If saying stupid crap was illegal, the 112th congress would have to put on berets, paint their faces white and try to escape invisible boxes.

Are you guys ready for another semi dirty joke based on something that really happened today?

Ok...The hot lady at the donut shop asked if I wanted a girlfriend. Like her donuts, soon she'll be covered in chocolate and filled with cream!

At a certain size, get rid of the leash and pick the dog up...either way we'll still think that you're a punk for having a dog that small.

Gotta go, I'm taking a relative home from the hospital. My relative? No. YOUR business...also NO. DON'T JUDGE ME DAMMIT!

I love when women say “Kiss my ass”….because I sooooo will. But I will no stop at that…

Yes, I’m very popular with the ladies… Trust me.

Don't let your teeth whitening tray fall into your uncovered lap. The aftermath is...hard to explain...

Hey famous people, you know that thing where you dump the spouse that liked you for you and marry some new Hollywood type. Works well huh?

Doing ONE good thing for someone DOESN'T make up for being a soul sucking turd bucket. Just saying...

My new show will have two versions, the stand up version and the theater version. The theater version will include me wearing a Spiderman outfit and landing violently on unlucky audience members.

Scott Walker...Tim Pawlenty. Separated at birth in a hospital that only delivers dweebs and sellouts.

Just saw a guy walking a dog heavier than him. Really dude? Just buy a sports car....We know what the dog is compensating for, OK?

I want to date another ballet dancer....but, i'm NOT touching her feet. They have some jacked up feet. Don't look down...

You can have ANYTHING you want if you believe...that people don't just walk around wearing Kevlar.

Tim Pawlenty...you are a wimp. Stop trying to be tough, you are fooling no one, now give me your lunch money.

No, I don't hold grudges....and that was NOT me under your car this morning. Please don't start it up until I'm behind the barrier...thanks.

The PRESIDENT had to go on at 7:30 to accommodate "Dancing with the Stars"? I...am...moving...to...Canada...now. Eh? How as that?

All yelling in a relationship that doesn't include genital friction...is bad. In truth, anything that doesn't include it pretty much blows.

The soft skin of a woman's inner thighs...yes, just...yes.

Why do people still park in my spot when they know that I have a sledgehammer?

Armpit stubble. No.

Nothing says "Honey, YOU'RE a special lady" like 90 minutes of enthusiastic licking.

Trust me.

What a crowd! Thanks for coming. What to hear a classic from my first album? *Crowd yells yeah!* Here it is *band starts playing*.....

Ex used to say she loved it when I'd come home and "gave her a good hard pounding". Why can't we say that to them? I mean, I can...but YOU?...

I often wonder why people who DON'T like a post or tweet etc, feel the need to comment on it when they have NOTHING to add.

The fairness doctrine #cablenewshorrorfilms

Apparently I mistakenly summoned the "Make S. feel like sh*t patrol". Leave it to the ones that "Love" you to screw up your day huh?

Mr. Thomas will now begin using the "Pareto principle"...

To those wearing XENOPHOBIC blinders I say, "They only effect YOUR vision. We who have compassion & common sense maintain a panoramic view"

In the time it takes to type "I don't know what that is" on the internet, in a Google world....you could "Know what that is"...

Oh dear lord! I'm bored with porn!!! Nooooooooooooooooo!

Fox news host slams white house and in other news men like to see women nude and water is wet.

My relatives just show up with laundry & ask to use my washer/dryer. Slick huh? Don't worry, I steal enough from their wallets to cover it.

Sign in bathroom: "Employees MUST wash hands"

Sign in Kitchen: "Employees Must rub hands on a homeless guys balls BEFORE cooking"

Doubters, BEWARE! It's ALMOST that time.....

People with kids, I blame YOU for these stupid cartoons clogging up my TV this morning!!! (This message will self destruct when I breed)

Teen me got caught having car sex in a church parking lot, embarrassing. Editors note: DON'T yell "He rev, I'm gettin' some booty, jealous?"

I'm going to WI, then smoking weed & driving over the speed limit while banging a hooker and texting. Remember GOP, the law means NOTHING.

C'mon reality show people, take over MOVIES too! Yeah, get ALL the jobs! (If I can't get in a movie...NO ONE works! Muahahahaha!)

I'm writing a movie called "The crack head". It's going to make "The Hangover" look like a friggin kids film! Yeah!

I used to work at a place that did political surveys, if YOU base your decision on what they say....hahahahahaha! You're an idiot.

Is there any way to make it illegal to use the words "Dance floor" or " Low" in auto-tuned songs...BEFORE I punch people in the neck?

