The S. Man Sayeth...

Some have a radiant inner beauty, some have devastating physical beauty. The rest of us don't like these people (Unless WE'RE screwing them)

DON'T tell me the story of your life in REAL TIME! You know who you are! (Old friend from high school that I ran into in the parking lot)

I keep having this fantasy about making passionate love with Jillian Michaels and having her yell at me for "More reps" am I weird?

It's the "Maury" Povich show, not the "Murray" Povich show. The man has been on TV for 30 years!!!! That is all.

Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock smashes scissors, real life ass whipping beats cyber bullying.

Would winning the powerball change me? Well, I already roam the streets bottomless with my middle finger up screaming f*ck you!...so...no.

Julia Louis Dreyfus is 10 times hotter now than when she was younger. How the hell did she do that? I'm asking for YOU..not me.

The S. Man Says...

I have never had a bad day that included an orgasm....except that time when the cops...nevermind.

I'd rather have a skin tag than wear a name tag.

Public housing, public transportation, public restrooms...I guess "Public" means "Things that smell like piss"

Imagine how much money NOAH could make as a professional closet organizer.

"Bio-oil" sounds like a euphemism for semen.

If anyone finds the person that had the appetite that was used to determine "one serving"...tell them to get "Gulliver's" autograph for me.

It should be called Baby "Watching" not Baby "Sitting". I'm not going to explain why...but, well I won't be asked to do it again.

I'm going to add a new phrase to the language... "Liberty Bell-ing" That's what I call it when you stare at the crack of someone's ass.

I'm thinking...there would be even less people willing to fill out the form if it was called the "Common Census" #soundalikehumor

I have found a happy medium between loving everyone AND not really giving a crap. Jealous?... Thought so.

The S. Man Says...

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The S.Man Speaketh...

If it's Sunday morning and I wake up with underwear on...Saturday night sucked.

I'd rather watch an exercise infomercial than the Sunday talking head shows. They're both full of lies but at least the former has hotties.

Politicians are so stuck on their labels. How about earning these labels? "Compassionate" "Trustworthy" or "Human" Call me when you do.

I'm holding in my flatulence to celebrate "Ozone Hour"

I don't know what feels better, being deep inside a beautiful woman or afterward when she says "Put away your wallet, this ones a freebie"

I bought some lead from china and there were some toys in it. #dyslexicexploitedchildlabor

Don't abuse your kids, write down all of the effed up things they do...wait until they're... 18...THEN kick their asses!

Americas Funniest Home Videos? Really? It's like having your grandpa pick, describe and discuss everything you see on YouTube. Hail naw!!!

The romantic music captivated us. I saw her, she saw me...our eyes locked...and at that moment we knew. We both had Bell's palsy.

S. Anthony Says...

I'm allergic to the hamster wheel that we call everyday life. Anyone have an EpiPen®? Nevermind, I've got one.

On the Friday after next Thanksgiving I'm going to start selling "I hate my Family" Tee shirts. I'm gonna be rich beeyaaatach!!!!

I'm taking an online study course. Which one you ask? It's called "Hot lesbian neighbor on a secret bedroom cam" I'm gonna get an A+

I'm not walking past that women's gym again. That last time...I was gang blown. Never again. They'd better give up some booty next time.

I'm thinking of breaking my Earth Hour into three 20min chunks until I can work my way up to an hour. I don't want to pull a muscle.

After Earth hour, I'm going to participate in "Moon Minute". (Full disclosure, I just want an excuse to show strangers my ass. Shhh!)

Man it's good to be home...what the?...the house is still here? Damned discount arsonist!

If you buy a product, they try to sell you the extras. I bought a pin hole camera and they tried to sell me lotion and tissues.

Pitbulls...for when you don't have enough money to buy an SUV to compensate for your small penis. (Take that a-hole neighbor!!!!!)

The S. Man Says...

You can make love "Doggie style", why can't you clean yourself "Doggie style?". Besides what I do with my tongue and my junk is my business!

Why is there a picture of my zest for life on the side of this milk carton? Oh.

I'm just saying, if I hand deliver mail...I'm performing the same function as a stamp so it's not wrong for me to asked to be licked too!

I'm high on "Life"...talk about an embarrassing placebo effect. I should have known something was up. Weed is not cinnamon on one side.

Officer, I wasn't threatening that driver. I just forgot that I was holding my gun when I was making hand signals...at his house...at night.

I'm going to start acting crazy in public NOW to set up my future insanity defense. There are too many relatives at the house. For now.

I told my doctor that I was having trouble peeing. I spent all of that money just to be told to remove the rubber bands. I feel kinda silly.

