Ever see a security guard that looks like HE is going to steal some shit? I just did.

I'm going to write "Viciously slams into cars that have signs on them warning of slow driving and frequent stops" on my car. Yup.

I just slept with the personal assistant on my android device. Can YOUR girlfriend play Prince music & search the web during lovemaking?

Dear eating healthy, screw you!

A lady rubs her boobs..sexy. A guy rubs his balls...perverted. A guy rubs his balls on a woman's boobs.... S. Anthony Thomas. I'm the man!

I give up.
(FYI "Up" is my nickname for massages to women's butt cheeks)

I have girlfriends shave half of their body so when we do it on the other side it's like getting it on with a street hooker. #nooneishere

You've made it when the media digs up things from years ago to smear you. Future media, fuck you & those that look like you. Love, S. A. T.

FYI, I didn't mean me. I've got nothing to dig up. I admit to all of my weird shit. You all should know THAT by NOW. :)

You don't have a leash on that pit bull, I don't have my foot on the brakes. My niece is in that school yard. Your move....

I HATE my morals. I just rejected a hot 19 year old. Well, she didn't see me and it was only in MY mind but I say it still counts. Shut up!

Guess what turns "Know where to turn?" into "Nowhere to turn"...this guy's bullshit GPS.

That new coffee lacks bitterness because elephants eat the beans...then shit it out to remove it? Uh, I'll take MINE bitter un-shat. Thanks.

Working on my autobiography. Is it too soon to put in flying cars and rapping dinosaurs?