Friday, September 30, 2011

Pat Buchanan, we ALL know you're a bigot, so saying racist things is boring coming from you. Want attention? May I suggest B.A.S.E. jumping?

S. Anthony Thomas (Groin pull) is questionable for Saturday's powerbanging. More results after the MRI...

If the lady at the drive thru asks "Can I get you anything else?", DON'T say "Yes, it rhymes with USSY!"  McDonald's coffee is STILL hot.

September said some really disturbing things during it's exit interview. I'm getting a restraining order. Give it about a year to cool off.

Breaking news! Bank of America now charges 25 cents to say "Bank of America" Film at 11!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Dear sex drive, how about shutting the hell up when I'm driving. Women with cute butts will be there after I'm out of the car! OK!?!

Congress, proof that the crazy people on the subway CAN find work.

I'm pretty low maintenance as a boyfriend now. My criteria is simple. DON'T steal my money and DON'T be a whore, simple...right?

MY brain has been out of "the wash" for a while now...let me see, yup, Herman Cain still sucks.

Got on my sunglasses. Why? Because your clock is sparkling....cause I just cleaned that mothaf*cka! - Me after winning my next argument

TV blows, but not in the "grow emotionally attached to it and want to hear about it's day" kind of way.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

(Innocuous political comment based on fact)
(Irrational response that becomes xenophobic, racist and misogynistic)
I just saved you some time. You're welcome.

It disappoints me when someone that I've known for a while drops a slur out of nowhere. I'll be changes how I feel about them...

Dear house guest, that soap has been in 5 people's asses...and yes, your face looks fresh and clean.

Women inspect themselves with little hand mirrors, I use HD video....I like to eat popcorn and inspect myself in slow motion later that day.

I'm the ONLY one the people in the 7-11 smile at. It's probably because I'm the ONLY one that hasn't shot them. Yet.... *dramatic music*

Whenever I hear a smart ass young person spout off, I don't want them to "Get theirs" later. I want sh!t to happen to them NOW!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

My uncles are mad at me because I have all of my hair, but shave my head. Wait until they find out how long I can effortlessly keep "it" up.

Ah Facebook, the place where we PRETEND to keep up with old friends. are you doing (insert name of friend or loved one here)?

Ah Facebook, the place where we PRETEND to keep up with old friends. are you doing (insert name of friend or loved one here)?

Does ANYONE else here get frisked when they check Facebook?

My buddy joined one of those weight loss deals from TV. There was NO cute black lady there singing to him like in the commercial. LIARS!!!!!

Forget nip slips, when I do Dancing With The Stars....get ready for my BALL SPRAWL!


If anyone subscribes to me NOW, you'll get an NFL Helmet. It's at the NFL Store. You just have to give them the asking price at the cash register and they'll give it right to you.

You're welcome.

(Editors note for stupid people, there is no Helmet ya dope...I'm joking)

I'm going to sell chocolate and vanilla brownies, but the chocolate ones will have much bigger nuts. Take that affirmative action bake sale!

Monday, September 26, 2011

Doritos creator dies at 97, he will be buried with chips....inside of a coffin much much bigger than necessary.

Someone left a half eaten container of Chinese food on my car. I will probably be on the news tonight.

Some people eat a grape at the market, some people use a depends undergarment out of the pack... some should not have admitted that.

"Girl, I'd hit that so hard you'd need a hip replacement!" - A teenager at the mall just now making sure that masturbation is in his future

Nancy Grace has a nip slip on Dancing with the Stars, ipecac syrup sales plummet. Film at 11!

My cable package has a special filter that covered Nancy Grace's boobs with Janet Jackson's from the Superbowl. The best $29.99 ever spent!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

I have learned to expect nothing.

Pitchers get pulled after a certain pitch count. I am going to start doing that to people after a certain word count.

Wow! “Eyes on the Prize” looks great in color. Huh? This is the wall street protest? In 2011!?! Whoa….

It can sometimes be amusing listening to the partially informed spout inaccuracies because of intellectual laziness, if it's the press... not so much.

How can the news mention Wall Street, WITHOUT mentioning the constant protests? Oh, they're whores. I forgot.

