Saturday, March 31, 2012

Rick Santorum is a racist piece of cart. That's what I meant.

Dear voters, when you give people power and they immediately begin fucking you over...don't keep doing that. You're welcome.

24/7. Ladies, that's how long we want to be in you. There, I said it. You don't have to wonder anymore. You're welcome.

Dear gorgeous women that insert sex toys...may I suggest you use something larger...and attached to me as an alternative?

The lady in the T-Mobile commercial is hot! In other news, I just saw the lady in the prepaid phone commercial....uh, let's just say, Hep C.

Too bad Proactiv® can't clear up pretentiousness too.

If you're having an affair and a bunch of fat guys in a van are following you're going to be on Cheaters. You're welcome.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Ladies, raise your hands if you didn't know about my shaved armpit fetish.... yeah...keep them just like that....

*takes picture*

Waitress, I just went and "effed" myself like you suggested...I don't see how that's going to solve my problem. I still need the salt.

"Put that anywhere."
- Hookers

How trustworthy am I? Women let me tie them up on the first date and BELIEVE I'm coming back after I bang them and leave with their purses.

Wear WOMEN'S underwear, me? I didn't break into those places and steal those panties just to put them on and stretch them out! I mean, what?

If your girlfriend likes DECAF, don't dip your genitals in regular coffee, you're just asking to be rejected.

 No one gives a shit. See, now that you know that, life is a little easier isn't it?

I DID NOT win the Mega Millions jackpot. Well, send my mail to Monte Carlo, I'll be in the gold plated house full of bisexual nymphos.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

I don't do "One night stands". If I get in there, much like rats in an attic, I'm not leaving until I'm good and ready, or you get annoying was at THAT point that I realized I trusted her enough to sleep with her, but not enough to engage in her "Ball shaving" fetish...

Bigots in the media are popping up like it's a bad carnival's "Whack a mole" game. The mallets? Truth, knowledge, and compassion. Use them.

Learning not to expect much from others... does a psyche good...


I think the Easter bunny is mad. Those are NOT chocolate eggs that it left behind. Also, It has a gun pointed at you..

Plastic fork, hot food...yet it works. Yeah, mysteries...

I hate when a lady walking down the street thinks you're hitting on her just because you're licking your window and pointing at her.

Robert Zimmerman...the lying guano pile that George Zimmerman oozed from.

Really? THIS is supposed to be The President? Well, maybe if Mike Judge drew him…

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Officer, the sign says no RIGHT turns on red, as you can see, I made a LEFT turn. Don't believe me? Wake up the guy I hit and ask him.

See what happens when you give people lifetime jobs, with massive power, in a corrupt system? #supremecourt

Now that we've protested the "Government takeover of healthcare", let's protest inserting things into unwilling women! Hey! Come back!

I have finally, after months of hard work, filled my spray bottle with house cat sweat. Guy who won't wipe off the gym's on!

Dear people of ALL colors, S. Anthony loves you. If you're a woman, S. Anthony ALSO wants to get it on with you daily. Yup.

...not when you're on your period though.

Breaking News! Government officials will be stationed at the polls with a paper bag....for a certain test. Yes black's back.

Boobs taste good, even WITHOUT the pepper jack cheese.
(How to save calories during sex)

I'm an only 5...4...3...

Your sisters, bet I don't eat just one.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, but indifference, you've got to heat that shit up.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Dear employer who may in the future make me log into my Facebook account as a condition of being hired...your oldest kid really belongs to the Mailman. I also nailed your wife. And you Mrs. Lady employer, The same Mailman nailed your husband. Bet you're sorry that you invaded my account now aren't ya?

Ever see someone so yummy that you didn't WANT to get it on with NEEDED to get it on with them? You're welcome. Untie me please.

Ladies, you're not the only ones who can violently pull on your nipples and say Mmmm during sex. Check and mate. *sticks out tongue*

As effortless as it is for me to express myself, it would be very hard for me to tell you how much I hate Rush Limbaugh's antics...

The Supreme C-whore-t.

Did you know that "Blah blah blah" was short for "Blow me three times this week please? Ok, that's not true, but let's make people think it.

Did you know that "Blah blah blah" was short for "Blow me three times this week please? Ok, that's not true, but let's make people think it.

Grandpa give us horse rides on his knee. He later lost that leg. Coincidence, or old people should let me ride them until I want to stop?

