Monday, February 28, 2011

Do unto others, then blame someone else...unless they like it, then keep doing them and film it. Where am I going with this?

Lucille Roberts commercials are HOTTER than Shake weight commercials. Yup.

It's easy to talk crap about your producer 9 seasons in at 2 mil per episode. A real gangsta would have done it at the audition. YEAH!!!

What would Charlie Sheen do if he had a HALL PASS? Scary.....

This beat is 'Funky'...there's probably black people in THIS commercial...yup, there she is.

Give your lady the gift of artificial scarcity...give her a diamond. No? No good? Alright, let's say that they're a girl's best friend...

You just wait until it comes out that this was ALL just a big scheme by Charlie Sheen to keep Jehovah's Witnesses from waking him up early.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Me + watching the oscars = not going to happen.

You'd figure the people that make commercials would pool their money and start a marketing campaign to remove the "Adult Diaper" stigma.

Beautiful women, STOP looking pissed in your pictures. Thanks.

Hey, ladies in Proactiv commercials...guys don't care, we will sleep with you zits or no zits. Not having a vagina is the only deal breaker.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Yes, when I'm famous I WILL be getting it on with the FIRST 100 disease free groupies. That is all.

Hey firefighters, policemen etc....when these billionaires need YOUR help, show them how much you love their union busting...ya dig? *wink*

Union members that use, buy or distribute Koch brothers might want to rethink that, if possible...

Indecisive people have made many contributions...the dry erase board, etch-a-sketch, network TV schedules, 112th congress...

Special message to people live chatting phrases like "Government Cheese" & "Obama money now!" We see you, here's your ticket back to 1955.

ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX? CNN... Protests are invisible unless they're violent? Or is it that your bosses would get mad if REAL people are shown?

"Stalking", "Unwanted mobile admiration" Names are IMPORTANT.

A picture is worth a thousand words, NOT showing pictures is worth one…COWARDS. I’m talking to YOU “Mainstream Media”.

Friday, February 25, 2011

S. Anthony says... (That's why...)

If paradigm and goals don't MATCH...methodology is MEANINGLESS. That's why politics continue to be bullshit.

For those wondering...yes, I do sound like a young Morgan Freeman.

Sorry Charlie Sheen, THAT kind of crazy only works for HOT WOMEN. Shut up, clean up and go back to work!

I just bought Justin Bieber's hair. Now....his magic is MIIIIIINE!

The 112th congress cut the education budget and that's bad, but they did add "misogyny" to the vocabulary of millions, that's something.

I just bought 241 villain mustaches & bald cats on ebay cheap. Aw yeah... *sets up booth outside of congress*

Nice try local McDonald's, putting that small bush in front of the "Dollar Menu" in the drive thru, but my uncle's cheapness wins again.

I'm Charlie Sheen's Cyrano de Bergerac. I believe you've heard my work.

"Mom always liked YOU best!" - Mayonnaise to blended yogurt
*cottage cheese looks on venomously* "At least she acknowledges you two..."

Hey, couple that just STARTED having sex, you suck at innuendo. Stop giggling because I said "SUCK!"

For whoever his exes date next, Charlie Sheen has become the ultimate "At least I'm not as bad as THAT GUY!" person.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

My car is parked under the tree in front my house, I'm going to need a car cover because the birds keep leaving 112th congress all over it.

Now that I'm not 18, I'm not as interested in sex as I used...hahahahahahahaha! I tried. I need to be able to say it with a straight face.

I hate the way they drag out the rejection on American Idol. It makes me wonder if I dated this show in High School...

What's with all the Royal Wedding coverage HERE? Did the actions of the NEW Tea Party cancel out the original one? Are we a colony again!?!

We get it congressional misogynists, this is the only way YOU can have ANY effect on the inside of a vagina...but you're going too far!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Watching this new congress begs the question...STILL happy about your vote or lack thereof?

