Expect NOTHING from OTHERS and EVERYTHING from YOURSELF. Your life is now better than It was 7 seconds ago. You're welcome.

If I marry a famous lady and people call me Mr. (Her last name) to bother me...I will go home, laugh at you, then bang her in my Bugatti.


NEVER allow another person define you or your worth.

Why?

I talked to EVERYONE and they genuinely think you're a huge piece of shit.


"Choose happiness. Yeah, choose happiness because, huh? There IS wine!?! Oh well then I guess happiness just chose ME!"

- Drunk people


I have an Easter Bunny that actually shits Hershey®'s Kisses®!
THANKS MONSANTO!

I just married two gay dudes, take THAT supreme court!

Have a few gray hairs isn't a death sentence...unless not being able to sleep with hot you women is a death sentence. Yeah, it kinda is huh?

No no no! We said support BACKGROUND CHECKS, not stand in the background and take checks! Congress must be hard of hearing...

I do my podcasts bottomless. Yeah, that's why they make you happy. Even though you didn't know that, you felt something great was happening.

Your mom has that new car smell. Guess why? I'll give you a hint...I got it on with her in her new car. I'm bad with hints...

Walk up to a stranger and slowly whisper, "Your ear wax smells yummy..."
FUN! (Also...RUN!)

I just sewed a rip in my shirt collar with my testicle hair and now random women stop me on the street to tell me they love my cologne.

When cats fight in my backyard, I trash talk the loser. "Yeah, that's what you get for chewing up my trash bags...PUSSY!"

Let's see who can grow the longest nose hair! Starting....
NOW!


A grown man hiding from a two year old so he can enjoy his last cookie without hearing begging and crying....

Wow. Well, finished my cookie. Ha! None for you kid.
#realman

Sometimes, the smartest people are the ones that know when to quit. I'm pretty good at knowing when to quit something. If you want MY advice on when to quit, please buy my advice series on Hi quality 8 track tape...

A friend just told me that he hates pizza. He's dead to me....

Dear cute kids that behave, nice try. You're fooling no one.

"Save the last dance for me." - Dudes who will be waiting at the bar alone as the lady goes home with and bangs someone else

“Using “God” as an excuse for being a bigot….is not cool.”
— Normal people

I'm waiting for Tyler Perry and Donald Trump to do battle in a "Name Things after Myself off". The winner gets to name the trophy...after himself.

I would NEVER stand in the street over someone ELSE'S marriage...unless it would help ME marry Serena Williams. Then I'd protest all DAY!


"Whoa! Why are you asking US about Marriage Equality? We just pick Presidents!"
- Supreme Court


"You've been driving 'round town with the girl I love and I just shot yooooooou!"
Cee Lo sees your ass through a scope

Before you continue, why would I want a rat's ass? That makes no sense. No...explain why I'd want you to give me a rat's ass? Weirdo!

Dear billionaires running for President....WHY?

That's like Ron Jeremy getting enlargement surgery!

That's like ME getting even cuter!

I don't tweet for popularity, or money, or stars or RT's...
I tweet in that vacuum for the sheer joy of knowing I'm an undiscovered genius.


"Don't say anything, but this "Blacks only" water fountain tastes better... I mean how would I know?"
- Dude who talks too much circa 1955

Oh! NOW I understand the law of diminishing returns! Yup, they were so right about that!


I trick people with bait and switch and switch back. Oh, wait.


"This is getting old!"
- A dumb guy 5 seconds before being knocked out by his wife for pointing at her while saying that

I need a new marketing team. The sales of my "Armpit hair extender for Women" just won't take off...


"Breaking NEWS! President Obama was born on MARS!"
- Dumbasses

I rubbed my "Stuff" on the copier before you copied your butt so, we kinda "Did it". I'm the best huh? Yeah, you know it. Ready for round 2?

Do they STILL make "Card Tables"? There are some people coming to dinner that I don't like... and I want them to know that I don't like them.


Just remember son, even though you are among thousands of people...not one of them gives a crap about you. So screw them.
- Advice from a bad parent...


Expecting OTHERS to care is HILARIOUS...well not THAT, the look on your face when they inevitably walk over you is HILARIOUS!
- Bad dad

Forget what I've been saying all these years...and just give him some booty!
- Fed up mom

Anyone that shoots a baby should be set on fire and thrown off of a skyscraper. Yeah, I said it.

How crazy does your family have to be before you can openly disown them? I mean really openly, like "I know we look alike, have the same last name, are in several childhood pictures together...but I DON'T know this bastard!"

In my old neighborhood crimes have gone down, but incidences of people getting walked into by "smartphone drunk" teens is up 9,000,000%.

March Madness.
Basketball Tournament or...
.... me trying to get three 5 year old cousins out of Toys R Us?

Well?

