Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Too many things can easily be hidden in apple butter, that's why I don't eat it anymore...

String theory is really about thong flavor.

Yeah girl, watch me lick this stamp...oh, calling a friend to tell them about me huh? *5 minutes pass* What's the problem officer?

Drug dealers should just pretend to be giving out free flu shots.
It's NOT spermicide, it's spermi-murder!


Monday, November 25, 2013

I took a selfie of myself taking a selfie of myself taking a selfie....

...and that's the REAL cause of global warming

Watching a beautiful woman brush her hair is wonderful.

Getting dressed and down from the tree before the cops get there...priceless.

No, I ordered a pizza, not a religious pamphlet and boring conversation. I think you want my neighbor. No...that one. I don't like him.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Hate the President because he's black? Ask yourself why skin color causes you to hate. Figure that out and 80% of your problems will go away.

My cat got 5,000 likes on Facebook by posting a picture of me with my head through a slice of bread.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Lynching-->Police Brutality
Colored only--->No school books
Dogs & Fire hoses--->Stop & Frisk
Birth of a Nation--->Fox News


Friday, November 22, 2013

Grilled cheese sandwiches with bacon on a croissant should be eaten in the ER.

Why spend extra money on the ambulance ride?


Thursday, November 21, 2013

I just had a DNA test on the Trisha Goddard show and found out that I'm 50% man, *50% AMAZING!

*Just kidding, I'm 100% AMAZING!

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Wednesday! Yeah! Thrust day! Huh? HUMP day? What? Well, when is THRUST day? There isn't one? Screw that! I'm changing it to "Thrust" day!

Today is the first day of the rest of your life... and so is tomorrow... and the next day....wait, why do we say that crap?

Monday, November 18, 2013

The next person George Zimmerman kills will be on your head racists on radio...and cable news.

Your...fucking ...head.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

My sleep number bed touched me inappropriately.
(I now have one in EVERY room.)

I love eating Domino's pizza outside of Papa John's pizza wearing a fuck you tee-shirt.

Friday, November 15, 2013

It would be so easy to date a political wife.

"I've never taken taken drugs or shown my junk you up at 8?"

"FREE WIFI FOR ALL!!!!!" - The FIRST President to ever win 99% of the popular vote

Thursday, November 14, 2013


Thanks very much to everyone for the kind words and for your support for my new podcast. I really appreciate it!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Yes Facebook, I see the right side of my screen and I know by the ads you're aware of my searches. Is there any way you can turn off this feature?  I don't want the person sitting beside me at the coffee shop to see ads for huge ebony booties, asian women with huge boobs and pumpkin spiced coffee.

I'm really ashamed of the pumpkin coffee....

*hangs head in shame*

The more you take jokes on the internet literally and seriously...the closer to being a moron you become...

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Did you know Old MacDonald was a bad speller and a racist?
"That guy is a N-I-G-G-E-R...E-I-E-I-O..."

Duct taping pom poms onto your butt is NOT a turn on to cheerleaders...apparently...

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Women think just because they smell great, are delicious & being inside them is the best thing in the world that they can...

Oh, they CAN.

Friends with "benefits" mean friends "up in I gits"...right? Huh? That was great, right?
*walks away embarrassed*

Being super cute, incredible in the sack, super talented and just plain awesome is not as much *fun as it used to be....

Bonus feature:
I will listen to your long ass stories about your boring girlfriends and actually seem *interested.
(*I am not interested)

Spankings for *EVERYBODY!!!!!
*cute women

YOUR religion does not have ALL of the answers. NONE does. Why? Some questions are unanswerable....and that's okay.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Hey, other black guys, lets rush to NYC to get our last racist "Stop and Frisks" before the new Mayor takes over. They're collectors items.

Word of mouth is only effective if the mouth isn't attached to a moron.

Lead singers of rock's not the 80's anymore. No high kicking from you, okay?


"White Mayors on crack have more fun."

-Marion Barry
*gets cab in New York, immediately holds press conference to describe the experience on BET*

Richie Incognito and the story of me getting bullied

I talk about the surprise I felt when I heard people’s reactions on sports radio to Richie Incognito bullying his teammate Jonathan Martin and how I can relate to the situation…because I was also bullied. (NSFW)

Running Time 13min07sec

Click HERE

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Making love with the woman of your dreams is AWESOME. I've made love to the woman of YOUR dreams so I know. Oh, she doesn't like you at all.

Replace the "Affordable Care Act" with the "Medicare for ALL Act"...and then that lame ass website could be used for porn or something...

"Quality over quantity" and "Garbage in garbage out" also apply to people. 

It's true.

Trust me...

I don't need cialis, but I'm going to take some...with a tall glass of nitrate juice.

I will not use any wealth I attain in my dream future to attract a trophy wife. I just want someone to take out the trash. I hate that shit.

The History Channel is going to remake "Roots" screwing up plans for "Tyler Perry's Madea on a Slave Ship"

No! YOUR name is TOBY!

Saturday, November 2, 2013