Merry Christmas

When I follow my instincts, they're usually right. When my instincts follow me, they tell me I have a nice ass.

See?

They're right AGAIN!

Remember the “Big Bang Theory” episode where Amy Farrah Fowler dressed up in the Star Trek outfit?

I do.

Sheldon…dude…bro…dude…

So, you thought "Can I put some juice in your caboose?" was a good pickup line huh?
So...how many stitches did the ER Doctor give you?

Dear "The World", Trump is trolling you.

You're welcome.

Just spilled coffee in my lap... by accident. Yeah... "accident".

Sometimes boobs are salty... that's why I like to rub pretzels on them.

I used to hate always being on the outside looking in, then I realized... who the fuck wants to be INside? 

The party is OUTside! 

Yup.

"Okay people, I admit it now...he's a little nuts."

- Rodman finally starts to get it about Kim Jong Un

Public restrooms....

People, why?

How long can you sniff your date's armpits while repeatedly saying "Yum" before it gets WEIRD?

"Grandpa...did they really have a thing called "Fox News" or did my history teacher make it up?"
- Hopefully our grandkids

Expect people to give a shit?
Nope, you'll just get shit.

Waiting for the "Right side of history" to whip racist politician's asses is the new "Wait until my big brother gets here, he'll fix you!"

99% of the people that meet me, love me. The other 1% are assholes...

...dead...assholes.

*dramatic music, the sound of a hole being dug*

The black guy in my mirror keeps biting my rhymes...
Oh.

I wish I was famous so my opinion mattered...

Kim K's ass cheeks individually drunk text me.  

I put ass on my strawberries and whipped cream.  

The illuminati just called and said that they want to join ME.

If your lady's navel smells good. Marry her.

A guy just said his washer "Can take many many big loads"... and me and my buddy laughed. 

We're both on twitter.

That guy didn't get it.

I love ME. You can get in on this shit too if you want to.

But...you are not necessary. Wanted... but not necessary.

RIP Nelson Mandela

1918-2013

If sniffing a hot woman's armpits while she reaches over your head in the market is wrong, I don't want to be right.

I call them traffic "jellies" because I like being assaulted by angry people.

Hating people is ALL bad. Especially THAT guy. Yeah, THAT guy...

(Any Race) supremacist. No.
That is all.

Walk up to a stranger and say "Are you going to act like you didn't see THAT?"... then walk away in disgust.

Fun!

Oh no! Don't break up with me now that I hate you and wish you were somehow transported to the furthest reaches of an alternate universe!

Twerking ISN'T for EVERYBODY. For instance, did you read today?

Then twerking isn't for you.

I'd do a reality show where drug dealers give actual bags of dimes to people who ask for a "Dime bag"

It's called "Dealers getting shot"

My cousin's cat doesn't do anything cute, so I'm going to put my camera down and let it finish changing the oil in my car.

Too many things can easily be hidden in apple butter, that's why I don't eat it anymore...

String theory is really about thong flavor.

Yeah girl, watch me lick this stamp...oh, calling a friend to tell them about me huh? *5 minutes pass* What's the problem officer?

Drug dealers should just pretend to be giving out free flu shots.

It's NOT spermicide, it's spermi-murder!

Spermi-murderers!!!!!

I took a selfie of myself taking a selfie of myself taking a selfie....

...and that's the REAL cause of global warming

Watching a beautiful woman brush her hair is wonderful.

Getting dressed and down from the tree before the cops get there...priceless.

No, I ordered a pizza, not a religious pamphlet and boring conversation. I think you want my neighbor. No...that one. I don't like him.

Hate the President because he's black? Ask yourself why skin color causes you to hate. Figure that out and 80% of your problems will go away.

My cat got 5,000 likes on Facebook by posting a picture of me with my head through a slice of bread.

Lynching-->Police Brutality
Colored only--->No school books
Dogs & Fire hoses--->Stop & Frisk
Birth of a Nation--->Fox News

#progress?

Grilled cheese sandwiches with bacon on a croissant should be eaten in the ER.

Why spend extra money on the ambulance ride?

#savemoney

I just had a DNA test on the Trisha Goddard show and found out that I'm 50% man, *50% AMAZING!

*Just kidding, I'm 100% AMAZING!

Wednesday! Yeah! Thrust day! Huh? HUMP day? What? Well, when is THRUST day? There isn't one? Screw that! I'm changing it to "Thrust" day!

Today is the first day of the rest of your life... and so is tomorrow... and the next day....wait, why do we say that crap?

The next person George Zimmerman kills will be on your head racists on radio...and cable news.

Your...fucking ...head.

My sleep number bed touched me inappropriately.
(I now have one in EVERY room.)

I love eating Domino's pizza outside of Papa John's pizza wearing a fuck you tee-shirt.

It would be so easy to date a political wife.

"I've never taken taken drugs or shown my junk online....so...pick you up at 8?"

"FREE WIFI FOR ALL!!!!!" - The FIRST President to ever win 99% of the popular vote

THANKS!

Thanks very much to everyone for the kind words and for your support for my new podcast. I really appreciate it!
 :)

Yes Facebook, I see the right side of my screen and I know by the ads you're aware of my searches. Is there any way you can turn off this feature?  I don't want the person sitting beside me at the coffee shop to see ads for huge ebony booties, asian women with huge boobs and pumpkin spiced coffee.

I'm really ashamed of the pumpkin coffee....

*hangs head in shame*

The more you take jokes on the internet literally and seriously...the closer to being a moron you become...

Did you know Old MacDonald was a bad speller and a racist?
"That guy is a N-I-G-G-E-R...E-I-E-I-O..."

Duct taping pom poms onto your butt is NOT a turn on to cheerleaders...apparently...

Women think just because they smell great, are delicious & being inside them is the best thing in the world that they can...

Oh, they CAN.

Friends with "benefits"....you mean friends "up in I gits"...right? Huh? That was great, right?
*walks away embarrassed*

*sigh*
Being super cute, incredible in the sack, super talented and just plain awesome is not as much *fun as it used to be....
*loljk

Bonus feature:
I will listen to your long ass stories about your boring girlfriends and actually seem *interested.
(*I am not interested)

Spankings for *EVERYBODY!!!!!
*cute women

YOUR religion does not have ALL of the answers. NONE does. Why? Some questions are unanswerable....and that's okay.

Hey, other black guys, lets rush to NYC to get our last racist "Stop and Frisks" before the new Mayor takes over. They're collectors items.

Word of mouth is only effective if the mouth isn't attached to a moron.

Lead singers of rock bands...it's not the 80's anymore. No high kicking from you, okay?

Thanks.

"White Mayors on crack have more fun."

-Marion Barry

*gets cab in New York, immediately holds press conference to describe the experience on BET*

Richie Incognito and the story of me getting bullied

I talk about the surprise I felt when I heard people’s reactions on sports radio to Richie Incognito bullying his teammate Jonathan Martin and how I can relate to the situation…because I was also bullied. (NSFW)

Running Time 13min07sec

Click HERE

Making love with the woman of your dreams is AWESOME. I've made love to the woman of YOUR dreams so I know. Oh, she doesn't like you at all.

Replace the "Affordable Care Act" with the "Medicare for ALL Act"...and then that lame ass website could be used for porn or something...

"Quality over quantity" and "Garbage in garbage out" also apply to people. 

It's true.

Trust me...

I don't need cialis, but I'm going to take some...with a tall glass of nitrate juice.
#realman

I will not use any wealth I attain in my dream future to attract a trophy wife. I just want someone to take out the trash. I hate that shit.

The History Channel is going to remake "Roots" screwing up plans for "Tyler Perry's Madea on a Slave Ship"

No! YOUR name is TOBY!

Just saying...

"Blacklights, shut up please."

- NOT Me

Thanks everybody!

I appreciate you listening to my podcast. Thank you! Much love to you all!

And yes....THERE WILL BE MANY MORE! Muahahaha!  :)

THIS. Always...

