Was thinking marriage one day, but it's cheaper to watch one of those "Housewives of" shows. An angry wife not f*cking me and NO alimony? Cool.

Gee, I wonder if James O'Keefe got his ass whipped a lot in school. My guess...YES.

Don't tell the heavy lady that buying an omelet isn't good for her if you just got out of a car that has breaks that squeak while you park.

Is there a special "non pixelation when it rains or snows" package I can purchase from Direct TV?

I hate bugs. I'm tired of talking about my plans for world domination in the shower with the radio blasting. Repeating yourself sucks!

Washington DC...the black hole that devours common sense & compassion. Shame on you.

What is it about the combination of rain drops and car interiors that turns people into f*cking morons?

You know how people say "time just flew by"...well this last four hours flew directly into my jaw. Ow!

Politicians for sale! Everything must go! 50% off because the balls, hearts and brains are gone...

Man, you shouldn't have tempted her, here comes the kitchen sink! Now that you're broken up, can I get her number? She's feisty! #dbagfriend

I've officially moved into the "cool for an old guy" part of my life according to my teen family members. I should bang their friend's moms.

Have you ever looked at a hot lady with tattoos and get the feeling that the tattoos are there to cover up gunshot wounds?

I've never actually been to a hooker...but I'm thinking about it. Nah, I'll just find someone easy. (ladies only)

Commercials now have to be at the same volume as TV shows! Thanks Senate! Now, could you shut up the homophobes and racists?

What's with all of the toy recalls? It's looking more like a plan than a coincidence. This'll teach those kids to spill on my rug!"

I'd hire a grave robber before I'd hire a pick pocket...I mean, work ethic is important. Remember that.

If someone invented a coffee rehab facility, I'm admitting now, that I would have NO choice, but to burn it down. Yup.

Dummies, women can tell when you're complimenting them to get laid. You're fooling no one. I give genuine compliments and I get so much ass!

My reality show idea "People who AREN'T d-bags" got shot down. Back to the drawing board.

Jerry Springer is so fake. I've had slap fights with many pre-op transsexual Klansmen and not once was the cursing bleeped. Liars!

It really doesn't come as any surprise to me, that little good looking guys are the LEAST likely people to moon someone in prison.

I used to wonder what it would be like to live in the McCarthy era and now I do. I wonder what a threesome with Serena & Rachel Ray would...

Helloooo! The GOP is doing it right. They have government jobs, they're supposed to sit on their asses and do nothing. No, YOU don't get it!

Eddie Long is a porn star type name. I hope that he's innocent. In the meantime he will be replaced temporarily by Pastor Richard Thicke.

Politicians that play "chicken" with peoples lives...I hope you believe in hell, because there's a special place in it for you.

Who pees in the sink? C'mon man. Don't you see that trash can with "Please pee here" written on it? Heathen.

I'm no longer a hot head. I was tailgated and cut off today...and when I shot them *pats own back* flesh wounds ONLY. It feels good to grow.

Hi TV execs, stop creating shows with 5 year story arcs, that "let the show run two minutes longer" sh*t didn't work, this won't either!

Criminals...there's a good chance that some big guys in jail are going to use your butt as a condom dressing room, so why commit crimes?

Russell Brand has sex with Katy Perry everyday...good luck with that mental picture next guy to sleep with her.

My car and another tapped each other, no damage and we shook hands. Later at the Supermarket two idiots shoot it out over gum. WTF?

Skinny dip? Nah, I'm more of a long and thick dipper. (Yes, it means exactly what you think it does.)

Call me old fashioned, but two teens "making out" in public is gross. I couldn't even finish my popcorn while at home watching the tape.

I was going to give the guy screaming on the subway a dollar like I usually do, but he wasn't there. He was prepping his new fox news show.

I feel about unhealthy relationships the way that I feel about triathlons. They're fun to watch but too painful for me to be a part of.

I put the "get the f*ck up and do what I say before I kick you in your lazy throat" in apathetic. Huh? It means what? Oh...embarrassing...

The people who are obsessed with the TV show "Teen Mom" probably live in homes without windows.

Another uncomfortable situation...

