Chitlins? Are you crazy? Slavery is over. I don't have to eat that crap because "The Man" says so! Well, gotta eat my Monsanto salad now.

The Mascots from pro sports teams eat children. Now you know... but what are you going to do!?!

"Snooki is pregnant?" - me pretending to give a shit

Mormons have just circumcised my dead grandpa....is that even one of their things? What's up with that!?!

I need to start getting drunk. I don't want people to know that I'm perfectly okay streaking with pasties on my "man stuff".

My gay friends got married. Guess what, things DID change homophobes, two good people are exponentially happier...and that's a good thing.

When two people that used to be on a good show, get together on a new bad show, it's not a reunion. It's just a reminder of what a hunk of shit the new show is.

Dear Santa, I want a 50+ year happy marriage to a woman like THIS. (Clair Huxtable)

Thanks in advance,

S. Anthony

Mr. Thomas, has left the building.

Namaste...

Blink once if you hear the tone, blink twice if you've figured out that I'm not your Doctor and just escaped from the mental hospital.

It's justifiable homicide if you hunt down and finish off people who send you spam text messages, right? SHUT UP! YOU DON'T SMELL ANYTHING AND THAT HOLE WAS THERE BEFORE I GOT HERE!

A friend got upset because a local news anchor he crushes on is dating someone. I don't have the heart to tell him I'm also fucking her. ;-)


Blink once if you hear the tone, blink twice if you've figured out that I'm not your Doctor and just escaped from the mental hospital.

When you're stuck in the car with a married couple that is arguing over really stupid crap, you can see in the man's eyes a longing for the good old days of a locked bathroom, soap suds and a sears underwear catalog. In the woman's eyes....dreams of D cell batteries dance in her head....

I'm running for President. I want to say crazy stuff and get billionaires to give me money too! Why should those dopes get ALL the fun? Here's my first crazy statement....Obama will make us all light our flatulence to heat our homes! Aw yeah. I'm rolling!

I stuck out my pinkie while drinking tea (as a joke) and Rick Santorum burst into my living room and called me Hitler. He needs to calm down a bit.

I don't do cliques, they are built on FAKE foundations. I do REAL friendships, those are built on an UNBREAKABLE ones. Just saying...

A Soldier's Story. THAT'S the type and OR quality of movie that I want to be in and associated with. And I WILL.

"Oscars? Who cares?" - Most dudes

While you're watching the Oscars, I'm wrestling bears, chewing tobacco and getting 5 nymphos pregnant. I LOVE YOU JLO! I mean, who's that?

Dear J Lo's ass, just because I can't have HER...it doesn't mean that WE can't hang out....does it?

I'm going to create Antisocial media sites. I need a place to ignore many people simultaneously. I...will...make...BILLIONS!

I love having my ass squeezed and rubbed when in the middle of love making. I like it MORE when the woman does it for me so I don't have to.

Five teens arguing with the guy behind the counter over ONE sandwich. Please spit in it dude, please...

What's with these celebrities going to fans proms? I mean, I've wanted to slurp Serena Williams' delicious ass for years! What about me?

Got the rubber glove treatment from the doctor Wednesday and a scaling from the dentist on Thursday....so if you see me, don't touch me please. (This does not apply to cute ladies, you are REQUIRED to feel me up)

Franklin Graham... we see yooooou. I don't think the bible says anything about evangelists being political hacks. I could be wrong....

NOW I feel better…. Mind cleared. Heart warmed. Thanks Mrs. Michelle Obama!

***************************

I am ashamed... I just saw these pictures of Sarah Palin…she was giving a red meat speech to conservatives…IT MOVED. (Seinfeld fans, you know what I mean)

BAD genitals! BAD!!!! Her politics suck!

********************************

Fuck EVERYBODY!

No, I'm not mad, this is the beginning of my TO DO list... (Women only)

Watching people argue via videos on YouTube....it's safer that way, less chance of getting a stray bullet in the ass.

Now... I'm thinking that I shouldn't have "Hit it and quit it" with Jenny Hyun.... man does she hold a grudge.

Newt has been a joke, a blow hard, a liar and a bigot since his government shutdown.
Newt, enjoy being a pariah in the history books.

I'm getting suspicious of my doctor. She's not supposed to check the Lymph nodes in my neck by tightening a belt around it, right?

I'm shaking SENSA® on my next girlfriend in hopes that it will make her less emotionally violent. No, YOU don't know how SENSA® WORKS!

It really doesn't matter how big or small your boobs are ladies, they're going to get the same half hour of slurping. Okay?

