Headline:

Ann Coulter Advocates Shooting Occupy Protesters

MY response to her:

(She's running out of shocking things to say now. In two years she'll be in a 2 girls 1 cup prequel.)

Who put all of this apple juice in my arsenic!?! Frauds!

I have officially fallen in love with women with little asses too. That is all.

Gingrich/Cain 2012. Watch out ladies! If the oval office is rockin' don't come knockin'

My "on my way out" statement is much better than my "exit interview".

TicketMASTER? MASTER? Call me when you're TicketEQUAL! The BLACK man has SPOKEN!

Mr. Cain, it was a Republican that sank you NOT a Democrat. A Republican penis. Look down and you'll see the guilty party.

Wait, you DON'T get a MILF when you order a slice of pizza? Herman Cain IS A LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Could someone do my thinking for me? I'm sick of critical thinking and wanting the best for myself. Huh? Fox news is on line one? Cool!

Whoever invents boob flavored coffee...will be the worlds FIRST Trillionaire...and MY hero.

‎"What!?! You were SERIOUS with HER!?! We though that you were only OUR hoe!" - The Koch Brothers after finding out about Herman Cain's 13 year affair

It’s funny how you can LOVE a TV show, or even a person… one little change happens, like a time slot change or a move across town and you go “Eh, I’ll get to it or get to him/her”…and NEVER do. Thus my relationship with Criminal Minds and my cousin Jim.

Had sex last night. Apparently I'm still great at it. Also, hookers DO have discount cards. Next time I get a free prostate milking! Yay!

I don't like Facebook's new colonoscopy app. A little intrusive.

I have decided that I'll pee directly on my NEXT woman's butt cheeks ...and just end that "Toilet seat" argument FOREVER! Yeah, me = genius!

I don't have a strong body odor, so to fit in with the rest of you I rub myself against sleeping homeless people. Yeah, THAT'S why...

Thanks for washing my car god.

Don't worry world, I've learned not to expect much....for now.

I want to do the "fingers in my ears la la la I can't hear you" thing as an adult in a serious situation just to see people's reaction.

I just beat up a bunch of people at the return counter of Walmart over their $2.00 waffle makers.

I don't know you but I disagree with you on (insert subject), so you are an (insert childish insult & epithet) (Affirm idiocy loudly)

Forget JOGGING, my memory runs mara....marath...mar...

LINE! Oh, marathons.

I'm teaching a thong only yoga class. Kim K? Well?

*stands by a pig pen holding bread, eggs and cheese* "Your time will come..." *maniacal laughter*

WEB trolls have one inch penises...on their foreheads. THAT'S why they hide like punk asses. Also, you may now openly call them dick heads

I don't want to fight with you, but I'm looking right at "it' and it is NOT beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Stop building "it's" hopes up. "It" still just looks like a rainy Sunday. You're cruel dude.

"Did you have an "affair" with her Mr Cain, and I don't mean a party or gathering"
"You just screwed up my verbal escape hatch... a-hole!"

What's the 15th secret of fight club?
We recruit on black Friday. Tell your grandma...SHE IS IN! I love the way she bit that guard!

“So, ladies…what are your DEAL BREAKERS? (Behavioral or request type)

Butt stuff?

Prenups?

Getting relatives of yours pregnant?”
—      Some guy who isn't me

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....or some fat guy is sneaking into your house thru the chimney to sleep with your wife. Again.

Stop generalizing people. It's not cool....I should know because I'm MUCH better than ALL of YOU. Well, judging by THIS guy here...

I'm sharpening my OUTSIDE doorknob, so there will be a nice surprise for mean spirited people when it hits them in the ass on the way out.

Sam Brownback sucks. *walks to the front door to wait for old high school principal to come out of retirement and chastise me*

I love movies with a truck load of BIG stars in it. They ALWAYS turn out to be GREAT! *holds nose to keep it from extending*

I believe in evolution. The only problem I have with it, is it's propensity to go into reverse whenever "Adults" "Discuss" religion or politics. Shame.

NBA. Christmas Day. Don't have to talk to my family that day. YAY!

Have you ever seen someone get so much airbrushing that you wonder why they even needed to show up in the first place?

My sister and I were trying to decide which one of us was going to buy our uncle's TV. I have it...because I PEPPER SPRAYED THE SHIT OUT OF HER!