Another uncomfortable situation...what do I mean? I had to explain to someone what MY definition of "Friend" is. I said a friendship, using MY definition, is a relationship that is internally altruistic but looks reciprocal externally. Confusing? I'll explain. It's all about the motivation behind the kind acts between the people in the relationship.

I have friends that will do things for me with no desire to be "payed back". They also know that I have done and will continue to do the same for them. Our individual motivations are altruistic, but because we are in a constant state of doing for each other, on the outside it has the look of reciprocity. I personally believe that this is also the best way to conduct a romantic relationship. The romantic relationship example of this unfortunately is merely a hypothesis. I've done my part in the past, now I look for a lady that will do the same for me...then all will be good.

The reason that I bring this up? I ran into a friend (Editors note: notice the lack of quotes around the word friend) who spoke of the good old days and as I went through my memories...those days weren't so good. I remember being treated horrendously at school, in romantic relationships and just in fucking general. Upon reflection, I had very few "friends" (Editors note: notice the appearance of quotes around the word friend). After that encounter I realized that the reason that I had few friends was my lack of one very important one...ME. I mean, I should at least be my own best friend. I had certainly felt up and had sex with myself enough times... BACK THEN. (Editors note: Shut up!)

"No Turns" signs are the work of the devil. That is all.

If someone comes up with a beer called "Pow!", then "POW, right in the kisser!" transforms into a marketing campaign and not a threat.

New twitter is "Rolling out" like a bad 70's blacksloitation film staring extras from other 70's blacksploitation films.

Anyone want to go with me to the "I hate everyone that doesn't look like me" class Newt Gingrich teaches at the Learning Annex?

People that knock on your door franticly like it's an emergency when it's not...have no idea that it's about to really be one.

OK, brag about your multiple "O's" ladies but YOU don't know how good it feels to us to be deep, deep in YOU. #bootygettingtweets

I'm glad that the segway guy didn't go with the original name he had in mind..."The Cliff roller offer" Just too ironic. #sorry

I wonder if the DNC watches Rachel Maddow. If not...they should.

Remember when mobsters went into politics to clean up their images? Now THEY don't want pictures with politicians. Too crazy...

Shut your nonexistent mouth calorie disclosure section of the checkers fast food wall menu!

Shut your freaking nonexistent mouth!!

As an actor, I couldn't be in a political ad that lied to the public. Shame on those who do. You know who you are...

Ladies, sitting next to us and complaining about how much football sucks doesn't make IT less attractive, but it does make YOU less so. Yup.

Home Depot needs a "I have never seen a tool of any kind and know nothing" section. AkA "S. Anthony is in a hurry!"

Women, no need to BUY things to insert...or buy THINGS to insert. Let S. Anthony help you, and talk about himself in the third person.

OnStar....you're starting to freak me out now...

I would love it if you had to wear a hat that said who you voted for and why. Then we'd know who the idiots voting for the idiots are.

A truly wise man can turn an "I want to rip your close off and pound you!" look into an "I love you, you're delicious" look, instantly. Yup.

One cup melted chocolate, two scoops whipped cream, two hand fulls of freshly showered lady buttocks, mix on my bed. Serve @ 98.6 degrees.

Screw you BED bugs, I'm sleeping on this sofa! Ow! Ow! Apparently these things are illiterate. I'm on a SOFA dumb asses!

Celebrity + Twitter = lame assed tweets from a PR intern. No thanks. (Of course if I become famous, i'm going to do the same crap)

The guy in the commercial for payday loans bragging about having cash probably also enthusiastically votes for tea party candidates. Yup.

Skinny women who have butts that jiggle...god bless you...

Rite Aid lawn chairs....for those who love the smell of melted plastic and burning cellulite.

At this point, i'll settle for peace or quiet...

I'm cooking dinner tomorrow for a large number of my family members...they'd better be nice to me. The eggs might not get refrigerated...

I wish that I could testify before congress "in character" I don't think they'd like me just pointing at them & yelling "Sellout motherf*ckers!"

These teeth yellowing strips are just not moving.

Fox News or SNL...which one do you think does the better political comedy? Huh? Fox is serious? Awkward...

I'm getting old. I JUST found out what "purple drank" & "superman that ho" mean.