Is there really such a dearth of people that aren't pieces of shit that we can't find any to be judges and politicians?

"Hey cable news AND talk radio, I'm a smart black man. BOO!"

Why do Billionaires on the right hate gays so much? Is that hunky bartender STILL not returning your calls? Awwwww. Keep trying.

Security guard at the dollar your uniform HERE didn't you?

Monday, March 26, 2012

Women think it's weird when you want to do things to their butts, until you do. After that, get used to them entering the room backwards.

Yes new ASSHOLE boyfriend of my ex, I'm the reason that you can't surprise her in bed. Sorry, we did EVERYTHING. Enjoy perpetually being #2!

If crooked politicians only blocked my right to vote on restaurants, color patterns and how she looks in that dress, I'm cool with that.

Hey, there's my luck! I'm going over there to see what happens if I push it...

Santa is dead. Look, when my neighbor puts up a sign that says "Christmas ONLY" on his chimney....he's NOT kidding.

Just upped my weights, I’m tired…but…you may think I’m crazy…I’d swear that my weights called me the “N” word on rep 9 to motivate me.

Only I can make not liking people look THIS good.

I want to own a Fake News channel where I can make up shit about people that I don't like. My first show? The S.Anthony's ex is a skank show

The saying is Shit...Shower...Shave for a reason. Remember that. Also, no you're not getting in my car again.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

You'd figure that a car so expensive that you'd want to take up two parking places, would have a more scratch resistant paint. Well, I guest he didn't spring for the "pissed off woman who had to walk an extra 100 yards with two mischievous kids carrying metal objects" package. Oh well...

Whoa! You do anal, but you WON'T let me have my way with your armpit fat!?! You're weird...and this relationship is OVER!
- Things no one has ever said

She's less of FAN and more of a VACUUM.

Stars, a question...reality show or dancing competition? Your answer tells us all how far you've fallen...

Self help books burn pretty easily. Apparently pretentiousness is an accelerant. That being said, tell your mom to be more careful when she smokes.

Dear old racist guy that used the "N" word because he didn't see me...I'm going to ask your daughter to call me that while I'm in her.

I would soooooo powerbang "The Nanny"

Tiger has begun winning. I was wondering why this waitress said "Nah, keep your tip baby!"

I would love to see a tow truck with “The Boot” on all four of it’s tires.

I want to “Flour Bomb” Kim K. (Editors Note: I’m really saying that I want to have sex with her)

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Santorum/Palin 2016. You know it's coming...and as a person who writes jokes for a living, thinking about the potential am I...

Throwing salt over your shoulder, good luck
Standing behind that guy, bad luck
Standing behind THAT guy and trying not to laugh, worse luck

Getting blown is a PRIVILEGE...not a RIGHT.

Mixed some of my uncles cholesterol powder into my chili cheese fries...not bad. MULTITASKING!!

Philly Cheese steak Pizza, if it would stop bothering me while I watched the game I'd marry it. What?

SEA salt tastes like "Weekend tourist ass". Wait, I picked up the wrong container...that actually was "Weekend tourist ass". Never mind.

I wish football season was here, I'm used to having my junk food day on Sunday. I can't eat junk food on Sunday NOW, it just doesn't taste as good when I'm watching "Too Close for Comfort" reruns.  

When a checkout person is horrible to me, I DON'T take it personally. I do not let my emotions get involved at all. See how I don't change my expression at all as I siphon out ALL of his gas? Exactly. Yeah.

...imagine if butt cheeks had nipples. Yeah, good thoughts...

"Whoever told twenty somethings that making that "Kissy - pouty" face was cute....stop that. Thanks"
- Dudes

Friday, March 23, 2012

You're blaming Trayvon's hoodie for the shooting Geraldo? That's like blaming a sexual assault victim for wearing a low cut top. Wrong bro.

I troll trolls by leaving valid arguments on their pages and then offering to discuss our differences over a home cooked lunch. Yeah. I win.

All of the energy used hating black people could be better spent finding flag colored shirts that actually fit.

I wonder how Pat Robertson's face stays dry after all of the crazy shit he says. I mean, so much of what he says is "Spit take" worthy.

"A crotchless chastity belt? Dude, you so don't get it." - early production meeting conversation

As warm and comfy as it is in my testicles, sperm sure seems to burn rubber once I decide to let it out.

