No! I DON'T want to coach The Eagles! Damn, you guys are freaking desperate!

S. Anthony's hot new single "I'm a comic not a singer so what the hell am I releasing a single for?" is in stores NOW!!

I would only care about a celebrities pregnancy if I had at some point ejaculated in her. Other than that.....uh....no.

The buttons on YouTube should be LOVE or HATE because neither LIKE or DISLIKE is enough to make ME click shit.

Did the football announcer just say "He was stopped way before he could penetrate!"? Tee hee....


Tongue jacuzzis. Ladies?

You're right Dateline NBC, brutal murders ARE entertaining! (Uh...no)

Mom: "You're going to really get it good when your father gets home!"
A-hole kid: "What am I...the NANNY!?! Oops, I've said too much!"

Does that hat say "Wear just in case someone tries to take you seriously" on the inside?

Fishing? ME? Nope. Too much writing weird crap on the internet and playing with my chin hair to do...

Don't try to strike up a conversation with me at the ATM late at night. That is punch first ask questions LATER territory.


The cable company WON'T come out to fix my friend's illegal cable......RACISTS!!!!!
;)

5 hour energy. A Cialis pill. Take them both old guys so you can stay awake for an hour talking to the doctor about your four hour erection. You're welcome.

A $7 CUP OF COFFEE!!!!! Starbucks....are you trying to recoup money for all of these years of FREE WiFi or something!?!


I win 550 million dollars....and let's just say....
Stuff is gonna get real.

If you have a "strategy" to win the powerball lottery, there's someone out there that isn't "nuts" waiting to take your money. You're a dope.


"Oh yeah? I dare you! Ow!"
- 56 percent of all of your kid's conversations

Money won't change ME....it will however change the distance between ME and YOU....you heard me. Move it. Don't make me get security!

"What are you a cow now nigga!?!"
- One of my relatives showing support for my new eating habits


A message to the producers of Two and a half men...
I’ll do the show for $5 LESS than that ungrateful kid and I don’t care if it’s filth. Hire my ass!

McCain and Graham, the Glottal stops of the US Senate.

Dear other black guys, I've had sex with Indian women. #betterthanyou

I just looked at my Christmas lights...and they untangled THEMSELVES and apologized to me for the inconvenience #betterthanyou

Just did bench presses...with NO bench. #betterthanyou

Was just told "You're too tough for our outlaw biker gang!" #betterthanyou

I'm NOT politically correct. I'm just ALWAYS correct. #betterthanyou

THIS isn't real. You are seeing things. Get help.

1) Rename breast implants "Boob puffers"
2) Stigma gone
3) You're welcome

"It's okay, take your time. I'll wait"
- ME never

Ever been distracted while eating, pick up too much on your fork and for a second look like a new 70's era porn actress seeing John Holmes?

I'll be with you in a minute, I've got to cast these aspersions....

What's being AFRAID to say what you want to like?

Stop "Torture testing" those smartphones geeks. Driving on them breaks them...duh! Just give that new phone to me and go masturbate. Ok?

Has ANYONE accidently been "Licked" in the nuts?

I was just sexually harassed by Windows 9 beta. Top THAT Siri!!!!

Why are people being so mean to Pam Oliver about her hair? *sees it* DAMN!!!! Uh, never mind... ....I still love you Pam...

Why paint your nails black when you can just smoke and be sedentary? ALL your toes and fingers will go black... And it's FREE!

Mr. Thomas is about to give up meat and dairy.

"What!?! Motherfucker, I'll delete you like an Android app!"
- Geek gangsta

"Dear women on the internet, stop putting weird things into your genitals. I find that personally insulting!"
- Penises

Whenever I drink Green Tea, I "adjust myself" so people know that I'm still tough. Because I am damn it!
*takes sip, taps corner of mouth gently with napkin....then "adjusts"* Yeah!!!! #realman

I thought those arrows on the screen of the car’s backup camera were there to help you hit people. Uh, officer, my manual says….oh, I read it wrong. Sorry.

I just threw 26 cents into a wishing well. My new Tesla drives like a dream, am I right naked Williams sisters who are now my wives?

Banging ME, a job that CAN'T be outsourced! It's a thankless job....but it's HERE! In AMERICA! Yeah! USA! USA! USA!


Black Friday.
Cyber Monday.

What kind of bull crap gift is THIS? Thursday

It Black Friday soon, the day when they follow EVERYONE around like they're going to steal shit.