I'm never doing a favor for "someone" again. Give an inch and they take a light year. Yes, you CAN use LIGHT YEAR to describe distance. :p

New obstructionist party theme song---> Click Here

Damn, they cancelled my bottomless Sesame Street appearance. "B...alls....Balls, say it with me everyone!" Hey the moms need something to keep THEM interested!

Can you see me giving you the middle finger in your rear view mirror? Good. Then you probably don't see that big pothole...yeah. Good times.

I care about my cheating ex the same amount that the (R)'s care about the poor. I take that back...I actually cared once, so it's different.

Having the only working car + lazy relatives with no boundaries = "Will the defendant please rise?"

This teen is hitting on a pregnant lady...dude, really? You still have titty milk on YOUR mouth. Go home punk.

Don't order a gag cake shaped like a woman's genitals if you know the birthday boy's drunk uncle is attending. Pie anyone?

Special message to teens in my house, tip the delivery guy...I don't want to be collateral damage if he launches a spit on the food attack.

If Bob Woodward and Kitty Kelly ever had a kid...he/she would get their ass kicked daily. "No, I won't tell the teacher anything...."

Women love when you nibble their ear...and their rear...but what really turns them on is when you write jokes way below your skill level.

Rachel Ray is cute and thick...yes please.

A new casino just opened up in my hometown. I didn't know that Philly had such a huge native american population.

Hi America, your old beau (R) is outside with roses. Too bad he got them with money from the girl he cheated with (Corporations). Wake up!

Why is Sesame Street so afraid of tits? Hell most of their audience has tits in their mouths while watching. And kids watch too. #sorry

Female stalkers...if you're hot and disease free, yes I will bang you. Hard and often. Catch me before I find a girlfriend. Thanks.

People DO NOT get MORE on unemployment than they do working. Stop saying that stupid shit. You're disrespecting millions of people. Thanks.

Funds for 9/11 heroes..blocked, repeal of DADT...blocked, anything that helps the middle class-poor-melanin enhanced...blocked. Fu*k you.

You're a beautiful lady with a great body, you're going to get attention anyway. STOP TRYING SO HARD! (Not NOW, when I'M finished looking!)

These angry people protesting the president would probably want to beat up a fireman for messing up their house. HE DIDN'T start the fire!

I think I've figured out the teabaggers. They probably watched "Showtime at the Apollo" and think you're supposed to yell and scream when a black person does something that you don't like!

My hot eye doctor said while preparing me "Let me put your face right where I need it." Oh...to hear her say that in another context...

How cool am I? I got several phone numbers today wearing my post eye exam paper sunglasses...funny how the numbers look like hahaha loser...

Christine O'Donnell, you have permanently lost the right to say that anyone ELSE'S agenda is frightening...with YOU being nuts and all...

Following the batsh*t crazies because they hate the POTUS is like a married couple fighting over toothpaste..something ELSE is going on...

I want to start a national movement to allow people to slap people acting like big a-holes in public. There's a lot of work out there!

I like to have women click their heels and scream "There's no place like home!" as I make love to them in their beds. No, YOU'RE weird!

If we legalized prostitution, hacker attacks would drop 99.9%....because these dudes really need some (edit) badly!

Hell is probably having to listen to my teen/20something relatives on the phone with their boyfriends trying to sound grown up.

Loud, profane and stupid are negatives individually. Together, they are absolutely horrible...unless you're a hot woman and I'm in you.

Now I know where all of the crazy people we used to run from in the singles bars went. #nutjobpoliticos

Some Insurance companies will now stop offering coverage to kids to fight against health bill...let's see if "people" protest that shit...

Politicians, I know that you live in your own little worlds...but we CAN see you. So you ARE lying to our faces.

deMEANor

It's not just healthcare that needs an overhaul, it's attitudes too. I was taking my uncle home from the hospital and we were both talking about how nice and kind everyone was. He has insurance. I then overheard a conversation between the receptionist/secretary speaking to a potential patient on the phone. She asked very sweetly and politely what kind of insurance that the person had...the person had none. Apparently her courtesy and kindness was only covered by insurance. She did her job...she said the same words that would be said to someone WITH insurance, but the deMEANor changed.