Remember when new talent was humiliated and treated like shit BEFORE they were on television? Ya old bastid!

Remember when a "Hit" show had 30 million viewers? You are freaking old!

Trump, don't pick a fight with Letterman, you have NO chance of winning. NONE. Even a "Pre killing Bin Laden" President busted that ass bro.

Remember when you actually had to do research to debunk what politicians said? #CNNDebate

3 good ideas + 450 bat shit ideas = I won't vote for your ass.

Sarah Palin says.... (This is usually where I tune out and lose respect for the person who said that)

I would watch the debate, but I'm too busy. Somebody has to eat this broken glass on my floor.

So, you've realized that no one gives a shit about you and you're okay with that. Good, no need to grab the pebble from my hand grasshopper.

DON'T try to give a wedgie to a person who knows how to do Judo throws.

Burning someone's religious texts makes YOU an asshole. No matter what text it is. Just saying...

"Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" - An Atheist listening to ANYTHING Franklin Graham says

Franklin Graham questions Obama's Christianity. I question Franklin Graham's sanity and his agenda.

Burning someone's religious texts makes YOU an asshole. No matter what text it is. Just saying..

Can't wait until they release the GLEE version of the song that I sing when everyone is out of my house. "and STAY the hell out" will be #1!

Then: Don't get between me and MY doctor!

Now: Who cares what YOU think doc, put this up into her vagina because I said so!

Interesting...seems health care attitudes have changed.

Please, someone come up with a tape showing Marcus Bachmann getting blown by Rick Santorum.

We know when you call the president "Terrorist" & "Secret Muslim", you mean "Nigger" but you can't say it. I CAN say THIS ..."Fuck you".

Shouldn't VA be shut down by now? I mean, state sanctioned, forced vaginal insertions? When does forced ANAL get added to prostate exams?

"They're about to computerize pharmacies making it harder to pill shop. Take that!"
- Guy who lost his girl to a pill dealer

I just put an Activia in my fridge next to a regular yogurt....my god...the BLOOD! I should have never left them alone. They weren't ready.

Dear America, no matter what happens in this next election, please elect a gay, Muslim, single mom as President in 2016. Please.

Why is the "Highest Common Denominator" NEVER an option in politics? Maybe WE should start electing adults from now on.

I'm working on my 70's era black sitcom double takes... just in case Santorum accidentally says something that makes sense.

If you didn't want nude ass cheeks on your couch, why is it covered in plastic? YOU'RE THE PROBLEM! Stop sending mixed furniture signals!

Ladies, don't talk to me on the phone while you're in the bathroom. I'll just watch the tapes I already have of you in the bathroom. Okay?

I believe in the three date rule. One input per date. What happens on date four you ask? One word...BOOBS. Another word BETWEEN.

When I have an orgasm inside a gorgeous woman, from now on I'm NOT going to say "Ahhhh! Yeah!" I'm going to shout "Deal with THAT Santorum!"

...and so "IT" begins...

"Individual mandate? HELL NO! Cramming things up a woman's vagina against her will or a doctor's advise? HELL YES!" -VA legislators

Sometimes we do things that are bad for us, or make us feel bad, out of habit. It's hard to pull the plug on those things isn't it?

How about giving a damn about and supporting an artist BEFORE they die? They'd probably like that. Just saying...

Fetish isn't a BAD word weirdo. Okay, re-duct tape me, turn the polka music back on and glue my armpit hair to my balls. No, you're crazy!

Dear future me, I would apologize for what I've been writing here, but past me says you're going to be even weirder that we are. So shut up!

It's amazing and shameful how proud politicians are of denying people their rights. All aboard the bus to the wrong side of history!

The good thing about all of these politicians being fucked up? I can STILL run for President someday!. My future run will survive my tweets!

Newt Gingrich's bus broke down in West Hollywood....sure it did. Sure...

Say for the sake of argument, a teenage relative, after being told NEVER to turn out your basement light and leave dark things on the steps, does so anyway. You THEN fall down your steps... it's okay to drop kick their ass, right? I'm asking for a friend....who isn't me.

Familiarity breeds being taken for granted. When that happens, it might be time to get less familiar.

Pareto principle....ACTIVATE!

It cracks me up when guys get intimidated by a gorgeous woman. Losers...oh crap, here she comes! Tee hee! Duh! Uh...tee hee...

S. Anthony, proof that nice guys DON'T "finish" last, but about 15 minutes after you do. Ok, you're sleeping and she's in the shower...so!?!

