Wednesday, September 30, 2009
When a relationship is over they say, "end it quickly like you rip it off a band aid." OK, if the relationship is the band aid, what does that sticky crap left on your arm represent? Venereal disease? Emotional baggage? Unplanned pregnancy?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
There is second hand smoke. Now they say, if the people you hang around with are overweight, you have an increased chance of being fat yourself. That's right everybody, It's finally happened...we have discovered....secondhand ass!
That lady that walks up with the roses is annoying. You wanna sell roses? Offer the woman i'm with condoms. (Hint, if she buys condoms...i'm definitely buying roses!)
When someone invites you to a "Black Tie Party"....they want you to wear the rest of the tux too. (Note to self)
Hey Roman Polanski, I guess this (Jail) isn't the "Lifetime Achievement Award" that you expected. But you deserve it.
Monday, September 28, 2009
NOT Our Community
Source: www.msnbc.msn.comThree teenagers were charged Monday with beating a 16-year-old to death as he walked home from school, the latest killing in a city school system rife with violence. .
The "people" doing the beating are NOT our community. The young man who was an honor student who came to the aid of a friend in need...that's our community. Unfortunately these kids (Honor Students) only get mentioned when something bad happens to them. We shouldn't honor the best of us with candles and teddy bears after a tragedy. We must honor, protect and nurture them daily.
There is a 10 mile backup on the road less traveled. Damned G.P.S. system!
Can we give a little electric shock to color commentators who state the obvious? "If he threw that a little farther...that would be a catch" Really? Thanks! (zap). "If they had just scored Touchdowns instead of Field goals...they win this game!" Really?...(Zap)
I think therefore...I could never run for public office.
I just mailed in my cash for gold. I wonder if i'll get extra money for the teeth inside?
Found a breast lump...instead of smacking me, that lady at the train station should have been grateful.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Speeches at the UN
Speeches at the UN are nothing more than world leaders doing "The Dozens". "Yo, your country is so broke that your population isn't dropping because people are leaving...they're eating each other!" "Oh yeah?...yo mamma so dumb....."
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I'm gonna put on an abstinence ring, you see, I haven't had any action lately and I want people to think it's my choice.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
New Net Rule
(Bad Stalker Testimony)
Monday, September 21, 2009
re-dating an ex, watching Survivor, believing cable news, betting on the Lions, being shocked by anything that happens on the MTV Awards.....(add more here)
Kanye West/Taylor Swift jokes 2009-2009 R.I.P.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
.....a massive flash of light....a deafening sound...yes!!!....yes!!!!....THE PHOENIX HAS RISEN!!!!!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
The "cookies" on our PC's are like the "friend" in the scary movie that's nice, then slowly turns on you. At first it asks relevant questions "Over thirty and looking for love?" Yes I am, thanks computer cookie. "Viagra?" Uh, you're about 30 years too early with that cookie. "Depressed?" No. Where are you going with this cookie? " If you disappeared suddenly would anyone know?" Uh...I'm buying a Mac!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Had to pee, didn't think I would make it home in time...so I chose the "Public Option".
Flipping through the channels I saw that "Maury" had "The Kind of Wheelchair Porn" on his show today. I just want to say for the record that I now wish to be deported.
This week on celebrity apology swap...Joe Wilson apologizes to Taylor Swift and Kanye West apologizes to the House of Representatives.
If Kanye is a "jackass", Imagine what he said about Joe Wilson off the record! I'll bet it rhymes with burty brutha trucka!
Why do they call the show "America's Got Talent"...and then spend the next hour proving the contrary?
Jay-z had better lock his bedroom door now that Kanye West is in the habit of interrupting and saying what Beyonce deserves!!!
New studies have just determined that a picture is only worth 927 words. Sorry.
Joe Wilson just filed a lawsuit against Kanye West for copyright infringement.
Joe Wilson didn't have to yell at the president. He could have just given him "the light". (inside joke for my standup friends)
Joe Wilson was too far away from the President to throw his shoe at him, so he just threw his career instead!
Just saw the outfit Chris Brown wore on Larry King. Man, the Nation of Islam had better go back to their old uniforms.
Brainwashing isn't the problem, when we put it in the dryer and it shrinks that's the problem.
Everybody talks about love at first sight. They seem to forget about the more frequent but less popular sibling of that saying, "This person ain't sh!t at first sight".
Monday, September 14, 2009
The Reset (Control-Alt-Delete)
Brotherhood of Mankind
I find it amazing that at this time in our culture we still remain asleep. When will we put people in office who give a damn about people other than themselves and or their party. How can an intelligent human being argue against universal health care? How many more Americans need to lose their homes because a loved one is sick?
We ask... am I my brothers keeper? A good question. A better question would be, when will we realize that we are all brothers and sisters?
I'm all for honest debate, but we have neither honesty nor is there debate when it comes to health care. Jut bold face lies and scare tactics. I don't believe half of these commentators actually believe what they are spouting, but the money is too good to stop. It does not matter to them that people will die, they'll get theirs. As for many of the protesters...are you really willing to let your racism override the human trait of self preservation? These rich guys have health care, you don't.