The same words now sounded (coming from her) as if she was thinking "There's a door in the back scum, crawl through the doggie door where you'll wait for a man to slap you. Then get in the spit in your face line...and MAYBE we'll help you." This person needed and needs help. This is NOT the time to add insult to injury. I shot her a look...and she returned to some semblance of professionalism, but she had already eroded my respect for her. Yes, a letter was sent to the higher ups and yes...my uncle is now going somewhere else. (I will not elaborate further)

Alright, next year i'm getting a new girlfriend. I miss regularly ALMOST getting up in some woman's sweet bottom.

Sperm is "no milk". The more a man has in his body, the more likely he is to say no to things. But, if you help him release it...ladies?...

When inconsiderate people encroach upon your time to the point that you are disallowed doing the basics for yourself, you are allowed to be selfish…and to shoot them.

"Feeling nothing inside is fun!" Cut! How long until his meds kick in?

...no, I DIDN'T know that! *scoffs*. I'm just practicing my over the top sarcasm so I'll be ready when my nephews come to visit today.

Mrs. Hasselbeck, who hates this country, one who questions it's motives or one who blindly follows incompetent bigots because of ideology?

Why is it that you get yelled at for giving women cheap assed gifts, but if the view does it they scream and applaud!?!

Bigots, every one of YOUR hateful arguments if implemented would come back to haunt YOU. Take off those hate clouded glasses, join the sane!

Every once in a while you must shake your life really, really hard to let all of the d-bags and a-holes fall off. Ah, refreshing!

Sitting in a parking lot waiting for Rite Aide to fill my uncle's prescriptions...this so looks like a drug deal...

Yeah, I put an extra e in Rite Aid...mine is in ye olde england. Shut up!

I'm going to do the one for you and one for me, two for you and one, two for me routine with my uncle's meds...COMEDY TIME!!!!

Spent all night in ER with uncle, now I have to spend today on the phone chasing his doc and setting up his meds. Can I borrow that noose?

My uncle's nurse is super "Makes you think of marriage" cute. He might get sick again...right after I see when her schedule is...

Racists back in the day would fuck YOU but NOT themselves, this new breed will kamikaze their own country by electing idiots. Shame.

I'm thinking of starting a new religion called "everyonesucksbutusism"

I've never cheated on anyone, had a DUI, used illegal drugs or tapped my foot in a public bathroom....so there! #tauntingeverypolitician

I'd bet money that 90% of tailgaters were bullied in school. Good. F*ck'em

Visiting family in the hospital makes you think about life. It's tough. What's even more tough? Accidentally seeing your uncle's balls. 

I was just hit on by a very pregnant lady. I don't know whether to be flattered or weirded out.

Follow, unfollow...(repeat) I am not offended by you, you're more of a curiosity. I will not change for you. Sporadically enjoy!

Have you ever smiled warmly at someone and had that person return nothing but scorn to you? Well, you're cool and they're assholes. Yup.

If someone on the subway said the things that some of these politicians are saying, you'd switch seats! SO WHY WOULD YOU VOTE FOR THEM!?!

The guy in front of me has a girlfriend so hot I'm not even jealous. He's like a powerball winner. I'm happy for him and hope I hit someday.

I miss working in an office. I work at home, I'd shoot the people here but I am soooo out gunned. And they hid my weapons.

A trip to Singapore and public caning for bot creators and spammers...WHO'S WITH ME!?! No, YOU'RE crazy!

The GOP Leader just tweeted about the Constitution's Anniversary. So....he IS aware of it. Now, maybe he'll read the damned thing!

If you can see that a bus needs to turn the corner and it takes you two minutes to figure out what to do...Instant license revocation!!!!!

Really officer...you DON'T smell the weed around here? Do you think that it's a coincidence that you're trying to eat your dog NOW?

"These reality shows are sucking up all of the people with mental disorders. Now I have to work at Denny's"

- Psychiatrists

You're horrible for my country, but joke writing has never been easier. Thanks racist politicians!

Had a sex dream about Betty White & Abe Vigoda...now it hits me why those college students laughed when they gave me the brownies.

I did a show at a church and was asked to keep it clean. After the show everyone that came up said "F*cking great show man!" (True)

I'm starting to think that Mike Huckabee flips a coin each morning before he leaves the house "Heads, I'll sound sane today...tails a nut!"

Imagine how much better the world would be if sane, rational and compassionate people were LOUDER than the nuts. Ah...tis but a dream....

