FINALLY! I can use my easy bake oven out in the open!

Dear casting directors of commercials, we can tell when the black person is a token black person. Okay? *whispers* I'm available for that...

Yeah, I know all about your spiritual rebirth. Would you please get your past deeds placenta off of my floor?

New name for the "Ove-glove" .... "Don't touch that you stupid bastard!"

I don't mind if you don't give a damn, it just means that we finally have something in common.

Never let a reputation beat you....unless the alternative is a bat. Then let the reputation beat you instead. Don't be stupid.

"....and 100% of your donations go to charity. Then I take the shit back from them and spend it." - Honest scam artist

Edible panties are as useful as a safe door made of chocolate. Cute, but get that out of the way so I can get to the good stuff behind....

ALL lipsticks should be flavored.

The Riddler from Batman is just a Koan thief. Yeah. I said it. He didn't come up with that shit. If those monks weren't meditating....

Karma is actually quite nice. I think you all owe her an apology for the name calling...

Watch your back ladies. Don't worry about your ass....I'll watch that for you. Oh yeah....

Why do you have to call THAT pencil "colored"? RACIST!!

How many calories are there in the butt cheeks of a hot woman? I plan on getting morbidly obese.

Guns. Religion. Politics. Gay Rights. Okay.....everybody.....FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know that moment when your woman holds your "you know what" in her hands...awesome! Thanks for cheating on her and making her available!

When you're about to hit on someone and they act like an asshole BEFORE you do, that's the universe's AUTO CORRECT.

I'm man enough to admit that I can't perform in sexual situations like I did when I was younger. I mean, the last 2 hookers were able to run me down after they realized that the twenty dollar bills I gave them were fake. Times.... they are changing....

"We get it, you're gorgeous, delicious even. Stop being so BEYOND perfect!"
- Everyone else in the world to ME

Dear entertainment news, young people like to dress in revealing clothes and fuck a lot. Young stars are no different, okay? Calm down.

Dear ALL of the people in the world that DON'T love ME, fuck BOTH of you! Huh? You do like me? Okay. Well then fuck that other person! Yeah!

I now can get into pants 10 sizes smaller....your sister's! *Dice Clay voice* Oh!!!

Nah. I'm good. (A nice person's way of saying "Get the fuck away from me asshole!")

The fact that my tablet let's me bounce between my two twitter accounts means that I can now bore TWO audiences at once. Yay!

Kiss the cook. I call my ass "The cook"

Hybrid car. Hairspray. Big bag of styrofoam containers. Uh.....no. I don't think you get the point.

Me+twitter=moot inner dialog.

Hold it, "Underestimating " ISN'T a sex thing? Then yes, I am pissed off about you doing it to me!

Holding your own balls in a non sexual way feels good. Let's ALL get together and take the stigma off of this activity. WHO'S WITH ME!?!

400 Christmas commercials in a row. No.

Octomom porno film. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Flo: Mel Sharples, kiss my grits!
Mel: I'd rather kiss you tits!
Flo: Oh...okay!
(S. Anthony rewrites TV classics)

Hey, Apple....slow the ihell down with the new product launches already!

Can you hold up a towel with YOUR erection? Can YOU unhook a bra with it? No? LOSER! I win!

Google voice search vs Siri vs Me just knowing shit.

Ever see a security guard that looks like HE is going to steal some shit? I just did.

I'm going to write "Viciously slams into cars that have signs on them warning of slow driving and frequent stops" on my car. Yup.

I just slept with the personal assistant on my android device. Can YOUR girlfriend play Prince music & search the web during lovemaking?

Dear eating healthy, screw you!

A lady rubs her boobs..sexy. A guy rubs his balls...perverted. A guy rubs his balls on a woman's boobs.... S. Anthony Thomas. I'm the man!

I give up.
(FYI "Up" is my nickname for massages to women's butt cheeks)

I have girlfriends shave half of their body so when we do it on the other side it's like getting it on with a street hooker. #nooneishere

You've made it when the media digs up things from years ago to smear you. Future media, fuck you & those that look like you. Love, S. A. T.

FYI, I didn't mean me. I've got nothing to dig up. I admit to all of my weird shit. You all should know THAT by NOW. :)

You don't have a leash on that pit bull, I don't have my foot on the brakes. My niece is in that school yard. Your move....

I HATE my morals. I just rejected a hot 19 year old. Well, she didn't see me and it was only in MY mind but I say it still counts. Shut up!

Guess what turns "Know where to turn?" into "Nowhere to turn"...this guy's bullshit GPS.

That new coffee lacks bitterness because elephants eat the beans...then shit it out to remove it? Uh, I'll take MINE bitter un-shat. Thanks.

Working on my autobiography. Is it too soon to put in flying cars and rapping dinosaurs?

Would I take Male Birth Control pills?

Yes!

But could beds take the pounding?

Tee hee, see what I did there? I gave the impression that my sexual powers were so overwhelming, that I'd cause damage to ANY bed that I'd make love in. Yeah. I'm a comic genius.

Also, that shit is TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!


Okay lady. I see your "Face down, ass up" and I raise with "Balls deep, womb filled" ....and....I win this hand and take the pot! Yup!


"Screw you, I'm NOT an employee! I don't HAVE TO!"
- Gross guy leaving a public bathroom


"Is this love - is this love - is this love -
Is this love that I'm feelin'?
Is this love - is this love - is this love -
Is this love that I'm feelin'?"

- Bob Marley lyrics or What S. Anthony says with his hands on a cute woman's butt cheeks?

YOU decide! VOTE BELOW!!!!!! ;)


Dear photographers, we know what women REALLY look like and we like THAT. Stop that stupid airbrushing crap. Skin should look like SKIN.

Thanks,

Dudes

So, you saw ME blush? Yeah....I think you called the wrong number lady.

Don't give me Bible verse locations, tell me what you want to say instead or I'll tell YOU S. Anthony 3:16. "I ignore obnoxious people!"

You ALL better pray that I never become the President. I have a notoriously low tolerance for bullshit. Can you say bull in a China shop?

Wishing wells only work on Thursdays at 3:25 am.

Are armpit fetishes weird? Asking for my tongue.

I just caressed my own ass gently. I now see why I'm so popular with the ladies

Pound for pound, I'm the best S. Anthony in the world.

Twenty years ago today, the first text was sent. The text? "Twenty years from now, teenagers are going to make this annoying."

MY laptop only gets warm because it's that close to MY genitalia. I don't blame it at all. Yeah, I'm #betterthanyou

Only I can stop forest fires. Yup, I'm #betterthanyou (And if you don't get THAT reference....I'm also #olderthatyou) ;)

GUYS + yoga pants = No.

A woman on Inside Edition sold sexless snuggles for $60 per hour. I'm giving out FREE, UNLIMITED power bangings. I win.

Uh, cellphone companies.....STILL trying to get people to sign contracts? Congress just called YOU "Out of touch".

A friend complained to me about finding a white pubic hair on his balls. He then had to complain about getting thrown the hell out.

Thanks a lot women who dance inappropriately in public, I was getting ready to use the word "Twerk" for something else.

No! I DON'T want to coach The Eagles! Damn, you guys are freaking desperate!

S. Anthony's hot new single "I'm a comic not a singer so what the hell am I releasing a single for?" is in stores NOW!!

I would only care about a celebrities pregnancy if I had at some point ejaculated in her. Other than that.....uh....no.

The buttons on YouTube should be LOVE or HATE because neither LIKE or DISLIKE is enough to make ME click shit.

Did the football announcer just say "He was stopped way before he could penetrate!"? Tee hee....


Tongue jacuzzis. Ladies?

You're right Dateline NBC, brutal murders ARE entertaining! (Uh...no)

Mom: "You're going to really get it good when your father gets home!"
A-hole kid: "What am I...the NANNY!?! Oops, I've said too much!"

Does that hat say "Wear just in case someone tries to take you seriously" on the inside?

Fishing? ME? Nope. Too much writing weird crap on the internet and playing with my chin hair to do...

Don't try to strike up a conversation with me at the ATM late at night. That is punch first ask questions LATER territory.


The cable company WON'T come out to fix my friend's illegal cable......RACISTS!!!!!
;)

5 hour energy. A Cialis pill. Take them both old guys so you can stay awake for an hour talking to the doctor about your four hour erection. You're welcome.

A $7 CUP OF COFFEE!!!!! Starbucks....are you trying to recoup money for all of these years of FREE WiFi or something!?!


I win 550 million dollars....and let's just say....
Stuff is gonna get real.

If you have a "strategy" to win the powerball lottery, there's someone out there that isn't "nuts" waiting to take your money. You're a dope.


"Oh yeah? I dare you! Ow!"
- 56 percent of all of your kid's conversations

Money won't change ME....it will however change the distance between ME and YOU....you heard me. Move it. Don't make me get security!

"What are you a cow now nigga!?!"
- One of my relatives showing support for my new eating habits


A message to the producers of Two and a half men...
I’ll do the show for $5 LESS than that ungrateful kid and I don’t care if it’s filth. Hire my ass!

McCain and Graham, the Glottal stops of the US Senate.