Oligarchy + Public Awareness = Anarchy

Whoa, Scott Walker, "taking candy from a baby" isn't to be taken LITERALLY! Man, I thought he'd stop at just ripping off the unions...

Eric Cantor + Tim Pawlenty + Dick Cheney's brain + Centrifuge = Scott Walker #wiuinion

I want people to get points on their license for using their horns to be an even BIGGER a-hole than they normally are.

"I have collected ALL of the hand lotion NOT used for self pleasuring in THIS container!" -the invention of the thimble

Planet Hollywood uses it's profits to subsidize ass implants for young EAT UP!! #fakewebrumors

Hi, TV's S. Anthony. We should be able to talk about anything on TV that EVERYBODY does, okay? Relax. Thanks.

Ah, the lost art of shutting the hell up....

Did YOU know that chocolate pudding tastes good even when it's NOT spread on a lady's boobs? Go figure...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

People who are about to try drugs like Meth and crack for the first time.....REALLY? STILL? You don't pick up on things quickly do you?

It's not my birthday until October, but it would be nice if everyone greeted me by saying "hello delicious" from now on. No, YOU'RE weird!

Google Siberia Qaddafi, because that's where you're goi...huh? Nevermind, Siberia just called. They don't want your crazy ass either.

"The people have spoken!" only applies when they agree with US. - Congress & Scott Walker #wiuinon

Karma, if ever there was a time for you to start being a bitch...IT'S NOW!
Libya is THAT way...Say hello to Qaddafi for EVERYONE please!

20 years from now all of these teens will be hard of hearing because of their MP3 players. SUCK IT telemarketers!!!

Ladies, why do I love your delicious bottoms (and every other part too, let's keep it real) so much? Oh yeah, the feel & taste. Nevermind.

Hey LifeLock®, if you REALLY want to make money, start a service that guards against bad relationship choices. I'd pay $15 monthly for that!

I'm thinking of GAINING 200 pounds so I can be on "The Biggest Loser". Well, it's easier than pitching a series idea to idiots.

So, prime time game STILL haven't figured out that people stop watching when you have celebrity contestants on huh? Ooookay....

There's LUBRICANT in contact lens solution? Damn! I thought I was into some weird stuff! Eye sex! Ew...huh? It just for...oh. Nevermind.

If anyone didn't know, Rahm Emmanuel curses sometimes.

Monday, February 21, 2011

S. Anthony says... (Idea thieves)

Idea, tweet, tumblr thieves fascinate me. It's like stealing from the public library. HELLO...PEOPLE ALLOW YOU TO RE-BLOG, RE-POST, RE-TWEET! They WANT you to. Do these imbeciles think that they're impressing someone? I write several hundred jokes per day, NONE of which I post online. I just post some quick jokes and thoughts here for fun, yet I was highly offended when someone that had just retweeted a previous thing of mine followed that up with stealing THE VERY NEXT THING THAT I WROTE!

What happens if you steal enough ideas to make you SEEM interesting? We (people with morals and the capacity to write our own material) won't be with you when you're on that hot date. You know, the hottie that found you so funny and charming because of "Your" wit, "Your" knowledge of current events, "Your" intelligence. Enjoy the look of disappointment when the she and the world realize what you really are...a thief and a fraud.

(FYI, I can write 3-500 jokes per by the time you read it, have someone tell you what it means so you can THEN laugh at it, retype it and then post it...I've written 3-5 more. Suck it!)

My ex is protesting outside of my house for more of my "you know what" But I won't budge. I had to make drastic cuts.

I'm jealous of my ex's new guy... the wonderful feeling of relief he's going to have when he "wakes up" and drops her. Yeah, good times.

My ex was asked "How low can you go?" MORE often than a peripatetic, undefeated limbo champion. Thank you, good night! #cornyonpurpose

Forget about the apple not falling far from the tree, Gadhafi is proof that the turd doesn't fall far from the anus.

I must REALLY focus in on the porn and ignore the adverts... I JUST found out what a FLESHLIGHT is. YES I DID JUST FIND OUT!

