Sunday, January 31, 2010

I'm Just Saying...

S. Anthony has just completed a "Speak about yourself in the third person" class. So he just wants to do you think he's doing?

I was just wondering, what percentage of the people that purchased the new "Stylish Snuggie" have actually had sex with another person?

Without football, Sundays SUCK. And not in the good "Aaaaah...that was great! Yes, I'll buy you a car!" kind of way.

Today is the kind of day the the phrase "F*ck it!" was invented for.

Hey person parked in MY spot AGAIN, in 5 minutes you'll have the answer to this question...what's it cost to replace all four of your tires?

Saturday, January 30, 2010

I'm Just Saying...

What is it that makes my family think I'm a taxi? Is it the bad B.O.? The bulletproof glass? The fare? The reckless diving? What is it?

20 degrees outside. Only the most dedicated flashers will be out today. If only someone would invent a "See thru junk warmer"

You may dress as you wish IN your home right? So, if I get the door nude but don't step outside...why did the delivery lady call the cops?

After a few hours with some young relatives at Chuck E. Cheese, I’m now convinced that some animals don’t eat their young just to avoid starvation.

I realize now, that It may be time for me to get a steady girlfriend. Why? I’m starting to have fantasies about that lady in the progressive commercials. I know you may be thinking “There is nothing wrong with a healthy heterosexual male having a fantasy about a lady on tv”. You’re right about that. The problem comes with what happens next in the fantasy. It involves the Geico lizard and her nipples….

Friday, January 29, 2010

I'm Just Saying...

Cold days in the northeast = me with a new nipple fetish. My whipped cream budget for this month is going to skyrocket!

On the way home saw a father screaming at his sons and I thought..."If only I had some kids to publicly humiliate..." dream.....

People have got to learn not to judge. I asked a sales lady for enough soundproofing for my trunk walls and I get attitude. Bad move lady...

I'm taking high blood pressure meds. I don't need them, but I've got a lie detector test to beat tomorrow.

Almost got hit by a guy on his phone while driving. I forgave him. Also no matter what you hear, I was not the one who called in his plate and said he shot at a cop.

It's hump day!!! Yeah, I know it's supposed to be Wednesday... but her leg is here NOW! Don't judge me people!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I'm Just Saying...

I feel creepy shopping in Victoria's Secret...more so when I ask the sales lady "Do you thing a rubber woman would look good in this?"

Question, if she does a really good job, do you tip a hooker? Don't be silly, I'm not asking for myself. I always tip hookers.

When using flavored condoms, choose wisely. Choose ice cream/candy (Sucking Foods). Not Chicken/Steak. (Chewing Foods). Just saying.

I am not a piece of meat! I have a mind! (Actually I wouldn't mind being treated like a piece of meat!) Corny? Yes. Accurate? Even more so!

Some hot 19yr olds asked me to go to a bar, I was flattered for a nanosecond...then I realized they just needed an old guy to get beer.

Slept with my hot neighbor. Kinda takes all of the fun of watching her shower via my hidden surveillance cameras.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I'm Just Saying...

I think people who are in long term romantic relationships should give "State of the Union" addresses every year.

Ever want to find the people that made your girlfriend or boyfriend crazy and just whip their asses? They don't know you but they've ruined your life!

Ladies, I speak for all men here. WE CAN FIND OUR OWN FRIENDS!! No more set ups, we have different tastes in dudes than you!!!

Santa leaves lame gifts and gets milk and cookies. I leave thousands of dollars of audio/video equipment in her shower & get a restraining order. Some women are never happy.

When will women realize that when they say "Kiss my ass!" guys have only 2 thoughts. "Yes please!" & "Can I lick ice cream off of it too?"

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I'm Just Saying...

"You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses would ya?"
"No, that's what this axe handle is for!"

"Old habits die hard!"....and with that being said, the Nun murderer was carted off by the police.

I don't believe in spanking children. Save all of that ass smacking for the mother. It's more fun and child services won't drag you away.

Hey lady, I'm the head of the town I'm watching ok? Now finish your shower and let me do my missed a spot on your ass.

I watched "Porky's" again as an adult to see if I'd still find it funny...folks...*getting choked up, tearing* still holds up...yeah...

Fast food place...stingy with the ketchup? Don't have a soda machine where you can't see it, not when I have empty gallon jugs in my trunk!

I'm going to ruin American Idol for you. This episode has some people that can't sing, who are made fun of.

Monday, January 25, 2010

I'm Just Saying...

What a sad break up. I hope Brad and Angelina can each find someone to have sex with them now. Poor bastards.

Rain. Gods request for a wet tee-shirt contest.

Could someone please come up with a dating/relationship GPS that will help me navigate around and through crazy assed ladies please!