Judging by the uniform colors, I think Stanford should change the team name to the “Stanford Grading Pencils”

NEW Euphemism ALERT!!!! If you know someone with 2 good ideas and 60 fucked up ideas...say that they're "Ron Paul-ing"

In the eyes of a ranger, The unsuspected stranger Had better know the truth of wrong from right, 'cause the eyes of a ranger are upon you, ...

Shut up.

You know that person who shows up just to complain, can't find anything after SEVERAL tries...then CREATES something to complain about? THAT. *sigh*

Joey Greico must get laid and laid and laid.

“Ladies, please stop saying “I’ve never done THIS before”. Why?
1) We don’t care
2) We don’t believe you
3) We’ve seen film of you doing THAT online”
 — Dudes

ALL of MY Fridays are BLACK Fridays, what's the big deal? Also, where is MY low priced stuff!?!? RIPOFF!

"Hey, dude, NO ONE has teeth THAT white. I'll bet you'll have jet black hair when you're 80. Stop it" - EVERYONE with eyes

Wake up at 2am to sleep in a tent for the OPPORTUNITY to BUY shit AND AMUSE d-bag store owners exerting short term power? Me? Uh...NO.


I am too MASSIVE to EVER be LESS than anyone or anything. Tell the little voice in your head to say THAT and not the regular negative crap that it always does...and you'll see how TRUE it is by the results in your everyday life.

Also, you'll get more ACTION. Ya dig?

Thanksgiving day parade...of relatives...into my house. Where are the costumed people with ropes when I need them? pull these people out!!

The Packers are 11-0, but I'm 13-0 with your sister.

The market was like a wet t-shirt contest, but instead of water it was turkey drippings and cheese stains and instead of women...dudes.

****

Food $250
Gas driving their asses around $60

Teasing your young relatives for getting WAY too dressed up because their boyfriends/girlfriends are coming over....PRICELESS.

"Coward? ME? I've got balls as big as xy canis majoris!" - A nerd

****

Kohl's® is using Rebbeca Black's "Friday" song.

Shark jumped.

Customer lost.

FIRST LADY of the UNITED States.

THIS is Michelle Obama….FIRST LADY of the UNITED States.

You DO NOT boo this woman, she is the kind of woman, if you’re lucky, IS your boo.

Also, if you booed her, fuck you.

Deny it was racist all you want.

We (people who AREN’T racist) see you.

Too bad you can’t see yourselves.

Gentlemen start your….EVOLUTION!

Advice from the S. man (Online "LOVE")

Look, I get it. Your "brilliant" essay about world peace got 2 "likes" and some other person puts up a picture of their elbow and they get 100 "likes". It's the same on ALL social networking sites. Sorry. You have three choices if this bothers you:

1. Get the fuck over it. It's people that you don't know pushing a button on their computer, NOT a referendum on your worth as a person.
2. Genuinely not giving a shit and just being happy that you get to express yourself. (This also includes just being grateful that people give you "love") FYI, THIS is MY personal choice.
3. Finding followers that give a shit about what you write and care enough to give you that little button push ("Love") that you so desire.

THOSE are your ONLY choices. Sorry.

Damned economy! Have you noticed on "Cheaters" that they NOW say "....investigative charges may apply."? WHAT? You film people's BIGGEST humiliation for YOUR show....THEN HAND THEM A FREAKING BILL!?! Change your name to SCAMMERS!


If someone speaks with an accent, and they say something to you, DON'T repeat what they said back to them in your version of their accent....
...because you sound like a d-bag.

My favorite daytime talk show is the "Old White dudes watching Blacks, Latinos and poor Whites make bad decisions & yell for no reason show"

"If I'm in a relationship with you, I'm going to try to get up in you pretty much every time we are alone." -ALL men to ALL women

I consider the doubts, distractions, obstacles and cruelty of others nothing more than coal that I will use to fuel my internal fire. Whoops, I need to use clean fuel to make my point....uh...Okay, the tsunami of negativity toward my dream will turn the turbines of....nope. Uh...I will not get skin cancer from the UVA rays of your disbelief, instead it will activate the solar cells of my...no that is even worse.

Alright, lets keep this simple. Haters, fuck you...I'm about to run shit! Yeah, THAT works.

