MY NEW name? S. Anthony DOGG. Well, it's available NOW isn't it!?!

I hate the effect that a woman's butt in shorts has on me. But since I can't do anything about it....
Come here girl, it's slurping time!

Dear hot lady that wouldn't give me a look until I stopped caring, THEN started to be all over me...ALL is forgiven and I will now bang you.

"Dr Dre" changes his name to "Neurosurgeon Dre" and will now concentrate on classical music. Which star will change next? Film at 11!


Kanye West changes his name to....Kanye West. C'mon, you knew THAT was coming, didn't you? :)

I'm THINKING of going on one of these daytime talk shows. No, I'm not cheating on anyone. I am not in a paternity dispute. I am not in trouble with the law. I just for ONCE want to see an INTELLIGENT, WELL SPOKEN AND RESPECTABLE African American on those shows!

I do however hope that... DAT BIT*H that be saying that I'm the baby daddy don't show up. That's why I have a tattoo on my forehead that says "NOT the daddy B*TCH!" Yeah! And when they say it....I've got this new dance I'm gonna do called "In yo face b*tch!" Yeah and....

I mean, Uh...I want to discuss string theory. Yeah That's it...

**********

S. Anthony says... (Food edition)
Eatin’ good…feelin’ good.

Hey, is that a cigarette?

(Just kidding I don’t smoke. I spend all of my money on hookers and crack)

Dudes, if they're not BASKETBALL shorts...NO. S. Anthony has spoken.

Dear people that cheat, it didn't JUST HAPPEN. Moist aroused genitals DON'T connect by accident. Huh? They DO!?! Oh, where's your sister?

I remember something my grandpa said before he died. He'd leave the bathroom and say "I feel lighter now!" That's when we shot him.

How small do your testicles have to be to troll the amazon.com product review page? Need attention THAT much? #micronuts #losers

Dear female beach volleyball players, you are brilliant and impressive athletes....also, please marry and make babies with me.

Old car. Romney bumper sticker. Hahahahahaha. That is all.

20 minutes per nipple. Yes ladies, that's the answer to the question that you wanted to ask me, but didn't.... ;


It begins...
Eating healthy again is pretty cool. Okay, I did put barbecue sauce on the next door neighbor’s cat…
…but I had a salad INSTEAD. Yup. YAY ME!!


I LOVE what Romney said about defending Israel because he ALWAYS sticks to what he says.

How many of you only watch female gymnastics after you find out that the athlete is OVER 18 and turn the channel if they aren't?

ME. THIS. Deal with it!

S. Anthony says…(A touching moment with S. Anthony)
REAL friends are hard to find, that’s why I place a little flag in the ground to mark where I’ve buried them.
When I say that the LAST slice of pizza in MINE…I MEAN IT!!!!


I’m going to start a vegetable based diet on Sunday. I apologize in advance for drop kicking the first person that pisses me off.

"Hahahahahahahahahaha! Nice try!"
- The Chinese watching the Opening Ceremony in London

Did J.K. Rowling direct this? #opening ceremony #Olympics


Mr Bean at the Olympics? Okay. Next time it's in American...let's have Larry the cable guy do some standup. Yeah, I said it! #olympics

"Tryna make a dollar outta 15 cents!"
- People who are really bad at investing

"Who's apartment is THIS?" - Mitt Romney visits Buckingham Palace

Old rich guys fighting while trying to sound cordial is funny.

I was wondering why the guy that was against the AA place moving next to him shut up...He's fucking everyone there. Plagiarist, I was gonna!

If cable news is allowed to lie, I should get to use counterfeit money from now on...and I had better not hear a damned thing about it!

If only there was an alarm that went off when assholes come into the room.

Mitt Romney arrives in London and as a tribute hundreds of newborns were named "Tosser" and "Wanker". Film at 11!


"Obama is ackblay, so don't vote for him."
- Romney goes after the Pig Latin vote

Dear famous people, people read your tweets. You're welcome...dumbasses.