Her: Before we sleep together, take a blood test. Him: Your mother is disease free right?...Well if she's clean I am. Her: *pulls out gun*

The S. Man Says...

Oh, now I get it! It's our money, our car...but YOUR tampons! Selfish!

If you're dating a drug mule, it's easier to get Anal. Just point to your junk and say "At least it's not bags of heroin!" Uh, I'm told.

I'm thinking of making the toxic mold in my attic pay rent.

House Democratic leaders are getting treated like Black people were treated during the civil rights era. Ugly then, ugly now.

My cosmetic testicle lift was a disaster, the nipples are uneven. Wait, what? Well, at least I can have an undefeated bar bet career.

How presumptuous of you Dunkin' Donuts® using the name of your company to tell me how to eat. I WILL DUNK WHEN I CHOOSE! I have spoken!!!

My last girlfriends carpet matched her drapes...if you know what I mean. They were usually unwashed and easily visible by the neighbor when the door was open.

S. Anthony Says...

Don't borrow money from the homeless if you can't repay. They will sit outside your house and wait for you. What else do they have to do?

They say that you gain 1 inch of penis for every 35 pounds that you lose...and thus the reason for the spike in male anorexia is explained.

The Three Stooges were probably right. If only we could solve our problems with a few pimp slaps and a couple pies to the face....

Why do I love the new Healthcare bill? One of the add-ons makes it legal to drop kick strangers that say "Nice weather we're having"

Yo mama jokes to start a fight have been replaced with "I have a small disagreement with you on politics/religion" "What?" *balls fist*

If your girlfriend says where is this relationship going?...always say "Hopefully the butt!" If she gets mad "just kidding" If not...Score!

If you are in the same room with someone and your genitals aren't rhythmically colliding STOP SCREAMING!#myneighborisanassholesometimes

The S. Man Sayeth...

Apparently it's bad form in Yoga class to say "Man, that looks like it tastes good!" when you're behind a lady doing "Downward facing dog"

Here's a special message from me to all Racists, Misogynists and Homophobes... F*ck You!!!!!!

Regular access to Sandra Bullock's vagina isn't good enough? If I was with her, I wouldn't know my pants size, because I'd never wear any!

This new labeling thing is great. Now hookers tell you how many calories you'll burn having sex with them. No treadmill tonight!

Yeah, I Said It!

Women always have errands for you when they see you. I remember my ex going "Get this car off of ME!" You see? "ME" Can I finish sleeping?

I don't feel like getting up to change the channel or go get new batteries. I need to get someone pregnant so the kid can do it. Ladies?

I've never actually been happy about it ending...so...time for a name change. Call it " Ahhhhhh! Whew!...more please!" It's more accurate.

No shirt, no shoes, no service? Well the jokes on you, I don't want any service. I'm just gonna sit here bottomless till my balls dry.

Why is everyone worrying about making weed legal? Do YOU know anyone that's been arrested for buying it? Didn't think so.

I use google maps street view to see where the best looking hookers are standing. Thanks Google! China...you messed up big time!

The only person happy about the Sandra Bullock mess...is the lucky fu*ker who is the next 2 sleep with her. I wish it was me. I'm faithful.

No, he didn't lick his finger and hold it up to check the wind direction. He's letting us know that he made up with his girlfriend.

The S. Man Sayeth...

Had acceleration problems last night driving my Ford home. I knew I shouldn't have parked next to those Toyota's, they're bad influences.

I can't tell the difference between this healthcare "Debate/Vote" and my 4-6 year old cousins fighting over the Nintendo Wii. Grow up!!!

I'm having an Up or Down vote on MY bills. I've secured the votes in the house to let all collectors get nothing but the answering machine.

Will Wal-Mart please make up it's mind? I was walking past it and now all black people have to go IN.

Look at these losers on TV taking credit for Windows 7. *Scoffs* I invented licking then rhythmically thrusting in a womans vagina. Yup.

The S. Man Says...

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S. Said What?...

So...when you said to play possum, you DIDN'T mean kill your cat and knock over your trash cans? You need to communicate more clearly bro.

Portion control people...portion control. Don't try to stop cold turkey. It works. I'm down to 3 hookers per week! *Pats own back*

Donate your old bluetooth headset to a homeless person talking to his/herself, it'll stop them from being stared at. Show them you care.

Nice try Jehovah's Witnesses, trying to fool me with that fake Census Form...it was a dead giveaway when that Watchtower Magazine fell out!

I know that it's been too long since I've had sex when a "Dancing with the Stars" promo comes on and I think... "Doesn't look too bad..."