Breaking Fake News! Congressional go unmailed due to lack of saliva. It was used instead to express their feelings for the middle class.

Bad news, there is NO liquid pretty in Proactiv® .

Adult diapers, female toplessness...if we can ALL agree to rid ourselves of silly stigmas...TITTIES & all day couch sittin' for EVERYBODY!!!

At a former job we did political surveys. They are easy to manipulate.
(I didn't). F*ck surveys. Do research and make up YOUR OWN MIND.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Hey, guys who shorten "Baby" to "Ba.." when calling your lady, just finish the word! I hope she only lets you put the tip in tonight!

There are times when a person DOESN'T feel like talking, it is important in those instances for people to STFU and leave them alone.

Blow people up...NOTHING changes. Peaceful protests with solid message and persistence...the world is WITH you. Will this lesson sink in?

When does the gold digger impregnating competition start? #AllStarGame

"Dictator" *peter griffin laugh* "Dic"-tator. Well, I'm ready for my morning radio and cable news shows after that, right?

My female twitter followers are smart, beautiful and just to let you know, when my fame hits...I will sleep with my lady twitter followers FIRST, THEN reality show ladies. Quality FIRST I say!

I just looked at the FULL sized version of my AVI. I'm STILL cute, but not like when I was in my teens and early twenties...that's why I got it on with myself so often then...said someone else...who IS NOT ME.

It's President's day Monday. In honor of the holiday, the FIRST 43 people that come into MY house must be old white guys.

Hi next lady that I sleep with after my self imposed hiatus...You're welcome. Yes, I am making up for lost time.

Rugged individualism and societal compassion CAN co-exist, those that say that they can't are LYING, MISINFORMED or HAVE AN AGENDA.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Boehner to Obama "Keep your friend out of WI..." America to Boehner "Keep YOUR friends out of women's uteruses" #wiunion

If the WI protests are scary to them, imagine if there were MILLIONS of Native Americans left...ohhhh, THEY'D be in real trouble! #wiunion

When kicking people when they're down isn't enough, they stomp them when they're lying in a hole. #congress #wiunion

"Yeah! Cut ALL of THEIR stuff from the budget! Yeah! Wait? Now you're cutting MY stuff!?! Wait!" - The near future for xenophobic voters

If your tattoo is on your boobs or butt, YES I want to see it! Why did you even bother to ask that!?!

Guys that say to women with big chests "Got Milk?" thinking it's funny... it's okay to follow them into an alley and body slam them, right?

My "Lady Killer" buddy just did the math, he's been with MORE women, but I've had MUCH MORE sex because I'm a "relationship guy". Ha! WIN!

I'm sorry sir, there are no seats left on this train to the wrong side of history. Congress took ALL of the seats.

Saw the neighbor's cat chase a squirrel up a tree, then I had to get the cat for her cute little kid. I'm going to kick that squirrel's ass.

How long until there's a WI protest episode of "Glee"? Quickly followed by a surge in TV sales after millions shoot their TV screens...

Congress DOESN'T like YOU. What, YOU'RE rich and powerful? Well they like YOU...but the rest of you mofos...nope. Thought you should know.

60 mph wind blew trash all over. You know what that means, right? TRASH BAG FIGHT! *POW* Oh, sorry... I should have recycled those bottles.

Friday, February 18, 2011

"Just because someone is screwing you, DOESN'T mean they LIKE you!" - My grandma's bicep tattoo

DON'T put people in a job that requires them to live up to a HIGHER standard...and then NOT hold them to that standard. Aka STOP VOTING FOR LYING ASSHOLES! Ok?

The great thing about the omnipresence of the Internet, someone is ALWAYS recording when politician's craziness bubbles to the surface.

After my drive home today, I'm convinced that school children WANT to be run over.

Right now I feel an almost overwhelming love for ALL of human kind. I'm going to turn on cable news so I can put and end to that sh!t.