Was talking to my mom on THE PHONE and she just ASSUMED that I'm BLACK. Hello...THE PHONE. RACIST!

A guy who isn't funny but tries to be and a guy who's hilarious while trying to be serious. That's who I'm stuck next to. Nooooo!!!!!


Him: "...uh...I love you..."

Her: "uh...thanks..."

Him: *in his head* "I am so banging that friend of yours that hit on me now..."

Ironically I've had SEVERAL fantasies about Janet Jackson angrily grabbing my CELLPHONE....and by CELLPHONE I mean my erect penis.

*flips coin, it's tails* "Well, time to say something stupid!" - Mike Huckabee

If marketing doesn't work, why does it sell better as "Fruit Salad" than it did under it's original name "Overpriced fruit for dumbasses", well?

Being a dick ISN'T a Christian value. Write that down everyone.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a toilet so clogged that you can't flush your stash...run meth head! Run!

Sunday without football is that friend you only like when he comes with your REAL friend, but he doesn't know not to show up without him.

Dear twitter, I wanted to add my location to this tweet, but when I checked the location options, "on top of your mom " wasn't there.

News anchors are more lazy than the average five year old after three hours of shopping for things that aren't for THEM.


...and kids what have we learned from old sitcoms (Three's Company)?
*as a group* "Homophobia is only funny when Norman Fell does it!"

"Yo mama dirty, thought you should know, before I hit that thang I take a double dose of Cipro!"
 - Bad 90's rapper who's now a pharmacist at Rite Aid


21 treated for burns for walking on hot coals after Tony Robbins event....
...so is the catch an arrow with your mouth thing cancelled?

I will NEVER pay for twitter followers. I can barely feed the ones that I kidnapped....uh said someone that ISN'T me...

NO...MORE...FAME for these asshole shooters! NO MORE FAME FOR THEM! Give them medical attention AND OR JAIL, NOT FAME DAMMIT!

I only get it on with myself when I'm sober. I want me to remember how great I was. You can't lie to yourself. Yeah, I'm awesome. Jealous?

I want a Stunt me to do all of the shit in my life that I hate. That will leave nothing but sex, sleeping and telling jokes to me! Yay!


First braces and now....You're on your period!?! This vacation is going to stink! Can I at least have a Fred Willard?
 (You know it's going to happen)

Fred Willard, you did know that being on TV will get OTHER people to yank you off, right? Well, NOW you do.
Also, "HaHa!" - Pee Wee Herman

I just looked at my picture. I'm pretty cute.

…is thinking of becoming a vegetarian. Yup.

I DON'T go to church. If that's a problem, we can't date.

There are a lot of dumbasses in the world...

One man. One vote....huh? MY vote DOESN'T count? Really? I'm an INDEPENDENT! Oh, it DOES count. COOL! Yeah, that's an Obama sticker...why?

Whoever broke into my house, stole my password and bookmarked "Asian armpit lickers"....I'm onto you. You're sick...and you're NOT ME!

Dear young cousin that convinced me to finally play Angry Birds....DAMN YOU! You have ruined me! You're getting NOTHING for your birthday!

Will I have to put a Stop sign on my ears to stop you from running your mouth?
 - What I think sometimes, but don't say

Following Mitt Romney's "Retroactive Retirement from Bain" I'm "Retroactively UNfucking my ex girlfriend" I regret my time there too...

Is handcuffing women to the headboard and licking them for hours STILL a thing? Asking for a friend...who's selling me some new handcuffs...

Try? Why?

*********

You think you had a hard day?

Really?

Not compared to mine. I'll explain. Did you tell a friend NOT to buy cotton running shorts because you made the same mistake years ago...and had a bad chaffing problem?

Did you then have him say "Shut up man, I know what I'm doing"?

Did you have the same friend show up at your house two days later walking funny, ask him why, and have him tell you about the A+D ointment on his dick?

Did you have to try to NOT laugh at his sore junk having ass?

YOUR day was NOT hard.