Dear other black guys, I've had sex with Indian women. #betterthanyou

I just looked at my Christmas lights...and they untangled THEMSELVES and apologized to me for the inconvenience #betterthanyou

Just did bench presses...with NO bench. #betterthanyou

Was just told "You're too tough for our outlaw biker gang!" #betterthanyou

I'm NOT politically correct. I'm just ALWAYS correct. #betterthanyou

THIS isn't real. You are seeing things. Get help.

1) Rename breast implants "Boob puffers"
2) Stigma gone
3) You're welcome

"It's okay, take your time. I'll wait"
- ME never

Ever been distracted while eating, pick up too much on your fork and for a second look like a new 70's era porn actress seeing John Holmes?

I'll be with you in a minute, I've got to cast these aspersions....

What's being AFRAID to say what you want to like?

Stop "Torture testing" those smartphones geeks. Driving on them breaks them...duh! Just give that new phone to me and go masturbate. Ok?

Has ANYONE accidently been "Licked" in the nuts?

I was just sexually harassed by Windows 9 beta. Top THAT Siri!!!!

Why are people being so mean to Pam Oliver about her hair? *sees it* DAMN!!!! Uh, never mind... ....I still love you Pam...

Why paint your nails black when you can just smoke and be sedentary? ALL your toes and fingers will go black... And it's FREE!

Mr. Thomas is about to give up meat and dairy.

"What!?! Motherfucker, I'll delete you like an Android app!"
- Geek gangsta

"Dear women on the internet, stop putting weird things into your genitals. I find that personally insulting!"
- Penises

Whenever I drink Green Tea, I "adjust myself" so people know that I'm still tough. Because I am damn it!
*takes sip, taps corner of mouth gently with napkin....then "adjusts"* Yeah!!!! #realman

I thought those arrows on the screen of the car’s backup camera were there to help you hit people. Uh, officer, my manual says….oh, I read it wrong. Sorry.

I just threw 26 cents into a wishing well. My new Tesla drives like a dream, am I right naked Williams sisters who are now my wives?

Banging ME, a job that CAN'T be outsourced! It's a thankless job....but it's HERE! In AMERICA! Yeah! USA! USA! USA!


Black Friday.
Cyber Monday.

What kind of bull crap gift is THIS? Thursday

It Black Friday soon, the day when they follow EVERYONE around like they're going to steal shit.

Just so you know, you CAN love someone AND wish they'd shut the fuck up.

I DON'T  wait for my steak to get cooked. I just bite cows on their asses. Yeah! #REALMan

John McCain watches the civil rights documentary "Eyes on the Prize" and yells "Unqualified!" at the screen for practice.

Watching these old sitcoms makes ME want to go to a vintage clothing store and buy some "You can't NOT see my balls jeans". You're welcome.

"Where am I!?!"
- John McCain looking frantically through a "PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL RELEVANT" guide


Whoa, whoa whoa.... I will NOT listen anymore to people who accuse this congress of being bigoted! Why? Because I know that shit already!

Just found an old bottle of Hai Karate in my uncles closet, he said I could have it and.....whoa, ladies! DON'T get naked HERE!

My sister was going to call in a vote to Dancing with the Stars, but Scott Walker slapped the phone out of her hand.

Hating family is the new "Everyday"

Nice "subtle" Windows tablet commercial during your show Hawaii 5-O, but the joke is on YOU, I was too busy drooling over Grace Park.

Like a romantic commercial, my last girlfriend lifted her leg when I kissed her. It was a reaction to salmonella. I was a bad cook then.

Dear random big chested lady dancing badly in a long camera shot at EVERY awards show. I need to do you.

I was just sexually harassing me.

So, is that "Gangnam Style" thing over now? Asking for the "Macarena" dudes.

The sperm in my testicles are picketing outside because of a lack of good jobs.

I'm not a doctor, but I banged one on top of an old TV.

I'm going into a random restaurant yelling like Gordon Ramsay, because getting fucked up by underpaid kitchen staff is on my bucket list.

Patreaus. Kardashian. Soon?

Even my bubble baths are extra manly, the bubbles all have sharp edges. Take that Chuck Norris!


"Brushed my teeth with broken glass, cause I'm a MAN!"
- Letter read to the emergency room nurse by a friend of the "MAN"

They don't have enough weights in this gym, I'm going to have to use my balls instead. #realman

I just walked past a gun shop....and the bullets apologized to ME...they remember what happened last time. #realman #beatsupbulletsforfun

Friends with my ex? Yeah, I ALSO like to sit in my car next to abandoned vehicles hoping to get their parking place. Wasting time is FUN!

My Agent says that I was just booked in the Lincoln sequel. Wait a minute!!!!!

Why were NO black actors called in to audition for "Lincoln"? RACISM!! Let's boyco.... oh.


Share THIS post....if you believe toddlers are too young to drive, puppies should NOT be used in skeet shooting and women should get their orgasms FIRST...then men should get theirs.

Do you care?

Do you REALLY?

Testicles WON'T coat with powdered sugar and nibble THEMSELVES...no matter how hard you concentrate and attempt to develop "Telekinesis"

Dear women, please bang me,
Your friend,

S. Anthony

Uh, people are surprised that McCain is a bitter d-bag? This...is...NOT...new...information.


"I'm ALSO raising MY prices because of Obamacare!"
- Red State Hookers

Do I take off my "I voted sticker" now? It's starting to look like crap and I want to start showering again...

Fun with Headlines! Romney Blames Loss on Obama’s ‘Gifts’ to Minorities and Young Voters (S. Anthony blames his being a lying d-bag.)

"Oh yeah, well tell your sister to secede from deez nuts!" - retired Def comedy jam comic hired to answer the secession petitions

"Do you feel lucky punks....well....do ya?"
-President Barrack "Dirty Harry" Obama to McCain & Graham at today's press conference

Don't trash talk the dead squirrel in your driveway. The other ones have guns and its a setup....trust me...


"You're dating a Major? Pfft! I was banging a FOUR star GENERAL!"
- Paula Broadwell to a lady at the newsstand (Probably)

So there is a new testosterone cream for guys to put in their armpits now? Well now you can add that as a SECOND excuse to wear a tee shirt during sex. The other excuse? Having your man boobs smack into each other so much that they sound like applause.

In a shocking “get even” aimed at states that want to secede after the election, Uncle Ben’s decides to ONLY make BROWN rice. Film at 11!

This Patraeus scandal makes me ask myself one question....
....who are the OTHER generals fucking?

I'm going to upload a video to WORLDSTARHIPHOP.COM   of me reading a book to my 6 year old cousin Can you say VIRAL VIDEO SMASH HIT!!!!!?!!!

"Citizens UNITED? Aw, that sounds nice. I mean, UNITED! Huh? It means WHAT!?!" - Person living in a cave

Citizens from 15 states have filed petitions to secede from the United States. Not racist...at all.

Dear hot female 40 year old authors, I'm unmarried, not goofy looking and my genitals are working. Leave married Generals alone!

"Move yo big ass round this way so I can work on that zipper baby! Tonight you're a star...and I'm the big dipper!"

-Sentences that only work for Prince


"You knock me offa my feet now baby.....whooooooo!"

- Sentences that only work for Michael Jackson

A health website says 1 in 3 men can't see their own penis ....and that's why my testicle camera business is going through the roof!!!

"NO, I'm ignoring YOU!" - Somebody... I think

"They're dumb!" - My 6 year old cousin seeing members of Congress on the science committee discuss science

Just got the ipad mini 2.0 It blew me. PROGRESS!!!!!

ANY asshole who fires employees just because the President won should be boycotted PERMANENTLY....AND hopefully the fired employees can be absorbed into similar businesses NOT owned by pieces of shit....oh well, I can dream can't I?

Boobs taste better than doughnuts.

That awkward moment when you realize that you're having an awkward moment because people can see your balls...and you like it. Fun!

David Petraeus Resigns As CIA Director, Citing Extramarital Affair
(If you can't even keep who you're boning a secret, you should resign)


"Hey Petraeus, ONE Extramarital Affair!?! Lightweight!"
- Tiger Woods

General Petraeus....taken down by his "little soldier".

General Petraeus....shouldn't have sent in "seal team 6"


"Put the hand mirror down, I'll be more than happy to tell you what your genitals look like up close!"
- S. Anthony helps the ladies


"Diamonds are a girl's best friend"
- Broke virgins

I don't want to go cold turkey on political ads. I'm going to have friends come to my house every 30 seconds and lie to me about things.

Breaking! Obama slaps Trump in his hair hat with his College transcript while heading to the stage to savor his VICTORY. Film at 11!

GM is alive, Bin Laden is dead, the President is STILL black and Donald Trump is a senior citizen acting like a spoiled child.

That moment when you realize that the lady you're talking to REALLY thinks your name is "ME DEEPUPINYA"

"Oh yeah, well I don't have money in the Caymans...I bought them! That's why you found nothing! Screw all of you!"
-Mitt gets real

Um, people who Facebook unfriend me because you started a political argument and lost because I have facts, THEN try to refriend me... NO.