Why don't we get to CHOOSE our family?

(Inflammatory political or religious comment designed to get angry responses)  Yeah, deal with it!

Seasoned Salt...for when your high blood pressure meds get too full of themselves.

"Let's fire heart surgeons and let kids do it, their little fingers can get to those clogged arteries BETTER than adults!" #GingrichCare

Keep this quiet. I now have hot chocolate in the morning instead of coffee. I mean...oh crap coffee is coming back into the room! Be cool, don't say anything! What did you say coffee? What's in the cup? YOU of course. Alright, see you later... she's not ready for the truth yet.

Hand sanitizer....silently telling strangers that you think they're disgusting pigs since 1988

Remember when a "Media Whore" was a person who needed attention and not an accurate description of the media itself? #OccupytheMedia

Since my TV pitch didn't get purchased, I'm going to knock up several violent young women....hey, SPRINGER IS TELEVISION TOO! Don't judge me!

Gingrich Unveils Alternative To Social Security In NH His "Die miserably while ignored" plan gets IMMEDIATE backing from Rand Paul... Film at 6


YOU drink coffee in the morning, I drink coffee at NIGHT...and STILL get my sleep.
Caffeine is SCARED OF ME!!!!! Yeah! I'm the man!



Angry unidentified pedestrian:

"You are occupying the city, I'm tired of it and I hope they throw you out!"

Occupy protester:

"I really am sorry for the inconvenience sir, but we're doing this to help all of us...including people like you"

Angry unidentified pedestrian:

"Whatever lady...."

Super rich guy watching from his personalized blimp:

*in the Mr Burns voice from the Simpsons* "Excellent!"

So, just as there might be BIG defense cuts...spys get caught and we may have to use military force. Conspiracy theorists.....GO!

I'm going to name my FIRST hour special "Pepper spray and Tasers". I DARE you to not give me a "Standing O" *grabs pepper spray & taser*

Had "Jesse's Girl" by Rick Springfield LOUD in my car.
The dope boys on the corner bobbed their heads.
Too bad 80's rock can't stop bullets.

No congressman, I don't think you want ME to call you.

Anyone have a time machine I can borrow? I need to keep bullies from dunking Grover Norquist's head in the toilet. You know it happened. I mean, to be such a mean spirited turd, something must have fucked him up.

I am so embarrassed right now. This lady caught me sneaking a peek at her boobs. She yelled at me and made it WORSE. "How did you get in my shower you freak!?!" What an ego on her. I was stalking HER ROOMMATE. Ha! Jokes on her. With her Ashy knees, she should be flattered...

MY dream? To marry the token black lady that's ALWAYS off to the side in national "night out on the town with my girls" TV commercials.

I NEVER lie to myself because BEFORE I talk to myself I make ME wear a lie detector...Ha! I fooled ME, I'm really MY other personality.

Dear officer, if you can pepper spray kids sitting on the ground with their arms locked...what do you do to YOUR kids behind closed doors?

Many times, in the world in which I travel, I find that I am the ONLY black person there. It's uncomfortable because...hahahahahahahaha! Get the fuck outta here! Do you really think that I would EVER let someone make ME uncomfortable? Get real! Hahahaha!

I always preferred "Janet" to "Chrissy". I'm a REAL man.

Honk all you want, I'm NOT leaving until I see a "GREEN" GO sign.....nice gun. See ya!

Dear reality contest shows, go AWAY long enough for people to MISS you.

I'm thinking of voting for Mitt Romney. No I'm not voting for Mitt Romney, who said that? See how annoying that is Mitt?

Bachmann, Palin....now you see how the hot crazy girl in college turned out. STILL mad that she dropped you for the quarterback? Exactly...

Shake a stranger's hand, take two steps back...then apply hand sanitizer while looking at them with disgust....FUN!

I just went onto a website for gross and disgusting pictures and hackers had flooded the site with cat pictures and inspirational cartoons. FACEBOOK STRIKES BACK!!! Take THAT hackers!

"Young hot women knitting. Stop it. Thanks." - Erections

"The Myth" is TRUE ladies. Yup. My ass IS higher than my white friend's asses.

Really inventive commercial = lame ass product. That is all.

Chemicals can be HARMLESS separately, but POISONOUS together. Words too. "Fox" & "News" Harmless. "Fox News"...poisonous.