I wonder if Tom Corbett (Gov of PA) roots against the Philadelphia Union soccer team...out of Union busting habit...

A friend looked at me like I had two heads because I was reading "The Teachings of The Buddha"... or maybe it was the whole nude on the subway thing. Either way...RUDE!

Little boobs...long nipples. Sometimes things that don't seem like they should go together end up being AWESOME. Cold rooms are the best!

I'm not going to Macy's anymore...their credit card is fu*king HUGE!!!!

One of my neighbors always asks to fix my car whenever he thinks that I'm going for a repair. I want to say "You can't even fix your pants!"

I'm going to look for my next girlfriend in a yoga class. There's something about a sweaty, out of breath, flexible woman that is....RIGHT.

If you're a person of your word NEVER promise yourself that you'll workout BEFORE going to bed no matter what. Trust me.

...but wait! There's MORE! Order NOW, and we'll send you a second one thus getting this crap out of our warehouse twice as fast!

I call "The Buddha" ..."The". Yeah, I'm the man.

"Hide in plain sight" soooo DOESN'T work. Alright, I've got to wash these eggs off of me....damned kids!

Some of these movies coming out now should change their names to "This movie blows" That's what people are going to say anyway.

How about a "Truth in News" law? Anybody?

So we're all in agreement that these NEW people in office are a bunch of (pejorative name), right?

Special message to gorgeous women who date a-holes while I'M available....WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?! This nice guy FINISHES at will.

What is the percentage chance that the homophobic funeral protesting church of morons gets MORE TV time that the union protests? Sadly %100.

We can fly, predict the weather, leave the planet... and we STILL can't figure out a way to solve conflicts without blowing each other up...

In an HD television world, someone please tell news anchors to use a hair dye that actually COULD spring forth from a human head. Thanks.

They make education hard to get, screw up healthcare & jobs...then charge you at every turn. Damn, does EVERYTHING have to be about money?

Is it mandatory that unfunny ex cast members of SNL become homophobic, racist, uniformed morons? Just asking...

I took my mom and aunt to walmart today...so YES those are rope burns around my neck.

Solar powered animal repeller? Nah, I have bricks in MY backyard.

I could read when I was a baby too. I'm here now...still wanna buy that "My baby can read" sh*t!?! Didn't think so.

How long have I been doing comedy? Long enough to remember getting in trouble for doing the type of things people LOVE on Family Guy now.

Queen Latifah. Yum. That is all.

Anyone want to go half on that new "Bitter loser who can't get over it" distance learning course taught by Juan Williams?

I don't lie to women. I may get less than the liars, but when I get them...they STAY. (Unless I'm lying now, how would YOU know? *muahahah!)

It sucks loving a person that doesn't love you...and duct taping them and screaming "Love me! Love me!" DOES NOT help. THEY say...NOT ME...

TV writers, cliffhangers only work on people who give a crap. I DO NOT belong to that group.

Thanks "Inside Edition" for showing video of "the moment the polar bear died" thus inching us closer to showing snuff films. Classy.

I'd like to publicly apologize to the teller and manager of my local market for bothering them by purchasing food. It WON'T happen again.

My nephew laughs because I eat grapes instead of candy. I'm young enough to be here when YOUR metabolism slows down...then I laugh! Muahaha!

Vibrator $30. Call to my house...free. Just putting it out there...literally.

Ladies, if your guy gets turned on by the little girl voice you do etc, when you see "Jerry Springer" in your caller ID...it's not a joke.

Ladies, sometimes you look so good I want to give you 90 min of (edit) BEFORE you get my (edit). (Hey, if THIS seems dirty...I blame YOU)

AT&T buys T-Mobile. In other news herpes buys the clap.

People only TOUCH the top, they NEVER stay there. Just enjoy the process…that IS something you can do. That’s just my polite way of saying to my TYPE-A buddies, “Calm the f*ck down and stop whining like punks!”

My mother and sister just went bra shopping together. In other news, dry heaving is fun!

I make my living selling highlighters to the old guy that writes on your receipts as you exit the store. I'M the next black billionaire!

My overloaded washing machine violently thrust into the wall for 45 minutes... it wants to be ME so much. Delusion, meet anthropomorphism...

Love is a drug, like crack...and that explains my burnt lips. Wait, what?

I may have officially moved into the "We'll tolerate his advice for old time's sake" portion of my relationship with my nephews.

Really? Donald Trump is playing the "Birther" game now? Celebrity Apprentice...I'm out.