October 27th is my birthday. I can’t think of a better time….

For a new beginning…

Okay, it's up and running now. CHECK IT OUT! 

http://santhonysays.podbean.com/

"Safe word? That was an option?"
- The last few words before the ambulance and police arrive

If I'm there when you come out of the shower, I am going to sniff you. I'm just telling you so it won't get weird...okay....weirdER.

Serena Williams.

Sloane Stephens.

I hope this tennis match lasts for a year... then I hope they both come to my house and marry me.

I save my armpit hair. Why dye it when you can just reuse your own?

See? I'm always thinking.

Lapdancers pay to sit in my lap.

I used to practice KISSING on my hand. Now...my hand goes ALL THE WAY! 

Yeah... she brings her twin sister too. Aw yeah...

Fake boobs and fake buttcheeks taste like the real thing so I'm okay with them.

Okay ladies, we counter your "Twerking" with our "Click clacking"
Yeah. It's on.

I'm trying to get "Hot Woman Armpit sniffing" into the Olympics.

Yeah, nothing is going to happen to you. Just keep walking around this bad neighborhood with that ipad in your hands...

Don't call your testicles "Baby baskets" on a first date.

If you DON'T dip your chocolate chip cookies in milk....I can't trust you. You're like the dealer that won't smoke weed...NARC!!!!!!!

Until you get out of the barrel, you don't realize that you used to be a crab. Speaking of crabs, did your sister get hers taken care of?

I defeat my enemies when I make them friends - The Dalai Lama
Crush the bastards! They shouldn't have screwed with me! - The S. Anthony

I'm not afraid of the "Friend zone". I usually get to date the friends of the friend...so....friend zone away. YOUR friends will thank YOU.

Google now just told me "Not now!". It changed it's mind when I started to hold it close to the "Old cellphone box".

I run THIS!

Women taste better when they're happy.

Women like to be licked awake...but not on the bus...or if they don't know you...or if they're riding home from Krav Maga class....

Dear guys STILL selling bootleg DVD's at the barber shop....you don't have a computer at home...do you?

If a person wraps their couch in plastic, pee on it.

I wait until a fly gets caught in a glue trap...then I trash talk it until it dies...
DON'T...FUCK...WITH...ME!

Obama...blamed for Katrina....no, not delusional or racist at all. Nope. C'mon, people, melanin isn't scary...c'mon, touch it. See?

"Ben Affleck as Batman? Bwahahahahahahahahaha!"
- Spider-man

You STILL watch DVD's? What are you 100?
- Teen about to get beaten up by an adult

Yeah, dude you DO look cooler pushing the baby stroller by one handle only. Hey, why don't you put on sunglasses too? Yeah...cool.

Ladies, you're not the only ones that like booty rubs.

I'm pissed off at the people that make bullet proof stuff necessary.

It doesn't matter how many "Friends" you have, what matters is that at least two of them aren't pieces of shit.

Cable news makes the WWE look like a emmy winning movie of the week.

When a cute woman says "Kiss my ass", I take it literally"...then, they come to me and say it daily, without prompting.

Dear thieves, I hope someone steals your teeth...

Now: Cute

9 months from now:

(After my new workout program) : Yummy

Tyler Perry directed my last relationship I think...

See those "Endless pools" where you swim in the same place, I've had whole relationships like that...including the big hole in the floor.

*slips envelope full of catnip to local cat and points to pigeon that crapped on his car, cat takes envelope and nods menacingly*

We hear you unreasonable lady at the counter trying to start an argument about nothing...we hear you....

In my past life I looked into the future and saw me being cooler than you in THIS life too.

I would pimp slap people but pimps want to be paid for using their slap...and if you don't pay they pimp slap you...

Weird huh?

I don't like Capri Suns because they make you look like a giant vampire drinking from a body bag.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, teach a man and he'll think, "Does this motherf*cker know there is a supermarket right there?"

I drew a bath and now I have an ass covered in paper cuts. Just kidding, the paper cuts were already there. The ink marks are new...

Passionate lovemaking burns hundreds of calories, boning your neighbor's sister burns your car and almost your house. 

Great, NOW I have to add sound to my fake laughs when my grandpa tells lame ass jokes! Thanks Miracle Ear!

"I don't do Windows."

- Everybody in my family that owns a computer

Your kid's ass stinks, no need to smell it. Also, she's 24.

Imagining people's cars exploding in front of you does make traffic jams go by quicker....I'm told...

Monday just touched my ass. I liked it. I'm going to ask for it's phone number...

Grandma's era: Lynchings
Mom's era: Civil rights movement
My era: Barack Obama President
My future kids era: ???

Dear racists, fuck you.

"Marco?"
"Polo!"
"Amerigo?"
"Vespucci!"

*other kids show up*

"Those two are a couple of a-holes!"

When you say, "She's out of your league", you mean she's out of YOURS.
I own my own league fool!
(FYI, I'm already dating HER tee hee)

"FYI, when a criminal smiles in a movie, he's going to go back on the arms deal and shoot you."
- S. Anthony advises movie characters

Dear people still scared at horror movies...
Really? I bet the microwave bell makes you crap your pants too.

Dear NSA, I don't appreciate you cutting into my phone call to ask me if I'm "Hitting it"...I mean if you were so good you'd know that I am!

Guys in movies must really love their wives. I mean, going against the mob? The divorce rate is still over 50%, right? Hmmm?

Anyone who doesn't think that quitting is an option, doesn't know how great it feels to abruptly stop doing something hard or not fun.

I'd like to apologize to my British friend for laughing...but it's just funny hearing a proper British accent curse out a guy in traffic.

Dear every baby ever....what did table tops do to you? Hey, let's stop the violence...okay?

As I watch these UFC fights, I think of all of the boring ass conversations this week that I wish I could have "Tapped out" of...

Citizens should be able to filibuster congressional vacations.

There are people right now wearing fake hair that don't know some of it is ball hair.

I decide on which music to buy by looking at wacky outfits on awards shows. So yeah, they need to do that.

I had to click on "Do you want to delete this account?" on my last relationship...I didn't want my "Computer" to catch a virus...

I don't do drugs or drink. What I'm addicted to is hearing hot women screaming "Oh yeah, just like that big man!

Then my neighbors moved.

Dear women who have let me in them...YOU ARE AWESOME. Dear women who haven't...you COULD BE awesome too!

Fred Sanford was a piece of shit father. But who cares, that shit is funny!

Whenever more than 3 relatives are at my house, I sing the closing theme from Good Times when they leave.

Someone...anyone, please create salads that taste like chocolate chip cookies and cheeseburgers. C'mon Monsanto, you want GOOD press, right?

To the people who are mad that Blair Underwood is the new Ironside...
You're going to hate my new single with Taylor Swift "Deep Chocolate"

There's a time in a man's life when he must sit back and reflect on the women he could have gotten it on with if he didn't say dumb crap...

Dear people who hold up racist signs... it's not working.

When you fly below the radar, it's best not to scream "Down here ya bastards!"

Future Presidents will be brown, black, female etc. So, jackasses who spread hate, I say from everyone else, bye bye AND fuck you.

There's no REAL difference between loaning money to a friend that always pays you back a little late and a savings account...except, the bank gives you no interest....and you have no interest in hearing your friend's bullcrap excuse for being late.

I just told Oprah that she couldn't afford me.

She totally could though.

Uh, Oprah...I'm for sale....

You wish people would leave you alone? Your wish blows.
Dig THIS, I wish I was celebrating my billions with my pregnant wife Kelly Rowland

If Schrödinger's cat talked to S. Anthony's cousin's cat, it would bite you before you could get it into the box.

Thought experiment over.

Just watched half an episode of According to Jim and...
STOP MOCKING ME! I said HALF! Hey, the sisters are hot! DON'T JUDGE ME!

Those roaches are dropping like flies!

