The S. Man Says...

Pistol whipping is used by criminals too cheap to replace their bullets. *Whispering* Warning shot!? Do you know how much bullets cost man?

Gynecologists & Bakers are similar. You spend all day fixing a sweet treat for others to eat & when you get home you aren't hungry anymore.

I didn't mind her baby talk...or her spanking me...but when she came with the diaper...c'mon! She...she read my mind!...uh...a friend said.

Now that the Olympics is over, I've got to find something else not to give a crap about. Oh yeah, my health! Pass the chili dog & the shake.

The S. Man Says...

My junk tastes like chocolate. It's not what you think...I was TOLD that! SHUT UP!!! YOU'RE weird!!! SHUT UP!!

"Fetish" has a negative connotation, not fair. She spilled ice cream in her armpit and it took me 45 min to lick it out. Problem?

I wish someone would invent a clock that tells people when they've over stayed their welcome.

Hey, THEY weren't specific enough about what they meant by "SACK RACE!!" They're just angry that I won!! Give me my pants back please!

One of my friends is a nympho and the other is asexual. When they shook hands they burst into flames. They'll be missed. (The nympho more.)

Last night in a lonely moment...I missed my cheating ex. My advise...always account for the wind when taking a shot from that distance.

DO NOT go to a topless bar bottomless, they WILL NOT get the irony or the joke.

How many ass whippings does a pick pocket take before they get good at it?

A Few Words From The S. Man...

My stalker is getting lazy again. Now she wants me to mail blackmail pictures of myself S.A.SE. so she can sign them and mail them back.

Don't shoot the messenger. Follow him back and shoot the person that sent the message.

Who needs reality shows when I have...Uh, a person has spy cameras. My neighbor has a cute butt...and she has my lawnmower! That liar!!

I accidently caught some of "The Bachelor" and not only did brain cells die, they died of auto erotic asphyxiation.

That healthcare summit yesterday looked like a custody battle between two parents who are each shouting "No...you take him" "NO...YOU!"

I've got so much drywall dust in my hair I look like I've been standing under a 7 foot cokehead, or had a girlfriend with vaginal dandruff.

Just spent the whole day helping a friend lay carpet and hang drywall....even as a euphemism today sucked!

I have a sad sack friend who has every stock he buys crash. I'm gonna loan him money to buy healthcare stocks. Take that you evil mofos!

I wish milk always came out of titties...I slurp on them endlessly anyway...but wouldn't it be nice.

Just Saying...

A cute lady at Lowe's caught me looking at her delicious bottom. Embarrassing. I had to get off of my knees, turn off the camera, buckle up...

The shampoo lady says her hands won't go any lower than the shoulders...well neither will mine at tip time....yeah, shampoo that junk girl.

Some guys hope their lady will grab their arm at scary movies. I hire a guy with a knife to jump out of an alley. I go the extra mile.

I love "Kitchen Nightmares."....the television show. Not my ex girlfriends attempts at cooking. No, I'm not bitter. *whispering* cheating ho.

My last girlfriend was really anal retentive...but then a neighbor threw cold water on us, we dislodged and scampered off of her lawn.

S. Anthony Says...

I like my women like I like my coffee, hot, black, .99cents and sometimes spilled in the parking lot of my local 7-11. #regretthisonealready

I've just signed the waiver. Ladies, feel free to sexually harass me.

Hello beautiful, may I buy you another glass of "makes me more attractive juice?"

If I were all powerful, politicians would get explosive diarrhea whenever they lied.

If you think that the snow was tough to shovel out of D.C...

It's tough to approach a pretty woman at a table full of them. What eases my mind is knowing I'll scream "You have herpes!" if she says no.

I'm a little confused. Is passive aggressive behavior when you pass someone and then hit them in the head when they're not looking? ;-)

Apparently when my date said we were going to eat chicken SHE DIDN'T mean sexually. Awkward.

Damn it! - My stalker is not using the latest spy equipment. She’s embarrassing me with the other victims. You can’t get a good picture of me sleeping with just 4 megapixels. She’d better step it up or I’m closing the blinds!

Cheating Ex just called. Not only wasn’t the grass greener…but the blades weren’t of comparable quality. Hmm. Too bad.

S. Anthony Says...

Memorize when your woman's period is and start spoiling her two days early. #ifyouwanttoliveorhavesexeveragain

Is it wrong to think "Jackpot!!" when you see pretty young woman buying the morning after pill and smiling?

I'm in the mirror right now practicing my "Oh, I didn't know my fly is open" face. (Editors note: I know it's open.)

Ladies did you know that giving me daily booty is the cure for several major illnesses? *thinking*...are they buying this? God I hope so!

A dog is mans best friend....oh...that explains why he's humping your girlfriends leg...wait, what?

Mac vs PC. Said quickly that sounds like the name of a 70's era blacksploitation porno movie doesn't it?