"STOP...putting wacky outfits...on your animals. STOP. Thanks." - People who are A LITTLE LESS anthropomorphic than YOU

S. Anthony says... (The Lesson "CELEBRITY VERSION")

Memories. Watching the news this morning I ran across a well known News Anchor that I had previously hosted a Celebrity Roast for. She was literally one of the nicest people that I had ever met. I say this because she was great to me BEFORE she knew who I was.

It's amazing how meeting people can change how you feel about them. She was awesome, but a LOCAL celebrity was the complete opposite. This person was condescending, insulting, slightly racist and a bit of a dick. This guy literally looked AROUND me while I was getting his info for his introduction. He summarily dismissed me as if my existence annoyed him. It was not just my feeling, people near us said to me "Damn, I used to be a fan of his show, but he was really rude to you! Fuck that guy!"

Did I mention that I WAS THE HOST of the show? Did I mention that it was a ROAST? Did I mention that I NEVER TAKE THAT KIND OF SHIT FROM ANYONE? Oh, yeah...I got deep in this d-bags ass. You see, I write and perform....AT A PRO level and have for YEARS. You do not want to engage in a war of words. Although I choose not to launch them.....I carry NUKES.

His dust is NOW in a vase on my mantel. Lesson learned.

Horseplay with a young boy in the shower. DON'T DO THAT!
(Things you should just know)

Hey hackers, INSTEAD of putting disgusting decapitation pictures on Facebook, how about doing something to make it suck LESS!

Men, I have had my penis deep in MANY vaginas. They ALL feel GREAT. Don't hurt someone you care about just so you can sneak into some OTHER lady's vagina.

Calm the fuck down. I'm talking to you too Kutcher. (Allegedly)

Demi Moore newly single. Justin Bieber NOT a father. Coincidence? Discuss.

Politician accidentally tells the truth in a political ad and spontaneously combusts. Film at 11. Marshmallow roast at 11:02.

A strange man walks up to my door, I open it and he tries to walk in.

"Hey, who are you bro?"

"Come on unc!"

"Unc? I don't know you!"

"It's me, your nephew!"

"Prove it, turn your back to me and dismissively acknowledge me over your shoulder as you surf the web on your phone like a knucklehead."

"Alright.... I'm sorry. Message received."

"Good. I'm STILL not letting you in."

Both laugh.

*****

Breaking News! Congress redefines cupcakes as "Antioxidant clusters" film at 11!

"How do you let THAT hottie out of the bed at all? Wow, what deliciousness!"
-Things that will be said to my future wife (YES THEY WILL!)

Armpit diarrhea. Yeah. Armpit fart people, you are no longer valid.

I've got the traffic channel on in the background. I want to see if "Bored to death" is really a thing.

Forget "Electric", MY car runs on "Leave it near E and make any young relative who borrows it fill it up" Yeah, I go GREEN. Bills are green.

My mom feels young again. She NOW knows she's YEARS away from being old enough for a pepper spray blast by the rogue members of the NYPD.

Oh, "Bottom feeder" is an insult. I thought that Websters Dictionary had FINALLY accepted my suggestion and FORMALLY named one of the things that I like to do to ladies that I'm in a relationship with.

MY bad.

Just watched the Jerry Sandusky interview. This guy is going to do MORE for "Getting people to WANT to do jury duty" than anyone. If you listen closely to the jury room you'll probably hear people practicing their "Guilty on ALL counts!" proclamations.

Dear future cellmate...we won't blame you. I'm not saying that I hope something happens...I'm just saying, future cellmate...we won't blame you.


It’s funny, NOT ONE PERSON who knows me in real life has asked me what I would have done if I was the one who had caught Sandusky with that little boy in the shower. They ALL made statements…”Oh, I KNOW YOU would have f*cked him up!”

They’re RIGHT.



LAST call for a seat on the train going to "The wrong side of history"....

Congress?

Extremist Governors?

Lie spewing talking heads and radio hosts?

Cowardly Mayors?

Anti-middle class business people?

Oh? You're ALREADY ALL on. Close the doors, it's time to pull of.



As a protest to jackasses wearing their pants low, I'm calling on EVERYONE OVER 28 to wear their pants up near their chest. And say nothing.