"Whoa, don't lump us in with those losers! They don't have HALF of OUR talent! We FLY!"

- Flies

People get suspicious if after your pants split, you say "Finally!" and point to your man stuff smiling. I'm told...by OTHER people...

Sometimes, as a man, I just want to be held. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Sorry, I tried.

"Ironic huh?"

- Cannibal eating a vegan

If women's boobs, buttcheeks, armpits and legs had calories, I'd be 700 pounds. Not to mention the other stuff... tee hee. I'm naughty.

"You can pay $5 or $10 for.."
*guy pulls gun*
"How about free?"
"I'm just making a point about cell service"
"I'm making one about crime"

Paper covers rock.
Rock smashes scissors.
Scissors cuts paper.

I slap the shit out of adults that use this game to make decisions.

I wish there was something like windshield wipers for people. Sometimes I want to push a button and just sweep people away from me.

Breaking! Conservatives boycott Ebony magazine.

"Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"
 - Ebony Magazine

Powerball winner comes forward.

If I won, people wouldn't know a thing about it. I'd deny deny deny.

"No, I just found this golden car..."

Apple butter was invented by the devil. Yo, I was kidding. Jeez, my Amish friends are so freaking sensitive.

"Wow, what a bigoted, xenophobic asshole!"
-Archie Bunker hears Rush Limbaugh for the first time

Dear women who still get it on with you when they're mad at you....

...you...are...AWESOME!

Dear makeup commercials, stop making women look like fucking robots.

Thanks,

Dudes.

Okay, let's do a drinking game! Every time a TV show that blows comes on...drink!

*3hrs go by*

So, it seems that everyone here is dead

Pee in the pool? No.
Pee on people who are about to get into the pool? Yes.

Waterpiks® will mess up your afro. Don't let the name fool you.

Please end your long boring story BEFORE earth's sun burns out.

"Price check on Viagra!" 
- Teller

*grabs mic from teller*

"That's right, I'm STILL getting some action people!"
- Me when I get old 

I don't approve of seeking the approval of people that don't approve of you.

I have figured out how to shoot spray cheese into my mouth in the supermarket, still look heterosexual and avoid arrest. I am a Genius!

I did not fake my landing on your sister's moon.

Personal responsibility people! Personal responsibility! There has got to be a way to avoid that shit!

I'm selling armpit stains to people who want to fake working out.

Once you go black, you never go back... until the older relatives croak, then it's cool.

Dear politicians, I could never be one of you. Why? I'm honest and I bang women instead of sending pictures of my junk to them. That's why.

Dear idiots, jokes aren't to be taken LITERALLY. Racists, you DON'T have to comment on people's posts. Go home & yell epithets at the mirror

If you need two friends to help you whip ass...you need YOUR punk ass whipped.

Just saw a blind guy ALMOST pee on another guy's ass at a urinal. Almost. If it had happened...

That would have made my life.

Now that Bezos has purchased the Washington Post, it takes 7 hours to log into my Amazon account. So many fucking questions!

I don't care what Russell Brand said, I would have nothing bad to say about having sex with Katy Perry.

Just putting that out there Katy. I would say good things. Good things...

The world is a dark place, people only care about themselves & love is just a chemical process.

Goodnight kids, there's school tomorrow.

DON'T expect anything from anyone.

There, I just made your life easier and better.

You're welcome...

Kiss the cook... between the butt cheeks

- Original and low selling early version of the popular barbeque apron slogan

I just switched THEN baited.

It doesn't work THAT way...

I read your life story to a cow because I was told cows taste better if they are bored to death.

Cut off MY ear to impress a woman? No. I did however make a wonderful desk gnome out of ear wax for a lady.

...yeah, got the drawers.

She was on the phone laughing with friends...you came home with lipstick on your cheek...she saw it...

...climate change.

*sees kid in baby stroller*

"Damn, you need to screw better looking people! Look at that ugly little..."

*wakes up in ER*

The NSA just broke into my phone call and screamed ."Get to the point already!" To be fair, that guy was rambling a bit

Stop airbrushing women's bodies. We know what they really look like and we like that. We have sex with them you know...

I could never be as big a loser and d-bag as the husbands on any sitcom.

*5 years and a wife later*

These TV husbands aren't that bad...

I just realized that 99.5% of my tweets could get my door knocked down by the NSA. Not because they're evil, they just want to meet a genius

"If you ponder the meaning of life, an unanswerable question, you waste time better spent getting rich, laid and even."

- S. Anthony Thomas

The 13th step is smoking weed rolled up in a nicotine patch.

No matter how angry I get, I NEVER use racial slurs. I will however say disgusting things about your tramp mother and punk ass dad.

Wait until Snowden realizes that Putin is going to want him to be his personal "take pictures of me with my shirt off" photographer.

The people that design laptop speakers must have some super sensitive ears.

Ladies, random "junk" grabs = guy who's always in a good mood.

You can practice on me.

Please...

Seriously...

If you love someone, set them free & replace them with someone you love more. If they come back, convince them to join in. If they do, YAY!!

Dear mirrors that make people look bad, enjoy this rapidly advancing hammer..

Stop saying “The N word came out so easily" He speaks english. Of course it came out easy. No one goes “Nig. Nig. Let me try again, this is hard you guys!"

Dear life, don't think that I'm not eventually going to get that carrot you're hanging in front of me!

Ow!

When did you get that stick!?!

It's National Orgasm Day or as women I sleep with call it, "The first day of Orgasm Year!"

*High five to the throat*

Note to self, don't light the grill INDOORS and try to CARRY it outside. Get younger relatives to do it.

Posts joke on Facebook.
Everybody likes it and adds "rotflmao" etc.
Two dopes start fight about politics

WHY!?! The joke was about CARS!!!

An identity thief accidentally took my morality. Don't worry, my new morality is in the mail...but right now I'm in your sister.

Don't talk to me when I'm at the ATM. I don't care about that gun you're holding, rude is rude. Just for that, I'm not letting you rob me!

If a person was sexually attracted to cat photos, Facebook would be awesome for them!

Butter has the word "Butt" in it. Has anyone thought about making jokes about that?

Dear voters, when people in power take away a group's right to vote, it shows who they are. Don't ignore the canary in the coal mine...

Dear Facebook, create a "Friends with benefits" request. Also, an "I was just kidding don't mace me" request.

EVERYONE has a price....I mean VALUE! VALUE! 

Sorry...

"You can be ANYTHING you want to be, if you believe!"

*seconds later*

"Let's keep it real, that guy is NEVER going to make it."

I try to be fair and nice to everyone, even the dweebs, losers, suckers, chumps and dumb ass people.

Keyser Söze was framed.

Dear "The sexes", less "Battling" and more "Boning".

Problem solved.

You're welcome.

Anthony Weiner used a stunt penis.

People on the stock trading floor that shower and hold in their farts...don't really want to win!

I'd NEVER pay for a hooker. I mean, by the time they get dressed, I'm the hell outta there. C'mon, as tough as pimps are, they cannot run!

What's wrong with me? Somehow, I don't seem to be able to be scared by cable news shows. Oh, I fact check...

Apparently, people with different political beliefs need to call each other names and not listen to valid points from the other side. YAY internet!

Sunday's WITHOUT football should be left in the attic with Christmas gifts from relatives you don't like and see rarely.

"Hey girl, I want to slide something big & brown, up in where you sit down!" sounds cool in your head, but will get you punched in the face.

ASSets. Tee hee. ASS...ets. ASS.

Grandma's friend was been better at riding grandpa's knee than us, she'd ride 20 minutes and his pants would come off trying to buck her...

It's all fun and games until you get caught getting it on in the backseat of your car by a church group. They paid well for the show though.

Ladies first... if men last.

I don't appreciate you NSA guys writing "BORING" all over my email and text screens!

If you scroll down to the bottom of the screen on most dating sites, there's a "Bang immediately" check box. You didn't know that did you?