FYI, when a woman says that she really wants her ass smacked hard....make sure she's talking to YOU. Sometimes surprises aren't welcome ones.

A friend lost a bet & had 2 shave his pits & use spray deodorant. So immature. I'll be right back he's asleep & we're all gonna fart on him.

Why do they call lawyers ambulance chasers, that's not fair. They're too smart for that....they wait for you at the hospital now. Duh!

Sex in the back seat is less exciting when the real car owner shows up with her kids and the police. Humans are animals too lady, we mate!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

I'm Just Saying...

I hate a stinking snitch. I was just telling that to my closeted, tax cheating, illegal immigrant buddy as he was left his mistresses house.

It's almost time for those GREAT Superbowl commercials. My favorite from last year was...was...was...well maybe they aren't that great.

The next guy that asks me a stupid football question during the game is going to get an instruction/demonstration of a different sport, MMA!!

I'm not afraid of clowns, I mean yeah that one has a knife, but he's looking at YOU and pointing, not me. Maybe YOU should be scared.

Saints vs Colts. The two best teams all year meet in the Super Bowl. There is just something right about that.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

I'm Just Saying...

When you hire incompetent, unethical employees, you get a inefficient badly run company. Example: The District of Columbia. Case Rested.

Why is buying a new car always like a slap fight? No one gets hurt, it's just uncomfortable and time consuming.

Promised myself that I WOULDN'T go to bed without working out. I wish I could go back in time 16 hours and tell myself to STFU!!!!

Brad and Angie breaking up....I would get 20 Oscars if I convinced anyone that I gave a damn.

Reggie Bush has the chance to win a Superbowl AND have sex with Kim Kardashian (and all that ass) on the same night.!! Score!!

Watched Rihanna on SNL. Is it just me or can you just look at her and tell that she tastes really good? Too far? Sorry.

Friday, January 22, 2010

I'm Just Saying...

Hookers make better witnesses than you think. Just letting you know. For no particular reason.

Please lady at the mall, stop spraying perfume on me, you're gonna get me in trouble...also stop putting lipstick on my underwear!!!

I put the penis in "My penis is in your sister"

Getting points on your license is a BAD thing, so DON'T try to "hit as many bike riders as you can" . Sorry, I'll come up with a new game.

Tell me if I'm crazy. I really want to (bleep) the hell out of Rachael Ray. I mean, a cute thick woman who loves to cook. DAMN!!!!!!

Where are they getting all of these super hot female meteorologists from? There's so many I don't know who to stalk first....I mean watch...

I'm going to do a reality show with smart, nice people that...what?....How can you cancel it already? I haven't even finished the pitch...

Nickel slot machines? Really? Nobody plays them for the jackpot. If you play nickel slot machines, it just means you don't want to go home.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I'm Just Saying...

Save money, don't get a vasectomy, date cougars!

I like my women like I like my coffee hot and in my mouth.

I like my women like I like my coffee hot and between my legs while i'm driving.

I want gays to be able to get married. Not just because it's the right thing to do but I'm tired of mistakenly asking out lipstick lesbians.

They shouldn't call it "Court Ordered Visitation" It sounds like you DON'T want to see the kid. What? You don't?...that's low man...

The only thing worse than backseat drivers is "Trunk Drivers" with their "Let me out take me home!" Shut up, you should have paid me back!

One of my friends' doctors told him he overproduces testosterone, so I told him to watch "The Bachelor". Problem solved.

I made a mistake at karaoke and sang a song on key...luckily the angry mob was as bad at throwing things as they are at singing.

Medical marijuana...check, coming soon....medical booty?....Please?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I'm Just Saying...

I'm tired of stereotypes! Let's move past them damn it! Whoops....sorry, I just tripped over my penis again.

Why is it that the only body parts that are are referenced with "BRASS" are the knuckles and balls?...
It's technically not settling if you lower your expectations beforehand. That is your lesson for today. Take that low self esteem!!!!

Officer, these ARE clothes. I didn't make them see-thru, your beef is with the designer not me. Arrest her instead!

I asked the "Man in the Mirror" to change his ways. He gave me the finger. If he wasn't so good looking I'd be pissed. Plus, I nail him.

Following in Heidi Montag's footsteps, I too just had 10 plastic surgeries and I am also a much less attractive, frozen faced white woman.

They really should come up with a better name than "condiments" for liquids that get squeezed on your food.

I wake in the night to prostate is fine, I just want to make sure I cover the whole toilet seat. You're welcome next girlfriend.

Alert! There is NO SUCH THING as KY PEANUT BUTTER! But there is something called a lady friend too lazy to go to the drug store!!!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I'm Just Saying...

