Thursday, December 31, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

It snowed right BEFORE xmas and right AFTER xmas, it's like God is playing "keep away" with us. "Want this snow? Here. Sike! Here. Sike!"

I'm tri-polar. Sometimes I'm high, sometimes I'm low, sometimes I'm in the middle. Huh?....what?....oh. Nevermind, that's everybody.

What a great day. I've practiced and perfected my new, soon to be needed, after the New Years Eve "Perp Walk" See ya on the morning news!!

It must be depressing as hell to be bi-sexual and still not have a significant other. Twice the choices & still nobody. Maybe it's you.

I am as always, "Designated driver" I don't really mind, my friends carry lots of cash...and never remember what happened the night before.

New Years crowds...Now when I press my crotch against random womens' asses I can say it's an accident. do I explain the nudity?

Need anal regularly? Date an ex drug mule. Anybody that can "handle" 10 bags of hash can handle nightly visits from Mr Winky. Just Saying.

AT&T dropping Tiger Woods is no big deal, he doesn't like long term contracts anyway. He's better of with "Cricket"''s pay as you go!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

My new exterminator isn't working out. He doesn't kill the bugs, he just writes them really tiny threatening letters.

I'm going to Times Square on New Years Eve, wearing tight jeans and hoping to run into some dyslexic pick pockets.

What's going on? is a great song. I'd like to hear Stevie Wonder sing it. It's more appropriate from a blind guy.#Alreadyashamedofthatjoke

If you want to know what it feels like to get beaten up by strangers, take a "STOP" sign too literally.

If during a prostate exam, the Doc says "You know, the tongue is more sensitive than the finger" Leave immediately, like I will, next time.

The number on a sleep number bed is the stiffness, not the number of people who've been in it. I owe you an apology ex-girlfriend. Oops.

We seem to generate lower scores in naked ring toss during the winter.

If the terrorists want to blow things up they should start with any movie theater that shows a chick flick.

Where do NEW crackheads come from? You'd think by now that the word on crack would have gotten out.

Word to the wise, unlike an occasional $20 from her purse, Anal is not something you can sneak while she's asleep.

Masturbation is you lying to your genitals. That's why mine don't speak to me anymore, although I occasionally get a sternly worded letter.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

Got stuck driving relatives around for 5 hours, do you know what would taste good right now? A friggin' bullet!

First Oprah quits, now there a conspiracy to rid television of brown DD cup breasts?

Just waiting for the 31st so I can do things that will immediately require a new years resolution...

Every time I see Jamie Lee Curtis now I think about "Number 2" Times have changed. When I was a teen she inspired a more fluid body release.

I'm going to open a side effect manufacturing plant. My specialties... "Lack of sleep, decrease in semen, anal leakage & tender breasts"

I'm taking some shots of these guys pitching pennies because in my dictionary there is no picture next to the word loser.

They have "toothbrush on the go", so I'm coming out with "Shower in a bottle" Okay, it's just dishwashing liquid but people are stupid.

Monday, December 28, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

Walked in on my nephew masturbating. Embarrassing. He's yelling "Uncle S., pull your pants up!" Hey, I didn't know he'd get back so fast.

Him: "What's with you blacks and this made up holiday KWANZAA?" Me: "All holidays are made up jackass!" #talkingtoareallifearchiebunker

When someone says you're "Cute as a bug"...don't get full of yourself, they are GRADING ON A CURVE!

My ex girlfriend agreed to let me bounce a couple of ideas off of her...forgetting that "ideas" is one of many nicknames for my balls.

If most of your meals are eaten with plastic utensils, there's a good chance making career decisions isn't your strong suit.

Safe words and ball gags are not a good mix, uh, I can't talk now the ER doctor is back...

Sunday, December 27, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

On behalf of every black man in america I want to thank that jackass terrorist for the prostate exams I'm going to get every time I fly.

Ever hear a conversation that makes you rethink being in a relationship? Maybe I should call the cops. Nah, her hitman looks incompetent.

Our country is like a vice buffet. Prostitution is legal in Nevada, Weed is "legal" in California, BRIBERY & PERJURY are legal in D.C.....

How can you be an adult, tell your kid that there is no Santa and still watch Fox (News?). What, THEY can't have fairy tales and YOU can?

That show "Junk Raiders" on the ION network is about people using old furniture and save your lotion fellas, false alarm.