I'm all for personal responsibility. And personally I blame that bastard over there for all of my problems.

No Kim K sextape? Screw you Netflix!

In my sales training, we were supposed to overcome 5 objections from a potential customer. In the dating world the 5th objection is a gun.

Women love me. No, that's not a statement....it's a request!

WOMEN....LOVE ME!!!!!!

I'm going to do controversial topics on YouTube for views:
"Baby seals, club them it's good for their health!"
"Kids, why feed them DAILY?"

I have to admit, Anthony Weiner has the balls of a younger man judging by these photos he's handing out at the corner.

When you see your teen relatives having relationship problems over stupid crap, should you leave the room BEFORE you point and laugh? Well?

Keep your friends close, and if they let you bang them, become friends with benefits. Don't worry about enemies, you can bang them later.

Okay, what's going on? I walked by a TV with Fox News on it and the anchor said "Shhh, one just walked into the room!" 

I heard that FOX!

Twerking is sexy because It's how a woman's ass moves when she's on top and we're up in them. (Doesn't mean everyone should see it though)

I can't seem to convince women that I'm Hugh Jackman. Lying just isn't for me I guess...

The cats fighting in my yard don't know it's a fake bird they're fighting for, they also don't know I got a new hose today.

Do you think those guys yelling at people about the end of the world on the bullhorn in the subway know about podcasting?

Skype sex isn't as good as phone sex because I can see you. I might as well just watch porno then because with THAT it ends when I do.

I try to pick up women in a Harry Potter costume because pity sex RULES!!!!!

Men. Women. We don't HAVE TO get mad at and fight with each other. There is ANOTHER choice. It's called....SCREWING! Yup. It's more fun.

Can't we just make it illegal for news people to lie and just clean out all of the garbage at once?

Guys, wouldn't you like your lady to pull YOU to HER by the ass, pick YOU up, carry YOU upstairs and give YOU a pounding? Uh...

Me neither.

I cared what people thought of me once...on Thursday...5 years ago. Didn't like it. Stopped. Why? Because kiss my butt that's why.

I'm not saying I'm a tough guy, but if I was in prison with Wolverine, he'd be my personal back scratcher and Shish-Kabob holder.

Whoa! Congress DOESN'T care about black people?

*writes that down*

...I've got some phone calls to make...

Only try to sneak a sniff of a woman's perfume on an elevator if you have a maced, kicked in the balls and being violently arrested fetish.

"Yo! I don't just "Spit", I "Vomit" son!"

- Dude trying to sound like he knows something about hip-hop

"I don't mind getting stuck in traffic."

- Guy who knows that his wife found out what he did last weekend

"Calm down boy, if it wasn’t for that you wouldn’t exist. Well not THAT, we just start with THAT, what comes next is what I mean"

- Kid catching parents in bed

Every time I do something nice and a hot woman sees, I say "Yeah, I do this for the kids". It has gotten me laid 0 times, but I can't stop.

Listen out for the door? No. If I wanted to talk to you, I'd call you. If I wanted you in my house you'd be in it....so...no.

I'm not going to spend money on a tattoo. I'm just going to drink this glass of hepatitis. It's cheaper.

"Joke's on YOU Singapore, I'm into caning!"

- Nobody

On a DAILY basis, I do things that would ruin my political career...Bwahahaha!

I'm just kidding. I mean HOURLY.

If you're the next guy that dates Weiner's hot wife, all you have to do is NOT send pics of your penis to 20yr olds and you're an upgrade.

If someone told me that Nicki Minaj's butt cheeks tasted like milk chocolate, I'd believe them.

If you lick your lips when looking at a lady's butt, it's only a compliment:

- If she doesn't see you
- In your mind
- If you're me

Yup.

Dear women who ALWAYS keep their armpits smooth...thanks.

"Quittin’ on yourself is worse than shittin’ on yourself!"

 - S. Anthony Thomas

(That IS motivational! You just don’t know good stuff!)

Molotov cocktails are actually quite tasty. Why do people throw them? Seems like a big waste to me...

No pictures are "Safe for work"...

Passive aggressive people, the "sound disappointed and try to manipulate people" thing doesn't work on me. I've mastered not giving a shit.

Dear criminals, forget banks and start robbing those payday loan places. What jury would convict you?

Ladies, those deodorant chips that you have in your armpits sometimes...stop that please. That stuff tastes funny.

Cats can chill anywhere. Maybe women should start calling dudes "cats".

Women, there is no "inappropriate time" to lick you. Your mom is just jealous.

You don't have to put up with an idiot just because they are related to you.

Anyone calling your home more than 3 times for stupid crap should be taken to Singapore and made to spit on the ground in front of a cop.

*lady gives dog chocolate*
"Whoa, THAT'S BAD for them"
"It's ok, I give him some all the time"
(the next week)
"Where's the dog?"
"Shut up"

Gay people aren't scary. Feel better now dumbasses?

I'm putting "Let him do butt stuff" in my prenup. Yup. "Butt stuff".
Ladies?

"I think the boy is still alive. It's a false flag by the Obama administration!"
- Alex Jones watches the Zimmerman trial
#fakequote

"Why in a bucket? Was a teenage girl in there?"
- R. Kelly hears about Bieber peeing into a bucket

I am now announcing my candidacy for President of coolsville.
Feel free to congratulate me AND leave promises that you'll vote for me.

Spankings as a kid: 0
Spankings as an adult: 500
Yup, adulthood is better.

I must admit...that four hour special on Fox News about Trayvon Martin's "eerily sharp" hangnail was riveting.

"Stuffed with socks? Nope, ALL ME!"

- Dude proud of his man boobs

I start working out again, and now the USA is no longer the fattest country.

You're welcome America!

I'm a lover, not a fighter...until I FINISH LOVING, then I'll climb off of her, get dressed, come to your house and whip your ass.

I'm a treat-everyone-with-love-and-respect-ist. You can keep all the other stuff.

Imagine if the "Big Brother" cameras were on 24/7 over at Fox News. Now THAT would be a show! Not a surprising one, but a show!

I'm not a carpet muncher, but I munch the hell out of a waxed floor. The back porch isn't safe either...

Just saying...

Lower ab crunches were invented by Satan.

Just saw a teen light a fart in the parking lot of the supermarket. Never saw that in person before. Something tells me this kid is involved in alcohol smoking too.

Just a hunch.

Can we all agree that everyone should pull over so I'm not inconvenienced on the road?

S. Anthony says...

Hey honey, if you didn't want your armpits licked, why did you fall asleep with your hands over your head....knowing that I own handcuffs?

"Why are you all laughing!?!"
- The nutritionist 3 seconds after saying "I'm going to now show you how delicious nuts can be"

Mr. Thomas speaks

When you lose a friend on Facebook...

uh, I've got nothing. I really don't give a shit when that happens to be honest.

I'm self employed. I do think that I unintentionally sexually harassed myself when I tried to pull out my wallet at the drive thru...

To hell with bathing the sponge, bathe ME!!!!

Oh, I see that by misinterpreting your offer I've spoiled the mood....

I'm starting to think that I'll never get married. Oh well, I guess I'll have to settle for actually having regular sex.

You know that moment after lovemaking when you're holding each other nude? Beautiful. Trust me. I filmed you two. Nice. HD does you justice.

Yup.

"Stop putting coconut shavings and peanuts on everything without asking first!"

- Me in my mind at a desert stand and also at a whorehouse

I hate when a hot woman accidentally touches your balls and says "No hetero."

Mean!

"Stop putting coconut shavings and peanuts on everything without asking first!"

- Me in my mind at a dessert stand and also at a whorehouse

Just because these evil political freaks agree with you now doesn't mean they always will. Soon, YOU'LL be the victim of these power plays.

People who get pissed when a player leaves your team...you do realize that they don't know or owe YOU anything, right? It's a job to them.

Ya dig?

Imagine the problems that wouldn't exist if we'd stop fighting over stupid crap and vote in politicians that aren't pieces of shit.