Every time they do a commercial for Liquid Plumr's “Foaming Pipe Snake” I admit it...I giggle a little bit. Sorry.

My sex life is like "Deal or No Deal". It's not what you think. I just mean that I keep getting interrupted by a germaphobic bald guy.

I'm thinking about becoming born again and cleansing my sins....because I've got some stones that I'm dying to cast at people!

Why does my neighbor keep playing loud music when he sleeps with his wife? All the other guys that sleep with her keep the music down. A-hole!

Is there a way to have a separate government for people who don't vote against their own best interest? If so sign me up please.

If I had an evil twin...he'd be out of work.

A friend saw me with a lady friend and said "Damn man, you're whipped!" It really pissed me off too, I didn't know the dvd's were out yet.

My sister's friend complains that she's tired of people just touching her pregnant belly. That's why I grab her boobs. She appreciates it.

Monday, January 18, 2010

I'm Just Saying...

Look at me I'm at the Golden Globes, look at my tits! Me: If they're not IN MY HOUSE covered in chocolate pudding and my saliva STFU!!!

"Customer Service Department" does not mean what you think...ok, it doesn't mean what I no more "Target" for a year....

The world has just jumped the shark.

Some peoples comments drip with sarcasm, mine swim
in it.

It's amazing how time flies. I'm too old now to be seen
cavorting with 18year olds. Thank goodness for tinted
windows & covered garages. DON'T try on underwear in the dressing room? Ok
upscale store, I guess I'm gonna have to try on your pants
commando style.

You have to really trust someone to let them tie you up.
Silly hooker. I guess this is a freebie.

Happy MLK Day!!!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I'm Just Saying...

A date asked if I was into navel piercing, I said "No, I rather put it in your vagina" Yeah, it's corny but she laughed and I GOT LAID SO SHUT UP!

Looking for a fake temporary illness to use as an excuse to avoid my relatives so I CAN WATCH FOOTBALL IN PEACE!! (Death was used already)

All that glitters isn't's also Jasmin, Topaz, Strawberry....hell all of the strippers here wear glitter. Huh? meant...oh.

Spoiler Alert!!! The movie " Avatar " has made a lot of money.

When I met my last girlfriend, I thought it was turned out to be serendipmyhead.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

I'm Just Saying...

A friend of mine wanted to completely shave his "beard"...but she said "no" because she liked her hair the way she had it.

Can you really call a guy a "Get away driver" if you get caught?

My ex used to complain that I always left the toilet seat I began peeing directly on her butt...good thing she was into it.

Watching some old cowboy movies as I wait for Football. Brokeback mountain isn't the FIRST gay one people. Singing Cowboys...c'mon.

I want stalking to be an Olympic sport. It's the only way I'll ever get a gold metal...uh...did I just admit something? Disregard please.

The next person that sings "Pants on the ground" to me is going to inspire me to create a new song, "Elbow to the throat".

Don't you wish that you heard the popcorn popping sound as you got a boner? Just me? You are no fun!

Her: "Let's see if I remember, Lefty loosey, righty tighty...right?" Me: "That's right!... Now that U know my balls, it's nipple time!"

Ever been cheated on, seen who they cheated with, and find yourself more insulted by their choice than the cheating?

I'm thinking that along with "People of Walmart" there should be a site called "2am hookups"...nevermind, it's probably all the same people.

Friday, January 15, 2010

I'm Just Saying...

Martin Luther King's Birthday Today......Thank you sir!!!

The Tonight Show with S. Anthony Thomas...cause it's always nice to have a little hot cocoa at night...Nice huh?...never going to happen Ha!

Hey lady, you said help you get your cat out of the tree. You didn't say how. Stop screaming, pull the arrow out and take him to the vet!!

My neighborhood is so tough...oh crap...get down....I'll tell you the punchline later....someone outside is shooting.

A friend of mine wants to eat a bullet, but doesn't want to put excess weight on his corpse....anyone know if they have low-cal?

People need beer 2 sleep with people the don't find hot? All vagina's are hot, except the surgically created one on that tranny...wait, huh?

Saw my first FEMALE flasher today!! Now, she's going to say I was in her apartment illegally and she was getting out of the shower, but.....

Listen lady, I should be mad at YOU for NOT wiping your sweat off of the gym bike seat, you should NOT be mad at ME for licking it up!!!

I have a huge headache, I hope these pills work....yup....they're working....they put her right to sleep. Headache over.

Me: "Of course babe, I like my nipples sucked too"
Her: "Sir, you're scaring me could you just tell me if you want fries with your burger?"

Why does the word "Fetish" have such a negative connotation? I said. At that point the officer read me my rights and removed the animals.

This hot girl caressed my ass at the I wish she was dyslexic.