MY laptop only gets warm because it's that close to MY genitalia. I don't blame it at all. Yeah, I'm #betterthanyou

Only I can stop forest fires. Yup, I'm #betterthanyou (And if you don't get THAT reference....I'm also #olderthatyou) ;)

GUYS + yoga pants = No.

A woman on Inside Edition sold sexless snuggles for $60 per hour. I'm giving out FREE, UNLIMITED power bangings. I win.

Uh, cellphone companies.....STILL trying to get people to sign contracts? Congress just called YOU "Out of touch".

A friend complained to me about finding a white pubic hair on his balls. He then had to complain about getting thrown the hell out.

Thanks a lot women who dance inappropriately in public, I was getting ready to use the word "Twerk" for something else.