If you block a person's driveway to talk to someone and won't move, you should be caned in singapore, then thrown from a moving car, right?

Make weed legal NOW!

I don't smoke it, but I do want my friends to have to attempt to converse on another topic for a change.

I'm just saying...

"Bwahahahahahahahahaha! So?"
- My recommendation for a response to someone saying they don't approve of you being yourself

I just got thrown off a plane for being "Too sexy"

*reads paper again*

Oh, it doesn't say "Too sexy" it says "Disgusting pervert" Sorry.

The local angry, scary, always escaping, neighborhood pit bull LOVES ME....so, I'm good. Also, there are several vacancies here...

Banging is as addictive as drugs. Whoops, correction, banging ME is as addictive as drugs. Ladies?

So, mice can get out of a maze, but still haven't mastered the whole "Don't run in front of cats" thing?  Okay...

THAT WAS A DUDE IN THE CRYING GAME!?! Now the movie makes sense....

My dream?

To be the super pissed off black person on a reality show.

I'm tired...OF DOING IT FOR FREE!!!

You got a problem with that!?!

Two worlds, Two lessons…

It’s an amazing thing getting to see the world through another person’s eyes. On many occasions it’s getting to see things anew through the eyes of a child. When viewing the world through their eyes, amazing vistas open. A long forgotten joy in small things returns. You can look at a big box on the floor and it becomes….A MAGIC CASTLE! Your rug is now …THE OCEAN!  You are now…a PIRATE! Or an OLYMPIC SWIMMER! Yes, sometimes borrowing or visiting these magic lands is the gift that a child can give to you. A vacation from the real world. It’s beautiful.

Yesterday, I was driving an older relative around my home town. As this happened, I thought of many moments from my youth and the fun that I had. These places had different memories for my relative. He’s a happy man, but HIS memories of these same neighborhoods was a bit different. I would recall running after a pretty girl, he would remember running for his life because at the time of HIS youth…he wasn’t allowed here. I remember going to the store and becoming friends with the shopkeepers… he remembered going the long trip home hungry because “We don’t serve you people here!”. As he would tell the stories, there would be a little pain on his face, but the smile would return when he would leave the past and think about where he is and where we are now.

It’s a wonderful thing getting to see things from a child’s eyes AND the eyes of someone with a bit of history behind them. BOTH can teach you. One, teaches the need for the ability to feel joy in the moment and the other teaches the need to never forget the moments that have passed.

I listen to both, and I am a better man because of it.

Ladies, I’m NOT a piece of meat…no matter how much butter and olive oil I cover myself with!

I'm not damaged goods. That dent in my ass came from sitting down too long. You are so judgemental!

Yes officer, giving the guy with the $190,000 car a $40 ticket is going to really teach him a lesson.

Social media should be an enjoyable, wonderful tool, it SHOULDN'T be used to crush a person FORCED into the spotlight. Shame.

How many people behind keyboards being disgusting and rude to Rachel Jeantel do you think could handle the same treatment? My guess? None.

Dear Pat Robertson, how about you save some crazy for another time? I mean, don't use up all of your crazy for the year on the fall of DOMA.

I used to love playfully pinning girlfriends to the wall and sniffing them after a shower.

I just did it to myself.

I...am...awesome.

Gonna sacrifice a goat on my porch. I think that'll keep me uninterrupted on Sunday mornings...and forever.

S. Anthony Thomas, 50% nice guy...50% go fuck yourself. Your actions will designate which 50% you get.

You have been warned.

"I hate when gorgeous women make you have sex with them all night."

- No dude ever

I don't know why Antonin Scalia ranted against gays, he's been screwing the men and women of this country from the bench for years...

"The only thing that makes me weep is your use of my name to promote your bigotry and hate Mr Huckabee!"

- Jesus

"Hey Huckabee, stop making up things and using my son for cover!"

- God

"I am so glad Mr Huckabee doesn't believe in ME!"

- The Buddha

At some point, you look like an idiot wearing headphones bigger than your entire body. Just putting that out there....

"1...2...3...4...5."
- Doing an "Unworthy of being on the Supreme Court" headcount.

SCOTUS guts voting act, then piss on Dr Martin Luther King's grave while giving the Lincoln Statue the middle finger. Film at 11.

The power plays used to fuck minorities will be used to fuck you too...so keep applauding jackasses, these "elites" don't like you either.

5 members of the Supreme Court finally decide to openly wear the hoods that match their robes, film at 11.

It's time to end lifetime appointments to the SCOTUS. Too many all powerful cretins get to wear that robe.

After gutting the voting act, the SCOTUS eject Clarence Thomas forcing him to apply for a job at the Paula Deen estate, Film at 11

The practical joke is over. You can get those bigots off of the SCOTUS and put the real Judges back. What? Those ARE the REAL ONES!?! Shit.

Dear America, stop being afraid of women's nipples. I've slurped on tons of them, they are NOT dangerous. You're welcome.

Dear prison guards, let George Zimmerman have all of the cigarettes, fatty food and sitting down that he wants.

Breaking NEWS! SCOTUS watches documentary "Eyes on the Prize" in reverse and pleasures themselves. Film at 11!

"dRacists Unchained" a new movie about the current SCOTUS directed by Quentin Tarantino. The "d" is silent and so is common sense.

"Wow, THOSE people are racist!"
- George Zimmerman finds out that the SCOTUS trashed the voting act

Today's politics proves that scum also rises to the top. It must be skimmed and discarded on election day. REMEMBER THAT!

The ONLY time I've let women call me the "N" word in the past...is when my "D" word was deep up in their "V" word.

If you give too much and receive too little, you cannot walk away too fast...

If you pimp slap a rabid raccoon, fifty dollar bills fall out of it's ass. Trust me.

Ever put your face up to a fan and scream into it? Was it a fan of the Rolling Stones on a bus? No? Punk ass.

I don't BLOW bubbles, Anal only

Ever get your thing caught in your zipper? Your suitcase zipper?

60 minutes. The Big Bang. Different Strokes.
- S. Anthony lists shows that describe his lovin'

Yes, I know the show is called "The Big Bang THEORY" but my greatness at lovin'....is FACT! Yeah! I told you! Ha! Yeah!

"This is gonna hurt YOU more than it hurts ME, because this shit isn't going to hurt me at all."

- Honest parent (pre-spanking)

Is this a bad time to tell people that Eric Snowden and Paula Deen are at my house and we're playing "Tell a secret, scream an epithet?"

70's television shows are homophobic as hell. Not "current congress homophobic", but definitely homophobic.

Thanks people illegally uploading shows from my childhood to YouTube for ruining my memories and showing how sucky some of that shit was.

I prefer black women, but give me a time machine...and Fran Drescher and Leah Remini could both get it.

Dear God, we'll trade you George Zimmerman for James Gandolfini. One was worth something, the other one is George Zimmerman.

I like the original "Super Moon". This remake doesn't feel authentic...

I love green tea so much I would bang it, and cook it breakfast in the morning and then bang it again.

I'd tear up winning lottery tickets to marry and make babies with Serena Williams. Yup.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian and dating? What...a baby? Why was I not informed of this!?!

I want the women that screamed "Oh yes, work it you sweet n-word! It's yours n-word! Don't ever stop n-word!" to me during sex to apologize.

"But you'd like them if you had banged them in college like I did..."

- Sarah Palin talks to Paula Deen on the phone

There is no substitute for REAL strength. Okay, a gun, but that's not fair.

I was weirded out when guys kept saying they hoped Lebron "doesn't wear his headband tonight" until I found out they DIDN'T mean condom...

I must be looking young. A security guard followed me around a store today.
Thanks slightly racist security guard!

"Bet you're sorry that your always faithful ass didn't have the 3 way with her friends now huh?"
- Devil on my shoulder after a bad breakup

Paula Deen quickly puts a beat behind her when she says the N word, gets forgiven and goes platinum. Film at 11!