Just watched Gabrielle Giffords interview. Even though she's recovering from that vicious attack, you can still see what an impressive woman she is. It's easy to see why he loves her so much.



Dear birds, I now let the 3 cats on my block sleep on my car. Your move assholes.

Chili cheese fries....why? Who was the culinary mass murderer who invented this stuff? Also, WHAT A WAY TO GO!!!! Yeah!!!!!

Why was my dental hygienist rinsing and spitting when I woke up? Also, why do I need to do a follow up at her house...daily?

Ironic, he's the subject of sexual harassment charges but he's been willingly giving fellatio to the Koch brothers for years. #hermancain

Who built this Starbucks in the middle of the occupy protest site? Missing...the point!

Look flowers! Blue. Orange. 3x + 5 = 20 (x=5)
Sorry, my left and right brains are fighting again.....LAVENDER! Grapes are soft!

I'm going to wait until EVERYONE gets a reality show...then I'm going to become a recluse. I will be so freaking famous!!!!

Even my cellphone knew that calling you was a horrible idea. In the space where the reception bars would be were the words "Fuck, NO!"

No longer giving a damn.....riiiiiight......NOW.


Sexual tension. It’s wonderful isn’t it? It’s even wonderful if you in NO WAY act on it outwardly. You know what I mean, you see someone that activates your reptilian brain, but you do NOTHING either because you already have someone or you just know that having THIS person in your life would be a BAD IDEA.

What is NOT fun, is sexual tension used to manipulate someone. We see it all the time. It’s like taking advantage of someone when they’re drunk. It’s a pretty nasty thing to do. It’s infuriating when you realize that you were “played” AFTER the fact, but to me it’s even worse when you know what’s going on while it’s happening.

I know what she’s trying to do. NOT going to happen…but nice try.

Does NOT having Thanksgiving at MY house, thus eliminating the possibility of me killing my relatives, make me pro-life?

I’m going to succeed on a grand scale and have what I want, so shut the fuck up and leave…or shut the fuck up and watch. YOUR choice!”
 — Inspirational quote WITHOUT the flowery words by… S. Anthony Thomas

ANOTHER debate. Now I know what people feel like when they get roped in to watching a friends talentless child at a recital. One of the differences...children have an excuse for not knowing or understanding things. Also, children are WILLING TO LEARN AND ADAPT to NEW information. There is no shame in changing your opinion when new information is available. THAT is not a flip flop. Changing just to look better to the extremes of a party IS A FLIP FLOP. It's a shame that we have gotten to the point where people CANNOT tell the difference. "Intellectual curiosity" should be placed on the endangered species list. Several of the poachers will be on display tonight. Enjoy the debate!

Women love it when they catch you looking at their bodies and licking your lips.

 LATER

Let me update my earlier advice: YOUR woman loves it when she catches you looking at her body and licking your lips. Sorry. I've got to visit my friend in the ER. He didn't get the update...he got an uppercut.

Just heard a 70 year old man use the phrase "Hit that and quit that"...so people, you are no longer allowed to say that.

I'm going to start doing drugs, humping hookers, acting like an ass and spending too much money NOW so you CAN'T say fame changed me. Yup!

Just got home from a great rehearsal. The whole audience gave me oral afterward. Okay, I was performing at a brothel...but oral is oral.

I wish Joe Paterno was a little More Joe Pa·ter·nal.

"The TWO little Pigs" by Rick Perry.

Uh, how about rioting at the house of the alleged rapist or in protest of the child abuse instead? Just a thought. #PennState

I have NEVER and could NEVER hate a person because of their race, but if I did, I still couldn't hate them enough to do THIS to MY country.

Perry forgets the third agency, Cain forgets grabbing women, Romney forgets what he said an hour ago.  We've all forgotten the others...

Jim DeMint, make your point ANOTHER way, NOT voting AGAINST SOLDIERS . Our soldiers deserve our help when they get home...oh and fuck you.

Don't buy a Capuchin monkey and ask "if it has reached the age of consent yet?"...not good. Not good at all.

If you are a company that has an elderly customer base....STOP HAVING CONFUSING WEBSITES YOU MORONS!!!!

Walmart Plans To Capitalize On Primary Care Shortage By Adding Medical Services:
 And now you have the answer to the question….”Why do all of the 9 year old Chinese kids here have on scrubs?”