"You are NOT the mother!"
- Maury hits rock bottom with his guests

" get your ass whipped and you get your ass whipped and..." - Oprah quits OWN and buys the UFC

Thursday, March 22, 2012

My balls are spending too much time together, I think they're plotting something... STOP WHISPERING DOWN THERE!

Winter is over. It's tank top and shorts time ladies! Let the ogling (....and hopefully body nibbling) BEGIN!!!!!!!!

"Whoa whoa whoa! I am offended!"
- Etch-a-sketches after hearing about being compared to Mitt Romney

"I don't sweat, I donate swag juice." (trying to sound like a d-bag is fun)

Dear women who AREN'T getting it on with me....try the opposite of that please. Thanks.

I must be getting old. No one follows me around to see if I'm shoplifting anymore. Lazy security guards are better than coupons. FREE STUFF!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

That's okay boobs, I love you whether you're full of milk or not. Yes...TRUE boob love.

Can't celebrate in the endzone, you can't take off your helmet on the field, you can't injure other players for're no fun NFL!

Breaking fake News! Roger Goodell fines NFL cheerleaders for being TOO delicious and makes them wear turtlenecks and granny jeans. Film @11!

Mitt Romney accidentally tells the truth and his hair moves...Film at 11! (Just kidding, NONE of that shit could happen)

Mitt Romney doubles his net worth via checks from democrats as payment for writing their campaign ads with every word out of his dumb mouth. Film at 11!

Being great in the sack is boring, so I'm going to be bad once so I'll know how YOU people feel. Yeah, I'm better than you. ;-)

Why get ignored on SEVERAL social media sites? Pick one and have no one give a shit about you in ONE place. Don't be ignored AND busy.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

"Why are ALL of those waiters talking into their bluetooths?"
- My 8 year old cousin watching mob surveillance in a gangster movie

Dear police officers in that "moving van", I'm a law abiding citizen and I know that you're cops. Those drug boys are not fooled. TRY AGAIN.

Dear people in authority... ALL human life is VALUABLE. When one is devalued, they ALL are...then where does that leave us? #TrayvonMartin

Lord, who is voluntarily having sex with these asshole politicians?

Did these politicians have moms that renamed the "boogie man" "The Vagina monster"? They sure seem afraid of them...thus the attacks. WHAT DID WOMEN'S REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS DO TO YOU!?!

Tell us...we're here for you. Ha! Just kidding, go to hell!

NO ONE has a better "Are they buying this shit?" smile than Mitt Romney. Well, my ex had a good one too....but I digress....

"Where did this come from?" - Dudes that don't know where things come from

Monday, March 19, 2012

It amazes me sometimes that some people don't have enough self preservation skill to know when they should shut the hell up.

(If you're wondering what that last post was about, I just saw a guy trying to pick a fight with another guy who was WEARING A KARATE UNIFORM, WITH A BLACK BELT, THAT HAD ABOUT 7OO STRIPES ON IT! Really? You're so mad that you don't notice what the guy is wearing?)

Please god, make boobs taste like coffee on Mondays. I want the refreshing taste of coffee BEFORE I get out of bed in the morning. Thanks.

I'd stop the gorgeous 19 year old at the drive thru from flirting with me all of the time, but I like getting FREE French fries so fuck you.

I would like to take this time to apologize to anyone that I've ever offended. I'll try to chan...hahahahahahahahahaha! Yeah right! Bite me loser.

I can't listen to the Trayvon Martin 911 tapes anymore. I have two nephews that age. If someone ever hurt them.....

I don't really give a shit about the weddings or relationships of people in real life, so repetitive movie makers...thought you should know.

"Dear Winter, get the hell out!"
- Everybody

Not a big fan of Super PAC'S. I'm more of a Bat PAC and Spider PAC fan. Huh? Not the same thing? Oh. No! You're uninformed!!!!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Yo mama is like Staples, she has an "Easy" button. She also is the cornerstone business in the downtown area of several large cities. What?

What would be more fun to find out tomorrow morning, that you won $500 bucks or that Marcus Bachmann blew Rick Santorum on film?

"If you don't find Al Bundy funny, your citizenship should be revoked." - Dudes

I'm back. Orgy time. No, just me. I do these ALONE. You people are weird.

I just strapped a dog to the roof of my car, drove around the block and some rich old guys gave me $100 million. Mitt is onto something...

YouTube's comment section auto corrects any comment to "F**K you N*gger" so, I apologize racists. It wasn't you. Just kidding, you suck.