Dear 20 year olds that are flirting with me....WHERE WERE YOU BEFORE I HAD TOO MUCH MORAL STRENGTH TO BANG YOU!?! Damn it!


I'ma show YOOOOOU how great I am....right after this nap.

Women think it's charming when I call their boob sweat "Titty Gravy".
 I must be cute...

A real man motorboats butt cheeks too.

You gave me a FORK with my chili? WHAT AM I AN ANIMAL!?!

"Karaoke" is Japanese for "I'm trying to make you kill me in public"


Answer: "I can't believe it's not butter"
Question: "Okay, if you're to lazy to go to the store for lube what are you going to use?"

Do we have to monetize EVERYTHING? Stop being so...
(Click Paypal link, donate and the rest of S. Anthony's rant will be emailed to you)

Remember when people actually gave a shit? Neither do I.

To wonder about the meaning of life, you have to first think life has meaning....
Okay, who put weird stuff in my drink?

Remember when being a pretty white girl/teen in Hollywood was a GOOD thing? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU LADIES!?! Damn! Calm the fuck down!

Ladies....
Stretch Marks just tell me where to lick you first.
(A REAL MAN speaks)

Dear politicians, how about getting on the right side of a social issue BEFORE you have a personal experience with it? You know, like we do.


Yes, I remember you. Why do you think I have my gun with me?

Why is everyone going so crazy about the Genetically altered foods? So what?
*Gets in shower and washes newly developed prehensile tail*

"I just took a shit that looks like Glenn Beck."
-Barack Obama (should have said)

I'm tired of having to change my life to accommodate assholes.

Who's Vice Pope? I mean, Is THAT job still open?

When push comes to shove....I have an orgasm and then go to sleep.

When a TSA agent is patting you down...DON'T grab the back of their heads, thrust forward and say "Yeah, take it ALL!" Also, tasers hurt.

To hell with doing it after I'm dead! Appreciate my ass NOW!

...and if you order NOW, we put you on a special list of stupid people with no impulse control and too much disposable income!

Guns don't kill people, my car does...so....GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY I'M IN A HURRY!!!!!!!!

Go hard or go home... then get hard again and go for yourself.

If I could tap into the strength that mom's get when they pick up cars off of their kids...let's just say I wouldn't wait in line anymore.

Male Prostitutes' balls are buy one get one free.

Movies are NOT lies! I ALWAYS dispense life improving advice to my white friends, then disappear into a ray of sun as I walk away.

"Hi Congress, here's your seats, we've been waiting for you!"
- The wrong side of History finally greets it's highly anticipated guests

**********

America has spoken. It doesn't like YOU. It loves ME though.


"No one really gives a shit about what you have to say."
- S. Anthony gives a super short social media talk

Would it be okay to bang you because you're Irish?

Is there a pain killer that stops headaches caused by being around idiots?

The valet was weird. What kind of Name is "Imma Kartheif"? Wait a minute...

"Yeah, I do charity work... can I have some ass now?" is not going to be as effective as my dating coach says. I want my $200 back!

An apple a day, keeps the doctor away. True. (Full disclosure, I hit my doctor in the face with an apple)

Psy does the Harlem Shake and explodes. Film at 11!

That was fun! Who gets to be Pope tomorrow?

NEW Pope arrives...Google Reader leaves....and I've NEVER seen them in the same place. Hmmm....

NOW "Stars" are DIVING!?! How far away are we from a show called "Throw sharp objects at the FORMERLY famous!"?

Dear commercial people, NEVER use a cover of a James Brown song...EVER! Real JB only. These other people sound like trash juice smells, bad.

I no longer have HIGH blood pressure because my blood pressure is in rehab. Wait, what?


I'm thinking of stuffing socks in my pants....because I date women who like my genitals to smell like feet. NO YOU'RE SICK!

If people don't like "NEW Pope", does that mean we have to go back to "Old Pope"? I mean, did we learn NOTHING from Coca Cola?


I wonder if the NEW Pope will be an old guy that doesn't like gay people?....nah. That could never happen.

"Do you fools know how much money you owe? You'd better take ANY job you can get!"

- S. Anthony gives a commencement address

I've decided AGAINST the ball reduction. I'm so awesome...they'd just grow again.

The ONLY thing BETTER than chocolate pudding is chocolate pudding on the titties of the one you love. Or a cheese steak on 'em #phillyraised

Dear dopeboy laughing at the "corny" guy going to his "square" job, he'll have a 30th birthday party....you WON'T. Jokes on YOU moron.


Please Kanye....block that smoke stack in Rome...Pleeeeeze.....

If I was eating spaghetti and it slapped ME...I'd kick it's ass. I'm no wimp like those people in the Tums commercial. #toughguy

Rock cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock smashes scissors, Adulthood beats using this game to make decisions.