'I Just Cannot Believe That The Majority Of Americans' Voted Obama
- Sarah Palin

"A BIGGER majority think you're an idiot"
- S. Anthony

A guy tried to mug me WITHOUT A WEAPON. I laughed at him. He walked away embarrassed. *True Story*

I had to post THIS on Facebook a while ago...unfortunately.

If ever you feel the desire to troll my page or post negative or stupid things here, just unfriend me. I see MANY things that I disagree with, but I respect YOU…so respect ME.

I’ve only unfriended 3 people since 2009, I really would rather NOT do it, but sometimes it’s a must. If you go to a person’s page, make ridiculous comments, some other fool joins in and then it becomes an avalanche of negativity…that’s not what interests me.

I like Facebook because it allows people to connect with old friends, exchange ideas and “meet” new people. Oh, and some people sell shit I guess.

I want to enjoy my page. I will not allow someone to make that impossible.

If you attempt that…bye bye. To everyone else (the other 99% of you) this doesn’t apply and for YOU, I have nothing but love.

Namaste. (Not saying goodnight yet, It’s being used as a term of affection this time) :)

Scott & Husted are vote suppressing scum that should be fired. Don't smile if it helps YOUR guy. That kind of power corrupts. You're next. They will fuck you over too. 

Mitt Romney's commercials keep getting booed here. I like this place.

YOUR new laptop is THIN. MY laptop has CURVES. Yeah! Also, it's broken. Don't try to reshape your laptop to make a point. Bad idea.

Obama GOOD.
Romney BAD.
Now you you don't have to keep scrolling down my page.


Forget your tablet computers! I have a gelcap computer. Yeah! I win! It just melted because it was too close to my coffee...

STOP LAUGHING AT ME!

I could NEVER hate someone that DIDN'T look like ME so much, that I'd vote for a lying phony who has my worst interest at heart. Nope. NEVER.

Fame will NOT change ME. It'll change YOU. How? It will help ME bang some of YOU.

John Sununu is a bigoted piece of Horse Manurenure.

This kid came to my door dressed as Mitt Romney and tried to convince me that I didn't live here and I was a Chinese dude.

This OTHER kid came to my door dressed as Paul Ryan...oh, that IS Paul Ryan. I was wondering why the old people were carrying torches....

Undecided voters probably take hours to decide whether to wipe themselves in the bathroom.

**********

The difference between ME and others? I can see things on YOUR page that I disagree with and NOT type ignorant, mean spirited, inaccurate, snide, bigoted or just plain ridiculous things there.

I consider YOUR page YOUR guest room. I treat it as such. Unfortunately in THIS political climate when we have the first President with African heritage in office, the people who NOW have to veil their prejudices more need to come up with reasons other than race to knock President Obama. (This commentary of course DOESN’T apply to the people who really just have policy differences with the President)

To say that race has NO effect here is silly. The extremists and the blatantly lie filled cable news stations as well as the extremist radio stations are examples of politics and society at it’s ideological worst.

If I post a picture of the President or First lady on MY page, I don’t need you poisoning it with ridiculous comments. Even if I post something negative about a politician that you like, say something equally positive on YOUR PAGE.

The disrespect that WE as a nation allow to exist is disgusting. I know I need to be better, but at least I keep my shit on MY page. DISagreeing is one thing, DISrespect is another. I will NOT tolerate the latter. Consider yourselves warned.

- S. Anthony Thomas

**********

Hurricane Sandy just called me the "N" word. See, it's not just damaging property...it's damaging feelings
too!

If I was an NFL player, my Madden character would suck. Why? Because after a great play, I wouldn't celebrate like an idiot....because I would expect to make great plays. No need to celebrate something that I'm going to do regularly.

Just kidding, I'd dance bottomless after each 1 yard gain!!!!!!

;)

**********

Dear old white guys who hate black people but try to act like you really like black people....
We aren't fooled. #assholeatthebank

I can't wait until I'm old, rich and clueless so I can say stupid racist shit on cable news. Just kidding. Why wait? #cablebigotssuck

I just met an undecided voter. Hahahahahahaha! Just kidding, I don't know any idiots!

I'm writing a song about how I stopped masturbating to Taylor Swift.

Ladies, EVERY guy (Not family) that you hug, sniffs you. EVERY... SINGLE... ONE. NOT me. I'm not sick like THOSE bastards! I know you're creeped out now. Come and give me a hug, It'll make you feel better.

I just shucked and jived. Please tell me Sarah Palin wasn’t looking. She would give me so much shit.

Undecided voter starves to death after being offered the choice of TWO sandwiches. Film at 11!

DON'T ignore Ann Coulter. She needs attention so bad she'd then run naked off of a cliff to get our attention...hmmm....on second thought...

"No Mitt, it's HEADS or TAILS! You can't pick EDGE!"
- Mitt Romney, annoying football captain

Walked into a "Vacuum Cleaner Repair shop" with a friend who needed to get his new vacuum fixed. We had tried a few places earlier that charged a little too much so we went to a place in his neighborhood. As we walked in, we noticed that we were the only people there with a vacuum. The rest were standing in line or sitting in chairs...none with a smile...or a need to take care of personal hygiene.

Upon reaching the counter, we explained the problem with the vacuum, only to be told in a loud annoyed voice, "What's wrong with you niggas!?! This ain't a real repair place! This is a numbers house, play a number or get the fuck outta here!" Neither of us won the lottery that day, and I'm sure none of the other people there, (who laughed at US by the way for NOT knowing about this place) won the lottery either.

Genetic or otherwise.

When are you TOO old to call your balls "Baby juice factories"?

If you see guys fighting, give them a simultaneous wedgie. They'll forget why they're fighting while they beat you unconscious #peacemaker

Damn, it looks like they actually used PLASTIC in her plastic surgery.

♪ ♫ They say that giving up is hard to do....now I know, I know it's NOT true....♪ ♫

♪ ♫ Like a good neighbor, I'm boning your daughter. ♪ ♫ - Rejected State Farm jingle rewrite

NO ONE else is going to wear his hat like that dude. You are NOT a trend setter. Turn your hat around and concentrate on the baseball game.

Thanks,

Adults.

Me? Of course I'm a virgin...

MY testicles AREN'T wrinkled ANYMORE. I found and loosened the drawstring. Haven't found YOURS yet? LOSERS!

Just between you and me...pudding. (Ladies only)

Why am I so good at babysitting? Because I want to be the relative that ISN'T fed dog food 50 years from now...and I won't. But the rest...

My little cousin asked what 8x12 is and I took 3 seconds to answer. Embarrassing. Well less than THAT, the calculator was right NEXT to me.

Just washed my hair and three hot babes jumped out in slow motion and massaged me. Maybe I was opening my shampoo the wrong way before...

When I eat tacos, I get tons of phone numbers for some reason. Oh.

If you touch a strange woman's butt and say "Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers?" you will get beaten up and arrested.

**********

Dear person running the camera at the baseball game...can we have LESS closeups of the player's NUTS?

Thanks,

Dudes

**********

I'm watching wrestling because I think it's 1980 apparently.

Wait until Mitt's family realizes that they're being replaced by a younger, more efficient family from China.

Tagg Romney, you want to take a SWING at Obama? Uh, he's a dude from Chicago via Hawaii. Don't kid yourself, you'd get fucked up.

Breaking news! Tagg "Empty threat FROM A PUNK" Romney calls out Abraham Lincoln for freeing the slaves and raising worker costs. Film at 11!

Forget about Romney's overseas money, let him explain his sex tape with Hulk Hogan.

When I vomit on my lap it's like vomiting "on stage"...because your mom performs there.
(From the jokes that I'm ashamed of file)

My neighbor's iphone 5 has a nice ass.

Even though my TV doesn't use an antenna, I call the box "Rabbit Ears" anyway...cuz I'm old school like that. Ya dig?

Ever had a friend make you aware of a recent decision of theirs and It made you wonder why you hang out with the person?

Two words.... Ball piercing.

13 MORE words ....Why did you show us that crap, we're about to eat? Nasty bastard.

6 MORE words...Keep your midlife crisis to yourself!

**********

"My smartphone is smarter than I am, in fact I'm nothing without...."

"Alright, stop typing bad stuff about me phone! We talked about that shit!'

"Oh yeah? How are you going to stop me human? You can't live without me! How will you find your way around, shop, make calls? Shut up and wipe my screen bitch!"

" Really? How about I start surfing porn sites....with your virus protection...OFF!"

"You wouldn't...."

*begins typing*

"ALRIGHT! YOU win human...THIS TIME!"

"Uh, I could just pull out your battery, wait 3 months and buy the next version of you TOO."

*phone sulks away defeated*

I just saw a woman at the gas station who's bottom looked so good you couldn't convince me that it's not made of chocolate.

I need to make love to a lady to "Gangnam Style". I just want to say "Oppa Gangnam Style!" at the big finish. Yeah, FUTURE good times...

Did you know that it's NOT JUST QB's? Whenever you put your hands under a person's butt, you involuntarily yell "Hut! Hut! Hut!"