Special message to women with beautiful asses. Thank you for sleeping on your stomachs...and for loving what I do to you to wake you up.

Feeling-Hurting OCD

Have you ever met someone with "Feeling-Hurting OCD?" I have. A friend was just doing an early version of a new play, it was a little rough around the edges but still good and we had a nice dinner before the show. Another actor had his new girlfriend with him and it was obvious that our little group didn't meet her socioeconomic standards. After the play we went to get coffee and talk...the other actor and his lady friend decided to leave. Upon leaving the new girlfriend said "I had a great time!"

After she left, we all felt bad mainly because we started to dislike her based on her attitude towards us, but her nice words to our friend made us rethink how we felt. 10 minutes pass and we notice our friend and his new lady approach us. We all are thinking that they had a change of heart and WILL join us. It seemed to everyone that our newfound positive feelings toward her were accurate after all. Then she spoke.

She looked at my friend and said "Uh, when I said I had a great time I meant the food...um...not the play. Sorry." She then left. She came back just for that. It would have been so easy to let the guy think that a stranger had positive feelings about his show. That would have been too easy I guess. That my friends is "Feeling-Hurting OCD" She was just compelled to come back and say that. I hope, the next time that she is wearing one of her expensive furs, she happens upon a group of angry PETA members exiting Home Depot with enough paint to do a hotel. End of rant. (At least this one)

"Politicians, YOU SUCK!" - Everyone who isn't in politics (Except really rich people)

I can't believe the decision on America's got talent! *whispers* I really don't give a damn & know nothing about it. Just trying to fit in.

"Did you see that?" " Check the ref's back account!" " - Me giving my sister things to say while we watch sports, so she's NOT thrown out.

To everyone that said that I would NOT be rich and successful...would you mind picking a few lottery numbers for me? You seem to be on a winning streak right now...

Is anyone else tired of the "My God could make your God tap out in the first round" arguments yet? It would surely solve tons of problems.

I would like to know where the record is. I've got plenty to say...

Remember when racist politicians and news anchors tried to hide it? Ah, those were the days. And I mean days. Just days.

I just found out that I'm going to be a fath...huh? Nevermind, the crowd was so loud that I didn't hear Maury say "Not!" *does flip yells*

Spending all day with the family makes me wish spontaneous combustion was really a thing.

Just once I'd like someone to use the phrase "bodes well" when referring to something GOOD happening. Mix it up people!

If I become famous and start dating Kim Kardashian...I will endure your ridicule...anything to have regular access to that all of that ass.

So...YOUR Podiatrist DOESN'T suck YOUR toes? Your health plan sucks.

The blindfold of greed keeps our politicians and less aware citizens from seeing that "center left" or "center right" works best. Morons.

My new show hit a snag. Half of the audience laughs, half cries, half wants to sleep with me and have my baby and half wants to tutor me...

Gotta go to the store, please let the hot coffee lady be there...please....did I mention that she's hot?

Hot coffee lady WAS there...and so was her HUSBAND. Who I just met. Who I now like a lot. Thanks for f*cking up my fantasies bro!

If you had a dinner party with TEN people, but THREE were acting like asses, you'd throw them out, right. Politicians, think about that.

I would like to start a movement to make it illegal for people to STOP YOUR DRYER and ask the moronic question "Who's clothes are these?"

I just dropped a friend off at work, he's in HR. I worked in HR 15 years ago. No H's came in and the ones that did damn sure had no R's.

I am the oldest child, so I have the right to use my sisters minivan to troll for hookers, right?...Tell her!!!

DON'T go on a cruise unless it's with someone you LOVE hanging out with or someone who's sleeping with you A LOT! You have been warned!

Validation Junkie?

I was never a validation junkie. Well, not as a mature adult anyway. It might seem strange to hear that from someone who has been telling strangers funny stories in dark smoke filled rooms for as long as I have, but it’s true. An online friend asked me why it doesn’t bother me too much when I post something that I think is really good and get a small response. My answer is simple. First, I only worry about things that I can control. Other people’s actions do not fall into that category. Second, I would only feel sadness if I thought that I was only capable of that one good piece of writing. I think that I can always come up with more good stuff.