When I start sleeping with famous women...I'M NOT TELLING ANYBODY A DAMNED THING! Did you hear that famous women? I'll say NOTHING!

Clarence Thomas...treating lady liberty like he allegedly treaded Anita Hill. (Allegedly) I love that word. Allegedly. No I really do...

Much like NASCAR America keeps going around in circles...unfortunately it keeps making EXTREME right turns.

If you cheat on your spouse you get on DAYTIME TV (Maury), if she kills you, you move up to PRIME TIME (20/20 etc)...things are looking up!

Tragedies as entertainment, welcome to Friday night TV. (Good lord, I need to finish writing this show so I can go on the freakin' road)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The ONLY Union that congress likes is union carbide. You know I'm telling the truth.

It's impossible for ANYONE to say the word "potentate" without sounding like stepin fetchit.

DNA is AND backwards. I'm starting to think that scientists are just being smart asses. The original name for DNA was "sessabmud"

Being a “Rebel” is an organic thing. Once it becomes contrived you are merely the inverse of the “System” which is just as bad. But it was a nice try anyway three day beard, short sentence, fake brooding guy.

I just overheard some doctors laughing about how they don't really have to shave people before operations, they do it for fun. Bastards! ;-)

When an angry person shoots you the "Shut up NOW" look and you keep are officially now an a-hole. Congrats!

"When I grow up, I want to work in an unemployment office!" - Kids now

It's not funny to write "You've reached your hourly limit" on your stomach BEFORE I get mine too! - future twitter husbands

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

S. Anthony says... (It's easy)

All the major religions of the world have many messages in their texts and doctrines that intersect. How about this, in public we'll behave using THOSE intersecting rules and in private we'll use the other ones? See how easy that was? You're welcome. Pay the receptionist on the way out. NEXT! guys DON'T make your own fish oil? Losers!

Omega -3's!?! Punk! I take Omega -4's son! - Gangsta Whole Foods Employee

Have you ever felt like your time was like money in an unguarded change bucket left on a busy street corner?

Our political system has two wings, one doesn't flap hard enough and one flaps wonder we can't get off of the f*cking ground.

A "Critical thought" is the exact OPPOSITE of a popular Christmas toy. The supply is unlimited...and no one wants to fight for it.

Cheating ex friend requested me on Facebook at 7pm. It's 8:39 and I just stopped laughing. No more penis for you lady, sorry. Blocked.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

S. Anthony says... (Where is the humanity?)

This is a message to ALL of the writers, reporters, bloggers & talking heads who are somehow taking glee and finding humor in the brutal rape and beating of reporter Lara Logan. FUCK YOU! A woman was attacked by a mob thousands of miles away from her home, she had to at the time along with the suffering associated with this vicious attack be fearing for her life and the lives of her crew. Thankfully she’s alive. You would think that this would elicit well wishes and prayers, however…

The comments that I read and heard are so off the charts evil that if they were spoken by a person in a movie, I would think less of the screenwriter. No human being could be THAT evil, THAT heartless, THAT cruel. Where is the humanity? This is truly a “I wouldn’t wish THAT on my worst enemy” moment. You ALL disgust me. But you don’t care… you’ve proven that you just don’t care. I repeat, FUCK YOU.

Hey, why does the donut shop put all of the hot sandwiches in BROWN bags and the donuts in WHITE bags? Segregationists!!!

I've got several freezers full of snow. Aw yeah, the kids on the block will be completely out gunned in the June thru July snowball sneak attacks that I have planned. "We got you good Mr. S" indeed! *Maniacal Laughter*

It wasn't OK to ruin Taylor Swift's award moment and it's not OK to ruin Esperanza Spalding's award moment. Understand?

I don't know what factory made Esperanza Spalding and Corinne Bailey Rae, but I hope it goes into overdrive. (And please make one for ME!)

The United States public is essentially un-shockable now. However, if we were to wake up to politicians giving a sh!t...hahahahaha! I tried.