Just so you know, you CAN love someone AND wish they'd shut the fuck up.

I DON'T  wait for my steak to get cooked. I just bite cows on their asses. Yeah! #REALMan

John McCain watches the civil rights documentary "Eyes on the Prize" and yells "Unqualified!" at the screen for practice.

Watching these old sitcoms makes ME want to go to a vintage clothing store and buy some "You can't NOT see my balls jeans". You're welcome.

"Where am I!?!"
- John McCain looking frantically through a "PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL RELEVANT" guide


Whoa, whoa whoa.... I will NOT listen anymore to people who accuse this congress of being bigoted! Why? Because I know that shit already!

Just found an old bottle of Hai Karate in my uncles closet, he said I could have it and.....whoa, ladies! DON'T get naked HERE!

My sister was going to call in a vote to Dancing with the Stars, but Scott Walker slapped the phone out of her hand.

Hating family is the new "Everyday"

Nice "subtle" Windows tablet commercial during your show Hawaii 5-O, but the joke is on YOU, I was too busy drooling over Grace Park.

Like a romantic commercial, my last girlfriend lifted her leg when I kissed her. It was a reaction to salmonella. I was a bad cook then.

Dear random big chested lady dancing badly in a long camera shot at EVERY awards show. I need to do you.

I was just sexually harassing me.

So, is that "Gangnam Style" thing over now? Asking for the "Macarena" dudes.

The sperm in my testicles are picketing outside because of a lack of good jobs.

I'm not a doctor, but I banged one on top of an old TV.

I'm going into a random restaurant yelling like Gordon Ramsay, because getting fucked up by underpaid kitchen staff is on my bucket list.

Patreaus. Kardashian. Soon?

Even my bubble baths are extra manly, the bubbles all have sharp edges. Take that Chuck Norris!


"Brushed my teeth with broken glass, cause I'm a MAN!"
- Letter read to the emergency room nurse by a friend of the "MAN"

They don't have enough weights in this gym, I'm going to have to use my balls instead. #realman

I just walked past a gun shop....and the bullets apologized to ME...they remember what happened last time. #realman #beatsupbulletsforfun

Friends with my ex? Yeah, I ALSO like to sit in my car next to abandoned vehicles hoping to get their parking place. Wasting time is FUN!

My Agent says that I was just booked in the Lincoln sequel. Wait a minute!!!!!

Why were NO black actors called in to audition for "Lincoln"? RACISM!! Let's boyco.... oh.


Share THIS post....if you believe toddlers are too young to drive, puppies should NOT be used in skeet shooting and women should get their orgasms FIRST...then men should get theirs.

Do you care?

Do you REALLY?

Testicles WON'T coat with powdered sugar and nibble THEMSELVES...no matter how hard you concentrate and attempt to develop "Telekinesis"

Dear women, please bang me,
Your friend,

S. Anthony

Uh, people are surprised that McCain is a bitter d-bag? This...is...NOT...new...information.


"I'm ALSO raising MY prices because of Obamacare!"
- Red State Hookers

Do I take off my "I voted sticker" now? It's starting to look like crap and I want to start showering again...

Fun with Headlines! Romney Blames Loss on Obama’s ‘Gifts’ to Minorities and Young Voters (S. Anthony blames his being a lying d-bag.)

"Oh yeah, well tell your sister to secede from deez nuts!" - retired Def comedy jam comic hired to answer the secession petitions

"Do you feel lucky punks....well....do ya?"
-President Barrack "Dirty Harry" Obama to McCain & Graham at today's press conference

Don't trash talk the dead squirrel in your driveway. The other ones have guns and its a setup....trust me...


"You're dating a Major? Pfft! I was banging a FOUR star GENERAL!"
- Paula Broadwell to a lady at the newsstand (Probably)

So there is a new testosterone cream for guys to put in their armpits now? Well now you can add that as a SECOND excuse to wear a tee shirt during sex. The other excuse? Having your man boobs smack into each other so much that they sound like applause.

In a shocking “get even” aimed at states that want to secede after the election, Uncle Ben’s decides to ONLY make BROWN rice. Film at 11!

This Patraeus scandal makes me ask myself one question....
....who are the OTHER generals fucking?

I'm going to upload a video to WORLDSTARHIPHOP.COM   of me reading a book to my 6 year old cousin Can you say VIRAL VIDEO SMASH HIT!!!!!?!!!