When I go back to Hollywood, I'm going to pitch the most dopey sh!t I can, just to see what happens. *1yr later* Thanks for this award!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

"Hi, I'm William Kisses, and yes...millions of people blow me daily." -Not a real guy

Why the Cease and Desist order? You'd think that he'd be flattered that I wanted to name my new show "Deepak Okra"

Freshly shaved testicles. Body spray. DON'T.

"You mean, John Wayne movies AREN'T documentaries!?!"  - Rick Perry

Exxon's YouTube channel is just a bunch of videos with the executives saying "Nah nah, nah nah nah!" into the camera. Classy.

Herman Cain wins Republican Straw Poll in FL, confused residents thought that they were voting to stop Hurricanes. Film at 11!

"THIS is the BEST we could get!?!" - the voting public

You win a "Straw Poll" by being the one that comes up with the best "Straw Man" argument, right? Huh?

"No! I'm not playing anymore! You said it was MY turn to be the "Huh huh huh huh" guy!" - Kids discover Grand Master Flash and the Furious 5

REAL MEN eat vegetable lasagna while they watch the UFC! NO, YOUR friends are giving YOU a hard time!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Dear guy who took the LAST gas pump, I know you didn't mean to almost make me late, you may have not even seen me...but f*ck you ANYWAY.

Would you trade places with the soldier (who happened to be gay) that you booed? No? Then shut the fuck up. That is all.

O'Reilly "Strikes back" at Stewart. Bill...Jon is an F1 jet, you are a blind guy on the ground with a carton of eggs. Stay in your lane.

My next car will probably be a compact, so I'm going to start dating yoga students, because I refuse to give up back seat of the car lovin'!

Dear extremists, If you call Morgan Freeman racist names because he called you I need to go further?

I prefer my "medina" hot...I'll learn to deal with the "funky".

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I've got to get a drug problem and date some hookers quickly or my inevitable Celebrity roast is going to SUCK!

...walking into a bus station bathroom just as a guy uses Febreze® on his ass crack....Priceless.

Dear NEW Charlie's Angels, Bosley is supposed to be a lovable goof that oversees the ladies, NOT a guy who could actually get them in bed!

Somewhere in the world, a person slept through the whole day. That person had a better and MORE productive day than I did.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Chaz Bono DIDN'T want to change sexes....Facebook did it for him. Without asking, you know like they make all of their other big changes.

"To serve man...IT'S A COOKBOOK!" - What critical thinkers are yelling to people who support the current congress

 REM after 31 years it's NOT a "split up", It's "retiring".

Breaking News! House majority tries to explain their mysterious Cameron Diaz "There's Something about Mary up-dos" as smiling Koch brothers are seen zipping up and sneaking out of the back entrance. Film at 11!

Dear TV shows that go one minute over to keep us on your channel. Uh, maybe you should have stolen EVERY CLOCK IN THE WORLD FIRST!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

"Ladies DO like "nice guys" pretend to be one until you sleep with
them!" - Bad boys

"Oh crap! Put that gun down!" - Bad boy who picked on the WRONG woman

"Stop laughing! I am NOT too OLD for the club! STOP laughing!" - Bad boy who NEVER learned

...and THAT ends my "Bad boy trilogy" No questions NOW, I'll answer questions about the series at NEXT year's Comic-Con.

Dear Millionaires AND Billionaires....hide your money from the President, by GIVING it to ME!!! I'll take good care of it. I promise...

I'm about to "house" somebody's toilet paper.

I'm going to start a NEW "Secret Society"....I mean, no I'm NOT. *whew*

DADT ends. The world DOESN'T explode. Straight dudes DON'T "Become gay". Bigots and morons wrong...AGAIN. Duh.

Marcus Bachmann Enlists. Film at 11!

Red face, slurred speech, contradicts himself in mid sentence, cries for NO reason....John Boehner you're fooling no one, PASS THAT JOINT!!

I'm searching the web for "2 broke girls" reaction videos.

"Race card" doesn't apply to actual racism. Using "Race card" as a "Straw man" defense of racism, is racism, or at least race insensitivity

I'm hoping congress will begin to repeal *DTDA next. *Don't Think Don't Act. Because that also needs to stop.