The "truth" will set you free! Yeah, I call mine "The truth". Also, "Mr Happy Meat".
STOP LAUGHING AT ME! Oh, wait...that was the idea...

Did YOU know that we All start out biologically FEMALE? Well, I guess that explains why I can't stop rubbing my own yummy ass.


Women LIKE it when you lay on top of them, smell them and say "Yum!"

They LOVE when you ask first....

...and if you're NOT at a funeral.

I think from now on, I'll do THIS...

My cup of tea called me the "N" word.

Bill O'Reilly would get his ass whipped DAILY in my old neighborhood. Also, my CURRENT one...FYI, there's middle class white people here.


There should be driving classes for people who don't understand the concept of "Hydroplaning".

....and if a SECOND course is required....

STUN GUN TIME.

**********

Don't pick your teeth with bills that you're giving me. If you do...you're not going to like what I do to MY hands before I shake YOURS.


I have yet to meet a woman that fights getting licked. Try it.

NOT WITH A STRANGER DUMMY!

I don't know him officer...

**********

"La la la la, I don't hear you!"

- A religious family friend when I said I don't blindly follow ANYTHING and just love people as they are.

(No judgement intended, she just asked what MY prevailing thought regarding my daily treatment of people was... so I told her. I don't care what a person's religion is. Be good to me, be good to people, and you're cool with me.)

Me tied down + a sweaty Jillian Michaels sitting on my chest and yelling at me + it happening every night
 = YES PLEASE!

I'm going to talk in 50's slang from now on... because I want to be avoided by people.


Guy 1: "I look better than I did when I was in my 20's!"

Guy 2" "Damn, you must have been a huge mess!"
#not the right response

North Korea, just sit down, eat your pudding and stop throwing tantrums or we'll turn this car around right now!


NEVER tell a woman you're dating that she looks good holding a baby...unless you're ready to make one with her.

...unless you want your ass whipped. (and I don't mean in the GOOD way)

I don't take rejection personally. My friend Mr Baseball Bat however...

I cannot tell a lie, I chopped down this cherry tree...*grabs ax again* Why lie? It's not like you're going to be able to tell on me...

Me: This soccer game is great!

My friend: Yeah, I stopped playing because I couldn't keep taking all those balls in the face.

Me: (Guess)

**********

Why hate another person's success? Just wait for it to all crash down on them...THEN laugh at the *bastid! (*bastard with East Coast accent)

Nothing tastes better than your woman after a shower. Yeah, YOUR woman.

Dear extremist congressmen, show me on the congressional page's genitals what you won't admit to wanting to do to the other page's genitals.

Hey Lakes, you're not so great. Oh alright, you can keep calling yourself that...but I'd better see some improvement!

Dear women's butts, thanks for feeling like that.

Just went to a Burger King, there wasn't one semi attractive, badly dressed person dancing badly....because....YOUR COMMERCIALS ARE LIES!!

Dennis Rodman just came in. He says he visited my ex and I should call her and try to get back with her. TAKE YOUR ASS BACK TO N. Korea!! You can't make me take her back damn it! NOOOOOOOO!

"Oh my lord! This woman just grabbed my butt."
- Things I'll be saying in a minute...right after I back into this woman's hand on purpose

Dance like there's no tomorrow...because I'm about to shoot you.


I want to be the FIRST BLACK #bachelor. Bwahahahaha! Just kidding. I can actually get women WITHOUT a reality show.

 ...I need a girlfriend

People who dropped out of the College of Cardinals BEFORE voting for pope must be pissed. Also, their parents who paid for Cardinal College.


Sequester:
People in Congress treating the American public the same way teenagers treat the characters in the video game Vice city

I just put my junk in a roll from Subway.

The rolls really are 12 inches long.

 FYI, those two sentences have nothing to do with each other.

************

Why don't I act "Thirsty" (begging women for attention in an embarrassing way)? It's probably the whole "Access to ACTUAL vaginas" thing...

Congress is confusing, I mean all of the old white guys I know AREN'T crazy. There must be something in the water in DC. (Yeah, cash)

Sunday blows worse than Monday. Thursday does anal.

***********

Religious? Me? Nope.

Default feeling for people...positive? Me? Yup.

Willing to waste time? Me? Nope.

Making a huge change? Me?



YUP.

I like hot water, so I don't mind doing things that put me in it.

From now on, I'm going to keep my tweets clean & respectful. Bwahahaha! Yeah right! Well, gotta go lick pudding out of this lady's armpits.

“We will NOT be mocked! That’s why we sued!”
 - People with bad circulation announce their lawsuit against the Blue Man Group

"Funny...we can do hair transplants that look real but we still can't make a mouth that doesn't look like the joker" - Hollywood Doctors

Just had sex with a black widow spider...and I'm alive....and got that number. Yeah, I'm the man!