So, when do the affordable versions of gaga's egg suit come out at the local walmart?

Inspired by the successful protests in Egypt, canaries boycott coal mine because of unsafe work conditions. Film at 11!

Jeopardy computer beats past champions then rubs it in by getting laid, something the two human competitors STILL haven't done. Film at 11!

How long would it be until there was NO drunk driving if the punishment WASN'T "License revocation" but "Tossing a homeless guy's salad"?

I'm thinking of posting something inaccurate, inflammatory, stupid, crass and then erasing it and acting like it NEVER existed when you all get mad. Not because I'd believe in such things, but why should politicians have ALL the fun?

I'm starting to feel like a band with a small but loyal cult following. :-)

Do you think that the Koch brothers ran a credit card through Scalia and Thomas' butt cheeks like Nelly did in his "Tip Drill" video?

Monday, February 14, 2011

Please Justin Bieber, please start dating Taylor Swift. The nation needs this...

The "Grammys" are voted on by pros in the industry. The "People's Choice Awards" by fans. That's the difference. Calm the f*ck down and let Esperanza Spalding enjoy her award.

I just lost out in a raffle at Subway sandwiches to some guy that DOESN'T come here that often! S. Anthony maniacs...ATTACK HIS WIKIPAGE!!!

Sometimes people "Pick Fights" to gain emotional space for a breakup...and sometimes they're just complete a-holes.

I just bought the homeless guy (His name is Charles) that was sitting outside of the corner store, a hot tea and a sandwich. The funny thing is, I think he appreciated being looked at and talked to like a human being MORE than the food and drink. It's something to think about...

Special message to flexible women, all of that folding is nice and looks good but sometimes a guy just wants your legs around his waist OK?

Why do we sign LONG TERM contracts with cable and cellphone companies!?! That's as dumb as doing that with your supermarket!!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Finally, there will be several days of 60 plus degrees! Ladies, I look forward to daydreaming about your delicious newly uncovered bodies!!

90 minutes of foreplay (up from 45) for the next woman I'm in a relationship with. (See NFL, that's how you bring people to the table)

Aaah, sometimes not giving a sh!t feels as good as slipping into a hot bath after a long day...

I would write a tell all book...but jokes are faster and more fun.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

"I'm usually thinking of the dessert toppings that I'd cover your bottom with." - Me when asked what I'm thinking when watching a lady's ass.

Now that Mubarak is gone, what am I to do with these rolls of toilet paper and this flaming bag of poo? - Random guy in Egypt

Me + fighting couple in my car = that light pole looks really good right now.

Room service bill...release form, what's the difference? Just sign and let's go. No need to read it...

Friday, February 11, 2011

You are NOT the President! - Maury talking to Hosni Mubarak

Damn, Hosni Mubarak is outside asking if we have a spare room...

"Forget jobs, tell me MORE about EVERY woman's cervix and gay people! that'll feed my family!" - Voters (If you're a delusional politician)

Remember this, it's bounce a quarter on an EMPTY YOUR house. Don't ask.

"Do I look like the kind of person that...." <---If you've said or heard this phrase, you will be available again soon.

Wet nurse meet my dry mouth.

Uh oh, organized brown people... - Congress, AZ, Talk radio, Cable news...#egypt

Those weren't blanks and you're not just getting fat.

Voyeurism, shame and other words that today's society is rapidly making moot tonight at 11 on Eyewitness news!

Is there any way to cancel this long running show "Culture Wars" that I see on TV all of the time? We deserve better programming, right?

Valentines day is coming up, it's almost time to hand wash melted chocolate out of your underwear.

FUN FUn Fun fun fu.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Ladies, STOP with the butt implants. If you want to put SOMETHING into your buttocks...I'm available!!! I love to give, It's what I do.

Can we ALL just acknowledge that we went from wimps to nutcases in congress? I mean really...

I'm going to audit the "How NOT to get it" class taught by Hosni Mubarak at the learning Annex.