Her: "Does my butt look fat?" Him: "I'm way over here, behind your left butt cheek, that's why you couldn't see me."#aboyfriendslastwords

Saturday, December 26, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

The day after xmas or as I like to say...364 days to "Re-gifting"

It's what the hell were they thinking? Do they even know me? Return that crap gift day! Enjoy....

(Over) eating on thanksgiving, spending on xmas, and drinking on new years eve...and we wind up over weight, over drawn and over a toilet.

That brick from my back yard is missing and my neighbors dog is quiet now. I was with you...understand?!

Maul and Mall sound the same for a reason. Anyone who's shopped in the last three days can attest to that.

Warning!! There is NO SUCH THING as a LICK SEARCH at the airport!!! Don't fall for it like friend who is NOT ME did.

A lady friend wanted me to see "Puppetry of the Penis" with her. If I want to see a penis I can just look down! Or in her refrigerator.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Happy Holiday!

To those of you that celebrate it, Merry Christmas! To those of you that don't, Happy Holidays!!!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

A good woman is like jello.....there is and always will be room for her.....

If mistletoe gets you a kiss, can we please come up with a plant that will get you "all the way"? ...never mind we have one already. Weed.

When you pull up to your married friends house to pick them up and they're fighting with their spouse, don't U feel like a getaway driver?

I was at Lionel Kiddie City today and judging by the looks on peoples faces, I could have made a fortune with a birth control kiosk.

"Bootleg" came from hiding things in cowboy boots. With drug mules, the phrases would be different. "Yo, you have any ass cavity Dvd's?"

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

Ah, this Starbucks Transfat and Carcinogen smoothie is awesome....anyone else dizzy?....

Man, when Tiger Woods wants to get out of endorsement deals...he goes the extra mile!

Xmas eve-eve, or as pick pockets call it "Black Wednesday."

A cigar when you have a child? Why? "Well, now that I've helped create a new life, lets celebrate by hastening our already inevitable death".

I understand the Tea Baggers now. If you held someones head in hot water (Like a teabag) the lack of oxygen would produce the same idiocy.

Beans, beans, good 4 ur heart, the more U eat the more U...hmmm. To finish this I'm gonna need a word 4 flatulence that rhymes with heart...

Rushed my next door neighbor to the E.R. It was a preemptive move because of the ass whipping I was planning on giving him.

Ran into the high school bully. He's a different guy now. I guess being sold for cigarettes in prison does a lot for ones attitude.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

Profanity is like a toy to teenagers. It cracks me up to hear them using tons of it when it's not necessary. Fucking cocksuckers...sorry

Was hitting the heavy bag, it was fun until I got outside and 5 heavy bags were waiting for me. I'm glad the urinals aren't after me too...

I believe in the PUBLIC OPTION. Sometimes hotel rooms are too expensive and she doesn't have any cash either...What? meant...oh.

Spent some quality time with the family. The quality...LOW RESOLUTION.

So auto eroticism doesn't mean getting action in a car? Well what does it mean? WHAT? THAT'S IT? What a letdown.

Monday, December 21, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

Damn! I lost another staring contest. This ladies ass just won't blink. I'm about to challenge her boobs. Bring it on boobs!!

Someone please get the Republicans a G.P.S. system. They keep missing the mark and showing up on the WRONG side of history.

The DMV is suing the Republican senators for copyright infringement for stealing their patented idea of incompetence, stalling and stupidity.

Let's see, which "non gift giving" religion will I pretend to convert to this year just before xmas? Hmmm....

Perception.----> Solitary prison it's a punishment. If your family is visiting it's fucking nirvana. Just saying...

My friend missed the irony of his apartment being robbed of everything except his bootleg movies and cd's.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

Why do I hear the theme from "The Godfather" in my head every time I see the Senate vote on something? want to impress me? Forget nicotine, make a skank patch.

There is no winning a popularity contest. Profound huh? Also...I like boobies & booties covered in whipped cream. Yum Yum... Hey, I tried.

Watching chick flicks causes cirrhosis. Hey, don't kill the messenger.

A friend left his iphone at my house, it had tons of porn on it. His phone now has a "maybe you shouldn't touch screen"...Sorry.

What do you do if you're in a crowded theater looking for a friend...and his name is FIRE?

Saturday, December 19, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

Sex in the shower is awesome. I am so glad that I planted those cameras in my neighbors house.