The conversation behind me is so stupid, I feel the need to scrub the back of my head.

Dear Governments of the world, when large numbers of your people riot and burn things down...it means that you fucked up. Dig?

Enough overhyping of these athletes. Stick to overhyping people that DESERVE to be overhyped...like cute black comedians... *coughs, leaves*

I will NOT feel like my life is empty if I never have kids. I WILL feel like it's empty if I can't be a part of a 7some. Yeah, aim high.

Celebrity death pool...hit list....whatever. You say tomato..... (Just kidding NSA)

Coen Brothers movie character + the spirit of Andy Kaufman + WTF!?! = Rand Paul

Think and Grow. That's it. You're not going to be rich. A bring your own anesthesia dentist office, really? Maybe you shouldn't even think.

Virginia is for lovers....lovers of putting things in a woman's vagina against her will. Fucking mysogynistic cowards.

Wait, unconditional love is really a thing!?!

I'm going to see if any of the ladies here (at this supermarket) will be my valentine for 90 minutes.

I always keep my kids close to me because, well, they're still in my balls.

Remember when musical acts shut the hell up so you'd miss them, instead of rolling your eyes at the mention of them? Yeah, good times...

Stalking? No. Targeted, mobile buttocks admiration...yes.

Last few minutes to get your once a year Valentine's Day anal from your woman. Hurry. I already had some from your woman. You're a lucky man!

I will NEVER change who I am for YOUR approval. NEVER. You know who you are.

Can I have my "New World Order" supersized please? Also, I'd like my two sides to be "Love Slave" and "Xenophobia"...oh and a large pepsi.

Instead of protesting against gay marriage, how about going home and fucking YOUR spouse. It's nice having one, right? THEY wouldn't know...

Dear women, thanks for allowing me in you sometimes. I really appreciate it.

It's hard not to slip into baby talk with an adult if you're simultaneously changing a diaper, or you're alone with a woman into that stuff.

"Dear politicians, stop caring so much about the openings in peoples bodies. Work on creating JOB OPENINGS." - Everyone

Watching "House", "The Ed Show" & pretending to be good at THIS. Yeah, I am a master of multi....ooooh, something shiny on the floor!

Why wait another 50 years? Tell me how much you love me NOW! Also, how much you want to get it on with me. (Do the second part slowly)

Romney releases video of himself doing a Deniro "Cape Fear" laugh watching "Eyes on the Prize"...still called too soft by voters. Film at 11

Validation is for punks. (You like ME, right?)

How many people are thisclose to becoming Atheists because of all of the stupid religious crap going on in this country now? Hmmm...

Now, I always hear sad songs in my head whenever I see small animals. It used to be the Looney Tunes theme. THANKS SARAH! THANKS A LOT!

Dear artists at #thegrammys, when EVERYONE dresses in weird crap...it's NOT weird anymore.

When I get my first Grammy Nod, I'm going to wear a suit made of pictures of the stupid crap other artists wore to the grammy's

If you try to get someone fired from their job because they are gay, just know, they didn't choose to be gay but you chose to be an asshole.

I don't mind $65 condoms, but the $3000 applicator and the $5000 refills are bullshit.

Dear news magazines, how about giving future killers LESS detailed info about hiding dead bodies? Just a thought.

Google maps street view shows my cousin on my porch. So guess who helicoptered his balls on the porch 3 hours straight for nothing.

...tick...tick...tick... :-)

When I haven't gotten my fill of racist, stupid or organized troll driven commentary, I just read the yahoo news comments. Yeah, good stuff.

Romney: I Was A 'Severely Conservative' Governor
EVERYONE else: "Hahahahahahahaha!"

If only ALL gatherings were subject to the "Dragged off by Sandman Sims rule"....

Always remember, if you're NOT at home, DON'T yell "Blow me you lying turd!" at the TV screen. It's not good guest behavior, right grandma?

If you say "Mojo Rising" and you're talking about your "You know what"...I want women to not give you any for the next five years.

WAIT!?! You put the contact lens ON YOUR EYE and NOT the thing you want to see better!? *And suddenly... it ALL made sense*

No interest for 5 years. #marriageorcarlease

God just told ME that she didn't tell YOU shit. Oh, she also says hi.

Ever been told to do something, follow the instructions perfectly, then been yelled at by the ungrateful person who took up YOUR time? That.

I'm telling you, Flo from Progressive looks like she is a dominatrix on the weekends. Nerdy women do some freaky stuff...I've been told...

Stars in the galaxy...trillions, people on twitter 100's of millions...people who star your tweets...5-10. Still feel important?

