Terrorists

Terrorists are trying to get bombs on planes by carrying them up their buttocks....TSA workers already wear rubber gloves ...know what I'm saying. All I'm gonna say from now on is "Helloooooo Amtrak!!!"

Quick thought...

When a relationship is over they say, "end it quickly like you rip it off a band aid." OK, if the relationship is the band aid, what does that sticky crap left on your arm represent? Venereal disease? Emotional baggage? Unplanned pregnancy?

Rectal Thermometers

Why are rectal thermometers even an option? My doctor asked me if I'd prefer it. If my mouth works well enough to answer that question...it shouldn't need to be asked. I'm gonna have to see his medical license again!

Secondhand.....

There is second hand smoke. Now they say, if the people you hang around with are overweight, you have an increased chance of being fat yourself. That's right everybody, It's finally happened...we have discovered....secondhand ass!

Random

That lady that walks up with the roses is annoying. You wanna sell roses? Offer the woman i'm with condoms. (Hint, if she buys condoms...i'm definitely buying roses!)

When someone invites you to a "Black Tie Party"....they want you to wear the rest of the tux too. (Note to self)

Hey Roman Polanski, I guess this (Jail) isn't the "Lifetime Achievement Award" that you expected. But you deserve it.

NOT Our Community

3 charged in student's beating death - Crime & courts- msnbc.com

Source: www.msnbc.msn.com

Three teenagers were charged Monday with beating a 16-year-old to death as he walked home from school, the latest killing in a city school system rife with violence. .

The "people" doing the beating are NOT our community. The young man who was an honor student who came to the aid of a friend in need...that's our community. Unfortunately these kids (Honor Students) only get mentioned when something bad happens to them. We shouldn't honor the best of us with candles and teddy bears after a tragedy. We must honor, protect and nurture them daily.

Random

There is a 10 mile backup on the road less traveled. Damned G.P.S. system!

Don't worry if atlas shrugs, it's ok, he put the world in his new man purse.

Can we give a little electric shock to color commentators who state the obvious? "If he threw that a little farther...that would be a catch" Really? Thanks! (zap). "If they had just scored Touchdowns instead of Field goals...they win this game!" Really?...(Zap)

I think therefore...I could never run for public office.

I just mailed in my cash for gold. I wonder if i'll get extra money for the teeth inside?

Found a breast lump...instead of smacking me, that lady at the train station should have been grateful.

Commercials

Every commercial on my favorite shows is for Erectile Dysfunction, Hair Loss, Asthma, Weight Loss, Depression Etc. I don't know if i'm being insulted or warned! "If you keep watching...this could be you".

Speeches at the UN

Speeches at the UN are nothing more than world leaders doing "The Dozens". "Yo, your country is so broke that your population isn't dropping because people are leaving...they're eating each other!" "Oh yeah?...yo mamma so dumb....."

The Ring

I'm gonna put on an abstinence ring, you see, I haven't had any action lately and I want people to think it's my choice.

New Net Rule

I'm gonna write to my government officials to help pass a new law for the internet. It will go as follows: 10 DAYS IN JAIL FOR ANYONE WHO WRITES "LOL" WHO HAS NOT ACTUALLY LAUGHED OUT LOUD! How many times have you seen someone type that...yet you heard no laugh? YOU LIE!!

(Bad Stalker Testimony)

"I know you want to leave me, but I refuse to let you go...." Yes your Honor. I did say that, but it's from a song, she misunderstood my intentions....the duct tape and tickets to Brazil? Uh....also from a song....

There are certain activities that people take part in that should signal to your family that you should immediately be declared incompetent and that they should take over your finances and other major decisions. For example: Skydiving, Bungee/ Base jumping,
re-dating an ex, watching Survivor, believing cable news, betting on the Lions, being shocked by anything that happens on the MTV Awards.....(add more here)

When will we have a Political/Religious/Spiritual/Racial/Sexual Equinox? It's overdue and I'm tired of waiting.

It's a sad day. I just got back from a funeral....for all the Kanye West and Taylor Swift jokes. They lived a good long life. They will be missed.

