"Greater is he that is in you than he that is in the world!"
- S. Anthony putting his penis into his date's vagina

I'm going to expect my FUTURE wife to convert to MY religion. I practice GiveSAnthonyEndlessbootyism. Hey, I take my religion SERIOUSLY!

Holding up a kindle fire instead of a magazine while taking care of yourself is LESS embarrassing...I've been told by OTHERS. Who AREN'T me.


Just for Men hair color, for when your life of success, good work and friendship isn’t enough to impress the assholes around you.

Blah yada, blah yada, blah yada. (Yeah, I mixed them. I'm starting a new thing)

Uh oh, Obamacare is upheld. Now we need border patrol up north too. You Canadians will not get our American jobs! Hell, we can't either!

I was born with a "Magic Mike". Yeah, make a movie about THIS.

There is "Hot" and there is "Hot compared to the people in the office" Learn this and avert embarrassment. You're welcome.

Hey potassi-YUCK! Nice shoes loser! *gives potassium a wedgie*
- Potassium's FIRST day at Vitamin/Mineral High School

If I become a huge star I plan on getting it on with "B" level stars. All the hotness, half the attitude. Aw yeah, "B" list buttocks. Yum.

FYI, when you get angry at someone and tell them to slurp your "NEE-HUTS", they know that you really mean "NUTS" and will try to hit you.

Multiple orgasms Yup. I did it! I have now had TWO in my life. Jealous?

It's quiz time! Name this nation. It's in North America, it's young and it has a bunch of whores on the Supreme Court... Any guesses?

My whole damned family is on Facebook now. I'm so glad that I gave THEM a fake name at birth.

It's fun when the stuff that you think is kinky does not phase the woman you're sleeping with at all....get a blood test though.

I'm auditioning for Magic Mike 2: Dudes who are happy with the size of the penises so they don't have to workout so much and dance for money

Politics. Religion. Two things that turn adults into screaming ranting idiots. It's time to change how we think about both. Keyword, THINK.

If you take longer than 30 seconds to order at a drive thru, you should be banned for the amount of time I'd serve for assaulting you.

From looking at linebackers to having a line of guys looking down at your back: The Jerry Sandusky story. Coming soon...

Courts should NOT be political, they should be fair and compassionate. Also, I'm riding a unicorn right now. Yes I am!!!!!

Hey, Jerry Sandusky's future cellmate...you know what to do...

I could never work as a spokesperson for a politician who's a lying piece of crap or a company that lies. *see next post for continuation

....that being said, if I get a national commercial or a sitcom, fuck what I just said. I'm getting my money!!!! DON'T JUDGE ME DAMMIT!!!!

A friend tells me that porn looks great on A Kindle Fire in a McDonald's drive thru. He's weird...And NOT me.

My doctor says that all is well with me, who knew burning sensations, puss and vomiting were normal?

A new poll says Democrats are LESS engaged this election than Repubs... an even NEWER poll says that they are idiots.

Did YOU know that Medea was Tyler Perry? How long were you people going to keep this from me!?!

Do you know why short stories are so popular? Because sometimes people need to shut the hell up.

Dear smokers, I have a disease that makes me piss out fires. Sure, I like the applause and the shouts of "Wow, what amazing junk!" But..

If you think extremists are crazy NOW, wait until the first atheist, transgender President. Please let it happen soon.....puhleeeeeeze!

Hey 25 year old, the 16 year olds at the bus stop are not a jail bait buffet. Keep it moving or I'll put my size 13 shoes in your ass.

"If it wasn't for the steroids, I'd be in the hall of fame!"
- Guy who only took steroids so he'd have an excuse for NOT being in it

Okay Adidas, I'll forget the slave shackle sneakers...but trying to sell basketball benches shaped as slave ships crosses the line!!!!

Sponge bath, really? Do you know how much bacteria gets into those things? NO, YOU'RE ruining the mood!

Father's day is over. Now celebrate "Older 3rd cousin day" Get a gift for the drunk who asked "As a 3RD cousin, could I bang your sister?"

I write erotic poetry...literally just THOSE TWO WORDS over and over again until the book is full but people are usually too horny to notice


I actually have "My own drum"....but I prefer to dance to the beat of my flute. Why? Because who else is cool enough to pull THAT off?

I'm the poster boy for people that think calling people "The poster boy" is antiquated and stupid.