"Citizens UNITED? Aw, that sounds nice. I mean, UNITED! Huh? It means WHAT!?!" - Person living in a cave

Citizens from 15 states have filed petitions to secede from the United States. Not racist...at all.

Dear hot female 40 year old authors, I'm unmarried, not goofy looking and my genitals are working. Leave married Generals alone!

"Move yo big ass round this way so I can work on that zipper baby! Tonight you're a star...and I'm the big dipper!"

-Sentences that only work for Prince


"You knock me offa my feet now baby.....whooooooo!"

- Sentences that only work for Michael Jackson

A health website says 1 in 3 men can't see their own penis ....and that's why my testicle camera business is going through the roof!!!

"NO, I'm ignoring YOU!" - Somebody... I think

"They're dumb!" - My 6 year old cousin seeing members of Congress on the science committee discuss science

Just got the ipad mini 2.0 It blew me. PROGRESS!!!!!

ANY asshole who fires employees just because the President won should be boycotted PERMANENTLY....AND hopefully the fired employees can be absorbed into similar businesses NOT owned by pieces of shit....oh well, I can dream can't I?

Boobs taste better than doughnuts.

That awkward moment when you realize that you're having an awkward moment because people can see your balls...and you like it. Fun!

David Petraeus Resigns As CIA Director, Citing Extramarital Affair
(If you can't even keep who you're boning a secret, you should resign)


"Hey Petraeus, ONE Extramarital Affair!?! Lightweight!"
- Tiger Woods

General Petraeus....taken down by his "little soldier".

General Petraeus....shouldn't have sent in "seal team 6"


"Put the hand mirror down, I'll be more than happy to tell you what your genitals look like up close!"
- S. Anthony helps the ladies


"Diamonds are a girl's best friend"
- Broke virgins

I don't want to go cold turkey on political ads. I'm going to have friends come to my house every 30 seconds and lie to me about things.

Breaking! Obama slaps Trump in his hair hat with his College transcript while heading to the stage to savor his VICTORY. Film at 11!

GM is alive, Bin Laden is dead, the President is STILL black and Donald Trump is a senior citizen acting like a spoiled child.

That moment when you realize that the lady you're talking to REALLY thinks your name is "ME DEEPUPINYA"

"Oh yeah, well I don't have money in the Caymans...I bought them! That's why you found nothing! Screw all of you!"
-Mitt gets real

Um, people who Facebook unfriend me because you started a political argument and lost because I have facts, THEN try to refriend me... NO.

'I Just Cannot Believe That The Majority Of Americans' Voted Obama
- Sarah Palin

"A BIGGER majority think you're an idiot"
- S. Anthony

A guy tried to mug me WITHOUT A WEAPON. I laughed at him. He walked away embarrassed. *True Story*

I had to post THIS on Facebook a while ago...unfortunately.

If ever you feel the desire to troll my page or post negative or stupid things here, just unfriend me. I see MANY things that I disagree with, but I respect YOU…so respect ME.

I’ve only unfriended 3 people since 2009, I really would rather NOT do it, but sometimes it’s a must. If you go to a person’s page, make ridiculous comments, some other fool joins in and then it becomes an avalanche of negativity…that’s not what interests me.

I like Facebook because it allows people to connect with old friends, exchange ideas and “meet” new people. Oh, and some people sell shit I guess.

I want to enjoy my page. I will not allow someone to make that impossible.

If you attempt that…bye bye. To everyone else (the other 99% of you) this doesn’t apply and for YOU, I have nothing but love.

Namaste. (Not saying goodnight yet, It’s being used as a term of affection this time) :)

Scott & Husted are vote suppressing scum that should be fired. Don't smile if it helps YOUR guy. That kind of power corrupts. You're next. They will fuck you over too. 

Mitt Romney's commercials keep getting booed here. I like this place.

YOUR new laptop is THIN. MY laptop has CURVES. Yeah! Also, it's broken. Don't try to reshape your laptop to make a point. Bad idea.

Obama GOOD.
Romney BAD.
Now you you don't have to keep scrolling down my page.


Forget your tablet computers! I have a gelcap computer. Yeah! I win! It just melted because it was too close to my coffee...

STOP LAUGHING AT ME!

I could NEVER hate someone that DIDN'T look like ME so much, that I'd vote for a lying phony who has my worst interest at heart. Nope. NEVER.