Wednesday, June 29, 2011

There's NO male equivalent of the vibrator, it's not necessary. But... if they create a ball slurping device, I'd sell my car to get it.

I sometimes have fantasies about a threesome with Maddow & DeGeneres. Hey, If I'm awful how would they know?

Today I was the leader of a flash mob. I had everyone do what they would normally do at EXACTLY 12pm. You people didn't even notice. LAME!

Ladies, if I haven't been IN you REGULARLY....I'm not going to Lowe's with you. You have been warned. DON'T ASK!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Numb inside. DO NOT buy Chloraseptic® in bulk at Costco. trust me.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Before the big bang? The big nipple slurp...the big butt cheek nibble...the big lick...the big... oh you meant... never mind.

I'm going to NY and I'm going to marry a dude, just because I can. No, I'm not gay...I'm pissed at my mom. PUT ME BACK IN THE DAMNED WILL WOMAN!

I watched the NY vote last night live. Congrats NY for getting it right. Are you listening rest of the country and the world?

If I ever decide to direct porno, I want to be known for my high quality work and for my film's lack of man ass shots.

The fact that I'm NOT getting it on with a hottie right now pisses me off.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

"NO politician, movie star etc, will EVER be PERFECT. Perfection is a myth. Calm the hell down."- An adult

Do I believe that people should have their right to privacy...or is it that I don't give a damn? Don't answer, I don't care what you think.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

F*ck you HULU, I watched the Bachelorette by accident for 5 seconds! Stop suggesting Real Housewives to me dammit!

If you're the relative of a person that ISN'T a slave to the prison of being "normal" enjoy it. Don't be an a-hole, YOU may learn something.

My gorgeous eye doctor said that I am "A delicious man"...okay, to you it sounded like "Mr Thomas, your eyes are in great health, see you next year!"...but when was the last time that you had your ears checked? Huh? DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME!!!

I got into my time machine and gave Schrödinger's cat potassium iodide in her water dish. Yeah, take THAT! I hate paradoxes!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

There should have been a warning on my ex, maybe a picture of me wanting to jump off of a cliff after dealing with her. #justlikecigarettes

Dish washing liquid, only "HELPS" wash dishes. I would file a class action suit against these companies...but with THIS supreme court....

"Get your ass OUTTA MY CHAIR!" *throws chair* *crowd yells Steeeeve!* - Why I can no longer ride the subway

Monday, June 20, 2011

See what you did supreme court!?! You let Walmart off the hook & they change their slogan to "Lowest prices when we f*cking feel like it!"

S Anthony Thomas, turning women on with the way he eats ice cream since 1987

GOP, I don't agree with your ideology but if you use the power you have to outlaw lame ass radio announcer voices, I might vote for you.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

To the fellas...Happy Father's day! To the ladies...if we get started NOW, next year someone can say that to ME. Let's go!

Really big, tall, hefty guys that date tiny tiny women...stop that. Prove that you're strong at the gym, OK? We see you, we know what's up!

If people who knew me in real life ever read my tweets, they'd be shocked. Hahahaha, just kidding. I say that crap In real life too!

Teens...are destroy us! You didn't hear that from me.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Hey, hot neighbor, stop screwing drunks and complaining that they're unreliable. Also, START screwing ME. Thanks.

Hi dealers down the street, you have more money that I...but I've done something you'll NEVER do....pass the age of 30.

It always amuses me how far from the words/ teachings of the founder/inspiration of a religion that the practitioners are.

Friday, June 17, 2011

I speak of myself in the 3.23rd person, because I'm better that you. I repeat, S. Anthony is .23 BETTER than you!!!

So, how far does this Congress and these new Governors have to insert their feet into people's anuses before the pain makes them act to protect themselves? Just wondering...

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I'm watching two people argue politics. It's amazing seeing two people that don't know what they're talking about generate so much hate.

(MY Press conference)
"Mr Thomas did you tweet "junk pics" to the ladies?"
"Aren't you ashamed!?!"
"You must not have seen the pics."

After massive pressure builds up my Weiner also resigns. (See what I did there? Yeah, genius)

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Flirting only works on me if I'm CURRENTLY getting it on with you. If not, please begin...or you're wasting both of our time.

Store around the corner, me standing at the counter for 10 minutes and being seen WITHOUT being helped = you lose my business. See ya.

If they made it legal to punch people in the neck that sit on your car....the world would be a much nicer place.

Breaking Fake News! WI Gov Walker & supreme court, make it illegal for the poor to stand too close together or whisper without permission.

I would love to find out that there was a Weiner/Palin sex tape. That would be the best news story ever. Can you two make that happen?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Sitting here watching a lady flirt with everyone but her boyfriend who's trying to get her attention. The manifestations of both of their individual self esteem problems is fascinating.

Male or female, if your significant other needs attention that badly....GET OUT!!!

The "tease game" bores me. That's why I choose to not play.

Shouldn't we have state and federal supreme courts that CAN'T be turned into corporate (insert derogatory word for indentured servant)?

We need a "balance" for idiotic supreme court "checks", don't we?

5 hour energy. No. Getting adequate sleep is free. Also, meth and crack are cheap. Wait, what?

Monday, June 13, 2011

Anthony Weiner feels sorry for Lebron today....

Herman Cain....picking up where Trump left off....and the clock says 13 min.

Culture wars = "please ignore the man behind the curtain!"

When I date, I'm a one woman man, when ogling, I want variety...I'm an eye slut.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Blue balls are frustrating....mine are paisley now. Should I be worried?

Never mind, they're brown again. All is well.

Shout out to Gabrielle Giffords, it's great to see you smile again Mrs. Giffords.

If my teen relatives keep texting me, I'm giving their cell numbers to random members of congress. That'll teach them!

Trading nude pics with horny young women...and NOT banging them. Congressmen really can't finish anything. With me nude pics FOLLOW banging.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Anthony Weiner. Lebron James. Donald Trump. Sarah Palin.....Sorry, I'm a little tired. All I have is premises right now...

"Failure is temporary. Being a soul draining d-bag is permanent."
- An inspirational quote by S. Anthony.

"Put down that ipad 30, go out and get laid for goodness sake!"
- Current teens as parents

I don't have an iphone. There, I said it. Also, bite me.

Friday, June 10, 2011

I'm going to start saying people's names the way Ted Knight said "Monroe" on Too Close for Comfort.

Maybe that's why I'm not getting enough media attention. I've been sending college girls pics of my junk on posterous. My mistake.

Why do I hear the voice of “Mr. Burns” saying “Excellent!” whenever I click “LIKE” on Facebook? That sh!t is weirding me out!

The NHL Finals is still going on? How many goals did Lebron score?

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Laughing through the tears...not mine, YOURS. I didn't smash MY toe into that chair!

Thank you. Nope, not hard to say at all...

Isn't it time to change the political system? Almost everyone going in wants to do good, then they become turds...time for a change, right?