Just got back from a long trip to Lowe's. I didn't know the store was named after the mood & esteem of the cashier I got.

While everyone else was playing spin the bottle, me and the girl that drank the contents of the bottle were in the closet screwing.

Her: Where do you get off?... Him: *Points to her genitals* Her: *Laughing* What am I going to do with you? Him: *Points to the bedroom*...

If I ever marry an Ice skater and you come to my house to visit...call first because I will be constantly bottomless. Those ladies are hot!!

S. Anthony Says...

Ah, if only healthcare was as omnipresent as porno...what a world it would be...

Facebook = Microsoft. Twitter = Apple. That is all.

I feel like a perv when I see these 20yr olds in makeup commercials. My being pantless doesn't help nor does my doing it at target.

Guys...Transference=unconscious redirection of feelings, Transsexual=gender dysphoria...and another fight at thanksgiving is averted.

I hate when smart asses say "Do the math!" I just want to say "Before math, how about I count backwards? Punching you out in 5...4...3..."

Medical marijuana, schmedical marijuana...I want medical booty or at least medical oral....my friend who isn't me said.

It should be illegal to walk a dog more than half your weight...or a kid more than half your weight. I have spoken! So it shall be done!!!!

S. Anthony Says...

I was hit on last night by a woman so together and so off of the charts beautiful that I still think it's a really a practical joke...

I can't wait to get married someday. To go from getting laid occasionally to getting laid a little more than occasionally. Lucky bastards!

If I step in dog poop, I should be able to return it to the dog owner...in any way that I see fit.

....Gone fishing...for compliments. How's my hair look?

Can I get a witness!?!... DO NOT yell that anywhere near the Watchtower Society. Just sayin'...

See a penny, pick it up and all day long you'll have dog piss on your fingers.

As an adult I'm embarrassed at the way people speak to each other. What a wonderful world it would be if politicians were adults too.

I was checking my pockets for my keys and touched my balls by accident...(yes accident shut up!) Can I sue myself for harassment?

Just Thinking...

Just found out that a "Friend" of mine is a lying asshole. So, I guess this guy in the bathtub full of ice is getting his kidney back.

I want to thank TV networks for being open about not even trying anymore. They should just wear hats that say "F*ck you and What R U gonna do?

In a few minutes I need to workout so I can get back to my fighting weight. Well, the fighting didn't get me in shape, it was the running.

Can we all agree that anyone that calls your house after midnight that isn't screwing you or on fire should be punched in the face!?!

Their slogan: "Save money, live better...WalMart" My Response: " Well, one out of two ain't bad!"

80% of Toyota's sold are still on the road. The other 20% are in backyard pools, peoples living rooms, lakes & other cars back fenders...

Just Thinking...

Just found out that a "Friend" of mine is a lying asshole. So, I guess this guy in the bathtub full of ice is getting his kidney back.

I want to thank TV networks for being open about not even trying anymore. They should just wear hats that say "F*ck you and What R U gonna do?

Just Thinking...

Just found out that a "Friend" of mine is a lying asshole. So, I guess this guy in the bathtub full of ice is getting his kidney back.

S. Anthony Says...

Tiger Woods apologizes this morning. He misspelled Bucket list. "It wasn't a F*ck it list? Ooops!" Film @ 6& 11

Tiger must apologize, Cheney doesn't have to. Hilarious. Priority classes begin at 7am Monday.

Hey, keep it down. Tigers junk is going to give a press conference next.....

Big deal, Tiger had sex with 15 waitresses, I've had sex with more than 15 waitresses...and where were the cameras? Ok, where were the cameras that I didn't have hidden in a clock.

I would like to apologize to my right hand for occasionally using my left so it would "Feel like somebody else is doing it!" I was wrong.

Women get mad if you fantasize about another woman during "it". They get even more angry if during "it" you hold up a picture of her.

For the men of America I want to thank Tiger Woods. Now WE ALL have to write 15 minute apologies for everything! Douchebag!!!

90 days "without" is one of the treatments for sex addiction? Then I've been getting treatment lately for a disease that I don't have!!!!

That salesman was a liar! If this was really a "Good belt" It would be easier to cut new holes in it with my table knife.

Men like their nipples played with too! I say this because my hands are hurting and I'm alone and...I've just said too much...

Why is my cousin showing me pictures of her baby, when he's on my lap right now? You know...I can just look down and see him.

Shouldn't it be called practicebation until you truly "Master" it?

S. Anthony Says...

My life now is like a movie with the sex scenes edited out. But i'm about to re-edit it and release the unrated directors cut! RATED MA!!

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Well, life has been handing me shit lately...so I'm making a cable news network.

One of my exes was sexual napalm also. It's been years since we dated and the burning JUST stopped.

This guy just missed his stop in a revolving door. If you drive that badly they take your license. I might have to take this guys shoes.

There are many more stupid people in the country than I thought.