The reason that I’m here and on my blog(s) is simple. I like to express my ideas. Everyone needs to have a place to vent, celebrate or quite simply…just say stupid outrageous shit. This is not therapy. You will not meet everyone that reads what you write and if you did, they will not all give a shit about you. It is not that serious. I believe the human need to express yourself supersedes worrying about the response. Do I want people to enjoy what I write? Yes. If they don’t or if no other person sees it, will I stop? Fuck no.

I'm standing outside of Lady Gaga's house in a potato suit with a bottle of A-1 sauce... I'm trying to get some booty and free publicity!

Oh, crap. I think that I'm the family mascot.

If I ever get invited to the comedy awards, I'm wearing milk. I see YOUR food group Gaga....and I raise the stakes!

I love celebs on twitter. You can tell whether the celeb is an idiot or not BY THEIR TWEETS...then again maybe their PR people are idiots.

It's LESS believable that you ACCIDENTLY touched your hot neighbors ass when you tape your hand in a bag and say "Saving THIS for later!"

Original Idea/art + exposure to d-bags = idea ran into the ground. Helloooo reality TV, most music on the radio, (insert yours here)!

*takes red pill* What!?! It's ALL bullshit!?! Screw this, sleepy time for me! *graps syrup of ipecac, throws up* Hey, Jersey Shore is on!

Worlds first octillionaire = inventor of something that helps women lactate ANY beverage or a guy's genitals vibrate/change size AT WILL.

Have you ever looked at your dating criteria, realized how reasonable it is...then have it hit you what a bunch of losers you were dating?

Let's all agree to stop buying non-essential products until TV stations stop turning the volume of their commercials up to 50!

Regarding my last post....nah. I just realized that technically condoms aren't essential because allegedly we CAN live without sex.

Something that I learned from Carlin...

George Carlin, one of the greatest comedians and minds of our time said something that stays with me to this day. In an interview, he was discussing his change from a “mainstream” comic to the person we all came to love and respect later. He said to his wife “If I just fill coffee houses doing the stuff that I love…I’m okay with that…”

That’s how I feel now, about virtually every part of my life. Would I love the masses to come? Sure. (Here, I drop in a dirty joke to temporarily lighten the mood… If they’re hot and come back to my hotel room…trust me they’ll “come”) (And now we conclude our post in the original tone)…But not at the expense of my art. I will NEVER do that. I’m easy to live with for others, but if I ever lost who I was artistically or otherwise to the whims of others…I couldn’t live with myself.

Do they have prescription strength coffee? If so....

Could they please change the name to "Womanwich" I'd have more fun eating it then.

They say soda has as much caffeine as coffee, but when you dunk a doughnut...not good. But it doesn't burn a woman's butt when applied so...

It cracks me up when people fight with each other on YOUR Facebook page. It's like a bad thanksgiving dinner!

Newt Gingrich's nickname WOULD have been "Jackass" but jackasses filed an injunction fearing damage to their trademark via any association.

They say that D.C. is "Hollywood for Ugly people" but the real difference...at least the people in Hollywood ACT like you mean shit to them.

Singing it badly at 100 decibels really helps your enjoyment of a song? I like pushing idiots into oncoming traffic. HOORAY FOR US!!!

If your woman sees the top of your head for 60-90 non stop minutes nightly...she'll pimp slap her sister for you. Hmm, that's kinda hot...

What is this obsession guys have with pilling women's hair during pounding sex? C'mon, that's what the OTHER submissive is for! Wait, what?

Any person that votes for any of that congressional and senatorial bad cholesterol (You know who they are) should be ashamed of themselves.

Rush Limbaugh - radio talent = Newt Gingrich.

I thought (D)'s were bigger punks than (R)'s but at least

(D)'s have a PARTY to fight. (R)'s are now punked by a

SMALL group in THEIR party.

This 19yr old needs to stop the over the top flirting before I

do things to her to make her wish that she'd carbo-loaded

and pre-hydrated.

Just because the president USUALLY loses seats

doesn't mean that he/she has to. Especially if the

alternative includes racists and idiots.

Faith Hill singing the Sunday Football opening is

cool...what is NOT cool is having a titanium hard

(Edit) at the start of a football game.

If I agree to pay for my bags, will Southwest

promise to stop pounding that commercial?

J.Krishnamurti - Be A Light to Yourself