No one'll see this so...a friend sent a video of a guy blowing himself and I can now say beyond a doubt that I would never blow myself...

No one is going to see this so... A pretty woman's boobs and butt cheeks taste like chocolate pudding. Oh, I forgot, I put the pudding there

I just saw a lady with breasts too big for me to enjoy slurping on them. Hahahahhahahahha! Sorry, I tried to say that with a straight face.

I would love to be President just long enough to curse out assholes who interrupt me.

Dear women, EVERY exercise you do reminds us of sex. Also EVERYTHING else you do. Seriously. Yeah girl, wipe that dog crap off of your shoe.

How...the hell...does R. Kelly STILL owe the IRS $5 million? Did you learn nothing from Wesley Snipes, Redd Foxx, Ronald Isley....


I was thinking about taking Karate, but there is no place on the gi to hide my guns.

I brought a knife to a gunfight and while the other guy was laughing at me I stabbed him. See? That saying is WRONG!!!!!!!

Why cheat with her friend when you can occasionally fantasize about the friend while actually banging your woman. Best...of...both...worlds!

My cousin took back the cat. I miss her, BUT I learned the secret of self licking. Take that five point palm exploding heart technique!

I hate talk radio. Well, I hate what it's BECOME.

My dentist dissed Romney for being a phony the whole time that he was checking my teeth. I like my dentist...

"Hey gold diggers, it's only that if I DON'T know what you're doing! But I know, don't care and would like to resume our banging." -Old guys

Beautiful women are like water ices. I like to regularly put my penis deep in them. Wait, what?

Sweet peppers on my breakfast sandwich seems to be causing an uproar here. I guess they're used to the nudity.

As the guy on ABC walks across a tightrope over the Grand Canyon, a neighbor sleeps with a woman he met at the free clinic. What to watch...

In ten years I'm going to do a reality show about the ONLY person who hasn't had one...ME.

Wait, the tightrope guy has a tether wire!?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE WATCHING THIS FOR!?! ;-)

The first woman I meet that can juggle with her nipples...is getting a FOURTH date. Yup.

Someone tell Madonna to stop showing me her titties....NO Rihanna, YOU can continue!

Women with beautiful asses that wear shorts, EVERYONE is looking and EVERYONE wants some. There, mystery solved.

If these commercials are any indication, Three's Company reruns cause cancer, make you need to buy a Hoveround®...and glue things together.

I have NEVER danced while eating a hamburger, and NOW I know why I haven't been in ANY commercials.

I don't have a hairy chest, but if a lady I like wants that....two words "Super" "Glue"...

Laugh, and the world laughs with you...until you put down the gun. That's when they call the police.

"Lip Service" means TALKING. I just saved you some bail money. You're welcome.

Rickets and crickets sound the same but they're not. People with rickets don't rub their legs to make mating calls until you buy them dinner

Fellatio is great, but testicle slurpers are REAL marriage material!

I'm glad Gwyneth Paltrow sent that niggas tweet. It took the heat off of me sending my pretty white girls tweet. *whew*

Hot young women...strip clubs? Really? How does it feel to spend money and NOT get some ass? Not fun is it? FYI, that's never happened to me

I never got it on with myself while thinking of Thelma from Good Times....uh....I'll be right back...

I'm getting old, security guards don't follow me around the store anymore. The plus? Nailing cashiers in their break room is now a breeze!


Hot girl at the drugstore has no idea that the guy she was flirting with ridiculed her after she left.

The bird that keeps attacking me has no idea that I slipped a few bucks to the neighborhood cats. I didn't want this...I was pushed to it!

Now that you're following my new account, let me tell you about Amway....

*large guys block exit

* Sit...back...down!

 *opens catalogue*


I DON'T want to switch to YOUR religion, I've already formed the bad habit of thinking for myself... sorry.

Pushing the envelope...then the stamp...then four bucks....NO, YOU MAKE GOING TO THE POST OFFICE TOO DRAMATIC!!!

Slowly put on latex gloves while staring at strangers. FUN!

Penises have a finite number of thrusts in them. Don't waste any between a woman's boobs. You're welcome. Pay on your way out.

Rent - A- Center....Bunny Ranch....Merger. Who needs an MBA when you can come up with ideas like THIS!?!

I DON'T say "S" my "D" when I get mad, I say "Slurp my nuts!". Then we both laugh and the fight never happens. Also sometimes they do it.