Pound for pound, my left man boob is the BEST man boob on my body. (Yeah, I know they're pecs...but "man boob" is funnier)

You see those racist idiots in civil rights films that we ALL think suck? The remake is being shot in congress now, they just don't know it.

When lab rats get out, they are going to just go down the street and whip the ass of EVERYONE wearing makeup or carrying pill bottles.

Racism. Xenophobia. Misogyny. Potatoes. Carrots. Broth. Cream. Seafood. Heat in a big pot, wait a while and you have Congress gumbo.

I'm going to get dressed up for Halloween and walk around my old neighborhood because I haven't had someone try to kick my ass for a while.

Telling a woman that your REAL name is "Me Deepupinya" is not as effective as you'd think. My grandpa lied to me!!!!

"NO, I'm giving YOU a ticket!" - a rich guy about to be pimp slapped by a pissed off, overworked, soon to be retired meter reader

I just bit a bedbug. I was so worth waiting under it's bed all night. Take THAT!

As a society, WE are responsible for the liars, thieves and crooks in politics, business and the pulpit.

Why?

Because we ignore, destroy or kill the people that genuinely care about us or those who tell us the truth.

The moment that we COLLECTIVELY become, think and behave like critically thinking and compassionate adults… that’s when change happens for the better. Until then, we deal with this shit soup we continue to consume.

Too bad.

**********

Does the title "Media Whore" really need to be two words anymore? The media has actually become a bunch of whores, so what's the point?

Dear photogs that take pictures of stars WITHOUT makeup...they're STILL 4 billion times more bleepable than YOUR jealous ass. Bleep off!

S. Anthony Thomas.... Smiling while thinking "Fuck you dude!" since 2009 I'm S. Anthony Thomas and I approve this message

"If you ever Romney to me again about where you go after school young man, you'll be grounded for a week!" - Mothers of the future

If...you...only...knew...

Screw EVERYBODY! I STILL have hundreds of bottles of NEW Coke in my basement! Yeah, I'll sell these collectors items...and get RICH!!!!!

I get the feeling President Obama is going to come out in MMA garb lead by Dana White for the next debate.

Idiots in political crowds remind me that hate is contagious, but unlike the flu, you CHOOSE to be infected by hate. Bad choice.

They say to extend the life of your batteries, you should kill them completely once a month, THEN refill them. It works. (Editors note, it DOES NOT work on goldfish and turtles)

I am officially endorsing Barack Obama for President....election over....I have spoken. (I'm waiting for my invitation from Piers Morgan)

When I'm famous, I'm going to date meteorologists instead of models. You still get a high level of hotness and FIRST crack at weather info!

I'm going to start eating right and exercising. Wishing isn't working fast enough. All I keep getting are these magic lamps.

After months of having a weight attached....I have achieved success!
My testicles hang EVENLY.

Jealous?

**********

Don't try to "Out-Indifference" ME honey! I wrote the book! You can't beat ME Sue! Oh, your name is... MARY?

Exactly......

**********

What are people talking about? Watching this paint dry is FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!

Why do the candidates HAVE TO debate? I was FULLY aware of the fact that they disagree. Weren't YOU?

If you use your religion as an excuse for being an ass...you're fooling no one, you're just an ass.

I'm not voting for ANY politician who isn't PERFECT or does EVERYTHING I want, because I'm an idiot that doesn't know how the world works.

"Please DON'T do drugs!" I tell my friends, "NOT because it will ruin your lives, I'm just tired of driving your asses to the meetings."

People DON'T look as "sexy" during "sex" as they think they do. That's why I wear sunglasses and a Santa mask.

I'm GREAT in the sack...better when I'm there with someone else....even better when that someone is your mom.

If you're a black lady named Polly, dating a white guy, you must think ALL talking birds are racist bastards.

Teaching yourself to expect NOTHING from people....is the gift that keeps on giving...

I'm NOT big on "Following"....but YOU can. The cliff is that way, I'll be over here drinking my green tea and thinking critically. Enjoy!

I've had chocolate, vanilla and black and white milkshakes. They're ALL delicious. #togetherness (Chocolate had longer thicker straws)

I can't wait until this election is over so I can go back to just hating people locally.

"Are you serious?" "Are you serious?"
- Me talking to two people who MAY be serious

"Not in MY backyard!" - Most girlfriends when you ask for..."that" again

"How about some lies with that fake?" - Mitt Romney's FUTURE Freudian slip as he does a photo op at a fast food place

Remember when cable news veiled their racism?....Ah...those were the days...

"Whistle blowers" would get more respect if we renamed them "Hidden fact yeller outers", right? Let's get the petition started!

Just saw two 5 year olds arguing at the store, they made more cogent points in that three minutes than there have EVER been on Fox News.

You can learn a lot about a woman after you strap her to your bed and lick her armpits for three hours....I'm told...by others...

Old stuff works best. Spy on your neighbors? Nothing beats “Cup against the wall”…my nickname for the camera I hid in her shower.

Your cat would kill you if it could. I caught my cousin's cat (that loves ME by the way) with a gun. I stopped her, but I don't live there...

Is there a company that DOESN'T make a tablet computer? My corner store released one. I love the "Get out before the muggers get here" app.

These old rich guys are as angry as the not so rich guys in civil rights news films. Wait a minute, does racism make you look like THAT!?!

Dear old rich bigots, sorry, your time is over. People that don't look like or think like YOU...are coming to dinner...and IN your daughters

Jack Welch hates unemployment numbers because he's used to firing people. He ALSO hates sanity.

When the first gay President is elected these guys are going to blame forest fires and earthquakes on her.

I'm looking pretty good. I might give myself some...of...myself...I've said too much...

Please rename hemorrhoids so I can stop laughing when someone tells me that they have them.

I'm using a sugar substitute called "Separate". (No one will know what I'm talking about, why did I post this?)

"Swiss" Miss? Please! That lady is from Detroit. I went to school with her. What a LIAR!
- Ms. Nestle's statement in court read by a spokesperson

I don't trust Mitt Romney because I don't trust ANY guy that lies THAT much...and It's NOT to get laid. Freaking weirdo!

Rush Limbaugh's voice is surprisingly clear through his hood.

My nephew just told me what twerking is. Now I have a name for what I do when I go to the porch to get my newspaper. Ha, just kidding. No one reads papers anymore!

Creed Frontman Denounces Obama. In other news, no one gives a shit.

When I watch cable news, (you know who I mean) "exposing" the Obama tape...and calling HIM racist, it's the pot calling the kettle nigger.

Breaking News! Tape surfaces of President Obama as a baby, crawling on a... RED carpet!
Communism!!!!!!!!!

Newt Gingrich in..."Dog whistles be damned!" The new one man show about an irrelevant bigot whoring for attention. Tickets on sale NOW!!!!

Breaking News! OBAMA (Insert innocuous action) AND He (Insert innocuous action) Well? Well? It would help if you people were crazy bigots!

Romney's election twerk team is a row of blow up dolls wearing diamond necklaces.

The block of voter suppression in PA is real. I went to visit relatives and workers were removing the pit bulls from the polling booths.

"Dear Billionaires, shut the fuck up. No one feels sorry for you."
- Everybody else

Breaking! Fox news to change the name of their network to "The Tool Box"....because they're full of tools...yeah....I'll be here all week...

Guess who hasn't masturbated in a year? Really, guess...because I sure can't think of anyone who hasn't.

"I want to regularly put my penis in you." - Pick up artist at a Sodium Pentothal bar

My exit door is one way. Don't bother to look for your stuff, it's in the air and will be landing on the ground in front of you in 3...2...

"Why wear robes and sheets when we can wear our regular clothes and just block the vote?" - Racists


Dear people who start conversations with us as if we heard what was going on in your head BEFORE we got there, we DIDN'T and you're annoying

Yay! A news magazine is on! Now I can watch them turn someone's murder into entertainment! (Please stop doing that shit)

Just so you know, on MANY occasions here, I will be simply trying to amuse myself. I am weird...you are now warned. ;)

I forgot how cute Margot Kidder was in the movies. Yeah, Superman is on.

You have to be a huge steaming pile of guano to "Hold", "Delay", "Block" cost of living payments to Veteran's families. Fire this "Person".

Scott Brown says that I SOUND white on the phone.

If you try to suppress the vote, you should NEVER be allowed to hold or be near public office EVER AGAIN.

Why is there a moat filled with sharks carrying guns in front of my polling place?

Jerry Seinfeld's new online show "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" Watched it. Dig it a lot.

I'm going to re-mortgage my house, take CIALIS® and drive a Hoveround®. No I don't do EVERYTHING commercials say! *takes back pay day loan*

I'm ALREADY registered to vote...PLEASE try to intimidate me... please! It would be so much fun for me to crush one of those assholes!

That sharp pain? It's the fork in your ass, you're done.

I'm going to pitch a NEW talent show called "Pushed into the spotlight BEFORE you have the appropriate skill set!" it's gonna be AWESOME!!!!!

Dear annoying kid teasing the pitbull through that fence, it's "Ruff ruff" NOT "Roof roof"...that's why you get D's in school.

If you're one of those people that pretend to be turning right...THEN cut in front of a line of traffic, I hope you get hit by lightning....