"Stop, drop, shut em down open up shop!" - DMX or GOP

Planking. Cut that shit out. Thanks.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Imagine how good life would be if ALL government offices worked as fast as John Boehner does rejecting ideas that he hasn't even heard yet.

Find out the 5 things that are KILLING you NOW!!! - Every news promo

Breaking news! "HUBRIS", through it's spokesperson, disavows congress and threatens to sue ANYONE who suggests a connection between the two.

If I became President, I'd "Draw a line in the SNOW"... yeah, deal with THAT mofos!!!!

I'd still do you. (my message to women with cats)

I'm enjoying a tall refreshing glass of phuckitall.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Two people that I liked closed their twitter accounts. I JUST noticed. Too bad. (That'll get me off of the suspect list) *burns clothes*

"Show me on this doll where Mayweather sucker punched you..." - Detective on Law & Order K.O.

The next time that I have sex in public it will be during a wall st protest...I mean it's not like the press will be there.

You know those things that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy...I just wished them on mine. Well, YOU weren't using them!

Class warfare meant a different thing when I was in school. See this scar? That's from a millionaire beating me up for my lunch box. Wait, what?

Saturday, September 17, 2011

There is really no GOOD reason to sit on the steps of an abandoned house.

(Pejoratives + Exclamation points) + Racial epithets - compassion x endlessness  ≠ Worthwhile political or religious conversation.

What I've learned from this commercial so far...people choose breakfast cereals based on how douchey a guy dresses while selling it.

You'd figure that I'd be a husband and father by now with me being so low maintenance. "Are these GREEN M&M's!?!" *storms out, slams door*

Friday, September 16, 2011

(Just a thought...)

An unbiased person can acknowledge TALENT and hate CONTENT. Maddow is great & I love her content. Limbaugh is talented and DON'T like his content. That is the difference between a RATIONAL person and the people that USUALLY post comments on the web. I think for MYSELF. I am NOT a mean spirited, ideological troll.

I write this because I see so many people write "SHE (Maddow) is the WORST". Sorry. Not buying it. She's BRILLIANT. She's also too accurate, too professional, too fair and too honest for an UNBIASED person to say that. Once again, Limbaugh is a brilliant radio performer, I just don't like that he uses his talent to promote inaccuracies & bigotry. I'm NOT looking for an argument, So if you are a person that feels the need to write hateful things or attack because I disagree with've come to the wrong place. I don't engage in that type of conversation in person or on the web. I just felt the need to make this point. The end
A hot 20something said I was cute and asked me to "Take her home and give her what she needs" I turned her down. Yeah, my favorite position.

I just stole Louie Gohmert's parking spot! That doody head! I can ALSO act like a 5 year old.

I admit there are SOME pictures of Palin and Bachmann that make "it' move. "It" is an independent like I am...but I CAN override THAT vote.

Is there a hitman that you can hire to kill a fly? EXTRA money if you torture it first.

The murder rate is DOWN!?! How are we going to fill out our Friday night 9-11 time slot!?! - Dateline NBC

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Have YOU ever been attracted to a Relative? Cindy or Marsha? You know...the Relative sisters. Wait, you thought....YOU SICK FREAKS!!!!

Too bored with Pat Robertson to write a joke about HIM. So here's another. I like my women like I like my coffee, microwaveable. Wait, what?

"YOU TOO!?! - Marcus Bachmann's text to Sarah Palin

A $68 condom from Louis Vuitton. Finally, something to go with my $100 testicle covers from Tommy Hilfiger.

Reality show. Likes black dudes. You won't admit it but you WOULD love to sleep with her. (Palin or Kardashian)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

"You're wrong no matter what, because you're different than me!"
- Political debate....American style

"Deeez neeeyuts!" - 16 year old me if I won an argument with you. Or if I just felt like saying it. Or....

Nope, I'm NOT going to apologize for THIS joke:
“You’ve got your peanut butter on my chocolate!”
“I’ve had my chocolate in your former governor!”  - Glen Rice at the Alaskan border being childish

I'll bet that Sarah Palin secretly wants some of Obama's "Hopey-changey thing". No wonder she's always taking shots at him!

Wait, I thought when they said Sarah Palin was "on the basketball team" they meant as a player...OOOOOOH, NOW I get it!