Yeah yeah yeah, Mitt won in Puerto Rico, my question is this....who were the people who voted FOR Santorum? Talk about self hatred.

S. Anthony says... (Trayvon Martin, we all have skin in this)

I understand this story. I could have been a Trayvon Martin years ago. Many young men of color have and could have been Trayvon. This is one of many young lives lost at the hands of a coward, a bigot, a misinformed member of society. When I heard the other 911 tape that included Trayvon’s cries for help that abruptly ended with the gunshot, I remember a young me in the same situation. I had committed the crime of dating a woman who lived in a neighborhood that I shouldn’t have been in. Apparently those 10 square blocks weren’t part of America. I wish that I was told that beforehand.

I was also followed and held at gunpoint by some bigoted loser. I didn’t scream for help, but I did scream inside. I thought of my lady waiting for me to come back from the store, I thought of how she’d blame herself for my death because she had sent me. I thought of the devastation that my loss would cause my family. I thought of the irony of this situation. I had avoided crime, drugs, gangs and all of the other pitfalls…and I was going to die over Chinese food. Hearing his screams brought back those memories, broke my heart and burned my soul. An INNOCENT CHILD died.

I was able to get out of my situation using charm and humor. 45 seconds after being held at gunpoint, I had the man smiling and laughing. Yeah, tough crowd. But in all seriousness, George Zimmerman is not the only one to blame. We all have a little skin in this game. Why? Look at the images of black men that you see. Are they considered human…as human as YOU are? No. It’s easy to kill someone who is less human than you are. Do you know the damage YOU did to us all Mr Zimmerman?

Think of Trayvon’s plight, then change his name to your child’s name.
As a society we should do that. We should as a group demand better of our police, the media and ourselves. We ALL have skin in this game. We must NEVER forget that…we don’t want to lose any more Trayvons.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

THIS is how I feel right now. And so IT begins.....


My balls are dyed green. Okay, they're just green. Is that bad?

If a woman spits on your penis during sex and then tells you she NEVER saw a porno movie, she's lying, but who cares she blew you.

Photogs, stop airbrushing and photoshopping women's bodies. We know what they really look like and we LIKE IT! E-freaking-nough with that!

Friday, March 16, 2012

"Cancel my subscription to your bullshit."
- Me to anyone that deserves to hear that

Dear asshole that pretended to turn right just to cut me off, I can see that you ALSO used your cunning to purchase that car with mismatched doors and bald tires. I hope the surgery that you're rushing to goes well. Dickhead.

Ladies, see those guys who are against your rights? Hit them with a few lefts. Yeah, I said it.

Dear politicians, some of us are great in the sack and get laid regularly. Leave the pill alone. It's not our fault you stink in bed!

Dear people that write movies and television've never met an actual comedian have you? Is that what you think we do? Really? You should get out more.

Butt cheek sex, keeping teen girls virgins and giving teen boys partial sexual conquests since 1980.

If you smell your computer screen when you're being'll notice that you can smell the shit that they're full of.

Oh....he named his junk KONY. That explains everything....

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Oh, so we can NOW choose between beef WITH pink slime or WITHOUT it? Cool! How about trying THIS...TAKE THAT CRAP OUT OF ALL OF THE MEAT!!!

"Free gas for EVERYBODY!"
- Mitt Romney (Eventually)

"The President-a is a black guy-a so don't vote for him-a"
- Newt Gingrich losing his dog whistle politics magic

So, you're buying condoms AND teeth whitener? Someone got a new job and expects to start getting laid soon huh?

Angry birds, meet hungry cat. Hungry cat, meet pissed dog. Pissed dog, meet distracted driver. Distracted driver, meet pissed animal owner.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Encyclopaedia Britannica...DEAD. Wikipedia, where were YOU last night at 10pm? No answer huh? Cuff him!

Why does it STILL amuse me when I post something wild and over the top...and someone takes it LITERALLY?

If your large boobed lady wears a low cut top, don't get mad if people look. And guys, it's bad to mime slurping her boobs...apparently.

I didn't realize how bad people are at small talk until I tried to not be narcissistic for 15 minutes. Never again. I'm too good for that.

It's time for the press to boycott Rush Limbaugh. Stop feeding his racist, misogynistic, overblown ego. Rush, fuck you.