Chinese food gives me a boner, it's either that or the Chinese lady behind the counter with the perfect body telling me she likes my dimples...

"To explore oneself is to seek truth and that truth is you ain't shit!"
- The dude that had the job and was fired when The Buddha became available

Had a dream about Miley Cyrus. I had lots of sex with her. I don't like to be subtle.

Miley Cyrus' video "We Can't Stop" is the Instagram account of EVERY teen and 20 something lady set to music.
*watches it 25x in a row*

"Bwahahahaha! I thought today would be better than yesterday! Yeah, I'm stupid..."
-Me

(True story from today)

*I walk into a doughnut show for a green tea and fruit salad, I see a homeless man who says to me...*

"Yo brother, I'm not asking for a handout. I just want some food".

*I walk into the shop and buy the man a cheeseburger, then go outside and give it to him*

"Damn n*gger, I can't get nuthin' to drink!?! Why you gonna give me this sh!t and nothing to drink!?!"

*I look at him...he sees that he might have inadvertently ordered a side order of whipped ass*

"Oh..uh...sorry man. Thanks."

*I walk off and then 30 seconds later laugh my ass off in the car as I drive away...*

When you scream at the lady behind the counter, then find out YOU were wrong, you're supposed to apologize, NOT be a BIGGER asshole lady...

UPDATE!  The 5 second rule is really the 4.5 second rule. We've been doing it wrong all these years. You're welcome.

"People that are adults and make stupid faces behind reporters are soooooo cool!"
- D-bags

Sometimes silence doesn't mean an absence of sound. Have you ever been among many people but still felt invisible?

That's silence my friend.  You can either get used to the silence, or you can change the type of people around you. You deserve to be noticed...and heard...and respected. Find people that hear you. Fuck everyone else.

10 Common Historical Misconceptions

Just felt my own ass, you people are right, It's awesome.

How many armpit fetish photos do you think it'll take before the NSA stops monitoring my computer?

All the good men are married or gay? So as a good man my only two choices are to be married or gay? How about single, happy and laid?

Spanking is RECIPROCAL ladies!

YouTube is becoming a way for lazy people to argue with and insult each other.

Scooby Doo actually spoke in perfect english, he was just mocking shaggy.

Scooby Doo actually spoke in perfect english, he was just mocking shaggy.
Yes, I have inside information to confirm this...

President of the United States. One of the most thankless jobs on the planet.

A sweaty, out of breath guy hands a $50 bill with blood on it to a teller while looking over his shoulder and she won't take it.

RACISM!  ;)

Hypnotized by delicious lady booty. Also boobs, and legs... most importantly...a good heart... which makes it easier to get it on longer.

I'm going to call colonoscopies "Drone Strikes" from now on.

I'm not a dad, but I've made thousands of test runs.

Politics and Religion seem to bring out the dormant jackass gene in some people. Not ME of course. I mean...I'm ALWAYS right.

YES I AM! Screw you if you disagree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy caught by her angry brothers at the bus station...I mean Father's Day!

Superlatives have replaced racial epithets for the slick politician. We still know what you mean though…having said that… screw you.

I starting a petition to rid porn of man ass shots. WHO'S WITH ME!?!

No movie should be as bad as the one I just saw. I don't even remember the title...because after a certain amount of pain, the brain blanks out.

When you lose a friend on Facebook, it feels the same as that feeling you get when a gas bubble goes away.

The voices in my head have decided to go solo.
DON'T BREAK UP THE BAND GUYS!

I should be somewhere slurping on a cute woman right now...

But I'm not.

So today kinda blows.

Why do people call those public assistance cell phones "Obama Phones" but DON'T say "Obama Degree" when they finish college with his help?

Ladies, there ARE good men out there...

They're just too good for YOU. My message to you? Settle.

Yes, I'm available...

**********

I'd probably do better with women if I had more confidence....

*gets a crap load of sympathy sex*

"Yeah, I knew that pretend to have no confidence crap would work."

*juggles chainsaws that are on fire while walking a tightrope and winking at the girls waiting outside of a modeling school*

**********

Virginia is for lovers...

...of anal.

#firstdraftsofstateslogans

I see your Edison reference in your car commercial and I'll raise with a Tesla reference and an accurate accounting of history...

When you use the "Incognito" window on the new laptops, tissue pops out. Yes, EVERYONE knows what you're doing you sick freaks!

*Whispering* Google is following me. Every time I use a different computer, my tabs and bookmarks are there...

I'm losing my mind!!!!!!!

**********

The judge that put Ochocinco in jail just cupped my buttcheeks and sentenced me to 30 days of...well, let's just say I'm not fighting it...

Just found out that I'm 1/32 Native American.
GET OFF MY LAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't run to your car in a raincoat if you're shoeless & wearing shorts. People WILL get the wrong idea, especially if you're near a school.

Dear rappers, people will rob you if you walk around with large sums of money, gold and/or diamonds.

You're welcome.

*********

Now that 2 Chainz has been robbed, "Bucket O Gold" had better increase his security.

Racist attacks on an 11 year old singing the National Anthem?

NSA, you know what to do...

"You are NOT the father!"
*dances around like an ass*
"Yeah! I told you! You ain't nuthin' but a !@^#@!"
*hands Maury money*
"Thanks man"

Maybe YOU'RE are mad about the NSA scandal, but without them my friend would've had to hire Cheaters to know about his wife's boyfriend.

Jason Kidd retires.
9 days later coach of the Nets
9 days from now retires as coach
9 days after that goes into Hall of Fame
9 days later...

"Vinegar. Vin..N*gger, NICE TRY RACISTS!"
-A tweet If twitter was invented in the 60's

The Obama administration has changed it's mind about the morning after pill.
"Yesssssssss!"
- 30 year old dudes that bang teens

Not ALL boobs are salty, that's why I bring my own salt when I'm on a date.

My little bi-racial cousin poured Cheerios on me while I slept, just like in the commercial.
She just wanted the box.

The one little cousin that was afraid of me, NOW smiles when he sees me and crawls quickly across the room to me....
...and with that, goes my last babysitting excuse.

There are two types of comedians:

Those that ADMIT to being influenced by Richard Pryor

and those that were influenced by Richard Pryor and don't know it.

That is all...

Ip Map would whip Superman's ass. Because he actually existed. Also, Superman didn't study Kung Fu. Duh...

The NBA finals are on against the Tony Awards….tough choice…. Bwahahahahaha!

"Whoa! Hot potato, hot potato!"

- The Phillies when a .500 record is in their hands

I'm covered in baby spit. Yeah, a cousin's work is never done...

Quitting IS an option.

A wise man once said to me "Aw shit, let's get outa here!". I followed that man's advice...and our asses remained UN-kicked. Yes...a wise man

Dear people watching the movie "The Purge", some of us grew up in neighborhoods that were like that ALL THE TIME. Not gonna scare me...

Peeing on a pigeon.
(Added to the bucket list)

I should be getting it on with a gorgeous lady right now, but I'm stuck with you lose...I mean...hey guys!

Wait until people see my Cheerios commercial with the bisexual asian sisters....
Controversy!

A confused Michael Douglas is on my porch licking my neighbor's cat.

I'd rather see a full episode of the show I like, not this bullshit pilot you tricked me into watching by putting it in the show I like.

Keep my opinions to yourself, because I'm always right. Wait, what?

Breaking news! S. Anthony Thomas discovers that the cure to the HPV virus causing throat problems is booty slurping. Film at 11!

Play Liberace...then tell people that you had so much oral with women that you got throat cancer. Well played Michael Douglas, well...played.

No, don't worry Mr. Thomas, I won't give you a ticket.
- Even the police see my greatness (They even helped bury the bod...uh, nothing.)

Is a controlled fire an acceptable alternative to me doing yard work?

