Sunday, June 30, 2013

Two worlds, Two lessons…

It’s an amazing thing getting to see the world through another person’s eyes. On many occasions it’s getting to see things anew through the eyes of a child. When viewing the world through their eyes, amazing vistas open. A long forgotten joy in small things returns. You can look at a big box on the floor and it becomes….A MAGIC CASTLE! Your rug is now …THE OCEAN!  You are now…a PIRATE! Or an OLYMPIC SWIMMER! Yes, sometimes borrowing or visiting these magic lands is the gift that a child can give to you. A vacation from the real world. It’s beautiful.

Yesterday, I was driving an older relative around my home town. As this happened, I thought of many moments from my youth and the fun that I had. These places had different memories for my relative. He’s a happy man, but HIS memories of these same neighborhoods was a bit different. I would recall running after a pretty girl, he would remember running for his life because at the time of HIS youth…he wasn’t allowed here. I remember going to the store and becoming friends with the shopkeepers… he remembered going the long trip home hungry because “We don’t serve you people here!”. As he would tell the stories, there would be a little pain on his face, but the smile would return when he would leave the past and think about where he is and where we are now.

It’s a wonderful thing getting to see things from a child’s eyes AND the eyes of someone with a bit of history behind them. BOTH can teach you. One, teaches the need for the ability to feel joy in the moment and the other teaches the need to never forget the moments that have passed.

I listen to both, and I am a better man because of it.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Ladies, I’m NOT a piece of meat…no matter how much butter and olive oil I cover myself with!

I'm not damaged goods. That dent in my ass came from sitting down too long. You are so judgemental!

Yes officer, giving the guy with the $190,000 car a $40 ticket is going to really teach him a lesson.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Social media should be an enjoyable, wonderful tool, it SHOULDN'T be used to crush a person FORCED into the spotlight. Shame.

How many people behind keyboards being disgusting and rude to Rachel Jeantel do you think could handle the same treatment? My guess? None.

Dear Pat Robertson, how about you save some crazy for another time? I mean, don't use up all of your crazy for the year on the fall of DOMA.

I used to love playfully pinning girlfriends to the wall and sniffing them after a shower.

I just did it to myself.

Gonna sacrifice a goat on my porch. I think that'll keep me uninterrupted on Sunday mornings...and forever.

S. Anthony Thomas, 50% nice guy...50% go fuck yourself. Your actions will designate which 50% you get.

You have been warned.

"I hate when gorgeous women make you have sex with them all night."

- No dude ever

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

I don't know why Antonin Scalia ranted against gays, he's been screwing the men and women of this country from the bench for years...

"The only thing that makes me weep is your use of my name to promote your bigotry and hate Mr Huckabee!"

- Jesus

"Hey Huckabee, stop making up things and using my son for cover!"

- God

"I am so glad Mr Huckabee doesn't believe in ME!"

- The Buddha

At some point, you look like an idiot wearing headphones bigger than your entire body. Just putting that out there....

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

- Doing an "Unworthy of being on the Supreme Court" headcount.

SCOTUS guts voting act, then piss on Dr Martin Luther King's grave while giving the Lincoln Statue the middle finger. Film at 11.

The power plays used to fuck minorities will be used to fuck you keep applauding jackasses, these "elites" don't like you either.

5 members of the Supreme Court finally decide to openly wear the hoods that match their robes, film at 11.

It's time to end lifetime appointments to the SCOTUS. Too many all powerful cretins get to wear that robe.

After gutting the voting act, the SCOTUS eject Clarence Thomas forcing him to apply for a job at the Paula Deen estate, Film at 11

The practical joke is over. You can get those bigots off of the SCOTUS and put the real Judges back. What? Those ARE the REAL ONES!?! Shit.

Dear America, stop being afraid of women's nipples. I've slurped on tons of them, they are NOT dangerous. You're welcome.

Dear prison guards, let George Zimmerman have all of the cigarettes, fatty food and sitting down that he wants.

Breaking NEWS! SCOTUS watches documentary "Eyes on the Prize" in reverse and pleasures themselves. Film at 11!

"dRacists Unchained" a new movie about the current SCOTUS directed by Quentin Tarantino. The "d" is silent and so is common sense.