Walk up to a gorgeous lady and say you want your navels to kiss. See how many punches to the face you get before your first YES. #coolgame

Rachael Ray. I want her very badly. Or anyone who looks like her. The secret word is...."Endless intercourse". Sorry, I had to say it.

What do you mean you want to get into politics son? Can you sell drugs instead? (That's how f*cked up politicians are now, this WILL happen)

These are two of my favorite books.

Autobiography of a Yogi, by Paramhansa Yogananda

Life Ahead, by Jiddu Krishnamurti

That’s right, I’m deep. Ladies? Are you? Whoa…that didn’t come out right.

WISCONSIN....the home of REAL gangstas! Go HAM on those mofos! (Yeah, I know I'm sending some of you to the Urban Dictionary)

David Copperfield, don't get too full of yourself. You've been upstaged by the news. They've made nationwide protests disappear, so there!

The ONLY thing missing in our relationship with congress is Maury, an audience full of people screaming and a polygraph/DNA tester.

Not to be anthropomorphic but my computer is acting like an a-hole. Also, it uses the "N" word when I'm not in the room.

I think it's time for the Aflac® duck to have the voice of a super cool black guy. Who's being self serving?

I hate police brutality, but they SHOULD be allowed to pimp slap aggressive drivers. That is all.

I can't watch "Abusive boyfriends/husbands" episodes of "Maury". I know what would happen if some guy EVER put his hands on (insert female relative here). If you saw the fist and elbow marks in my heavy bag... you'd know that it wouldn't end well.

Social Media = people can read it = DON'T say stupid crap that will get you FIRED A-HOLE.

Breaking fake news! Westboro Church protests Gilbert Gottfried saying "That's just tasteless!" Film at 6 & 11

Game shows, the minute you have celebrity contestants...I'M OUT. See ya.

Having seen the uncut Life Alert commercial, they WERE right to edit out the daughter making the mom redo the will BEFORE calling for help.

I would tell the 112th congress to get their heads out of their asses, but everyone should have the right to go home sometimes.

Who do the advertisers think watch reruns of "The Nanny"? Apparently I'm supposed to be an old white lady in a friggin' hoveround.

I have a 60 min version of Hulk Hogan's theme "Real American" that I play in the background during lovemaking. Yes, I use it when alone too.

Don't try to save money buy purchasing P90a. Trust me, I'm now 700 pounds.

People want personal space when you're BEHIND them too...but I say, DON'T have such a cute butt lady. Nice gun. Bye.

How are the lawyers in TV ads going to convince a jury to give you money, when they can't convince me that they graduated grade school?

Doing the pantomime from Jerry Lewis' "Errand Boy" at the restaurant on a first date will NOT get you any action. You have been warned.

Today's the 10th anniversary of my failed feminine hygiene product "Damn girl, you stink!" .That's when an inventor died & a comic was born.

My "you know what" is ALSO the victim of a "lock out". I am open to arbitration, but I need a multi-year deal...

Bought ORANGE JUICE at a "Stop and go" beer place in the hood and the 40yr olds drunk at 9am looked at ME like I'M weird.

Since you can say whatever you want on cable news, I'm starting a channel telling people to mail money (Everyone) & bang me (LADIES ONLY).

If they don't fix the NFL lockout and I'm FORCED to speak to my relatives... things will get ugly.

Hey, maybe it's time to boycott the network news. They seem to have boycotted us...

I want to do a show where I pretend to be a millionaire, then at the end of the show I tell people "I ain't givin' you sh!t, I'm broke too!"

Don't YOU love the rain? The life giving force & coolness of the water, the clean air, missing half of the show you're watching on the dish.

Have you ever gone appliance shopping with a relative knowing that they're going to bore of it and eventually give it to you? Yup, THAT.

Hey reporters that won't cover the WI protests...YOU are supported by unions too. Just saying...

Hey, people that write "House", it's my third favorite show but if you start that will they or won't they crap...I'M OUT!!!!

Just ate wonton soup and chocolate ice cream...NO YOU'RE PREGNANT!

Thinking about getting a bidet. Surprise drunk vomiting friend! SURPRISE!

Breaking Fake News! Wisconsin working to make it ILLEGAL for ANYONE NOT a BILLIONAIRE to speak unless spoken to. Film @6 & 11!

I use POWER STICK deodorant. That's right. Draw from that what you will ladies.

For ME to break up with Jessica Biel (aka voluntarily stop putting my penis in her) I would have to SEE her shooting at my mom.

Draconian laws AGAINST lying on the news would be great...wait, that'd clear more cable space for reality shows...DAMN! No winning here!

Where are the jobs Mr Boehner? What do I need this travel brochure for? Oh.