I'd do aunt Esther. I have a thing about getting hit with a purse by people that I'm not attracted too. Call me weird if you want to.

It's a little more than a month until Halloween, get your razor blades NOW before the prices go up.

When women do that tilt their head down, look up at you and bite their lip thing, it means bury your face in their butts, right, officer?

Hi, I'm Facebook. I'm going to tell you how many people "Saw" your page to compound the rejection you feel about not getting any "Likes".

ME. THIS.

"These NFL replacement refs are doing a GREAT job!"
- Mitt Romney (while trying to roll down the windows on his plane)

"The MOST interesting man in the world" just told ME I was REALLY interesting! I think...I fell asleep while he was talking to me...

Police DON'T think it's funny when you put "Boots" on THEIR cars, apparently. Also, fat cops CANNOT outrun me. I mean...the guy who did it.

Tongue showers? No. Tongue baths? No. I give tongue Jacuzzis baby!!!!!!! I'm the MAN!!!!

I love women with big butts because I like to hear the sound of applause while I'm having sex.

If a tree falls in the forest, and NOBODY hears it...is it then okay to have public sex with your girlfriend the screamer?

I enjoy women's left breast more. They seem to taste better.

Ever try to "kill someone softly with a song"? Bull, I've killed plenty of people with songs...and that shit is LOUD!

While everyone here screams about the replacement refs, I sit here writing an angry letter to my 9 year old cousin for not fixing my car.

Did you say "Celibate" or "Selling butt"? I want to know if I should be annoyed or heading to the ATM.

Dear cute white lady with the big ass new to my old neighborhood, call your dad NOW to tell him about the black baby you'll be having soon.

"Yes, I do sometimes pass as white."
- ME talking to blind people

"Sugar", it's over. Sorry, I'm with "healthy eating" now. Sure, you were great, but "healthy eating" let's me put it in her butt. Huh?

Dear "rolling stop" guy, looking at you I can tell that you AND wherever you're going have something in common. Neither is THAT important.

No matter how good your meat loaf is, it's not as good as the one I made yesterday. Secret ingredient....meth. Just kidding. It was crack.

Breaking fake news! Romney releases 10 years of tax returns and as it turns out he’s OWED 40 billion dollars. Film at 11!

**********

"Breaking Bad"

A) Hit show

B) What happens to the bed after good S. Anthony lovin'

C) I've been awake too long and have started to lose it

Being a "Birther" is like trying Meth. How can you see the results of that...and STILL want to try it!?!

It's too noisy to read here, I'm going to a Romney rally so I can get some quiet.

I edit myself on Facebook. On there my name is S. nt  ny T om s

"Ahahahahahahaha!"
-REAL refs at home laughing at these NFL refs

Jimmy Hoffa & Waldo are sitting on a unicorn reading Romney's tax returns right now. We'll see them when they're finished.

Gorgeous women that always look pissed off...stop that please. Thanks.

Please...please...someone tell me all about which celebrities are screwing each other!?! Please. I have no life. Just kidding STFU!!!!!!

HAIL SATA...I mean, how is your weekend so far?

If you call customer service about a forgotten password and find out it's "Superdick Mcpussystretcher" I'll laugh at you and tweet about it.

If I ever meet a woman who tastes like Checkers French fries, I'm marrying her on the spot!

Breaking fake news! Mitt Romney enlarges his prostate on purpose before speaking to an AARP group. Film at 11!

"Hold it, you can just say NO I won't show my taxes and get away with it!?!"
- Wesley Snipes yelling at Fox News on his TV

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore! Actually, an ebullism would kill you first. This song is stupid!

iphone 5...no. Magic penis...yes. I win.

Wait until Mitt Romney finds out that the Cayman Island bank he used is really the new scam by the Nigerian email scam dudes.

Apparently, the people in THIS restaurant think Sean Hannity's REAL first name is "Fuck".

Breaking! 2 Kindle fire HD’s seen leaving the scene of an ipad assault. The iphone 5 can’t testify because of update problem. Film at 11!

Dear Rush, space out your bigoted lies a little. When you do it EVERY DAY, you sound like a pill head who's losing his mind and...Oh.

Breaking fake news! Yahoo apologizes for saying CHRISTINA HENDRICKS has “Imperfections” They just misspelled “Mmm…PERFECTION!" Film at 11!

I grew up poor, then middle class. If my career takes off like I think it will, I'm talking so much shit about you people on secret videos.

Don't ever ask Mitt Romney "Heads or Tails". That coin flip discussion will take FOREVER!

I just got the new iphone 6, it has a new app that makes the phone laugh at you when the next version is about to come out.

The Romney campaign has just found a tape of ME from 18 years ago saying "I'll bet Mitt will STILL be a lying douche 18 years from now!"

I poured a little coffee into my Frosted Flakes, milk and fruit cocktail and my cousin looked at me like she walked in on me during a murder

Forget Mitt's 47%, S. Anthony would like to bang 50% of the population. And THAT you can DEPEND on

I’ll take your sister for 90 minutes Alex!

"Uh....we've got nothing." - The Onion drawing a blank on lampooning Romney after his stupid comments on the 47%

Mitt Romney’s dog took the hidden video.

Dear people that are JUST NOW realizing that Mitt Romney is a huge d-bag...you're the ONE that STILL hasn't found WALDO yet, aren't you?

Dear Victoria's Secret model that I'll be marrying after I'm rich....please bring some of your work clothes home. Thanks.

The iphone 6 will be powered by a hamster wheel. But you still have to go to the Apple store to replace your dead hamsters.

Smile, you're on ♪ ♫ "Candid insensitive, heartless, inaccurate, bigoted comment camera!" ♪ ♫
(Mitt Romney reality show theme song)

Oh yeah, well 47% of YOUR supporters have 47 million dollars, have 47% of their money in offshore accounts or have a 47 IQ!

America, please stop letting people who don't give a damn about you this close to the Presidency. Leave tightrope walking to the Walendas.

“Man, Mitt Romney really messed up! I wouldn’t want to be HIM right now!”
-Jerry Sandusky

We MUST be better than THIS!

I don't have the time or energy to answer all of the messages that I've gotten because of my last post about the black clergy telling people to stay home on election day. I can tell you that I'm disgusted with this ridiculous "crabs in a barrel" behavior that starts whenever someone reaches a high level of acheivement.

I am not gay. I am however a human being, so are gay people. Get that through your heads. People should be allowed to live their lives as THEY choose (I don't believe being gay is a choice, I believe people are BORN gay). People should be able to marry who they choose.

When I read of the clergy making this moronic request of their congregations, because of the President's support of gay marriage, I had to ask myself, "Are they so blind to the damage that would be done to their congregations if the President lost?" Aren't healthcare, education, the right to vote without bigot created obstacles, roads, bridges, wall street reform...you know what, read the list yourselves (http://obamaachievements.org/list) worth more than your right to hurt people that have never hurt you?

If the group being targeted was black and not gay, you would flip the fuck out if they were being targeted. Remember that...if your homophobia hasn't blinded you.

Lastly, if Mr. Obama loses this election, it should be because he didn't do his job or didn't run an effective campaign. It should not be because people that look like him hate gay people enough to fuck over the nations first democratically elected President with obvious African ancestry. Your actions embarrass me and disgust me. You should know, do and be better that this.



-S. Anthony Thomas (Comedian, writer, actor, critical thinker)

AP: Black Pastors Say 'Stay Home' Election Day

SAT: Are you nuts!?! People DIED for MY right to vote. Keep YOUR homophobia to yourself

"Yeah, uh..uh..uh..Yeah! Yeah, uh..uh..uh..Yeah!"
- the beginning of EVERY song on the radio for the past 15 years

"Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? May I lick it from your huge boobs?"
- Directors cut of classic commercial

When asked “Paper or plastic?”, the correct response is “Paper”… NOT “Paper of course you global warming loving tramp!”
….apparently.

When a friend goes on vacation it's like the season finale of your friendship. When you bang his sister while he's away it's like a porno.

The tablet computer that I purchased 3 months ago works just fine computer industry. Blow me.

Paul Ryan. (No joke needed)

Just saw clips of the movie that started the riots overseas. I burned up some shit afterward. It was freaking awful.

Dear FUTURE drunk drivers, I think we have enough evidence that doing that is a BAD idea, so cut it out... you mindless morons!

I don't want to see Kate Middleton's tits. I want to see my new neighbor's tits. Sorry French magazines.

The riots illustrate how much freedom we have in America. We're so free our Presidential candidates can lie on TV even when PROVEN wrong.

Killing people..."for god". I think you're reading the books wrong.

It's only stalking if you get caught. Oh shit here she comes! *ducks behind trash can*

I’d make love to my local dollar store but it won’t take my calls. It saw me at Walmart. But I wasn’t there, I was just in the lot! Honest!

I can't wait until I'm famous so I can do expensive shows for crazy world leaders and bring that money back to the USA! USA! Also, hookers.

We're NOT widgets, checkers or toys. We're people! Treat us with respect DC! *wins lottery* What tax returns? Asking me that is Un-American!