*********

Is it wrong to clean off the bottom of your shoes on fallen doubters?

Don’t care, doing it anyway…

Rush Limbaugh. (Writing a joke about him is redundant, so I won't waste my time)

Watching Reservoir Dogs on my mobile device....and I'm going to skip right to the ear cutting scene. DON'T MESS WITH ME MAN!!!!!!

My family is putting together some money to fly in a Mitt Romney to fire people and then not admit it. Yup.

PITA BREAD sues PETA, then taunts the group by making sandwiches of itself filled with several different kinds of MEAT. Film @11


Congress votes to repeal President Obama's melanin tomorrow at 4:30. Watch the vote live!

"I'll do BETTER for the African American community than the President. Hahahaha! Sorry, tried to say it with a straight face"
 - Mitt Romney

SUBWAY® to replace Avocado topping with a new Higgs Boson and garlic spread.  You CAN'T see it, but it sure tastes GREAT! (July only)

HEY! The All Star Game! Yeah! *smirks, turns off TV and goes to Netflix*

I want to smack a relationship self help author over the head with a fitness self help author.

Honey Nut Cheerios was my stripper name...then some large company took it. Bastards!!!

In honor of all sports having an all star game, I'm going to stop in the middle of all activities to perform a meaningless version of them.

Kids, don't run with your tablet computer while using your simulated scissor app!

If I call a woman "Nnnngurllllah!', and she knows immediately that I'm referencing Al B Sure!... she'd better not try to lie about her age.

It's been 5 minutes, could someone give me an update on the romantic lives of some teenage celebrities please?

A lady got mad at me because I wouldn't sleep with her without a blood test (I ask EVERYONE). Too bad. ♪Just another MEATLESS Monday♪...

To the lady who's pissed that I won't do her without the blood test, calling me gay isn't insulting, I don't think that being gay is wrong. Your statement is just inaccurate, much like my initial assessment of your character...

*Chris Rock tweets joke*

“What!?! *curse, tell him to leave country etc.*”

 30 MILLION people don’t have healthcare

*crickets*

Yeah, priorities…

*****

I just saw a woman with a big juicy ass in shorts so tight and short that it offended... ME!
My penis wrote the dissent but was outvoted.

The more sex I get in a relationship, the happier I am. Weird huh?

Dates and web pages are the same, If I like you and decide to click on you, you'd better not redirect me to someplace else...


Types of lady flirting:

1) I'll flirt with you just because you're a guy

2) Not bad, I might give you some

3) Hammer me NOW!

The please touch museum is NOT what you think. Sorry lady.

I get it, YOU two do it and it's cool. I turn my hat backwards and sag my pants and it's "C'mon Unc, you're embarrassing us!" Racists! Huh?

Foursquare. No. That is all.

THIS.

We should rename "wife beater" tee shirts, If you touch my sister I'll pull your nuts off via your eye hole" shirts. Why? Think about it...

I have an unquenchable fetish for ALL female body parts, so I guess to keep it simple,  I'll just say that I want to get it on with you.

That "nerd" "cornball" has a better chance of being successful than the drug boy you're fucking...also, he'll still be alive at 30. Ya dig?

When using an app to track your calories and exercise, you can't enter "None of your business you're just a fucking computer" Now you know.

Anderson Cooper...gay.
S. Anthony Thomas...black.
Water...wet.
Can we move on now?

Breaking News! S. Anthony admits to loving women's delicious asses. Film at 6 & 11!

Time machine + condoms + the two ladies on WKRP + me = yay!

Americans for Prosperity (just not YOURS dumbasses) - The day after a truth in parenthesis law passes

Dear beautiful Asian woman on the trapeze wearing the Spider-man outfit, I ALREADY love you MORE that I could ever love the movie.

Anyone else watch the women's swimming trials bottomless? I mean...I don't. I was asking about YOUR habits. YES I WAS!


"Fuck cats and anyone who likes them! In fact, fuck the play "Cats" too!"
- Guy who NEVER wants to get laid in his life