Do you know what's a good idea? NOT getting so dirty that you leave a ring around the tub. Let's ALL try that, shall we?

Well, I'm off to sleep where I'll dream about switching bodies with famous TV dads just long enough to get it on with famous TV wives. BOOM!

Just watched an infomercial for "The Magic Bullet", that thing has come a long way since the Kennedy Assassination. I'm glad it's turned it's life around...not like that deadbeat bullet that killed Lincoln. Do something productive bullets. Stop killing people. Go hit targets at practice ranges like the other good bullets.

Boobs with implants are low in sodium.

Dear EVERY guy in EVERY infomercial....CALM...THE FUCK...DOWN.

I’m eating healthy now, and I feel better, but if you walked past me with a western omelette with cheese and home fries, your ass = whipped!

When someone shakes up your soda before giving it to you, funny. What’s funnier? Knowing they did it and opening the soda towards them.

I like women with huge asses. Their ability to make their booties clap saves me from having to go through 15 minutes of pre-lovin' spanking.

Once you go black... (Nothing, I mean you're unconscious. What did you think? Huh? Oh you thought I meant...Oh...)

Judging by her swollen cheeks, I should have purchased gluten free condoms...

If you've seen your woman get drunk and chew through handcuffs....don't pester her for oral. I lost a good friend that way...

Green tea is regular tea that never brushes it's teeth.

My lesbian friends call what they do scissoring but they have not cut any of this paper in half at all.

I though my nipple slurping skill was waning, but this is a mole, on her back, and it's not her and I'm not home and oh crap...a gun...

"No, thank you."
"No! Thank...YOU!?!"
"No thank you"
- A professional voiceover person answering a simple question

I just found out that the pee smell was there FIRST and it's the subway that is ruining the urine smell for people. THE MORE YOU KNOW...

My cheating ex called and said she "Misses my sweet di*k" (No, that wasn't censored, she has a speech impediment)

You can't run faster than I ejaculate. Ready? Set? GOTCHA!

If I had a dollar for every time something that happens often happens, I'd have an amount commensurate with the number of occurrences.

"Aw, isn't THAT cute?"
- No one means THIS

No, that's NOT a banana in my pocket, that's my erect penis. Can we stop repeating old sayings and fuck now please!?!

I hope that my jokes are still relevant when people start paying attention to this account. So, who wants a Seagrams Golden Wine cooler?

Rugged individualism, meet societal contract. I think you'll get along. You had a crush on each other?  They said you'd hate each other...

My local Target store sells elections in the garden section next to the fertilizer.

Happy 54th Birthday to my favorite entertainer.

PRINCE

Breaking fake news! Baby puts dumb guy in washer, screams PAYBACK IS A BITCH!! Film AT 11!

Soylent Green is PEOPLE! RUN! What? It's "Pee-pal" an abundant newly discovered soy based supplement? Well, you should write more legibly.

Masturbate watching porn...acceptable to people Same activity holding a magazine....Ridiculed Same activity while typing this....uh....

I'm working on a prequel to Two and a half men called "Alan Harper, don't tap that ass!" He doesn't listen...


"If annoyed to the point of violence, kick the crap out of the bastard!"
- The Buddho (Not a typo, it's his less enlightened cousin)

I just pimp slapped some pimps with even bigger pimp's pimps. Yeah, I'm the man.

I taught Spider-man how to stick to walls, he wasn't a good enough student for my Flying class. Maybe next time. Yup, I'm better than YOU.

I play 27 Card Monte. Yup, I'm better than YOU.

Women that get in bed with you, convince you to put on their panties, then point and laugh while saying "Got ya!" are mean. I'm told.

A message to women that let me IN THEM REGULARLY, I need almost nothing else. Okay, a little butt stuff, but other than THAT, I'm good.

I want to start people using the word 'twas again. WHO'S WITH ME!?!

I wonder what percentage of those Moms against JCPenney® have husbands that know what balls taste like?

Isn't it time for them to come up with a rabies PILL?

Women need to learn that the ropes don't need to be so tight, I'm not going to try and stop you from su...I've said too much.

Summer is coming! It's almost time to go to a theme park and turn our kids into tiny stunt people who eat too much!!!

Am I weird? I seem to be able to get a date without doing a tug of war or eating blended wolf testicles. Is reality TV right OR am I wrong?


Dear my cousin's cat, you may be able to lick YOUR OWN genitals and I need someone else to do that, but I get a meal and massage too, so F U.