This dollar store deodorant is great! The burning doesn't bother me at all. No I'm not crying. Call an ambulance please.

"The President doesn't lower gas prices. Try more than one source of info, preferably one that includes facts. Thanks." - Informed People

Sometimes I watch the election returns and it amazes me how happy people can get about casting a vote that proves their bigotry.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Hey teens, if you have might have kids. Write that down so you don't forget it.
You're welcome.

Trent Lott was afraid to admit that he doesn't believe in evolution on Hardball. And you say there's no good comedy on TV.

I wish that I was a rich enough comedian to endorse Romney even though I know that he blows.

Special message to ALL talking heads, not having a college degree isn't an excuse to be a bigot or lack intellectual curiosity. Ya dig?

"Hahaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! "
- ANYONE who hears that Palin challenged Obama to a debate

10% say he's a Christian.

42% say he's a Muslim.

48% say that they aren't Sure.

90% of everyone asked want to say nigger but know better.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Just so you know, being bound and gagged isn't ALL bad.

Who cares what religion the President is? If it makes a difference, you're a RELIGIOUS bigot. But we know you're just regular bigots. Yup.

I clicked my heels together 3 times and all I got out of it was a bunch of guys walking past saying "Yo, why are you wearing heels bro?"

Election day, HURRY! Watching rich guys lie to dumb people is getting boring. Oh well, time to watch reality TV and take it seriously...

Virginia is the first state that is no longer happy assaulting women metaphorically ONLY.

Why are all of these politicians so mad women's genitals? They have been GREAT to me! I recommend them highly.


Dear priests, preachers etc. The religion DOESN'T belong to YOU. Stop thinking that church is a buffet for your ego.


Sunday, March 11, 2012

So, a "Beef and beer" ISN'T when you get it on with someone and then immediately drink beer? FALSE...ADVERTISING! Hand me my pants please...

You know that person that says bad stuff about your boyfriend/girlfriend when you know better? Fuck that person! But keep it a secret. ;-)

I robocall myself.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Saw a teenage couple walking down the street and the boy had his hand on the girl's butt. My first thought was "Boy, get your hand off of that girl's ass!" I'm getting old...

Dude, why are you washing those plastic utensils? Am I going to see condoms on your clothesline too? Also, you have a freaking clothesline?

I wish that someone would make a movie about a semi attractive, lovable loser. There have been so few of them.

My hairstylist wants to blow me. I think that he's gay, but I'm not sure. Yup, he blew me. Gay.

We're losing our best stalkers because of internet heavy, sedentary lifestyles. HIDE IN TREES AND RUB ONE OUT LIKE THE OLD DAYS LOSERS!

Friday, March 9, 2012

Breaking Fake News! Rush Limbaugh lights himself on fire and runs in a circle yelling "Look at me!" Film at 11!

Women deserve EQUAL pay, respect and power in this world. It's only right....also misogyny is hard to spell, so don't make me have to do it.

If you yell at each other loud enough for me to hear you in MY house, after the fight is over, I'm putting a scorecard under YOUR door.

I'm going to start wearing skinny jeans because much like with can goods, I like my embolisms in bulk.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Those who approach you online to attack and NOT to discuss amuse me. That behavior in real life usually leads to ass whippings or arrests.

Those who approach you online to attack and NOT to discuss amuse me. That behavior in real life usually leads to ass whippings or arrests.

Troglodytes, boobs are for feeding babies, so leave women breastfeeding alone! Also, let cute black comics slurp the other boob WITHOUT staring. Thanks.

As soon as weed is legal I'm going to smoke TWICE as much as I do now.
0 X 2 = 0. (I'm not smoking that shit. Vagina is MY drug of choice!)

If you eat a prune danish a Mohel will jump out of the bushes and circumcise you. After the 6th time, I noticed a pattern...

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

In politics, "Front runner" is a euphemism for "Become an arrogant schmuck that doubles down on ridiculous ideas".

"You don't have to remix EVERY song, okay?"
- ANYONE over 15 that listens to radio

5 New Orleans Saints just tried to kick my ass. Yes, "Tried". I'm lucky that the check from their coach bounced.

Instead of using condoms, guys have to get kicked in the nuts twice? C'mon Virginia, NOW you've gone TOO FAR!

Hey, this ass isn't going to kiss itself! Whoa! How did it do THAT!? I have one talented and flexible ass! Yeah, I'm better than YOU!