That moment when you realize that you have been SETTLING in a certain area of your life ....and decide it will stop immediately. Yup.

Big glass of apple juice…turn to the channel of my choice and get ready to watch THREE’S COMPANY…and instead it’s… THE ROPERS! Nooooooo! Damn you combined syndication packages!!!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

If you're looking for BBC's Dr Who on the web, be careful. "BBC" means different things on different sites...

I need to get married while I'm STILL pretty. Just kidding. I'll ALWAYS be pretty. Or I'll become rich. Either way....I WILL GET REGULAR "ACTION"!

Dear traffic jam that exists for no good reason....f*ck you!

Dear next guy to sleep with Lady Gaga, you probably DON'T have to be shy about asking her to wear weird outfits in bed for you.

I just saw two gorgeous Asian angels that were so incredible that It made paying $400 for this soda at 7-11 almost worth it.

McDonald's WiFi. 2 girls 1cup video. Large screen laptop. Large McDonald's window by a crowded bus stop. Someone make THIS happen please!

Some Obama supporters consider a republican for 2012, in other news, rabbits tire of briar patches and consider the warmth of lions' dens.

In my house we refer to the toilet as “congress”…because they are both usually full of the same thing.

Monday, September 12, 2011

I'm trying to keep my posts clean from now on. Is there a clean way to tell ladies to stop ignoring the balls?

"Arrrrr! Kiss me black ass!" - Me as an annoyed pirate

I'm NOT a snake charmer...but we DO have an UNDERSTANDING. Also, I am part mongoose.

Dear women who make extra space between their genitals and you when you hug don't have special invisible assault junk. Calm down.

I will be skipping the GOP debate tonight and watching the football game with my friends SCIENCE, REASON, CLASS, TRUTH & GOOD RACE RELATIONS

 My head isn't hurting anymore, I guess the debate is over.

If there are ANY new dating reality shows on TV this fall or EVER...the terrorists win.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Why Try?

I just got yelled at by a guy who was mad at me for refuting his theory that you could jump out of a crashing plane 10 feet from the ground and survive.
Me: No, your body would be traveling at 500mph. You'd be killed.
Him : NO! I'd jump out feet from the ground!

-----> What followed was 10 minutes of wasted time on my part trying to explain to a hot headed 30 year old why his theory was inaccurate. Keep in mind I DIDN'T initiate the conversation.

Me: Okay, ask someone that you trust.
I get the feeling that this guy will vote for Rick Perry. 

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Pro Tip: When on porno sites ALWAYS choose "Top Rated" over "Most Discussed". "Discussed" sounds like "Disgust" for a reason. Trust me.

We'll know that we've made it when we can discuss religion and politics without problems. You pray to who and voted for WHAT!?! *pulls gun*

Eric Cantor is like a 3yr old ONLY child doing progressively bad things to get daddy's attention at the cocktail party.

The Milwaukee Brewers Home uniform makes me think that they sell ice cream from a Mr Softee truck after the game.

I didn't catch you IN a lie, but you sure had a comfortable seat ON that motherf*cker....

How is it that I feel THIS much better and THIS quickly just because I'm eating more plant based foods? Who knew that lard slurpees and an Intravenous mayo drip were BAD things?

"Here's your your birthday gift! BEFORE you open it, we're going to have to offset the cost by giving away your dog." - Eric Cantor's Mom

Friday, September 9, 2011

Breaking News!!! Chris Wallace blasts Brian Williams for liberal bias during GOP debate. In other news, dogs sue mailmen for biting THEM.

So what if my posts on Facebook are clean. I am NOT a SELLOUT! Excuse me, I got to go there and post my muffin recipe...I mean dirty pics...

Aw shit, did Rick Perry just buy a copy of "My Pet Goat"?

Upon FURTHER reflection....yes. Yes I WILL kiss your ass lady.

Familiarity breeds...and it's kids are ugly as hell!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Lady GAGA's kids will be able to pronounce their mom's name faster than most babies.

Toilet paper, razor blades are kicking your ass. TWO ply...pfft. Losers!

I now have a flat screen in the kitchen. Yeah, that's right! Well, I've got to go upstairs now...I hate carrying this thing around the house

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Why was my sister so pissed at me for trading "YO MAMA" jokes with my nephew? Oh.