Kanye West/Taylor Swift jokes 2009-2009 R.I.P.

.....a massive flash of light....a deafening sound...yes!!!....yes!!!!....THE PHOENIX HAS RISEN!!!!!

The Question...(Cont'd)

...the pile of ash stirs...from this distance the cause is uncertain...is it the wind?...or....could it possibly be....

The Question...?

....in the place he once stood, now stands a pile of ashes....will they blow away in the wind?...or will a Phoenix arise?......

Cookies

The "cookies" on our PC's are like the "friend" in the scary movie that's nice, then slowly turns on you. At first it asks relevant questions "Over thirty and looking for love?" Yes I am, thanks computer cookie. "Viagra?" Uh, you're about 30 years too early with that cookie. "Depressed?" No. Where are you going with this cookie? " If you disappeared suddenly would anyone know?" Uh...I'm buying a Mac!

Random....

Had to pee, didn't think I would make it home in time...so I chose the "Public Option".

Flipping through the channels I saw that "Maury" had "The Kind of Wheelchair Porn" on his show today. I just want to say for the record that I now wish to be deported.

This week on celebrity apology swap...Joe Wilson apologizes to Taylor Swift and Kanye West apologizes to the House of Representatives.

If Kanye is a "jackass", Imagine what he said about Joe Wilson off the record! I'll bet it rhymes with burty brutha trucka!

Why do they call the show "America's Got Talent"...and then spend the next hour proving the contrary?

Jay-z had better lock his bedroom door now that Kanye West is in the habit of interrupting and saying what Beyonce deserves!!!

New studies have just determined that a picture is only worth 927 words. Sorry.

Joe Wilson just filed a lawsuit against Kanye West for copyright infringement.

Joe Wilson didn't have to yell at the president. He could have just given him "the light". (inside joke for my standup friends)

Joe Wilson was too far away from the President to throw his shoe at him, so he just threw his career instead!

Just saw the outfit Chris Brown wore on Larry King. Man, the Nation of Islam had better go back to their old uniforms.

Brainwashing isn't the problem, when we put it in the dryer and it shrinks that's the problem.

Everybody talks about love at first sight. They seem to forget about the more frequent but less popular sibling of that saying, "This person ain't sh!t at first sight".

The Reset (Control-Alt-Delete)

I've noticed something.

The debate on health care has effected me more than I had thought. I made the mistake of watching too much and reading too much of the extreme parts of the debate. It's like poison. It changes you the same way a virus or disease does. You don't notice at first but slowly you begin to take on the language and attitudes of the extreme point of view of your particular ideology. I noticed it beginning to happen to me. I wasn't bad. I didn't do anything disrespectful (Nor would I ever), but I began to dislike people as soon as they made it known that they were an "R". That isn't me. I wasn't raised that way. We must not demonize those that we disagree with. We learn more when we have constructive dialogue. So lets act like adults people. I'm an Independent. In more ways than one. I will not demonize, I will listen and learn. Join me.

Brotherhood of Mankind

I find it amazing that at this time in our culture we still remain asleep. When will we put people in office who give a damn about people other than themselves and or their party. How can an intelligent human being argue against universal health care? How many more Americans need to lose their homes because a loved one is sick?

We ask... am I my brothers keeper? A good question. A better question would be, when will we realize that we are all brothers and sisters?

I'm all for honest debate, but we have neither honesty nor is there debate when it comes to health care. Jut bold face lies and scare tactics. I don't believe half of these commentators actually believe what they are spouting, but the money is too good to stop. It does not matter to them that people will die, they'll get theirs. As for many of the protesters...are you really willing to let your racism override the human trait of self preservation? These rich guys have health care, you don't.

Breaking (FAKE) News:

Joe Wilson in mental hospital. Joe Wilson, at the tea bag rally, saw a brown face and began screaming "YOU LIE!" out of force of habit. Unbeknown to him he had gotten a deep tan while protesting and misrepresenting what the president said, and didn't realize he was screaming at himself in a Prius windshield for 5 hours...more news after this commercial for over priced crap you don't really need.