S. Anthony Says...

Where are all of these hot meteorologist ladies coming from? Finally, "Nice weather we're having" can get you laid and not stared at!

Thanks to Jihad Jane, soon black guys will be watching the news and saying "It's a shame cops are roughing up that white lady"

Check the mental acuity of anyone who willingly babysits more than two 5yr olds. even if it's their kids.

Men get fluffers, I only think It's right that women have "lappers"...so, let's just say that I'm open to helping the ladies. I'm a giver.

If that's what Tiger Woods' sexts are like when he's sober...(Insert your joke here)

So....YOU need a bad reaction to a pill to get a 4 hour erection? Losers.

"Is my cellphone coverage map blocking the screen? " "No, but your big ass head is!!"

If you didn't want my mouth on your boobs, why was your window unlocked? Apology accepted...

The S. Man Sayeth...

I've got to stop watching adult films. The last woman that I slept with was freaked out by my giving a thumbs up to a non existent camera...

I don't have any "baby mama's" (sic)...but I have "baby aunties" (sic)...I think I'm doing something wrong.... ;-)

My balls are green today. (Editors Note: They're always green...but I only acknowledge it on this holiday.) Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

Paper or Plastic? #checkyourplasticsurgeonslicensemoreclosely

Have you ever high fived someone and at that moment realize that it would be best if the next thing that your hand touch be soap?

Very slick airlines....bags are free, but if you want to SIT in your seat it's $50...peeing $15 and of course landing is extra...

Any blind date that involves pre-date warnings and the word unibrow, means it's time to punch the friend that set you up in the neck.

The S. Man Sayeth...

They meant I was supposed to eat a vegetarian...DIET? Well...sorry about the confusion....and you're welcome lady...here's your panties...

I apologize now to the lady from the Geek Squad for my constant giggling every time she said that she wanted to "Check my upload speed."

When I'm in a relationship, there is usually so much fur on my tongue that I regularly get paint thrown on me by Peta activists.

"...uh, you weren't supposed to drink and THEN drive either" Said the pole to the cracked skull.....

You're supposed to WRITE with the poison pen? That...would probably have been a better idea...so I was probably wrong about dead letters...

I can't make lemonade with what life gave me....I can however grow some kick ass plants with it.

The S. Man Sayeth...

This whole "Waking up without a naked delicious woman on top of me" thing has got to stop!!

If beautiful women had kids with goofy looking guys like me, in a few generations everyone would look better. C'mon hotties...for the kids.

Texting and having sex is more dangerous than texting and driving. Especially if she owns a gun.

You can't you yell "Fire" in a movie theater and running up the aisle with a rubber gun screaming "Die die die!"...is also a no no.

I don't like "March Madness". That's what I called it when the ex stomped away talking to herself when I was proven right about something.

♫♫ I've got the music in me! I've got the music in me! I've got the music in me!♫♫ I like women to scream that instead of "Harder! Faster!"

Cross Dressing or Cross Training....I forget...which one is supposed to get you in shape?

The S. Man Sayeth...

Take a bath with your woman, it'll make you feel closer to her and she'll love it. NOT NOW! I'm in the tub with her now! She said tomorrow.

...and for voting against healthcare for American citizens....You get a free Toyota Prius!!! Enjoy A-holes!!! You deserve it, you really do!

I think I did it wrong (Daylight Saving Time)....it's next month at my house.

Why does it feel like a hostage situation whenever my family comes over?

If paint was thrown on liars and sellouts instead of fur wearers, it would look like D.C. was taken over by the Blue Man Group.

The S. Man Sayeth...

Edible panties are a waste of time. It's like having a delicious warm cupcake in front of you and wasting time licking the wrapper.

On next seasons "Most Dangerous Jobs"...Swedish cartoonist....

Kissed the girls and made them cry? Apparently, Georgie Porgie had halitosis.

If you could lick your genitals, would you? Really, you would? Well since you can't reach yours, would you do mine instead? #Badpickuplines

You were in your mom for 9 months, I was only in her for 90 minutes...but don't worry...I'll catch up to you soon! #fightingwords

I'd get laid more if roofies were cheaper. #lastthingsaidbeforeyoudecidetoendthefriendship

Even as awful as my ex was there are times...those special moments when I miss her. Who am I kidding? I just miss the guaranteed booty.

My ex girlfriends dog always dove into women's "laps". I always had to be the one who removed him. (Editor note: Dogs noses taste funny)

An iphone app that controls things in your home? I'll be watching the news to see who'll have the first "Hacked house" Hello George Orwell!