"Wow, THOSE people are racist!"
- George Zimmerman finds out that the SCOTUS trashed the voting act

Today's politics proves that scum also rises to the top. It must be skimmed and discarded on election day. REMEMBER THAT!

Monday, June 24, 2013

The ONLY time I've let women call me the "N" word in the when my "D" word was deep up in their "V" word.

If you give too much and receive too little, you cannot walk away too fast...

If you pimp slap a rabid raccoon, fifty dollar bills fall out of it's ass. Trust me.

Ever put your face up to a fan and scream into it? Was it a fan of the Rolling Stones on a bus? No? Punk ass.

I don't BLOW bubbles, Anal only

Ever get your thing caught in your zipper? Your suitcase zipper?

Sunday, June 23, 2013

60 minutes. The Big Bang. Different Strokes.
- S. Anthony lists shows that describe his lovin'

Yes, I know the show is called "The Big Bang THEORY" but my greatness at lovin' FACT! Yeah! I told you! Ha! Yeah!

"This is gonna hurt YOU more than it hurts ME, because this shit isn't going to hurt me at all."
- Honest parent (pre-spanking)

Is this a bad time to tell people that Eric Snowden and Paula Deen are at my house and we're playing "Tell a secret, scream an epithet?"

70's television shows are homophobic as hell. Not "current congress homophobic", but definitely homophobic.

Thanks people illegally uploading shows from my childhood to YouTube for ruining my memories and showing how sucky some of that shit was.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

I prefer black women, but give me a time machine...and Fran Drescher and Leah Remini could both get it.

Dear God, we'll trade you George Zimmerman for James Gandolfini. One was worth something, the other one is George Zimmerman.

I like the original "Super Moon". This remake doesn't feel authentic...

Friday, June 21, 2013

I love green tea so much I would bang it, and cook it breakfast in the morning and then bang it again.

I'd tear up winning lottery tickets to marry and make babies with Serena Williams. Yup.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian and dating? What...a baby? Why was I not informed of this!?!

I want the women that screamed "Oh yes, work it you sweet n-word! It's yours n-word! Don't ever stop n-word!" to me during sex to apologize.

"But you'd like them if you had banged them in college like I did..."

- Sarah Palin talks to Paula Deen on the phone

Thursday, June 20, 2013

There is no substitute for REAL strength. Okay, a gun, but that's not fair.

I was weirded out when guys kept saying they hoped Lebron "doesn't wear his headband tonight" until I found out they DIDN'T mean condom...

I must be looking young. A security guard followed me around a store today.
Thanks slightly racist security guard!

"Bet you're sorry that your always faithful ass didn't have the 3 way with her friends now huh?"
- Devil on my shoulder after a bad breakup

Paula Deen quickly puts a beat behind her when she says the N word, gets forgiven and goes platinum. Film at 11!

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Chinese food gives me a boner, it's either that or the Chinese lady behind the counter with the perfect body telling me she likes my dimples...

"To explore oneself is to seek truth and that truth is you ain't shit!"
- The dude that had the job and was fired when The Buddha became available

Had a dream about Miley Cyrus. I had lots of sex with her. I don't like to be subtle.

Miley Cyrus' video "We Can't Stop" is the Instagram account of EVERY teen and 20 something lady set to music.
*watches it 25x in a row*

"Bwahahahaha! I thought today would be better than yesterday! Yeah, I'm stupid..."

(True story from today)

*I walk into a doughnut show for a green tea and fruit salad, I see a homeless man who says to me...*

"Yo brother, I'm not asking for a handout. I just want some food".

*I walk into the shop and buy the man a cheeseburger, then go outside and give it to him*

"Damn n*gger, I can't get nuthin' to drink!?! Why you gonna give me this sh!t and nothing to drink!?!"

*I look at him...he sees that he might have inadvertently ordered a side order of whipped ass*

"Oh..uh...sorry man. Thanks."

*I walk off and then 30 seconds later laugh my ass off in the car as I drive away...*

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

When you scream at the lady behind the counter, then find out YOU were wrong, you're supposed to apologize, NOT be a BIGGER asshole lady...

UPDATE!  The 5 second rule is really the 4.5 second rule. We've been doing it wrong all these years. You're welcome.