It's amazing how hot a woman looks when she's buying things at the home repair store. It's a real turn on knowing you don't have to do that sh!t.

Congress IS working on jobs. With less protection of our air, water, food and medicines MORE people will die thus less jobless. GENIUS!!!

Laziness is an addition just like drugs. Right now I'm shooting up "eat Chinese food and watch American Idol" I CAN QUIT ANY TIME I WANT TO!!

Hey photographers for major magazines, thanks for airbrushing the delicious texture out of all of the women's skin. Who needs NATURAL, kissable, lickable, nibble-able, rub your nose on-able, press as close to me as possible at all times-able skin that they were born with? Please, let's have more of that eerily smooth, plastic, phony glow having skin. It's a real turn on. Dumbasses!!

Breaking fake news! Sandman Sims from The Apollo in Harlem is on a plane to Egypt. Mubarak's time is almost over. Film @ 11!

Sorry ladies, if you want to see shirtless middle aged married white guys you're going to have to go someplace else. - #newcraigslistslogan

I don't do revenge, I do replace.

Some GOP that refused their healthcare are finding out how tough it can be. Wait until they find out that they have to be in blackface too.

Making love to a smoker is like thrusting your penis into an ashtray for 30 min and... yeah, you're right. The original version is better.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Energy Committee Chair Fred Upton Denies Human Role In Climate Change & suggests that doctors stop washing their hands between surgeries.

If ab crunches were a person, they'd have a red suit, a pitchfork and have a tail. Using THAT description, I think I dated ab crunches.

Don't fall asleep with your mouth open after taking fish oil tablets if you have a cat. Also, don't rub the tablets on your nipples.

If WE can tell that a movie is going to blow by just watching the commercial...c'mon movie companies! Too lazy to set the film on fire!?!

Imagine if "Fair minded, intelligent, NON racist/homophobic/sexist" people HERE had the balls AND fortitude of the Egyptian people...

Ranch dressing. It's... just wrong.

When your lady starts critiquing your compliments...GET OUT! The next step is "Accidental" elbows to the throat in your sleep. Trust me!

I have a 50 pound bag of salt in my basement, it had better snow again soon or I'm making homemade ice cream!

No need to go to DC anymore lobbyists, just set up a Paypal account and buy your congressmen off of craigslist online.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Apparently by constantly having sex with my stalkers I'm "encouraging them". Why is the system so against the black man!?!

I don't drink or do drugs, but I would love to overdose on MILFs right now.

How long can YOU hold back vomit, when during GUY TALK an uncle starts talking about sex stuff and it dawns on you he did THIS to your AUNT?

I don't want to date Halle Berry anymore.

I am dreading any commercial for any product that costs $911 or $9.11.

She knew that the stripper pole in her bedroom was NOT authentic when NO trace of hepatitis was found...

"I'll have what he's having" - a crack head after Hearing Eric Cantor diss Obama for suggesting that the Chamber start hiring Americans

The Repeatedly Sleepy Giant

The repeatedly sleepy Giant. What is it? To me it's a large group of people that continuously engage in positive actions for the good of OTHERS simply because it's the right thing to do. The shame is...this giant WILL NOT stay awake. You see it on holidays or tragedies... then it stops. Why? Why do we fight each other? I mean politically, religiously, personally...why?

Why does it take a tsunami, an earthquake, 9/11 etc, to get masses of people to care? Why is there "Compassion Fatigue"? Compassion...FATIGUE? Really? Is there a time limit on compassion? I didn't know that. What will it take to wake the giant PERMANENTLY? Genocide SHOULD be a word in a dictionary ONLY, not something that actually takes place. Why does the giant sleep through this? People HERE lose their homes and have their lives destroyed because of OUTRAGEOUS medical bills. Why does the giant sleep through this?