It's NOT SHOCKING that Joe Paterno is retiring, you do know that he's 700 years old, right?


When you're doing something that ISN'T mandatory and it stops being fun....STOP DOING THAT SHIT!!!
I have yet to find an exception to this rule.

I wish my tree would stop pooping leaves on my car. I think I heard it say "take that...you should have stopped that dog from peeing on me"

Which one of the debaters is Keyser Söze ?

So, the NBA (something people want) is locked out, but we still get a full season of 82 GOP debates? What's the over/under on idiocy?

"We are Penn State!" is now "WE...are Penn State? Who told you that shit? No, uh...we are uh...gotta go!"     It sounds better when 50,000 people say it.
No it doesn't.

Damn Rick, at least "W" HAD WORDS to mess up.   "Mission...uh...uh...uh..."
- If Rick Perry was President and NOT "W".

I have NEVER done drugs. I HAVE had sex with TWO women at once. I win dope heads. I WIN!

People in SERIOUS relationships should wear rings too, to save us "hitting on them time" Also, women who WILL get it on with me should wear a hat saying "I am open to getting it on with S. Anthony" Yup.

Herman Cain caught in bed with Joe Paterno. Film at 11.

I'm using "Fore"square, that'll tell you where I'll be next week. (FYI, I lie to "Fore"square...enjoy those nonexistent addresses!)

Kim K's ass files for a legal separation. I of course will offer MY services as a safe haven.

"Hey baby, let me stick in this tab and check my sugar" - Diabetic guy on "sex night" with his wife

Did you know that they have this stuff called de-caffeinated coffee? What will they think of next? Well, I've got to rotary dial my mom now.

Why, when you work on your car, do the five strangers that come to you with advise, know NOTHING about cars, BUT won't shut the hell up?

I'm hoping to add a "don't let stupid people and a-holes near S. Anthony" law to the ballot. I need YOUR help. ARE YOU WITH ME!?!

Dude, you're trying to pick up a woman in a BMW from a bus window? Do you pay your rent with powerball tickets too? Reality bro, reality...

I just bought a $1 cheeseburger because it reminded me of my broke days in LA. Also, my bank account.  ;-)

So, I guess washing machines are now among the devices that we have decided to stop improving, huh?


Listening to pill popping radio bigots causes soul cancer.
(Atheist version) Listening to pill popping radio bigots causes logic cancer.

I think women that say "bewbs" instead of "boobs" are hot.

When one of you sees the first "occupy" or "99%" themed porn, please inform me of it. Thanks.

2 broke girls (who'll take hush money) - Herman Cain's favorite show

Cellulite, stretch marks blah blah blah. I’m a straight man. Do you have girl parts? Okay then, we’re good.”
—  ALL men who aren't ass wipes. Yes, all 14 of us. (Sorry to throw you under the bus guys…but I DON’T want to be in YOU.)

"My relationship With Obama Has Grown 'Frosty" - John Boehner
"It's better than our non existent relationship John!" - Facts & reality

The next teen or twenty something that blurts out random rap lyrics to me in lieu of conversation is getting triangle choked. Dig?

Never say this to a woman. You will get injured: “Girl, I’ll work that booty so hard your stretch marks will look start to look like my signature!”

I just heard a commercial for a product that tried to take advantage of the 99% movement. Feel free impulsive fringe to smash their windows.

I just watched the Blair Witch Project again, but I watched it at 32x normal speed so that ghost would kill those annoying ass kids quicker.


The Headline: 'Liz Cheney Weighs In On Herman Cain Harassment Scandal'
-- MY first thought "I don't give a nano fuck what she thinks"

Ever suggest something gross and kinky to a lady and not only was she cool with it...she had the devices in her drawer? You'd think I'd be weirded out by that but nope, I was okay with it.

“The shame of politics and news in the US? The lack of nuanced thought. Some things require MORE than bumper sticker slogans. We’re adults, right?”

I want to do this innocuous post so my poignant post just now isn't DIRECTLY followed by jokes about boobs and butts. BOOBS!! Damn.

We must heal our political system *crickets*
 My cat wears funny hats *like like like like like like like like like like....*
- FACEBOOK

Alright, who wants to get pregnant?

I want to download all of the ominous music in political ads so I can play it if I ever I feel like being a misinforming jackass.