New twitter just took off it's pants and showed me that it's really old Facebook. That's cool. I'm a supporter of Social Media transgenders.

Chloraseptic WON'T stop a pitbull from biting you...but he MAY enjoy the throat soothing freshness and CHOOSE to bite someone else instead.

I feel safe in saying that NONE of the problems in your life has been or ever will be caused by gay marriage....so shut the fuck up. Thanks.

Breaking News!!! Assad Forces Kill Scores Of Civilians In Latest Crackdown, China & Russia continue to not give a fuck, film at 11.

I'm an Independent voter...and thinker. My brain is on an even healthier diet than my body is. Hi fake news, I see you! I also see thru you.

The list of things that I thought I would have accomplished in my life by now is so long that I thought it was my penis.

Santorum nets $250,000 after three state sweep. In other news, I just found a quarter!

Why is Homer Simpson so angry at Clint Eastwood for doing that Superbowl commercial?

I virtually always treat people with love and respect....GANGST....huh? That's NOT gangsta? What's gangsta then? WHAT!?! Fuck THAT!

When you have to buy elections...it means your ideas suck.

Vote YES on PROP 9. Make it illegal for homophobes to breed.

Every time politics turns into a religious fight, you can hear atheists laughing...as their numbers increase. And I'm cool with that.

As much as I'd love to be the lead topic on a tv show, I hope that show isn't Frontline.

Your love is like a roller coaster baby...I'm usually strapped down by a one armed drifter and it ends with me vomiting.

I hide my armpit fetish by licking women EVERYWHERE for hours at a time. I'm smart. I also have 30 full time female stalkers.

"It's morning in America...and uh, I can't stay for breakfast...uh...I've got a meeting America...uh..NO, I'll call YOU!" - Politicians

Dear ethnic actors in racist commercials....street hookers on meth think you need to shoot higher.

Everybody's life is a prequel to a reality show.

I have GoDaddy written on my balls....but do I get a commercial? No. SEXIST BASTARDS!

I am going to buy products from ANY company that DOESN'T have animals and or babies in their commercial. #superbowl

Anyone that doesn't think that the auto industry is back...watch every other #Superbowl commercial. Also back, bad writing.

GoDaddy.condom should be the name.

Eating healthy is as bad as people say quiting smoking is....also, how do you get blood out of your socks?

I'm going to start wearing knock offs of Cee Lo Green's outfits. Bald black dudes......UNITE!!!

I just saw a woman at my uncle's physical rehab place that was so delicious, you wouldn't put food on HER during sex, you'd put her on FOOD.

Online ad people, putting a "Fake X" there to make us think we're closing it when we're really opening it will make me NEVER buy from you.

The next woman that I date, I'm going to ask her to put on lotion like the lady in the Gold Bond commercial.

Did poor people get caught fucking a bunch of CEO'S wives or something? They hate poor people....this kind of evil attack feels like revenge.

Before I kill my plants, I tell them why. It's only right.

When I "Hit the Sheets" I start with the sheet's ass, my sheets are into that. They're naughty.

I JUST realized what a weirdo I am. Oh well. Too late to change now... (Yeah, like I'd want to be "Normal")

Trump endorses Romney. In other news, flies endorse horse shit. Film at 11!

Wait until "King" Eddie long realizes that those dudes are carrying him to a Mohel.

When a thing stops being worth it, it's time to stop doing that thing.

I guess the "Race for the Cure" has changed into the "Race for the Cure to common sense"

I want to do a movie where I take free whales and trap them in ice on purpose. If anyone gets mad, I'll say it's a prequel.

Tamron Hall + Lawrence O'Donnell + Dating = Lawrence O'Donnell has a better life than YOU.

I'm ALMOST glad it's NOT illegal for "News" channels to lie. If it was, there would be tons of blank channels...to fill with reality shows.

Jokes on you officer, I use rubber bullets, tasers and pepper spray in bed with my woman...thus the boner. I'm free to go? Cool, thanks!

Who put the truth serum in Mitt Romney's milk?

THAT dog is too young to drive Subaru! Your commercial is IRRESPONSIBLE!

Sometimes the greatest gift that you can give yourself is the act of walking away.

I was wondering if you all can help me with an experiment. Could you give ME 300 million dollars so I can see if I'll become a d-bag too? C'mon, help out your buddy!

The difference between ME and GOP politicians? Women LOVE when I get involved with what happens in their vaginal area.

If your Ideology trumps cancer screenings.....fuck your ideology. Just my opinion.