Friday, April 30, 2010

The S. Man Sayeth...

63 minutes. That's the cut off. That's when you go from "Oh god!!!! You're the best!!!" to " My ass is cramping, get that thing out of me!"

If a person sits at a stop sign thinking it'll turn green, it's legal to bust their tires. No? YOU didn't read ALL of the drivers ed book.

Physical violence DOESN'T change minds! But, if you are one of my delicious lady followers, a light spanking on my brown bottom might work.

What planet are Jesse James and Gabriel Aubry on? When is getting to regularly ejaculate in Sandra Bullock or Halle Berry not good enough?

DO NOT glue a remote controlled car to the front of your pants and try to get service at a bikini car wash. You will fool NO ONE...i'm told.

"Gang bang" sounds awful, but "Genital Buffet", now THAT sounds appetizing.

Because of teenagers, if I buy lotion, I get weird looks. Ok, the porno DVD under my arm didn't help, nor did my "I can't wait to bust" hat.

Purposely high fiving strangers with wet hands "Just to see THAT LOOK on their faces" since 86! Using pee instead of water since yesterday!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Uh...I'M talking.....

Have you ever helped a child with their homework and realized that you've been out of school so long that you are now officially a moron?

One question to the ladies looking at my, how does your screen taste? Aww, yeah....

If the anesthesiologist enters the room bottomless. Reschedule.

Can we please stop using the suffix "awareness" for diseases that everyone is aware of and replace it with the suffix "getoffyourlazyassandhelpness" It would seem to me that this new suffix would be a little more accurate.

Uh, Sandra Bullock...if you want any more pretty African American babies....I would LOVE to help you out.

"Kidnap" sounds like "Catnip", too cutesy. Call it what it is, "Duct tape and drag" That being said, untie me before she takes my kidney!

If Sandra Bullock won't MAKE babies with me, maybe she'll ADOPT ME....and uh, I'm getting a little thirsty....

Enjoy rigorous and endless carnal knowledge of yourself...a service your mother provides strangers for a nominal fee. (you know who you are)

I try to be classy always. When I play with my junk...I always have my pinkies up.

It's not Tonsil "HOCKEY" officially unless there's ice in your mouth...& a bunch of drunk Canadians cheering...and a big stick in your hand.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Speaking my mind...

Can you, as an adult, divorce a whole family? If so, I'm ready.

The US Senate.... The last time that I saw that many "Bitches" in the same room I was at the dog pound.

Uh, you know that those religious books contain allegories right dude? Okay, then you should probably stop cutting your hand off now....

You CAN smile while calling the cops apparently. Thanks lady who unbeknown to me, noticed that I was, I mean some guy was following her...

Why are all of these Taco Bells on fire? #welcometoarizona

He who smelt it, dealt it. He who killed it, buried it.... whatever man, just hand me the bleach and shut up!

Alright, I'm only going to say this ONCE. A dog IS NOT man's best friend. Man's best friend is a disease free, willing vagina. Thank you.

What is family, who are friends?

I realize that I have a different definition of what a family is and what friends are. Some people think that merely coming into existence because of an earlier rhythmic collision of the same genitals makes you family. Some people feel that proximity creates friendship. I disagree. I think it's a consistent expression of love, concern and caring. I truly don't think that is too much to ask. I think that those things are a minimum requirement.

I find it amusing that people that have never met me will pay money to hear me speak for 60-120 minutes and love every second of it, but sometimes when I am with those that should care the thoughts and or feelings mean nothing. It is not a blow to my self esteem, nor is this a "Pity party". It's just an acknowledgement of what is. There is no hate in my heart and anger has no place there as well. I know now that there are people close to me that can no longer be close to me.

In my life there are "Friends" that aren't and it's okay to say goodbye to them. Sometimes for your own spiritual and emotional well being...and happiness, you have to say goodbye. A new and better self and a new and better life must be built on solid ground. It's time now. Namaste.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

If you're easily offended, keep it moving!

Um, "Cut out the middle man" just A SAYING. DO NOT take it literally. Also, I need a place to lay low for a while...don't ask...