I'll take candy away from the babies later, I'm taking their healthcare & education now... but I'll be back! - 112th congress/NEW Governors

My nephews are here this weekend, I'm going to create a household surplus by not feeding them or letting them use the toilet. #scottwalker

"Death Wish 2" just came on. The character Bronson plays looks like he MAY have anger issues.

Today's movie lesson...dudes in old movies CANNOT fight. I would so kick a cowboy's ass...

Come on girl, get outta that bathroom! Man, she's gonna be in there until 1990! - Every 70's black sitcom

What the hell are these black people doing HERE? - every 50's sitcom (Edited out for syndication)

We don't exist. - every 30's sitcom

If Scott Walker would pull his head out of the Koch brother's asses for just a second, MAYBE he'd hear what the PEOPLE want. SELLOUT!

Why is there a note saying "F*ck you, signed Scott Walker" in my grilled cheese sandwich?

Do YOU think that Scott Walker watches the last 5 minutes of the movie "Hoffa" and pleasures himself? I do.

I go home to visit my family and it's raining cats and...oh, nevermind. They're just cleaning off that weird lady's roof.

I wonder how many people would get slapped hard if a tourist destination was named "Balls Deep" BEFORE people knew you WEREN'T being fresh?

*looks around for approval, finds it* "THIS? It's ALL been about THIS?" *disappointedly tosses it over shoulder* "Puh-freaking-leeez...."

These NEW Governors are so blatant in their disregard for people it's like a chef LEAVING THE KITCHEN and peeing in YOUR food AT THE TABLE.

Ladies, there are many, many things that I would LOVE to do to YOUR butts. ALL weird, ALL would feel AWESOME to you. You have been warned.

Wow. They aren't even trying to hide their disdain for you WI. Wow.

Breaking Fake News! Scott Walker working on a "Bring back slavery and this time include white people" bill. Film at 6 & 11!

Strip clubs, strip mining, stripping unions rights...I'm sensing a theme here.

Hey man, I can't watch this TV show anymore, it "jumped the WI GOP" a long time ago.

"Take THAT you red nosed, big shoe having, makeup wearing loser!" - Jared to Ronald McDonald.

Certain types of requests and even the amount of requests for your time are inherently disrespectful. Think about it....

Why do these energy drinks only give you energy for 5 hours at a time? I mean you have to keep buying...wait a minute! You slick bastards!!!

Fish oil tablets PROMOTE heart health? I put my ear to the bottle EVERY morning before I take them. They haven't said ANYTHING. Liars!!!!!

It's kind of depressing that the same jokes ridiculing the government in an episode of "Good Times" are just as accurate today....

C'mon new Governors, it's one thing to be a contrarian, it's another to be draconian nut cases.

Thanks to credit card companies/banks there is a new relic in the Smithsonian to visit. "The Loan Shark"

Sheen has Millions of dollars, regularly gets to sleep with TWO hot women in a mansion. I DON'T get to do that. Who's crazy again?

The mechanic was having trouble opening his jack... this is not good.

Social media/social networking sites... Enjoy them for what they are, but don't take them TOO seriously = Don't be an asswipe. That is all.

Couldn't convince my health nut date that my semen was "whole grain". Back to the drawing board...

Breaking News! Mike Huckabee says to sold out conference "Fire BAD!" film at 6 & 11.

Chalie Sheen FIRED! Where are the jobs Mr. Boehner!?!

It doesn't take a degree in Social anthropology to see that xenophobia is as addictive as drugs. Watch cable news and E!. I rest my case.

PLEASE explain to teens that order pizza from YOUR house that they MUST tip! I don't want ANGRY DRIVER'S BODY FLUIDS to be my free topping.

A smart lawyer could make tons of money representing women with small/medium asses in a class action suit against hip hop video makers.

Unlike that punk tortoise, when I catch "the hare"... I'm going to talk MUCH sh!t.

Going to the doctor's office Wednesday morning to get a finger inserted in my anus so she can check my prostate. An appointment? No... an "Understanding"? Yes.

My narcissism is at the Mendoza line. I'm narcissistic enough to think that people will be interested in what I write, but NOT enough to pay attention to whether people actually do or not...

That's how it works, right?

Who cares? Back to ME!!!!!!!

I wish I could get paid to tweet like the stars do, especially about my LOVE for Subway® sandwiches, Trojan® Condoms and Rihanna's Ass®!

I would LOVE to be Esperanza Spalding's upright Bass.

Celebrity Apprentice = Celebrities desperate for attention. The NEW show title should be "Really, It's come to THIS?"

