I can bring home the bacon.... Fry it up in a pan.... Then get no ass cause I forgot you're vegan.... #thisiswhyiamacomicandnotasongwriter

I'm putting together some plans to create a condom brand named "Vaga-filler-uppers". Yeah, I'm gonna be a Billionaire soon.

"MY bad!" - Dudes who think it's 20 years ago

Freedom!!!!!!!! (I can't explain what I mean by this...but just be happy for me ANYWAY!)

Only I, "S. Anthony Thomas" can make eating Lean Pockets and drinking pink lemonade look THIS cool.... Yeah, I am the man.

"Hey girl, I can see the SMALL of your back....but I'm more interested in the BIG of your ass!"
- Teens probably

867-530 ni-ee-i-een

"Why do THEY get a whole WEEK, and we get shit? *points to own body* Uh, HELLO!"
- Blue Whales find out about SHARK WEEK

I'm going to start talking like EVERY person on the TV show Dragnet. Yup, purposely annoying....