Why do we sign peoples casts? Do they really need written proof that they know...their mom?, their cousin?...the gym teacher etc?

If you get mad at someone and push them down the stairs make sure it's the DOWN escalator...or you'll be there all day. That is all.

I asked this lady to spank me and she says "Yes!", then when I told her what with, she gets all weird. I mean, it's not like it's HER cat!

I was going to put up a new picture of myself but surprise, I look the same. A few months doesn't change a person much. Besides my new tail wouldn't have been seen in the first picture anyway it's just a head shot. Wait, huh?

Speed dating has the same massive rejection of a singles bar without the alcohol haze to dull the thank you.

I caught a hot woman looking at me licking an ice cream cone the same way guys look at ladies eating a banana! Yeah! Sc-friggin-ore!

Monday, April 26, 2010

An additional one sinks his teeth into the dust....

I'd say "Screw Monday!" but I'm really good at it and it doesn't deserve the treat...however...Friday has a nice ass. I'm going to call her.

Why is it that I'm always at my happiest before 10am and after 10pm?

My exercise equipment just said something bad about my I'm going to teach it a lesson by NOT using it! So there!

“The women filing restraining orders against me are hotter than the ones filing against YOU! Ha! You’re such a loser!!!”

I love “Maury” and “Jerry”…you get to watch people test drive the bad decisions that you’ve avoided.

Imagine what a wonderful world it would be, if your lady would "sleep" WITH you even when she was mad AT is but a dream...FOR YOU.

According to TV sitcoms, as a comedian, I should have a super attractive bitchy wife who is constantly annoyed with me. Ladies?

Alright! Yeah! Let's go! (These are the sounds made by someone pumping themselves up for a task that they know they CAN'T accomplish)

Sunday, April 25, 2010's what I think....

I’m extremely efficient. Want proof? I only require Uno Equis.

No one can SAY mean things and hurt you like the one you love. I could never do that to my ex. I'm just gonna knock up her twin sisters.

♫♪Balls in your mouth, balls in your mouth, you're snoring on my couch so my balls in your mouth♫♪

My balls don't talk to each other. The left one thinks the right one is being a snob by constantly sitting higher. It's a hairy situation.

Is there a way to create something new for when you only want people to leave you alone SOMETIMES? You know, instead of a restraining order, maybe a thing like an adjustable/retroactive restraining order? I ask because, what do you do if your stalker has a nice ass?

This isn't gender specific. Ladies, what if the guy is nuts but has mastered Tantric sex or has junk the size of an "S. Anthony Thomas?" (Yeah, right.) Maybe you'd like to get some and then turn the order back on when they start boiling rabbits or setting the car on fire. As a society we really must think these things through. Crazy booty CAN be incredible...I've heard...from others...who are not me.

Push! Push! Alright, there's the head! *These drug mules have got to go back to using balloons and not Barbie dolls* #imaginarydealertweet

Saturday, April 24, 2010

I'll be here all week!...

Are television execs even interested in entertaining adults on Saturdays? Goodness gracious, television sucks!

A friend just bought an iphone and already has to buy an upgrade for his "How to keep your phone from being obsolete" app. Ironic huh?

Have you ever looked at the people you hang out with and suddenly feel like you're inhaling... "Second hand loser?"

Bang...change condom...repeat.

Powerball lottery why have you forsaken me? Do you know how many idiotic purchases and hot skanky women I could have now? C'mon let me win!

A friend emailed a video of a guy getting chocolate licked of his balls by a dog. Sick! Chocolate is bad for dogs...oh and that's gross.

I love hookers that come back with your change.

Uh, ladies...does THICKNESS count?

Friday, April 23, 2010

S. Anthony Says...

Wait, I just realized...when I overheard my ex on the phone calling me "Thick & Dense"...she DIDN'T mean my junk. Bitch.

I have to get a digital rectal exam from my Doctor next month. I hope the box she uses is smaller than the one on my TV!

I promise you sir, I will NOT try anything with her TONIGHT. But when she's not on her period, I'm going in so deep I might hit brain stem.

To the lady that left me tied up covered in syrup...NOT FUNNY! Hold on...false alarm...she's back with a hot girlfriend. Disregard message.