I eat my "Angry Birds" BAKED instead of fried. It's healthier, also that game sucks and I want it to stop.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

This JUST in......

You can LOVE someone and not LIKE them at the same time.

Film at 11.

I need a NEW girlfriend, licking this pillow for 60 minutes at a time isn't fun anymore.

Shhhh, I'm sneaking these bedbugs out of the hotel. Ha ha! FREE bed bugs! Suckers!

I love overconfident guys with glass jaws, no balls and big mouths. Knocking them the hell out is so easy.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Coffee that tastes like a woman after a shower would make BILLIONS... unless she uses deodorant soap, then that shit would suck.

"Really? Really?"
- the person losing the argument badly

If people go on a long rants and forget what they were about, I tell them "Eastern Philosophy"...then their heads explode like in Scanners.

Okay, we know that you're throwing the election now Mr Santorum. Either that or you're just nuts. Huh? This is the SAME guy that got blown out of office in PA in 2006? Oh, then he is nuts.

Dear Mr Santorum, go suck something that rhymes with the shortened version of your first name.

If you fuck a black person it doesn't mean you're NOT racist. I did your mom and it DOESN'T mean that I'm blind or lost my sense of smell.

I know that good things are happening for me when the cheating ex calls, I know things are even better when I don't care. Things are great.

Who cares if a woman has a bunch of tattoos? When she's handcuffed to the headboard and covered in baking soda, who's gonna see them?

Damn girl, do you pick the guys you date by thumbing through the prisoner photos on the wall of the liquor store?

Oh yeah Mr Limbaugh, well then we want to see tapes of YOU having se.... never mind, I'll just buy ipecac syrup.

Ever fail to open a jar, have the woman do it, realize she's stronger than you and make you her love slave? Uh, anyone into role playing?

Dear people that haven't noticed that I tend to post jokes and other weirdness....stop taking this shit LITERALLY!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Aren't football players ALREADY paid to fuck people up?

New Champ Rhonda Rousey = OW! + YUM!

Ladies, men have nipples, get to slurping.

Thanks in advance, your friend and hopefully your nipple slurpee,

S. Anthony

I have to get up at 6:30 am to workout tomorrow. I will never let myself get out of shape again. Sacrificing my morning "peeping at the hot neighbor through partially closed blinds" ritual takes real discipline. You should be proud of me.

Um officer, instead of hiding behind that tree to catch people doing rolling stops, go 3 blocks north where there is a bar that gives out Kevlar vests at the front door.

So, according to this commercial, you have to bang your xfinity technician to get cable? Nah, that's cool. I don't even live here.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

I have an ipad 17. Yeah, I'm better than YOU.

The NFL has had a bounty on our wallets for years. Mine gets roughed up every September!

If Rush apologized to everyone that he should, he'd have to retire before he finished. And I'd be okay with that.

"I will ALSO stop supporting Rush Limbaugh."
- Satan

Dudes STOP hitting on famous ladies, it won't help. You don't see me saying how delicious & awesome Serena Williams is do you? Exactly.

Jesus DOESN'T pick sides in fights. Yes I'm sure. He's right here and he wouldn't put any money I know he doesn't pick sides.

Friday, March 2, 2012

I've been putting an aspirin between my balls....I am now the father of 70 kids.

Dear famous people, drugs are BAD. You're welcome.

Titties are for feeding babies, so let women breastfeed and grow up. FYI, I'm a big fan of their off label uses AKA "slurpies & squeezies".

Guess who's NOT going to hell. ME, because I said so. See how easy that was.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Give you the...FILM? I was following you down the street and taking pictures of your butt with a DIGITAL camera. You're weird lady.

I just had unmarried sex with a bi-sexual Buddhist who uses the pill, was born in ANOTHER country & has a Muslim step dad. Suck it Santorum!

Dear Mr Limbaugh, calling a woman slut is mean. You wouldn't want people to think you spout stupid & mean spirited things all the time. Oh. people...get married. The only reason what they do bothers because you choose to obsess about it. Live YOUR life!

Wait, you'll scan my computer for free? Yay! I love badly acted and produced commercials! And they are ALWAYS from trustworthy companies!

Remove ALL racists from the bench, and I don't like how that dude on the couch is looking at me either.

I'm pulling pranks on people NOW! I want them to know that I'M NOT SOMEONE TO MESS WITH next month (April) on the first. Yeah, I'm the man!