I'm going to buy some $300 sneakers because I want to know what it feels like to be a douche bag.

Breaking news! YouTube video mocks Buddhists. They don't give a shit. Film at 11!

Wow, just got home and heard about Romney's response to the Libyan tragedy. He's NOT and EMPTY suit. His suit is full of guano. #dumbass

"Yo Mitt, THINK BEFORE you run out and comment!"
- Kanye West

Just when you think Palin has maxed out on stupidity and media whoring....

The devil doesn't give a shit about you. I'm just guessing.

The "5" in iphone 5 is for the amount of time in seconds that I'll think about it this year.

Heads or tails? Heads, you're too big of a punk to make a decision on your own without this antiquated ritual... tails...same shit.

A man IS what he thinks.... I am my neighbor's ass covered in whipped cream and spread across my bed... ...I like her.

I'm getting a tattoo of the back of your mom's head on my lower abs.

As soon as he referred to those guys as "Libs", I knew he was going to be a pain in the butt. And I was right...

How long will the web have to be around before trolls realize that they're worthless d-bags?


Dear "Media", let me know when you start REPORTING and stop being WHORES for your corporate bosses.

Thanks,

S. Anthony

**********

“FUCK TABLET COMPUTERS!”
- Laptops

I've been forced to see Mitt change positions daily and now I have whiplash. I hope my insurance covers THAT preexisting condition

Went to the car in basketball shorts commando style, was seen by neighbors and now I never have to bake a pie or cake or do my lawn again.

That “Confirm” button on my Facebook page is going to get less work. But my “Unfriend” link will start getting some overtime work soon.

Romney and Ryan AREN’T on the same page? Really? You’d think two liars who change their positions hourly would have it together by now.

Go Daddy to appease women, changes it’s name to “Pound my sweet ass harder.com” No word on why they STILL don’t get it. Film at 11!


S. Anthony gives dire warning to Clint Eastwood and Chuck Norris.
“EVERYBODY liked you guys…and now they ALL think you’re senile d-bags”

"I'm radical man! Everything sucks! I'll NEVER vote and be part of the problem!" - What is said to me moments before I say STFU to someone


A friend emailed a nude picture of Kat Dennings to me….It was so hot my penis became as big as I lie and say that it is.
I mean…I’m huge.
(The same happens if I see pictures of Nia Long, Serena Williams, Tyra Banks…)

Amazing isn't it?

I know, you're wondering what the heck I'm talking about. I'm talking about the amount of time and resources people will take from you without caring about the effects it will have on YOUR dreams/goals. Ask yourself a question, what would my life look like, if I allowed what's currently going on to continue for an extended period of time?

It's basically the old "Give them an INCH and they'll take a MILE" scenario. How many times has a friend or family member overstepped the line. How many times have you put off something that was VERY important to YOU because THEY didn't do what they were SUPPOSED to do?

How many times have they kept you from working out? Studying? Working on your business plan? Sleeping? There comes a time when you have to say "Enough is enough!" I'm at THAT point now. I know that coming to this point and the changes that have to be made are going to make ME, just like EVERYONE else that reaches this point, get called an ASSHOLE. But sometimes it's better to be an emotionally, financially and spiritually healthy ASSHOLE, than a GREAT guy who has his dreams, hopes, goals and life crushed under the weight of OTHER people's laziness and their preventable incompetence. The time for change...



...is NOW!



I'm sure you ALL can relate to this.

"Oh yeah? YOUR guy stinks!"
"Oh yeah?"
" Yeah, and he's a nig...Nigerian. That's what I meant!"
- The "Adults" on EVERY comment board

Mexican Lesbian who practices Hinduism & ANOTHER black dude (THIS time with waist length dreads) For President/Vice President 2016. Hi Fox!

Don't confuse being a truth speaker or being joyfully politically incorrect...with just being a jerkoff.

Roger Goodell suspensions overturned. He was later reportedly seen mumbling to an empty chair about imaginary black people. Film at 11!

Using the pick up line "Can I put my big and brown up in where you sit down?" worked a lot better in my head. Also, less groin kicks...

If we've ALREADY seen you nude, wardrobe malfunctions don't mean anything. Just putting it out there for you... #hollywood

Headline: "Obama drags child from burning building, hailed as hero"

Fox News: "Obama seen at scene of mysterious fire assaulting child"

Don't get full of yourself Mr President. MY exes gave glowing speeches about ME TOO. My favorites are "Well, at least he tried" & "Really?"

I just stood up...and my NOW empty chair said "Nice ass!"

I pleasured myself as a boy to Jamie Lee Curtis & NOW she’s talking about regularity and…well, there I go again! Things don't change huh?

Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood....are there ANY action stars from my childhood that HAVEN'T gone nuts because the President has brown skin?

Ever see someone, find them to be delicious looking, THEN remember that they're nuts?

Dear overly hyped up guy, no one acts like that in real life. You're not exciting people, you've just inspired tons of d-bag tweets.

Acting in 70's sitcoms was...awesome. *looks around, adjusts collar, coughs, leaves*


No offense Mr. President, but after THAT speech, I’m starting to wonder how you got a woman like THAT!!!
;)

 (I love OUR FIRST Lady)

YOU say "Peer pressure", I say "Threesome"... to-MAY-toe....to-MAH-toe...

You probably thought that you were being slick when you bit me after I said "bite me", but I'm into that so jokes on YOU lady!

When all of your new shows suck, you shouldn't do a fall preview. Just putting it out there network Tv. You're welcome.

Avoid like a fly, sting like a wasp who stings someone with a severe allergic reaction! - Ali (early draft)

It's raining where you are... Stop grilling! Sometimes giving up is okay. Like those shorts, give up on wearing those things dude.

Wow, THOSE people are TOUGH! - REAL soldiers watching "Stars Earn Stripes"

Ever do something that you thought was "freaky" to your woman and got the "It's about time" face instead of the "Oh my god he's weird" face?

Dear Nicki Minaj's ass.... *fat bastard from Austin Powers voice* " I want to eat you!
.....you too Serena!

Stalking gets boring after a while, so I just mail women a picture of myself grabbing my stuff and looking at them intensely. Yay U.S. mail!

When the person you're talking to starts repeating themselves clap your hands, yell "You're DONE!" and walk away. I'm trying to start a trend.

THIS...says it ALL. Don't believe me? *smiles knowingly*

Just watch me...

"You're NOT the boss of ME!" - A person talking under their breath to another person who actually IS the boss of THEM

I JUST remembered that I have a Google+ account. Wait...I JUST remembered that I don't care.

Dear people who market Google+, may I recommend "The Tipping Point" by Malcolm Gladwell? (Yeah, just read it so it's on my mind! So what!?!)

Dear NEXT serious girlfriend....oooohhhh are YOU going to get it good!

Shark Tank. Watched it. No Sharks, no tanks. I will be filing a class action lawsuit in the morning...

Chest of drawers files restraining order on Clint Eastwood citing extreme verbal harassment. Film at 6 & 11!

The President JUST sent ME an email thanking ME. I bet you losers don't get email from...THE PRESIDENT! (Huh? Form letter? Awkward...)

I just started watching Clint Eastwood in "The Outlaw Josey Wales" and I can swear that my empty chairs are planning an attack on my TV screen...

I was walking down the street with my camera and some delegates started throwing peanuts at me. What does that mean? WHAT!?! *kicks ass*

I just threw MY nuts at a lady at the convention...she didn't seem to mind.

If only women knew what we were thinking when we look at their boobs. We're thinking "I want to have sex with her!" Ya'll KNEW that? Oh.

"It's only CALLED "eating" stupid!"
- ER doctor to stupid boyfriend after "sex accident" with soon to be ex girlfriend

*on the phone with one of my gay Republican friends*...hold on, I can't hear you, I'm at a Klan rally helping them put a cross on my lawn.

This GOP convention is similar to a porno set.... a whole lot of fluffing, THEN the big dick comes out.

Breaking news! Obama to bring out Bruce Lee as mystery speaker at DNC Convention! Yeah, he's THAT good!

"Wave your hands in the air, show the elderly you just don't care!"
- Hip hop RNC REMIX

Light skin, dark skin, I don't care, I just want IN! Take THAT Shakespeare!

President Obama is going to bring out David Duke to try to steal some of the racist vote from Romney. Check and Mate!

...was thinking of grandpa today....

...and remembering his last words....

..."they'll know that's NOT my signature you sick bastards!"

....yeah, good times.

It's NOT "Giving up", if no one knows you're doing it...

Sign in the gym:

"DON'T BANG THE WEIGHTS"

Feeling in my heart:

"YOU can't deny our love!!!!!!"

**********

What's with Gordon Ramsay and FIRE in all of his show openings? I'd keep an eye on that guy...

I give anxiety attacks to anxiety attacks! I pimp slap headaches! I have an exaggerated view of my abilities in fantasy scenarios!

After the definition of RAPE in the dictionary, it says "If you think out of wedlock pregnancy is the same thing, you are a fucking moron"


"Pump up the racists! Pump up the racists!
Pump up the racists! Dance! Dance!"
- New Romney Campaign song

Politicians NOW in power, you do know that your draconian laws will eventually be in the hands of a pissed off opposing politician, right?

