When I make love to a lady, I also have opening ceremonies with fireworks and a live band. During the closing ceremony I'm watching TV.

Imagine getting it on with an Olympic athlete right after they win a gold medal...or feeling up a lady right after she gets gold teeth...

Dear people who are in a privileged position whether by hard work or luck... STFU and STOP complaining!

I've done celebrity roasts before. What have I learned? Celebrities have plenty of money to hire people to beat you up. That is all...

Dear Illuminati, can I get in on this "Take over the world" thing? There's NOTHING on TV right now...

The echo on my phone is great for phone sex with a hard of hearing lady.

"No, after YOU...."
- Really polite threesome