You know those canaries in those coal mines? I killed them. Yup, and thus forced people to use an inaccurate phrase for years. I run sh!t.

Don't you just LOVE having EVERY ASPECT of your daily life broken down, repackaged and SOLD back to you? Yeah, modern life is fun!

If you put in TOO MUCH detergent and the water comes out black & WITHOUT suds, your clothes are disgusting and you CAN'T borrow my jacket.

I just realized that there are LESS talented people who are MORE successful that me. This has got to stop. ;-)

Yeah, I yelled FIRE! But they STOOD to run out, so that counts as a standing ovation. YES IT DOES! Oh crap, the police! Gotta go!

Hey, Charlie Sheen...huh? We're NOT doing that anymore? Oh... should I break out my Mike WTFabee material then?

Apparently the guy next to me has on a deodorant/body spray that hasn't mastered multitasking.

If the Indian lady at Subway licked my sandwich it would taste better... in other words SHES FRIGGIN' HOT!!

A 12yr old was trying to get into a fist fight with the guy who owns the pizza place... *singing* I believe the children are our future...

I'm trotting this out, (QIO) "Quiet is Okay" for when I want someone to STFU, but I like them too much to say that to them.

I want to get married someday, but I really need to have a lot of sex when I'm in a relationship... this is where Alanis Morissette should start singing "Ironic" isn't it?

I can't wait until I've made $100 million dollars so I can stop caring about the quality of my work...openly.

Attack of the Billionaires! Coming to your paycheck soon! This film is in 4D.

The NFL, WI, OH.....DAMN! Why are billionaires so pissed off? Did union workers and the middle class say something nasty about their mamas?

Having THIS congress in control is like working WITH your vindictive, cheating ex, who's pissed because you are happily remarried now.

20yr anniversary of the Rodney King beating. Hey, let's ALL celebrate the anniversary of horrible stuff! 3yrs ago my ex acted like a ho,Yay!

ALL interviews that Megyn Kelly does with a democrat sound like the uncomfortable public marital spat that signals the end of a marriage.

So...ALL urinals don't go to the floor. Got it.

Never any problem recruiting for class warfare, is there? (See how deep and thoughtful I am ladies? *checks breath* Can we get it on NOW?)

I'm a relationships guy. I don't know when I'm being flirted with. I wish this nude lady would stop shouting "Stick me" so I can think!

If you spray deodorant on your genitals and it burns you...don't tell me and your other comic friends about it and expect us to NOT laugh!

I'm part tank, part jet plane, part lion, part...I really should have gone to the emergency room after hitting my head huh? This IS A PHONE!

Can someone please make it illegal for school kids to buy 5 cent candies when an adult who's in a hurry wants to buy a sandwich damn it!

It's not good when your date tells you that she chooses her soap by how much it assisted her in her most recent paraffin test.

Extra Strength Tylenol....good for muscle aches and pains, and being trapped next to teenagers discussing their relationships on cellphones

So, I guess Ohio got tired of WI and AZ getting all of the attention. YOUR turn FL! Ban breathing after 5pm! Bring it, show them "crazy" FL!

Success. SUCCESS! Don't you run from ME! *shoots dart into it's ass, catches it and begins taunting* Thought you could get away huh? Nope.

Don't call a woman under 60 a "Broad" there are so many ways that it can go wrong. Am I right guy who's balls are hurting now? He said yes.

If you buy book readers to save time, *sigh* it takes the SAME amount of time to LISTEN to books. Oh, you're waiting for me to read this...

So, the lesson to be learned from schools that have daytime commercials is, "EVERYONE that DOESN'T go here becomes a complete loser" Got it!

This chill pad for my laptop sucks. Now it just wants to play xbox, watch porn and...hmm, come to think about it....CHILL PADS RULE!!!

The acting in these daytime commercials is unbelievable....literally.

"Relationships are ALWAYS hard", said the person who keeps dating jackasses.

21yr olds are fun because of their vitality, 41yr olds are because they DON'T freak out when your penis ACCIDENTALLY grazes their butt hole.

My friend got TWO tickets for driving while on a cellphone, so it cost him $300 to tell his wife that he's two blocks from home. IDIOT!

Charlie Sheen. Reality Show. Now!

I buy rock salt, bread and eggs during the summer...because I do what I want! I'M a REAL REBEL!

I'm watching a rerun of "The Nanny". I'd forgotten how much I wanted to get it on with her. Hot!!

Canada has a law against deceptive news reports AND universal healthcare. It would be nice to have BOTH or at least ONE of those here huh?