I'm not a "Boob" man or a "Butt" man, I'm a "What kind of person is she?" man.
(Saying that crap is going to get me so much boobs and booty)

If the host of "Cheaters" asks you to meet him, don't bother watching the video when you get there. Your spouse was fucking someone.

This hotel doesn't have wifi, but the betamax machine and free edsel parking more than make up for it.

Just looked at an old guy and thought...."I don't want to live THAT long!"

Dear teens in my neighborhood, you can now include ME in your "Can I cut your grass sir?" list.

Yes, I want the key to your heart. But...does it include unlimited access to the "Living room", "Upstairs" and your backdoor? It does? COOL!

*Reads book on teachings of "The Buddha" in public*
(Waits for unwanted religious conversion attempt)

*Puts on hat of favorite sports team*
(Waits for childish jackass to trash talk)

*Exists*
(Waits for people to give a shit)
*People instead, give him shit*
*Damn it, that's not what he meant!*
:)

We’re supposed to be shocked Michael Douglas has oral sex with Catherine Zeta Jones? I’m shocked he stopped long enough to do an interview.

If Michael Douglas got HPV, from what he did, I should have the triple ebola virus right now just from what I did in the 90's.

"Dog whistle politics....it's FAN-TASTIC!"
- I'm selling slogan tee-shirts outside of congress

You may mock me, but I quickly sold out my "Truth, who needs it?" shirts outside of a certain cable news station...

Dear ballerinas that I will have sex with, keep your socks on. You know why. Thanks.

"I may surf with her...but I only podcast with YOU."
- Me trying to stop my laptop from getting jealous of my new Chromebook.

The sun's uvb rays just called me the "N" word.

"Compete for you with 24 other guys? Are you nuts? Maybe YOU have low self esteem, I don't."
- S. Anthony leaves "The Bachelor"

Are they going to do a Superman movie with a different guy every six months? At least James Bond actors hung onto the role long enough to have fans argue about which era was better. Fans of these guys have to google their names during an argument about who's best.

Married people, do you wake up, get cups of coffee, then stare lovingly into your spouse's face as bad music plays in the background?

Or do those commercials....LIE?

My mechanic gave me a $100 break on my recent engine repair.
And people say having a gun on you is bad.

Social media isn't always social.

A pretty 6'2" woman said I was perfect, but she only dates guys that are taller than her. I'm cute, disease free and employed. I'll live.

Mother nature, we see you. Enough with the damned tornadoes.

I'm not bipolar, YOU just inspire explosive hatred.

Stars are getting deals to endorse headphones. When it's my turn, "Shutouts by S. Anthony, the only headphones that block out jackasses!"

"Women's butts are EXITS, not entrances."
- Things NEVER said by a guy who has a wife with a great ass

I don't know whether to get an iphone or an Android. It's not really up to me, it depends on which one of these guys goes to sleep on the train first.

I could never be the black guy on a reality show. I don't yell enough. Also, watch this...
*walks up to old white lady, she smiles and pinches my cheek*
...I don't scare white people.

Having to get up extra early in the morning was invented by the devil.

George Carlin had the right idea about being a detached observer of humanity...

Just did the Bing vs Google challenge...and I now know, I don't give a shit.

Plastic forks? No. What do I do when someone at the table needs to be taught not to interrupt me? Nope. Good old fashioned steel for me.

I wish I had a wife.
No, not yours....not going through that again.

I can't wait until a vegan wins the Indy 500 and refuses to drink the milk.

When a cashier I'm not attracted to flirts with me, I buy extra small condoms.

Did you know that for another $0.25, you can order your street hot dogs WITHOUT fecal matter and spit?
 It's worth it.

In pictures everyone says "Cheese!", but I say "I'm dating your mom!"
so when the photo is snapped, everyone is looking at ME!

Did a lady too busy talking on her cellphone accelerate through a red light and almost kill you today? No? Just me huh? Oh.

Dear god, please let there be a bisexual, Muslim, black, female President soon. If congress goes this nuts because of a black President....

Hollywood:
Do you play basketball? (6'5" black guy)
Have you played Superman yet? (6'5" white guy)

When I make love to a lady for the first time, I have a big ribbon cutting ceremony with the mayor and a band and...Uh, I really like sex.

I don't know how many of you watch "The Big Bang Theory"...but I'm starting to have lustful thoughts about "Amy Farrah Fowler".

Dear inventor of the grilled cheese sandwich, there is no greater person than you.

Dear TV networks, just admit that you don't even try on Fridays. It'll make you feel better to come clean

Why would you want someone to pinch you to see if you're dreaming? Doesn't the bilingual unicorn slow dancing with the Mona Lisa tell you?

Coming this fall, a new show, "Fu*king with poor people for the amusement of strangers"
Fridays at 9!

I don't have guns in my house, they're dangerous.
*to nephews*
Hey! It's your brother's turn to play with the grenade launcher....selfish.

Dear drug dealers doing perp walks after getting caught with MILLIONS of dollars of drugs...it's okay to make just 100 thousand a year.

Moonlit strolls are romantic because nothing turns a woman on more that watching you fight off a mugger.

Louis Farrakhan, Fran Drescher, a wedding... now THAT'S a reality show!

People were suspicious about my wardrobe malfunction when they saw "Look at me!" and plugs for my website written on my buttocks.

Hackers broke into my bank account and left money. I would normally be insulted, but I love my new TV.

Don't ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you're sure that she is. Also, don't do it on your cell phone from the bus station.

Please, someone, find a way to make reality shows illegal.


Tablet computer companies are having more vicious battles than 90's rappers.
Can we all just get along?
...and be more realistically priced?

5 people that care is better than 5 thousand that don't give a shit. Better than that? ONE that sleeps with you five days per week...

Running people off the road because you're on a cellphone should be an Olympic sport. If it ever happens, I just met a gold metalist.

No, of course you don't need to stop at the STOP SIGN. I've lived long enough. I didn't have any plans for the last 50 years of my life.


8am:

Had green tea & decaf coffee as I listened to teens brag about being pregnant and fighting other pregnant teens.

I’m leaving the planet…

Yay! A person holding up the line at the market with idiotic requests and rudeness! Dear god, four words, Give her FOOD POISONING.
Thanks.

It's weird when the people who used to get their diapers changed by you ask you to babysit their babies. It's weirder when you say FUCK NO!

Talking like the adults on the Peanuts cartoons in real life will make people punch you in the face.

From the makers of "Scandal" comes "Aw Shit!" starring S. Anthony Thomas as the lover of the first White Female President. Huh? Cancelled? Already? Wow...

People that are faint of heart really don't have any cool stuff made for them do they?

Dear super attractive people that try too hard, fuck you.
- Guys/Ladies that top out at "Cute"

Baby's first word "Mama".
Second word "Dada".
Third word (after parents leave the room) "Suckers"

Obama comes out against Congress acting sensibly. Congress quickly begins working for the American people to spite him. Film at 11!

People that put too much cream in their coffee...you are RACISTS!!!!!
(Let's see how many dumbasses can't figure out that I'm joking...)


Wow, look at that ass! I would absolutely eat THAT!
- Lions watching the Kentucky Derby

Dear kid me watching Sally Field's Norma Rae, I know what seeing her in that tight shirt is gonna make you do. GO FOR IT! It'll be worth it!

I would watch the Kentucky Derby but only after I finish watching this wet spot on the carpet dry up.

Thanks for telling me what God said. How did you hear him from that far away? I mean I just said get away from me and you didn't hear THAT.

I want to take the word "Swag" and ANY reference to that word, cover it with gas, light it on fire and shoot it as I throw it from a plane.

MultiTASK? I'm multiAPATHETIC, there's a ton of things I don't give a shit about...

Why do guys try NOT to get bitten by hot lady vampires?

The "N" word just called me the "N" word. Yes... words CAN hurt...

I'd rather cut you out of my life than leave more than two voice mail messages.

I don't know who came up with the term "Sausage Fest"...but you are not allowed to come up with any more terms.