Just so you know, before I post anything...I write it in the snow...if you know what I mean. Well, gotta drink up. Feeling talkative....

You have to really trust your lady to let her tie you up. Especially if you see a cooler with "Kidney" written on it in the bathroom.

Jello wrestling and Jello shots. How can one little product bring so much joy?

It's fun to watch the kids have snowball fights, especially when one group realizes the quick way to win is to put rocks inside...memories.

The kids on my block are out making Snow Angels. When they're done, I'm gonna walk through them and make them look like Crime Scene Angels.

Let's flip. Heads U win, Tails U lose. Congrats. Now we flip again. Heads, U GIVE me my money back, Tails I pull out my GUN....Thanks.

I would like to apologize to my date last night. Apparently, you CAN'T eat EVERYTHING with chopsticks.

Listen dieters, if portion control isn't important, why does weed come in those little baggies? Yeah, feel stupid now don't ya?

Friday, December 18, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

I invited a cute lady over for a poker party. When she showed up and saw no cards....well... um...she wasn't too fond of my play on words.

Saw on a commercial that the average teacher spends $500 per year on school supplies. Not said $400 of it is on weapons.

Your dreams are supposed to mean something, but what does it mean that I like to have the back of my head caressed when I eat clam chowder?

Be careful when shopping pants less at 7-11, the coffee is hot and the women startle easily. Just saying.

I feel guilty about it but every time I see Magic Johnson...I can't help but think about "it". You know..... Damn his talk show sucked!!!!

U see the beautiful wife and kid, kiss the kid, make love 2 the wife 4 hours, then leave B 4 her hubby returns with $500...ah, good times.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

I want to take Lunesta just to see that green butterfly.

Joe Lieberman must not have gotten any action when he was younger. That's the only way I can explain his desire to screw millions of people.

I'm adopted...I'm adopted...I'm adopted. If that heel clicking crap worked for Dorothy, maybe this will work for me. I'm adopted...I'm...

If I saw that green butterfly in the Lunesta commercial I'm not going to sleep. I'd be thinking "Is that thing poisonous? I'm outta here"

A homeless guy asked for a dollar. I said "No, but I'll buy that bottle of urine" Merry x-mas guy in my parking spot AGAIN like your gift?

I haven't played organized sports in a while, but they're supposed to pat my butt AFTER the touchdown Right?... And be on MY team right?

Even with the lead built up after my teenage years I have finally had sex more times than I have masturbated. It was a tough battle.

No officer, you've got it all wrong. I paid her to just open her mouth, that's not illegal...she threw the sucking in for free!!!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

No wonder these Salmon are dead. How were they supposed to swim when they're in this can?

Saw a lady get her Credit card cut in half. Why humiliate her ? It made me fell less guilty about the shoplifting I...I mean some guy did.

Why are all of these people against single payer? We have it now. I pay directly to the hooker and.....what?.....Healthcare?...Oh. officer, while driving...I can't use my cellphone, can't be pants less, can't be with this hooker? Friggin' Commie!!!

Forget rock, paper, scissors. I play rock, paper, knee to the balls. Granted, no one else knew about the rule change...but I am undefeated.

Anyone else come from a family so screwed up that you pray for selective amnesia?

One of my relatives was put into a "Rubber Room". I thought he had mental just meant the staff wore nothing but condoms to work.

Karen and Davis sittin' in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G. S. Anthony with a camcorder in the next tree R-E-C-O-R-D-I-N-G. Uh oh I've got to's the P-O-L-I-C-E!

...I'm a few yoga classes away from being able to lick least that's what the brochure says...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I'm Just Saying...

Home invaders are just impatient cat burglars.

Catch 22.... but don't let her father catch you. That'll get your old ass shot.

I saw this woman licking ice cream and it was a real turn on. Just to
clarify, I call my junk ice cream.

If a black cat crosses your path It's bad luck...unless you eat it.
That's the saying right?

They still sell soap on a rope? How dirty does that one spot on
the front of your neck have to be to make someone buy that for you?

Why are these guys burning a CROSS on my lawn? I'm a BUDDHIST.
Silly KKK.

I don't like that whole slap on the ass after a touchdown ritual.
For a touchdown you should get a happy ending...with a cheerleader!!!

Not to brag but I make women prematurely ejaculate....Yes they
can!!! Shut up!!

Don't try the new Chia condom....messy...