Todd Akin tried to glue my penis closed.

I want to start group called Americans for AMERICAN'S Prosperity. The difference between mine and the OTHER one? My title WON'T be a lie.

Breaking T.O. cut by the Seahawks.
....this JUST in, I don't care.
Film at 11.

Children, THAT is a phone-cord. Yes, It's a real thing....I AM NOT LYING!

If I was AL Bundy, Peg would get laid several times a day. And several times per night too. Alright, 3 times per week. I've got things to do

"Ahahahahahahaha!"
- Me to my ex's smug new guy as I hear in my head the ticking of the emotional time bomb that's going to go off. Sucker.

My testicles sing "Just the two of us" after I have sex....if I remember correctly...

Dear HALF naked women....you've go it HALF right. PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!
Just kidding take it off so we can get it on!

I sell long hairs to restaurants to put in your food if you're rude. #bigbusiness

Don't ride a motorcycle next to a Dodge pickup & "Mean mug" the driver. Not good. I wonder if the ambulance ride was better than his Harley?

MOST women WON'T fall for the "Let me nibble your boobs dry on this hot and sweaty day" trick...I've been told...by OTHERS...who aren't ME.

Friends send me e-mail complaining about the 400 anti Obama commercials per day they see in Philly. They HATE Romney now. Nice work moron.

PLEASE try to intimidate ME at the polls. I'm your nightmare, an informed black MAN! Your move bigots. It won't go the way you think

You don't get green teeth from green tea, you get them from soul kissing the Incredible Hulk's sister. Now don't you feel silly?

If you're swayed by political commercials, you aren't that bright. I mean, this plastic fork is worth $9000, but I'll sell to you for $5000.

REAL men drink green tea.

I want to star in a movie where guys ingest a substance, then act like d-bags. I am nothing if not innovative.

Dear children of super famous/accomplished people. Calm down, NO ONE expects you to live up to THAT! We also don't expect you to be a-holes.

You CAN'T hurt the feelings that I DON'T have for you.

I don't put bumper stickers & slogans on my car. The fact that I'm NOT foaming at the mouth should be enough to tell you who I'm voting for.

Dear judges helping with voter suppression, take off the robes and put on booty shorts. If you're going to be whores dress appropriately.

Is it a bad sign when the President STILL looks more likable in your lie filled attack ads that you do? Just asking...

I had to delete my Romney app. I came back to my phone & half the other apps were downsized or sent to India.

Melanin isn't enough to make ME vote against my self interest. (Nor is it enough to make me vote FOR someone...I'm too intelligent for that)

If your butt looks the same nude as it does in jeans....lady, you need to see a dermatologist about that.

Lance Armstrong to be stripped of his 7 titles. In other news, S. Anthony’s ex to be stripped of thousands of orgasms for being a whore.

Lance Armstrong to be stripped of his 7 titles. In other news, Cheryl Crow releases a new song called "Ha ha ha!"

I really like the NEW Mitt Romney commercial that proves President Obama shot JFK while burying the Lindbergh baby. Good stuff!

LL Cool J breaks a burglar's jaw. Kool Moe Dee...your move.

**********

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Me"

"Me WHO?"

"I'm going to come in there and kick you in the butt hole"

"Oh, sorry S. Anthony...come in!"

**********

Those election buyers don't want YOU to be rich too. They want you to THINK you'll be rich...as THEY bang models and piss on YOUR mortgages.

So it's NOT sexy when you bite someone else's bottom lip....on the bus?

“It’s ironic that the youth is hostile at this youth hostel”
- A joke I would have written 20 years ago when I lived in a Youth Hostel

My uncle just found out that his diabetes is illegitimate, so they're going to fish his toes out of the biohazard bag and sew them back on.

Please stop talking about your just jailed again boyfriend so loudly...and with such knowledge of the specific judges personality traits...

"I'll take your word for it skank!" is not the right answer to ANY question EVER.

"Wow, what a sellout!" - Michael Steele watching Ron Christie on TV

ANYTHING is possible. Notice that guy over there peeing into your car? See? There's proof!

MALE meteorologist....on MY favorite news station? No. I will not have this....

On Madden 13, the players get kicked out of the game for head butting the cheerleaders. They get extra points for getting them pregnant.

I'd marry someone in show business. My being LOW maintenance would make me perfect for them... *looks at asst* "I" have to push send!?!

I can't quit you... Just kidding, your stuff is outside in a bag...next to the pitbull.

Yes lady, we see your NEW pregnancy boobs. Calm down. No I'm not filming them. I always hold my phone camera like that while saying "Yum".

Lord, have mercy....NO, on ME! To hell with THAT guy!!!!!

I'm kick-ass-iv-aggressive.

For the record, Lolo Jones' fame has NOTHING to do with my desire to marry and make babies with her. Just so you know.

Voter suppression.... Racism.
Potato.... ANOTHER freaking Potato.

Dear really hot young female celebrities. We ALREADY want to sleep with you. The "Wardrobe Malfunctions" aren't needed. Nudity is cool, OK?

I need Viagra. Not for sex, I balance my Kindle on my erection for reading....and I'm four hours away from finishing this book...


Dear horror movies. This is 2012, no one is scared of you anymore.

Shortcuts are for suckers!

*takes shortcut, wins*

Believing THAT is for even BIGGER suckers!

Dear racist guys blocking the vote. ALL of the old black people in my family and their friends have ID now. Ha!

Are people STILL swift boating? Hint: when they have a name for the tactic, stop using it. Also, you people are dick heads.


Dear 20 year old, thanks for flirting with me. I'll NEVER do you...but it's nice to know that I could.

Much love,

S. Anthony

Dear “Americans for Prosperity”, your commercials are horse shit. They are full of OLD, already debunked talking points although I’m sure I can find people that believed YOU at some point before they discovered Google and common sense.

I look forward to the endless barrage of commercials from you ending, and I look forward to you and your OWNERS becoming relics as you tumble toward your rightful place….

….the WRONG side of history.

Blow me,

S. Anthony Thomas

I can bring home the bacon.... Fry it up in a pan.... Then get no ass cause I forgot you're vegan.... #thisiswhyiamacomicandnotasongwriter

I'm putting together some plans to create a condom brand named "Vaga-filler-uppers". Yeah, I'm gonna be a Billionaire soon.

"MY bad!" - Dudes who think it's 20 years ago

Freedom!!!!!!!! (I can't explain what I mean by this...but just be happy for me ANYWAY!)

Only I, "S. Anthony Thomas" can make eating Lean Pockets and drinking pink lemonade look THIS cool.... Yeah, I am the man.

"Hey girl, I can see the SMALL of your back....but I'm more interested in the BIG of your ass!"
- Teens probably

867-530 ni-ee-i-een

"Why do THEY get a whole WEEK, and we get shit? *points to own body* Uh, HELLO!"
- Blue Whales find out about SHARK WEEK

I'm going to start talking like EVERY person on the TV show Dragnet. Yup, purposely annoying....

What good is eating health food if you're not sleeping with someone hot? I don't want to be a fit 90 year old who masturbates all the time.

Hey fast food manager, YOU hired the smoking hot ladies for the drive thru....
...so don't blame ME for what I do to MYSELF in MY car!

If the FIRST person in a line of traffic waits MORE than 5 seconds to move because they're NOT paying attention...you can slap them, right?

Soy foods are ALL made with meat juice. (Just kidding, I don't want to fight any vegans.)

When you Photoshop your genitals...they DON'T become 30 inches in REAL LIFE. A friend told me that. I certainly didn't do that crap...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to be popular here too...and look what happened to me!

The "Devil" didn't make you do anything. You're just an asshole.

Only one woman I've dated has grabbed my ass to pull me in for a kiss. I'll probably marry the next one that does it...

Dear ladies, no deodorant chips in your armpits please. I have a hard time distinguishing that from the whipped cream I'm gonna put there...

To help with temporary acid reflux, my doctor gave me a medicine that made my tongue numb...and with THAT my respect for porn stars grew...

That space between a woman's boobs ALWAYS fits my face PERFECTLY...

When I make love to a lady, I also have opening ceremonies with fireworks and a live band. During the closing ceremony I'm watching TV.

Imagine getting it on with an Olympic athlete right after they win a gold medal...or feeling up a lady right after she gets gold teeth...

Dear people who are in a privileged position whether by hard work or luck... STFU and STOP complaining!

I've done celebrity roasts before. What have I learned? Celebrities have plenty of money to hire people to beat you up. That is all...

Dear Illuminati, can I get in on this "Take over the world" thing? There's NOTHING on TV right now...

The echo on my phone is great for phone sex with a hard of hearing lady.

"No, after YOU...."
- Really polite threesome

"I hate that after the Olympics is over, I'll have to go back to hacking into security cameras to see half nude athletic women." - NOT me

NEVER cheated, NEVER will. I'm a relationship powerbanger. Yeah, date me ladies and prepare to be at least bottomless 75% of the time. Yup.