"People that are adults and make stupid faces behind reporters are soooooo cool!"
- D-bags
Sometimes silence doesn't mean an absence of sound. Have you ever been among many people but still felt invisible?

That's silence my friend.  You can either get used to the silence, or you can change the type of people around you. You deserve to be noticed...and heard...and respected. Find people that hear you. Fuck everyone else.

10 Common Historical Misconceptions

Monday, June 17, 2013

Just felt my own ass, you people are right, It's awesome.

How many armpit fetish photos do you think it'll take before the NSA stops monitoring my computer?

All the good men are married or gay? So as a good man my only two choices are to be married or gay? How about single, happy and laid?

Spanking is RECIPROCAL ladies!

YouTube is becoming a way for lazy people to argue with and insult each other.

Scooby Doo actually spoke in perfect english, he was just mocking shaggy.

Scooby Doo actually spoke in perfect english, he was just mocking shaggy.
Yes, I have inside information to confirm this...

Sunday, June 16, 2013

President of the United States. One of the most thankless jobs on the planet.

A sweaty, out of breath guy hands a $50 bill with blood on it to a teller while looking over his shoulder and she won't take it.

Hypnotized by delicious lady booty. Also boobs, and legs... most importantly...a good heart... which makes it easier to get it on longer.

I'm going to call colonoscopies "Drone Strikes" from now on.

I'm not a dad, but I've made thousands of test runs.

Politics and Religion seem to bring out the dormant jackass gene in some people. Not ME of course. I mean...I'm ALWAYS right.

YES I AM! Screw you if you disagree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy caught by her angry brothers at the bus station...I mean Father's Day!

Superlatives have replaced racial epithets for the slick politician. We still know what you mean though…having said that… screw you.

I starting a petition to rid porn of man ass shots. WHO'S WITH ME!?!

No movie should be as bad as the one I just saw. I don't even remember the title...because after a certain amount of pain, the brain blanks out.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

When you lose a friend on Facebook, it feels the same as that feeling you get when a gas bubble goes away.

The voices in my head have decided to go solo.

I should be somewhere slurping on a cute woman right now...

But I'm not.

So today kinda blows.

Why do people call those public assistance cell phones "Obama Phones" but DON'T say "Obama Degree" when they finish college with his help?

Friday, June 14, 2013

Ladies, there ARE good men out there...

They're just too good for YOU. My message to you? Settle.

Yes, I'm available...

I'd probably do better with women if I had more confidence....

*gets a crap load of sympathy sex*

"Yeah, I knew that pretend to have no confidence crap would work."

*juggles chainsaws that are on fire while walking a tightrope and winking at the girls waiting outside of a modeling school*

Virginia is for lovers...

...of anal.


I see your Edison reference in your car commercial and I'll raise with a Tesla reference and an accurate accounting of history...

When you use the "Incognito" window on the new laptops, tissue pops out. Yes, EVERYONE knows what you're doing you sick freaks!

*Whispering* Google is following me. Every time I use a different computer, my tabs and bookmarks are there...

I'm losing my mind!!!!!!!

The judge that put Ochocinco in jail just cupped my buttcheeks and sentenced me to 30 days of...well, let's just say I'm not fighting it...

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Just found out that I'm 1/32 Native American.
GET OFF MY LAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't run to your car in a raincoat if you're shoeless & wearing shorts. People WILL get the wrong idea, especially if you're near a school.

Dear rappers, people will rob you if you walk around with large sums of money, gold and/or diamonds.

You're welcome.

Now that 2 Chainz has been robbed, "Bucket O Gold" had better increase his security.

Racist attacks on an 11 year old singing the National Anthem?

NSA, you know what to do...

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

"You are NOT the father!"
*dances around like an ass*
"Yeah! I told you! You ain't nuthin' but a !@^#@!"
*hands Maury money*
"Thanks man"

Maybe YOU'RE are mad about the NSA scandal, but without them my friend would've had to hire Cheaters to know about his wife's boyfriend.

Jason Kidd retires.
9 days later coach of the Nets
9 days from now retires as coach
9 days after that goes into Hall of Fame
9 days later...