Dear politicians, we know that the things "leaked" from your speeches are your attempts to test market your ideas. Okay? Stop being punks.

Huffpo headline: S. Anthony Thomas Laid Out Flat!
Reality: S. Anthony Thomas gets into his hammock

I love chocolate chip cookies...and ANYONE who doesn't will get diarrhea FOREVER!!!! - If cookies were religions

Does ANYONE still pay attention to the Rotund Radio Racist or the Bombastic Blonde B.S. Artist anymore? If so, you shouldn't.

Sen. Mitch McConnell REJECTS the President's plane BEFORE hearing it,  assuring an addition to next years dictionary... "Preobstruction"

I may watch the debate tonight so I can practice my spontaneous spit takes.

Breaking News! Hundreds sent to ER playing the "Mention Reagan drinking game" watching GOP debate Film at 11!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

S. Anthony says...

Dear me 2 years from now....

You're welcome.
Dear people that are shocked that Eddie Murphy is hosting the Oscars... CHRIS ROCK DID IT TOO!!! Shut up!!!!! ;-)

It's ALMOST time to start complaining like a punk about football! I can't wait!

I'm going to kill all of the grass in my backyard and put in AstroTurf! Screw you lawnmower!

Dear congress, this cake you're letting us eat isn't doing the job...and stop that fiddling! (I wonder if these references are too vague...)

I'm now at the point where I look for women LEAST likely to burn my house down after a breakup. I look for love second. Ok ass second then love.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Why does my phone battery die as two old guys in Hoveround®'s get into a joust/slap fight? Why god, why!?!

Jim Demint knows that he can't "out crazy" the front runners, so he tries to "out a-hole" them. Sorry, they've got you beat there too.

Starving college athlete takes money to eat, penalized harshly. Rich guy who took advantage of that kid...nothing. Sounds fair to me.

"Elizabeth! This is the BIG ONE! What heart attack? Look down baby, I'm just showing off!"  - Sanford and Son...the prequel

I would love another shot at having a show...but when I look at TV shows now, I'm either going to have to get kidnapped (20/20, Dateline), marry a woman with anger issues and no impulse control (ANY Housewives of show) or have shockingly impressive singing skills that defy my looks (X Factor).

Angst ridden my house...right now...YAY!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

You REALLY have to trust someone to let them shave your balls. Oh no...I'm finally bored with porno films....

Fox has Football AND UFC....the new Network logo should have a beard on it.

I let my family rope me into having a barbecue earlier this year, somehow I got stuck doing ALL of the cooking. Now that I have drastically cut down on my meat eating...they have stopped hinting that I should cook.
(I'm going to tell them that I'm drastically cutting down on my cash lending next.)

Hey, this "Watching paint dry channel" is pretty interesting. Thanks PREMIUM PACKAGE! *cancels, starts watching HULU*

Sometimes I look at pictures of female celebs at Hollywood parties…(you know the ones that I mean, where they take pictures hugging guys)… look at their faces. They sooooo don’t want to be there.

They look like they’re five years old and it’s time to eat the Brussels sprouts.

I know how to have multiple orgasms. Yup. Women 10, ME 3. That sounds bad but they beat the rest of you 10 to NOTHING! HA!

Friday, September 2, 2011

"The President is idiotic!" - JoeWalsh
"I'm sorry, couldn't hear you. I'm too busy supporting MY kids!" - Barack Obama...could say...

I set up so many of my relatives medicine trays that I feel like drug dealer when I finger a girlfriend.

It's actually annoying being a very smart person and watching American politics. My head hurts.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

CEO's.... golden parachute.
Everyday Americans.... golden showers.
Congressional's FANTASTIC! (Congress blows)

I had to go into the drug store to get Ex lax for my he described the reasons that he needed it....ALL the way there.... and ALL the way back.

I now DO NOT need ipecac syrup.

Aging NOTICEABLY better than your CHEATING ex is AWESOME.

Lou hoo hoo hoo hooo. Sorry, sometimes I have a Ted Knight speech impediment. (If you get THIS, you're old or watch TV Land)

Don't worry about your stretch marks ladies, I can't see them through the pudding I'm spreading on you anyway. Okay? Good. Pants off please.