I want to thank my neighbor for going to work at 9am giving me plenty of time to read his paper in the bathroom before returning it.

DO NOT flash the red light traffic camera. It doesn't make you more believable when you tell the judge that you weren't drinking.

If you look normal in a funhouse mirror, that's good right?...Damn.

Always guard your drink on a date. Some lady put something in my beer that made me interested in hearing about her cats. Calling 911 now...

The S. Man Says...

James Cameron must be directing my balls...because they're huge and blue. Ladies?

The Oscars are coming up soon. I'm getting a head start on not giving a crap.

Success is the greatest revenge. Nah, I still say a car fire and getting her sisters pregnant is much much better.

I don't believe in corporal punishment for kids...but if they were secretly recorded dissing the school bully and the tape got leaked...

There is NO SUCH THING as a "Strap on Colonoscopy"

I would sext you all, but you'd better have the new imax iphone.

I'm buying my new girlfriend breast implants. I haven't met her yet...but they were on sale and I like being prepared.

The S. Man Says...

Forget sexting. I'm texturbating now! Yeah, I took it to another level...because I'm the man!!!!

My Penises nickname?... "Pleasant Surprise!"

Objects in this mirror much larger than they appear....and thus another accidental cocaine over dose officer.

Thanks to that "political group", when I squat over a lady and repeatedly dip my balls in her mouth...I feel...I don't know...dirty...

Interesting...at Mardi Gras, titties get you beads...the funny thing is if the titties stay out too long...you get a pearl necklace...

It's like you can't pick up a woman at a bar in Vegas without her being a high priced hooker. I'm not complaining, it's more of a heads up.

Watching American Idol is like watching gymnastics, you wait for their age to pop up on the screen before you allow yourself to get a boner.

S. Anthony Says...

When you go to church, you give a guy money to tell you that everything that you're doing is wrong. When you go to a strip club, you pay a naked woman to tell you that you can do no wrong. Church attendance is down, strip club attendance is up. Coincidence?

Every time I try to get something done this morning, a group of idiots gets in my way just to screw with me. Oh, it's Presidents day.

Hey guy who just left the bathroom, just because the term courtesy flush is singular, doesn't mean that you HAVE to do it just once!

Have you ever misspelled a word so badly that the computer wouldn't even give you the option of adding it to the dictionary? Mi kneether.

I sext and drive a Toyota. Take that you pussy "Extreme Athletes!"

Breaking News! The Supreme Court just ruled that Corporate CEO'S can randomly bang poor people in the ass without asking. Film @ 6 &11

The S. Man Says...

Jazz musicians are some of the best in the world. They have to be. You try playing the piano with "Jazz Hands"

Hey! I was here first, so technically it's NOT stalking!...Uh, these just LOOK like panties from her bedroom drawer officer...

Shotgun wedding? * SCOFFS*...ever have a woman make you give her shotgun oral? (I was gonna do it anyway...but, whatever turns her on)

I'm tired of shoveling snow every two days! I haven't shoveled this much since my neighbor disappeared...which was a total coincidence...

If beer gives you goggles what does crack give you? *Sees crack head molesting a jukebox*...oh...apparently brain bleeding and a blindfold.

More friggin' snow! Someone please tell mother nature that all of the "Yo Mama" jokes people are telling AREN'T about her!

This is the first time in almost a decade that I didn’t have a serious girlfriend on New Years Eve and Valentines day. I thought that it would be a lonely and or painful experience. Fortunately, that isn’t the case.

I seem to be at one of those points in my life where I really don’t NEED anyone, but would love to have someone. It’s a great place to be. I know from personal experience that it’s better to have a solid foundation on which to build a relationship, not the quicksand my previous ones were built on. YOU must be a WHOLE person BEFORE you invite someone to build a life with you. I know this now. Lesson learned.

I will say in closing that going a long time without a regular girlfriend is difficult for someone (Me) with a really high *eh hem* lets say “Drive”. But… I am willing to chill for a while. I would like to also warn the next woman that I get serious with…when I find you, and we get to “that point”…IT’S ON!!!!! Dig?

The S. Man Says...

Someone please tell my cousin's Basketball coach that he's only supposed to do "Cup Checks" on THE TEAM...and NOT with is MOUTH!

I don't have GUILTY pleasures...just pleasures. OK, I felt guilty once...then the charges were dropped and it was all good again.

...hey, if cats can lick themselves clean.....DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!

"They need to be more clear when they ask people if they want to GO on a roller coaster!" Yelled the unfortunate people UNDERNEATH IT.

I love spending Sunday morning deep deep in Sudoku....huh?...game? There's a game with that name? Hey, baby there's a game named Sudoku too!

....a choker chain, is a TYPE of chain. NOT a suggestion. In other news, I need to borrow bail money...for a friend...who is not me...

I didn't know that I had klan members in my neighborhood...probably because they're Atheists...and can't figure out what to burn on my lawn.