I was going to go to Arizona...but I have to make sure that I first have papers saying which slave ship my family was brought over on. (

Taking bets on which state is the next to do something institutionally racist and or stupid…..

Thursday, April 22, 2010

S. Anthony Says...

Happy Earth Day

So, I guess I'm supposed to NOT smash aerosol cans with baby seal carcasses today?

I hate her politics....but damn Elizabeth Hasselbeck is smoking hot!

Look at that Blue/Green bitch...she thinks she's special! #Themoonbeingahateronearthday

Ladies, I am the Doctor of love. Well, more like the Optometrist. “Hey girl…is this better or worse…better or worse…”

It's funny, almost any stranger will join in on a high five...but try for a boobie suckle and everyone turns all "I'm gonna call a cop sir!"

After what I did with this cashier just now in the bathroom...this place should be called Barnes & Not so Noble! #fantasyorisit?

To keep the prison population down, do a better job of telling people about unwanted buttocks visits. That's why I don't kill. Wait, what?

Forget that “Double Down” burger you sissies! I can’t wait for next years “All In” burger. It’s not only the name of the sandwich, it’s what the pallbearers will say 6 months later when they drop you 400 pound ass 6 feet in the ground after eating that crap!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Talking Points...

I love watching idiotic conspiracy videos on the web. You know? What do you mean...YOU KNOW?... Wait a minute...

“Four score and seven years ago, it was the best of times it was the worst of times… Huh? Lincoln and Dickens who? No man, screw you I wrote that!” #Delusional Guy

If someone invents a button on the phone that makes telemarketers heads explode...I'm going to be in deep trouble.

I was just thinking, If a plane crashed into the "Dancing With The Stars" show we'd miss out on...uh...hmm...I got nothing.

Weed gets ONE day a year and beer gets EVERY Friday, Saturday and Sunday. UNFAIR! They'd protest...but they're their cars...

Are all police stations "Downtown?"...I've NEVER heard an officer say...I'm gonna take you Uptown! Well, one lady cop but that's personal.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Yup, Those Are My Words...

Bacon flavored condoms SEEMED like a good idea.....

I just got a letter from my doctor that says that my junk and my tongue produce high levels of THC and a natural fat burner. Ladies?

When brushing your teeth pay attention. Also...the "H" in "Preparation H" DOES NOT stand for "Has a pleasant taste" You have been warned.

It's funny...even when you grow up, you still don't outgrow your need for playtime...or candy...or spankings and titty sucking...

Well, the political ads are starting again...time to stock up on cheap TV's...because screens will be getting f*cking smashed!!!

I'll bet that lady in the Progressive commercials is kinky as hell. I'll bet she uses that Progressive pricing gun to...Don't Judge me!!!

I'm hiring a nightclub bouncer to man the velvet rope in front of my house. I need to keep it an a-hole free zone. There goes thanksgiving!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Nuff Said!...

I love this coffee so much, I'm stirring it with my junk. Sorry. I meant, I love this coffee so much. I'm stirring it with my junk.

I get the feeling that there aren't a lot of successful password thieves in Iceland.

I put the sperm in sperm whale. Hey, DON'T JUDGE ME....she was asking for it! How would YOU know? YOU don't speak whale!

You "pick" your friends, your family? pay someone to "pick them off" while you "happen" to be in the audience of a live TV show. What?

The LIPITOR ® dip that comes with the new KFC Double Down Sandwich is delicious.

Damned Cialis! They warn you about a 4 hour erection, but say NOTHING about the 4 hours of ejaculation! Bastards!...I'm thirsty...& tired.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Talking points?...

One of my exes was able to recognize me from 10 floors up just by seeing the top of my head...Ladies?

*walking away quickly before the lady who wanted me to rub suntan lotion on her realizes that I didn't use suntan lotion...or my hand*

Man, there's nothing sexier than someone trying too hard. I just went from not being attracted to you to being sick to my stomach. Thanks!

When they talked about the destruction of society we all looked for meteors...we should have been guarding against "Minute to Win It"

Have YOU ever just wanted to put all of your family members in one room and just scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" to them? Me too.