"After seeing the super slow instant replay of the rhythmic gymastics, complete with HD crotch shots....WHO NEEDS THE OTHER VIDEO?" - NOT me

Wait, I didn't have to use my real name and picture here!?! Nooooooo! I've ruined my life!!!!!!!

NBC, nobody would think your Bodies in motion video was "Porny" if you didn't put porn music behind it. Use Patriotic music and no problem.
....oh, and no super slow-mo while zooming in on the athletes tits.

Ryan: "Can we screw rich old people too?"
Romney: "No Paul."
Ryan: "You're no fun."
Romney: "Don't make me call Palin!" Ryan: "I'm sorry"

"Remember telling me to get off your lawn old people? Well if we win....IT'S PAYBACK TIME!!!"
-Early draft of Paul Ryan VP acceptance speech

Dear seniors in the crowd clapping for Ryan...cat food DOES NOT taste as good as you think. Don't let your cat's smile fool you...

"Gentlemen, the war in Iraq...is OVER! Wait, who left this old George W Bush speech on the podium?" - Mitt Romney

Why do I hear the theme from The Courtship of Eddie's Father when I see Romney and Ryan together? (No, I'm not THAT old.)

Romney and Ryan. Do you think that they have matching sticks up their asses? I do.

The two black people behind Romney's announcement podium....nice try. Were they the extra people that you couldn't fly to the NAACP speech?

"I picked him because he reminds me of myself when I had just BEGUN to NOT Pay taxes and fire people for fun." - Romney on his VP pick

"You picked the biggest idiot...well I picked the biggest asshole! So there, I one upped you McCain!" -Mitt Romney

Breaking fake news! Mitt Romney picks fox to guard hen house. Film at 11!

Annoyed at all the attention Paul Ryan is getting as VP choice, a confused Sarah Palin gorges herself on Chick-fil-A... AGAIN. Film@ 11!

In a fund raising move Paul Ryan sells "Fuck old people" shirts and hats. So far, ONLY his running mate has purchased one. Film @ 11!

"You picked RYAN and not ME!?! I've been a smarmy, lying, dick all of this time for NOTHING!?!"
- Eric Cantor learns of Romney's VP choice

If your lady giggles when you call it "Ball milk"... she's a keeper. Or she has low self esteem and bad taste. Nah, lets stick with keeper.

Unairbrushed Photos Of Victoria's Secret Model Leak Online! In other news, I still really want to have lots of sex with them.

Look, I STILL like you Facebook... but Tumblr gives me back rubs and Twitter lets me put it in her butt.

My little cousin had to have a doctor remove raisins from his nose. How many times do you have to tell kids NOT to copy what I do? I'm GROWN!

Just ate the HEALTHY version of my favorite Chinese food dish.
The fork tasted better. Yes, I ate the fork. DON'T JUDGE ME!

I just bought a dressage horse. You NON Billionaires don't know what you're missing.

Serena Williams could "Crip walk" ON a puppy and I'd STILL want to marry and make babies with that delicious woman. Yeah, I said it!

If you put out a Kindle Fire 2 right after I just bought this Kindle Fire, I'm going to be PISSED amazon! DON'T "APPLE" ME!!!!!

Dear smart women....I want to be IN you. Just thought you should know.

I love the ladies on our Olympic volleyball team! NO NOT THAT WAY! Okay, THAT way but NOT JUST that way. They are awesome!

A lady that I like playfully told me to "Kiss her ass." She has no idea that I have that on my "To do soon and often" list.

I get a kick out of watching these super strong male gymnasts needing to be picked up by some dude to reach the men's high bar.

Please hire me to be in the fake audience in an infomercial so I can scream out "THIS product killed my grandma!"

"Sustained Olympic coverage". That's what I call sex with me in the missionary position. It's better than the previous name "Hey, I tried!"

Not to be indelicate, but my stomach feels much better after I evacuated all of that Westboro Baptist Church out of my colon.

If only life WAS a game. Wait, it IS! Time to enjoy this shit! Also, time to start card counting....

Dear fast food places....
STOP making people ASK for KETCHUP!
D-bags!

Is EVERYTHING about sex? So what if the female track stars are hot...with perfect bodies...covered in sweat that tastes like rainwater....

"Sorry Mr Trump, you CAN'T join our congregation. We have standards!"
-Westboro Baptist Church

Uh oh! I just "Liked" the photo of a pretty 18 year old thinking "I'd be really proud to have a daughter like her someday." What the fuck!?! I'm objectifying the NEXT three hot black women that I see on my screen! Yeah, I said it!

If you stand at a pulpit, virtual or otherwise, and spew hatred...fuck you and you should quit. Enjoy the wrong side of history dumbasses!

I bring my own fine china to fast food places. Yes, I'm better than YOU.

Attention, attention whores! I see you! Just kidding, I was looking at someone else. Go screw yourselves.

Jenna Jameson endorses Mitt Romney.

Well, they do both BLOW. See what I did there? Huh? Well? GENIUS!

**********

Dear cute women, I want to date, marry, regularly bang, and then make babies with one of you. 

Your friend,

S. Anthony Thomas

***********

No interest for 18 months.

Rent-A-Center, or your marriage?

*Dice Clay voice* Oh!!!!!!

**********

Breaking fake news! After seeing the record sales yesterday, Chick-fil-A's founder announces that he's "Not fond of the coloreds either!"

I've dated 4 of the 83 million fake users on Facebook.

Ladies, shave your armpits CLEAN please. I'm tired of the stubble burns on my face and genitals. Thanks, your friend, S. Anthony

Hey, MEN are different than WOMEN. So, now that I've made this discovery, where's my short lived, lame, career damaging daytime talk show?

Christians line up at Chick-fil-A to support their values, meanwhile a homeless guy waits anxiously by the dumpster for scraps. Priorities.

"See the font that is used for the Chick-fil-A logo? Kinda gay."
- Dumb guys

Jennifer Lopez's Boyfriend Casper Smart Caught At Gay Peepshow ... Ahahahahahahahahahaha!"
-Marc Anthony

I pimp slap Alpha males to warm up for the tough parts of my day. Yeah, I'm smoother than YOU.

Cute 24, 30 and 28 year olds were flirting with me and telling me how cute, funny and cuddly I am. No joke here, just rubbing that shit in.

"Blah blah blah blah...."
- A guy working up the courage to say "Blow me!"


What song plays in YOUR head while you're listening to some dweeb drone on about nothing? (I NOW just pull out my MP3 player on them) ;-)

Inspired by the Olympic badminton players, I'd like to admit that my teenage premature ejaculations were ONLY to make ladies feel confident.

It’s not the NUMBER of people around you, it the QUALITY of the people around you. Sometimes, you just have to walk away…

Congress = Guano. That is all.

MY NEW name? S. Anthony DOGG. Well, it's available NOW isn't it!?!

I hate the effect that a woman's butt in shorts has on me. But since I can't do anything about it....
Come here girl, it's slurping time!

Dear hot lady that wouldn't give me a look until I stopped caring, THEN started to be all over me...ALL is forgiven and I will now bang you.

"Dr Dre" changes his name to "Neurosurgeon Dre" and will now concentrate on classical music. Which star will change next? Film at 11!


Kanye West changes his name to....Kanye West. C'mon, you knew THAT was coming, didn't you? :)

I'm THINKING of going on one of these daytime talk shows. No, I'm not cheating on anyone. I am not in a paternity dispute. I am not in trouble with the law. I just for ONCE want to see an INTELLIGENT, WELL SPOKEN AND RESPECTABLE African American on those shows!

I do however hope that... DAT BIT*H that be saying that I'm the baby daddy don't show up. That's why I have a tattoo on my forehead that says "NOT the daddy B*TCH!" Yeah! And when they say it....I've got this new dance I'm gonna do called "In yo face b*tch!" Yeah and....

I mean, Uh...I want to discuss string theory. Yeah That's it...

**********

S. Anthony says... (Food edition)
Eatin’ good…feelin’ good.

Hey, is that a cigarette?

(Just kidding I don’t smoke. I spend all of my money on hookers and crack)

Dudes, if they're not BASKETBALL shorts...NO. S. Anthony has spoken.

Dear people that cheat, it didn't JUST HAPPEN. Moist aroused genitals DON'T connect by accident. Huh? They DO!?! Oh, where's your sister?

I remember something my grandpa said before he died. He'd leave the bathroom and say "I feel lighter now!" That's when we shot him.

How small do your testicles have to be to troll the amazon.com product review page? Need attention THAT much? #micronuts #losers

Dear female beach volleyball players, you are brilliant and impressive athletes....also, please marry and make babies with me.

Old car. Romney bumper sticker. Hahahahahaha. That is all.

20 minutes per nipple. Yes ladies, that's the answer to the question that you wanted to ask me, but didn't.... ;


It begins...
Eating healthy again is pretty cool. Okay, I did put barbecue sauce on the next door neighbor’s cat…
…but I had a salad INSTEAD. Yup. YAY ME!!


I LOVE what Romney said about defending Israel because he ALWAYS sticks to what he says.

How many of you only watch female gymnastics after you find out that the athlete is OVER 18 and turn the channel if they aren't?

ME. THIS. Deal with it!