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

"Vinegar. Vin..N*gger, NICE TRY RACISTS!"
-A tweet If twitter was invented in the 60's

The Obama administration has changed it's mind about the morning after pill.
- 30 year old dudes that bang teens

Not ALL boobs are salty, that's why I bring my own salt when I'm on a date.

My little bi-racial cousin poured Cheerios on me while I slept, just like in the commercial.
She just wanted the box.

The one little cousin that was afraid of me, NOW smiles when he sees me and crawls quickly across the room to me....
...and with that, goes my last babysitting excuse.

Monday, June 10, 2013

There are two types of comedians:

Those that ADMIT to being influenced by Richard Pryor

and those that were influenced by Richard Pryor and don't know it.

That is all...

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Ip Map would whip Superman's ass. Because he actually existed. Also, Superman didn't study Kung Fu. Duh...

The NBA finals are on against the Tony Awards….tough choice…. Bwahahahahaha!

"Whoa! Hot potato, hot potato!"
- The Phillies when a .500 record is in their hands

I'm covered in baby spit. Yeah, a cousin's work is never done...

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Quitting IS an option.

A wise man once said to me "Aw shit, let's get outa here!". I followed that man's advice...and our asses remained UN-kicked. Yes...a wise man

Friday, June 7, 2013

Dear people watching the movie "The Purge", some of us grew up in neighborhoods that were like that ALL THE TIME. Not gonna scare me...

Peeing on a pigeon.
(Added to the bucket list)

I should be getting it on with a gorgeous lady right now, but I'm stuck with you lose...I mean...hey guys!

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Wait until people see my Cheerios commercial with the bisexual asian sisters....

A confused Michael Douglas is on my porch licking my neighbor's cat.

I'd rather see a full episode of the show I like, not this bullshit pilot you tricked me into watching by putting it in the show I like.

Keep my opinions to yourself, because I'm always right. Wait, what?

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Breaking news! S. Anthony Thomas discovers that the cure to the HPV virus causing throat problems is booty slurping. Film at 11!

Play Liberace...then tell people that you had so much oral with women that you got throat cancer. Well played Michael Douglas, well...played.

No, don't worry Mr. Thomas, I won't give you a ticket.
- Even the police see my greatness (They even helped bury the bod...uh, nothing.)

Is a controlled fire an acceptable alternative to me doing yard work?

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

I'm not a "Boob" man or a "Butt" man, I'm a "What kind of person is she?" man.
(Saying that crap is going to get me so much boobs and booty)

If the host of "Cheaters" asks you to meet him, don't bother watching the video when you get there. Your spouse was fucking someone.

This hotel doesn't have wifi, but the betamax machine and free edsel parking more than make up for it.

Just looked at an old guy and thought...."I don't want to live THAT long!"

Dear teens in my neighborhood, you can now include ME in your "Can I cut your grass sir?" list.

Yes, I want the key to your heart. But...does it include unlimited access to the "Living room", "Upstairs" and your backdoor? It does? COOL!

*Reads book on teachings of "The Buddha" in public*
(Waits for unwanted religious conversion attempt)

*Puts on hat of favorite sports team*
(Waits for childish jackass to trash talk)

(Waits for people to give a shit)
*People instead, give him shit*
*Damn it, that's not what he meant!*

Monday, June 3, 2013

We’re supposed to be shocked Michael Douglas has oral sex with Catherine Zeta Jones? I’m shocked he stopped long enough to do an interview.

If Michael Douglas got HPV, from what he did, I should have the triple ebola virus right now just from what I did in the 90's.

"Dog whistle's FAN-TASTIC!"
- I'm selling slogan tee-shirts outside of congress

You may mock me, but I quickly sold out my "Truth, who needs it?" shirts outside of a certain cable news station...

Dear ballerinas that I will have sex with, keep your socks on. You know why. Thanks.

"I may surf with her...but I only podcast with YOU."
- Me trying to stop my laptop from getting jealous of my new Chromebook.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

The sun's uvb rays just called me the "N" word.

"Compete for you with 24 other guys? Are you nuts? Maybe YOU have low self esteem, I don't."
- S. Anthony leaves "The Bachelor"

Are they going to do a Superman movie with a different guy every six months? At least James Bond actors hung onto the role long enough to have fans argue about which era was better. Fans of these guys have to google their names during an argument about who's best.