Guys, calling a woman "Bacon Boobs" is a nice way of breaking the ice...but ONLY if she knows how much you LOVE bacon. AND boobs.

I'm taking CIALIS® before my next bath. I want to give my rubber duck and boats a beacon so they don't get lost in all of those bubbles

Whenever Maury is taping his show, I get it on with his wife....according to the lie detector...

Mashed potatoes = MURDER!...If you're a potato...then again potatoes can't talk, or feel...where am I going with THIS? I need MORE sleep...

"So, let me get THIS straight..."
- A penis mechanic

Sometimes I see people that make me think  even DNA takes a lunch break sometimes.

Although the level of emotional toxicity around me isn't "Fatal", it has reached the level of "Chronic illness" I will of course manage it.

I'm hoping I can get President Obama to write an excuse note to get me out of the conversation that I'm currently stuck in...

Officer, I have a Bluetooth so I am not distracted by my phone. Would you like a burger from my passenger seat grill?

I saw an actual phone booth today. You'd think people would understand that changing clothes in there was "nostalgia", NOT a "misdemeanor"

Why do women resist getting their butts slurped until you slurp their butts....and then won't let you STOP slurping their butts?

My sister must really drive fast. I'm watching the POV shots from the driver during the FEDEX 400 car race and thinking MOVE I'm late!!!

When someone says they're going to "Rake me over the coals" it freaks them out when I say COOL! You're going to make me juicy and delicious!

I had a girlfriend named celebrex in school, ironically I gave her arthritis in her left hand. She was nice.

Jiggling butt cheeks make me dizzy. NOT yours sir! That hot girl next to you! Narcissist!

I'm drinking juice made from an orange's liquefied guts...yeah, it just got REAL

I'm NOT looking bat your breasts! I have a name tag fetish!

I like to take pictures of people in the parking lot with my phone while holding duct tape and muttering "THIS is gonna be soooo easy!"

Breaking fake news! Congress votes to ban universal remotes from having the same access to batteries as regular remotes.

Why burn down a bridge behind you? Just burn the people individually that try to cross after you. It's cheaper and still sends the message.

"Not just anyone can pull off THIS outfit!"
- A guy about to be stripped naked by a group of people not good at understanding context

I just bit a bedbug while it was sleeping. See, it's not so cute when it happens to you ya little bastard! Go ahead, tell the hotel manger!

Watching one of my best friends (a white guy) ignore his wife's big ass is like watching him use a winning lottery ticket as a coaster.

fjdbgsdghlkjdnblbnlskfng. Alright! Who left the Rosetta stone next to the jackhammer!?!

Projectile vomiting is for punks. I have now invented "Trick shot vomiting". You're NO LONGER SAFE around corners designated drivers!

Ironically I fantasize about having sex with Flo from Progressive in a moving car.

At the dollar store, I give them real dollars, but the 8% sales tax.. is fake. Yeah, suck on that counterfeit nickel and three fake pennies!


When I do "Eye contact", I actually put my eye on you.


"Hi sir, I want to regularly thrust my thing deep into your daughter!"
- What EVERYTHING you say sounds like to dads

************

Have you ever lost respect for a celebrity because of who they married? You know what I mean, some kinky, depraved sex freak that you know is doing weird things to her daily.

I want to be that reason, do you hear me Serena Williams?

Remember all of those jokes I've told about not giving a shit anymore? Well...I really mean it now.

Did you know that they keep oranges in little cages so they can't move just so their muscles stay soft, and then kill them so the meat is....huh? That's veal? Oh, so I guess I should call off the protest outside of the Tropicana plant huh?

Kissin' cousins, meet "Watchin', recordin' and sellin' the film to people who will then be masturbatin' neighbor" who'll be profitin'

How is THAT guy called a BOUNCER when everyone he's thrown down the steps here has just gone splat? FALSE ADVERTISING!

People not giving a crap has never stopped me before...and thus I continue my quest to become...the NEW Lord of the DANCE!!!!!

One of my testicles is higher than the other. I guess it bought better weed.

If a smoking hot woman asks to buy you a drink in a nightclub...she wants your kidney and your credit card numbers, okay? You're welcome.

I know that you put your finger in my drink waitress. Wait until you find out what I did to your tip money...

"I love to push through boundaries!" - Guy who likes getting his ass whipped by riot police