I hate electronic cigarettes. Why? Because we have to come up with ANOTHER excuse to make you go outside...I'm too nice to say we hate you.

Dear criminals, there are these things called CAMERAS everywhere. Now is a good time to stop being pieces of sh*t.

My last relationship was a false flag operation.

Dirty jokes:

Beautiful women taste like strawberries. To be honest It may have something to do with the strawberry preserves I spread on their butts.

Wow....just... WOW! - Women right after banging me

There comes a time in every man's life when he needs to...I was going to say something profound but screw that! Boobs boobs boobs!!!!

I told the barista at Starbucks that my name was Supermeat McVagstretcher. My coffee is ALWAYS free.

My comfort food just called me the "N" word.

My stalker is using a subcontractor. I can see a difference in quality. Who uses a stencil to write "You're mine!" in blood on a driveway?

When I watch cable news, it makes me long for the good old days when you had to become ill or extremely old BEFORE you went crazy or senile.

I can't wait until smartphones get IMAX® screens so I can start sending people "Dick Picks"

Shoot for greatness in your life. Bang me.

I NORMALLY don't feed trolls, but these bulging soup cans and raw chicken should really go to someone who'll appreciate them. Eat up trolls!

Karma is a bitch...to YOU. I've actually had some productive conversations with her and well... we're dating now. See? Talking it out works!

I don't choose to be offended by EVERYTHING because I'm not a huge d-bag. I'm talking to YOU cable news talking heads and talk radio hosts.

My ex used to say my balls were salty but she said NOTHING about the barbecue sauce and the stir fried veggies on them. Insensitive witch!

I pass for white. In other news, I only make friends with stupid people.

"Why the hell do you keep staring at my girl man?"
- Rick Springfield's friend Jesse

I vote with my wallet....because the person in the booth before me picks his nose and I'm not touching that shit.

Do they STILL draw chalk outlines around bodies? Where are the security camera blind spots? Does sound travel in here? Huh? Never mind why!

I liked the good old days when I scared babies. Now they all love me. Guess I'll have to start doing shit to make the parents scared of me.

Some bad stuff happened or didn't, we don't know. But we're going to report it ANYWAY.
-CNN


CNN Reports that I'm an old white woman. So it MUST be TRUE!

Oh shit, the President sounded like ME at his press conference....minus the "Fuck those cowards" part of course.

#USSenate

Breaking! Senate DOESN'T have enough votes to pass the "Don't push grandparents down the steps for fun" bill. Film at 11!

Breaking! A pissed off President Obama storms off after press conference, finds Joe Wilson and pimp slaps him. Film at 11!


"Whoa whoa whoa! DON'T slander OUR profession by calling THEM whores TOO!"
- Whores find out about the Senate vote and distance themselves

Why does the TSA agent have to lick your neck while squeezing your butt? Also, why is this agent not in uniform and in my house?

If you make a product and selling it at the dollar store was your first choice....I'm not buying that shit no matter what it is.

A moment for Boston

I was giving a family member a ride and turned on the radio to hear news about the tragedy at the Boston Marathon. As the host spoke, he drew us in with his kind words about the victims and families of the victims.

Then...

Within 15 seconds, this "Man" went from The Boston Marathon to Benghazi to insulting and blaming the President. Really? Really pal? The tears are STILL on the faces of friends and family. The blood is STILL on the victims. The horror is STILL fresh for the nation....and you spent 15 seconds on the tragedy and the rest of the time making cheap, inaccurate, political points....or so you think. Some people have no shame. The intentionally ignorant, the bigoted, those that lack humanity and compassion are the only people that gave you the "head nods" and "Right on buddy" that you sought.

They are NOT the majority sir. If you wish to understand what the MAJORITY of us are like, look at the people running TOWARD the explosions. These people were NOT concerned with the political affiliation, skin color, or race of the victims. They just knew PEOPLE needed help. And that's what they did and do. THAT'S who WE are sir. WE don't see times like these as opportunities for pushing the bullshit agenda of our corporate pimps. But, I guess that's why you are you and the rest of us...the MAJORITY of humans, don't like or listen to you or people like you.

How could we?

Also, fuck off.

(I feel comfortable speaking for many as I say that our thoughts and hearts go out to those hurt and killed in Boston as well as their friends and families.)

Remember when you thought people cared about what you thought? Bwahahahaha! Yeah, you were stupid then...


Men like their boobs slurped too ladies. Just putting it out there...

"NIGGER!"

- Racist

"Bwahahahahahaha! Nice try."

- Me

"Nothing Huh?"

-Racist

"I'll be fucking you up now."

- Me

"Crap."

- Racist

"She's only with you for your money!"

- Hater to rich guy

"Who cares? We're fucking!"

- Rich guy

Celebrities, hire people that will be honest with you. Ask them if you're stupid. If they say "Yes", don't talk so much and NEVER tweet.

All good things must come to an end, too bad those things are no longer good when you actually get to the end.

"I'm not fair, I won't give you anything and quite frankly, I don't even notice you, but if you figure out how I work, you get almost anything you want..."

- The World

I hope one of your personalities makes up their mind...

A camera behind the mirror above the bed? Could you possibly come up with a worse angle to see an ass?

If you're not sure if your wife is STILL pissed at you when you come home...you have Schrödinger's cock.


I just talked a rabid dog into turning itself in.

Yeah, I'm better than you....

I'm writing a song about my cheating ex called I HIT IT 25TH.

I wish female construction workers would STOP yelling "Nice Dick" at me as I walk pass. Is it too much for them to yell "Nice BIG dick"?

I hope that I don't write something here that offends any of you because I really care how you feel about...bwahahahahahaha! I tried.

Dear future wife, two words, endless love. Two more words, always faithful. Two more words, daily banging. Two more words, the butt.

I'm not mad at you, I'm not talking to you as much because you don't mean as much to me anymore. #keepingitrealwithsomeone

If we break up, I don't want to be your friend. I'm good for a moving smile and wave combo though. Sorry. #keepingitrealwithsomeone

A lack of respect for me leads to a lack of any access to me.
#keepingitrealwithsomeone

Your dreams are like a baby, keep sick people (haters, negative motherfuckers) away or it'll get sick too.
#keepingitrealwithsomeone


I love Applebee's, Chili's and Chi-Chi's type restaurants. It's funny how life works. When you're young, you take dates to those places. When you're older you take dates to expensive places, then you get married/live with someone and your ass is back at Applebee's, Chili's and Chi-Chi's again.

So why not just keep eating there dammit!?!

I can smell your armpit farts.

I have a love/hate relationship with tofu as well.

The tracking cookies on my computer just called me the N word...but it's okay, they have black friends and dated a black lady in high school.


No matter how healthy and fit I get, I’m STILL going to eat pizza during football on Sundays.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT!?!

My mom just whipped me for making a twerk video.


She's out of MY league? Really? Well fuck you, I wasn't drafted, I got on the team as a walk on. And right now, I'm playing on her field.

Porn actors seem ANGRY when they have sex in movies. What’s with all of the violence?

On the other hand, I’m quite happy when I’m in the vagina of any woman that I’m involved with. Yup. HAPPY! HAPPY! JOY! JOY!

(Editors note: S. Anthony has never seen a porno movie and is a virgin)

(S. Anthony’s note: The editor is a d-bag….I’ve been with hot women. Yeah! Super hot! *sits down on a broken chair and eats spaghetti out of a can over a sink full of dirty dishes* I’m the man!)

Don't ever question my manhood....without it's lawyer present.

Whoever said "Quitting is NOT an option!", never tried to do any really hard shit...

It's NOT about the number of followers/friends etc that you have, it's about the few of those that GIVE A SHIT. Only YOU know THAT number...

Keep your friends close and your enemies far away from you. Why the hell would you want those assholes close to you? That saying is stupid.


Mama...I killed a man. Put a gun against his head pulled the trigger, now he's....

...are you recording THIS old woman? *sinister music*