Companies with trillions of dollars in profit (profit from American consumers) won't hire people HERE in THEIR home country knowing that the unemployment rate is 9%. Why does the giant sleep through this? It's time now. It's time to wake that motherfucker up! WAKE UP!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Superbowl commercials should be placed in the dictionary next to the phrase "Trying too hard"

It's 9:11 right know Rudy Giuliani plays with himself EVERY MORNING AT THIS TIME!

Polarization in many cases is as dangerous as Polar bears, minus the huge piles of shit. Oh...forgot about cable news. I stand corrected.

Remember when cable news anchors were *snickers* RESPECTED? Ah, those were the days...

Those who WANT "Democracy" take to the streets, those who "HAVE" "Democracy" sit on their asses. So Egypt you have THAT to look forward to.

If you are going to regurgitate, please make sure that your prior meals consist mainly of facts. Otherwise STFU!

You know those friends & relatives that show up unannounced and try to stay so late that you have to drive them home? Two words... pit bull.

The chamber of commerce ate the your baby is safe.

I wish I was as cool as the black guys on TV sitcoms. Hahahahaha! Just kidding, I'm infinitely cooler!

As an evolved human being, I'm embarrassed that a phrase like "compassion fatigue" even exists. Huh? I GAVE YOU A QUARTER YESTERDAY!!!!

Wow, imagine what would happen if people boycotted businesses that fire people here and ship jobs elsewhere...hmmm...

When is entertainment tonight going to do a report on how people can buy knockoffs of the Black eyed peas audience outfits?

Sunday, February 6, 2011

I think beautiful women who AREN'T married but ARE involved should wear something that lets me know to NOT ask them out. Or lick them...

Your religion should comfort YOU, not BLUDGEON ME! If you take out the microscope on ANY religion...there are flaws. Relax and enjoy YOURS.

There should be a special STFU section of EVERY superbowl party for people that don't like or understand football...less blood that way.

ALL beautiful lady pop singers are actually singing loves songs to ME. Not YOU. Stop being delusional. You're embarrassing yourselves.

Did YOU know that the Star Spangled Banner had a Mad Libs version? #superbowl

Not to be outdone by Eminem's Detroit car commercial, Will Smith will soon be in a Philly cream cheese commercial. #superbowl

Did they kidnap half of the billboard top 10 and hide them in the roof? #superbowl

I hope the skeleton of a forgotten pop star doesn't fall out of the ceiling six months from now. #superbowl

It's okay America, now you SAFELY have an idea what an acid trip looks like #superbowl

God sent AN EMAIL to me, it said "I have NOTHING to do with TD's or grammy wins, YOU did that, but I DID make Kim K's're welcome"

When Glee does an episode that includes karate, car chases and explosions let me know, until then...

Saturday, February 5, 2011

If only I could find a woman that LOOKED like my ex, that DIDN'T bang everyone. Yeah... life would be good.

I got my little cousin's coloring book confused with an IKEA assembly instruction book and now my china cabinet looks like Dora the explorer.

I put my rolled up socks between the cheeks of her booty pop panties in the drawer. #foreshadowing #outsourcing #givingherahint

A woman's bottom to me is like two scoops of my favorite ice cream. I will add toppings and with her permission I will endlessly indulge. (FYI, this also applies to her boobs)

Hosni Mubarak in... "The thing that wouldn't leave" Summer 2011 Directed by James Cameron

"Hahahahahaha!!" - Happily married, semi attractive, slightly pudgy people laughing at Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry fighting like idiots.

Credit agencies are paparazzi for regular people.

This fast food place has steel chairs and a 50inch TV screen. Why go home and be sedentary? The only thing for them left to do is bomb gyms.

Cellphone commercials are as useful as commercials extolling the virtues of having orgasms. NOT F*CKING NECESSARY !!! WE GET IT! STFU!!

Alright 48 hours mysteries, if you're going to take up a whole show with ONE mystery we'll NEVER get through this cold case backlog!