I must apologize to the lunch lady for my nudity...I was confused about what PB&J meant. I thought "B" was for booty. You fill in the rest.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

S. Anthony Says...

Why do restraining orders have to be so specific? I can't just put "A-holes, douche bags & my family" on there? What good is it then?

I miss the treadmill behind the cute girls at the gym. I have a home gym now. And thus a spy cam with a TV link was purchased. Problem gone.

Parents, there is a difference between discipline and abuse. Discipline is instructive. Abuse cost $100 an hour at...I've said too much...

Big penis looking for room to rent. Willing to pay for room with mind numbing, scream creating almost endless ecstasy...oh...and cash.

The Library of Congress is LETTING my tweets in? What do I do with this wall climbing gear, bolt cutter and stun gun? So, how's your sister?

Friday, April 16, 2010

You have been warned...

Pull my finger...Smell my finger...It's very important that you hear the FIRST word in the sentence. There's a BIG difference. Lesson Over.

If I "Ride" my neighbors' sister on the grass in front of my house. Am I a "lawn jockey?"

Thanks to my neighbor, I too can leave crap all over my front lawn. FYI, one of the things I'll leave, will be his ass Knocked the hell out.

I have a six pack ass. I think…I may have done something wrong at the gym. My trainer still seems proud of me, although he insists that I give the name of a trainer that he hates when I’m asked who helped me. Wait a minute! That bastard!

Tweet # 7000 on twitter today. Thought I'd run out of ideas by now, but it's like taking candy from a baby, minus an arrest & ass whipping by angry parents.

Single male seeks woman w/lots of cats, a low sex drive & anger issues. Just kidding. I don't want you in my state if ONE of those is true!

People high five too easily. We need a new gesture. Nipple licking, yeah! That way, if someone does know that you REALLY earned it!

It's funny when people play music to hide that they're screwing. I usually burst into the room dancing followed by pointing and laughing.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

....And I'll Say It Again...

Don't stand next to me if the world is ending...because I'm screwing whoever is next to me. Also, if my cab is late.

It’s tax time everybody…bend over and practice screaming Ouch!!!!!

I’m so ill informed. All of that time I thought the KKK hated black people when they burned crosses on peoples lawns but it turns out that they were mad at Jesus. I don’t know why, from what I read he was a pretty nice guy. I would suggest you stop picking on him, I don’t think his dad would appreciate it.

Call me crazy, but I could never be racist and stupid enough to protest against my own best interest.

The best feeling in the world to a guy?...Being deep, deep inside the woman of his choice. Nothing better than that....or Phillies tickets.

Practice makes the next time I "Take care of myself"'s gonna be awesome! Check YouTube tomorrow if you don't believe me.

I find it odd when a person on FB takes an obvious joke literally. I would explain the joke to them...but sometimes stupidity amuses me.

Hey baby, let me put this coin in the fountain. #Euphemismthatsoundedgoodinmyheadbutnotinreallife

Don't stand next to me if the world is ending...because I'm screwing whoever is next to me. Also, if my cab is late.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Talking points....

Watching new PBS special on The Buddha...DO NOT try his FIRST diet. That is all.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you keep putting your fingers in and eating…..come to think of it…life then would be more like your woman’s (Redacted)…you know, with the whole fingers and eating…I’ll get back to you….

I hate when people compliment you so you'll do something. One guy said "You are so good at NOT kicking my ass!" "Thanks...wait a minute!"

It amazes me how gullible people are. Some people believe obvious lies. Gotta go now...I'm having a threesome with the Williams sisters.

Is there an "ADULT Protective Service?" Let's be real here, with flash mobs, texting while driving are more likely to kill US!'re saying groin nuzzles haven't replaced butt slaps as congratulations? Sorry lady. *Whispers to friend* "I'm not sorry"

My doctor now uses pimp slaps to extract blood for'm putting together a list of people I don't like to recommend him to.

My back window is my reality TV. It's better actually because when the characters get annoying I can hit them with a fu*king egg. (And I do)

If you can make your woman’s toes curl she’ll have a hard time leaving you. Either become great in bed…or make sure she gets rickets.