 Facebook uses words in your posts to create unique ads If you type "Facebook sucks" the ad says "Tell me about it! Duh!" Technology...

Sex tape no. Big mirrors on rollers near the bed, yes. (Also hidden HD cameras and testicle microphones)

When they say use CLR to clean your "tool", they are NOT speaking colloquially...and OW!

Remember it's tomorrow and it's Bank TRANSFER Day, NOT Bank Robbery Day. Also does anyone know a bonds person that'll take your word for it?

"Herman Cain got that lady pregnant, NOT Justin Bieber. Leave the Bieb alone!" -no one has EVER uttered those words before

I WILL NEVER run for public office. I've never harassed anyone but MY campaign couldn't survive the shit I've done consensually.

Remember "Pop up video" on VH1? Someone do that to political commercials please. You only need to use the word "Bullshit" See? Easy.

Herman Cain "fingers" Rick Perry? Damn, that guy just can't stop.

SOMETIMES a society, much like a person working out has to endure some pain BEFORE the reward. (But if you start losing your ass, stop please ladies...wait, what!?)

2900 "S. Antneeites" on Facebook! Yeah! My single with Nicki Minaj, Alicia Keys & Prince doesn't drop Nov 3rd because I don't sing or know these people.

Google+ is like a night club in LA. You know a lot of people are there...but everyone hides in the corner and pretends to not see each other.

NRA (National Rifle Assoc) tries to STOP control of guns. NRA (National Restaurant Assoc) tries to stop Cain's accusers. Those letters suck!

I just incorporated because I wanted to feel MORE like a person. Didn't work, but I'm now worth 27 billion because I became an oil company.

A guy who SEES his wife cheating, keeps getting STD's from her & STAYS makes BETTER choices than those who elected & support THIS congress.

"Please STOP calling Herman Cain PIZZA MAN! It's insulting and degrading....to US!" - Pizza

I just signed up for "fivesquare", it's a new site that gives the WRONG location so I have enough time to avoid your stalking asses.

If you've ever rubbed your "deal" between your woman's butt cheeks while she slept, YOU are sick because I've NEVER done or thought of that.

Watching Rove turn on a Republican is weird and backward. It's like the titty sucking the baby...what? That makes no sense, sorry I'm tired.

I made a mistake and used "Grover Norquist Pledge®" on my car wind shield and now I can only see out of the far right side of it.

"MY best interest? I'm NOT voting for THAT!" - idiots

Dear politicians, NO ONE needs to LEAK things to damage you when you're OPENLY nuts. So...relax.

I'm suing the lottery because MY nickname is "Powerballs". Don't think taking off the "s" will save you! I know you ripped me off!!!

C'mon GOP, hiring guys to stand outside of women's vaginas holding a stop sign? That's your idea of birth control? Really? Too far guys. Too far!

Texas Judge violently assaults disabled daughter....just because you wear a black robe, it doesn't mean you're not a piece of shit.

"That was incredible! Where did you learn that!?!" - hot lady stunned that sex with nice guys can be great too

"Congressperson! Supreme Court Justice! Bank CEO!" - foul mouthed kids yelling insults at hookers from their cars

"Vaginas.... Thanks!" - Me

"Forget SPRINT ladies, I have the best "Unlimited Plan"....if you know what I mean" - Sometimes I like to pretend to be a d-bag

Rush Limbaugh accused the "Mainstream media" of racism...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

"Hey honey, listen! I don't just put MY penis inside of just ANY woman... I mean I would, but they won't let me."

I'm just sitting here in the Maury greenroom because apparently hot women just walk in and make out with strangers.

Forget about the Kim K, Serena Williams and J. Lo asses ladies. Forget about the Olivia Wilde and Stacey Keibler asses too. The most beautiful ass to a real man is the ass of the woman he loves. Not the media's choice of what's beautiful. Also beautiful, an ass covered in whipped cream remnants and your saliva....on other days sweet peppers, fried onions (cooled off of course), provolone cheese gratings and your saliva. Yeah...those media people are fucking weird.


"Call me one of the good blacks! Call me one of the good blacks!"
 - A black guy having sex with Ann Coulter

"Our Blacks Are Better Than Their Blacks!" - Ann Coulter leading a séance that contacted the spirits of feuding slave owner neighbors