Breaking News! The US Supreme court votes to put Mubarak back in power, oblivious to having no jurisdiction there. Film @ 11

Friday, February 4, 2011

You should NEVER casually ask a person to pick you up at 5am to take you somewhere. There needs to be begging first. Or ass.

I don't care what ANYONE says, I still want MY 6 months with Halle Berry!

Fish oil capsules go IN YOUR MOUTH. Shut up! The first one of you that laughs...I WILL FIGHT YOU!!!

I've already started to bang my head against the wall to toughen it up for the next Presidential debates.

So, I can see teen girls lick each other for free online but it costs money to see a documentary? What a sha...Hahaha! I don't really care.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

S.Anthony says... (Well, have you?)

Have you noticed how many things that you do out of habit or obligation that USED to be done for fun? There is a ton of clutter in my life that I didn't notice until recently.

I consider "Clutter" ANYTHING' that holds you back or makes you feel like shit unnecessarily. It could be spending too much time or energy on TOO many social networking sites, friends who have nothing but negative things to say about the people and things MOST important to you, or any thoughts that lie to you about your limitations.

Something as got to give.

Some things have got to GO.

I'm not the only one who feels this way, am I?

Anyone have a copy of P89X? (alright, I'm a LITTLE competitive)

Alright, I'm done. Sorry to wake you...

I don't like family DRAMA...but a family SILENT film would be great right now.

Wait until Dracula realizes that it's just ketchup. HAHAHAHA! Oh shit! Here he comes!!!!!

I like my women like I like my know what? Just... no.

Ratings drop as dramatically as Horatio Caine gets lasik surgery. Film at 11 (Let's see how many of you mofos get this one!) ;-)

Richard Pryor's semen was so coke filled it was dangerous to Pam Grier? First of all, if your penis gets in PAM GRIER who needs coke!?!

Dolly Parton, Kim Kardashian, singing duet, music video....GENIUS. You're welcome world. This one is on me!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

My cousin was listening to Willow Smith while studying for a college exam. Was I wrong to knock over his juice, say "NERD!" and run out?

Birthers? Still? Really? I can't wait until they claim that the first lady President was born a man insulting women & trans-gender citizens

Symmetrical Vaginas....they're FANTASTIC! (Much MORE FANTASTIC than you NBA. Deal with it!)

I want to get so angry that I see red, then take a Viagra so I'll see blue...why? 3D glasses cost too damned much!

Mubarak has people on horses beating protesters? Horses? He IS OLD!

Breaking fake news! GOP votes to repeal President Obama's melanin. Film at 6 & 11!

So ABC, forget my sitcom idea, give ME 25 gorgeous women who for some reason want to sleep with a guy they just met. #nextbachelorsanthony

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

You'd be proud of me. I came home to find someone in my dug out of the snow parking spot, and I just "Showed" my rifle. Yeah...growth.

Mubarak is 82 years old. If you want to keep him out of power, move the capital 100 yards away and 10 floors up. He won't make it back in.

Breaking News! Hosni Mubarak gets first post political job as new spokesman for the Jack Lalanne Power Juicer. Film @ 6&11!

In preparation for the Ice Storm coming I'm covering my porch in Jack Daniels and nipples. Wait, what?

How long before the deep voiced guy from The Geico commercials starts "Comparing rates" with Flo from Progressive?

Have you ever posted something innocuous on Facebook, then watched two people viciously fight on YOUR page? That crap is hilarious!

Breaking fake news! Mubarak's problem with populace has been traced back to his hiring the PR arm of Halliburton/KBR years ago Film @ 6 & 11!


Politics is merely over privileged people doing busy work. The difference is, when YOU push around files on your desk or play solitaire...people don't get sick, fired or die. Also, YOU give a shit.

We really have to find better ways and better people to put in positions of power. I get tired of people complaining about "The system". The system is nothing but a tool, like a knife or fork. When used properly by rational people, they are not a problem. In the hands of a psycho...

And as you can see from the blatant lies, some of these people are psycho.

Just saying...