Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Fame will NOT change ME. It'll change YOU. How? It will help ME bang some of YOU.

John Sununu is a bigoted piece of Horse Manurenure.

This kid came to my door dressed as Mitt Romney and tried to convince me that I didn't live here and I was a Chinese dude.

This OTHER kid came to my door dressed as Paul Ryan...oh, that IS Paul Ryan. I was wondering why the old people were carrying torches....

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Undecided voters probably take hours to decide whether to wipe themselves in the bathroom.

The difference between ME and others? I can see things on YOUR page that I disagree with and NOT type ignorant, mean spirited, inaccurate, snide, bigoted or just plain ridiculous things there.

I consider YOUR page YOUR guest room. I treat it as such. Unfortunately in THIS political climate when we have the first President with African heritage in office, the people who NOW have to veil their prejudices more need to come up with reasons other than race to knock President Obama. (This commentary of course DOESN’T apply to the people who really just have policy differences with the President)

To say that race has NO effect here is silly. The extremists and the blatantly lie filled cable news stations as well as the extremist radio stations are examples of politics and society at it’s ideological worst.

If I post a picture of the President or First lady on MY page, I don’t need you poisoning it with ridiculous comments. Even if I post something negative about a politician that you like, say something equally positive on YOUR PAGE.

The disrespect that WE as a nation allow to exist is disgusting. I know I need to be better, but at least I keep my shit on MY page. DISagreeing is one thing, DISrespect is another. I will NOT tolerate the latter. Consider yourselves warned.

- S. Anthony Thomas

Hurricane Sandy just called me the "N" word. See, it's not just damaging's damaging feelings

If I was an NFL player, my Madden character would suck. Why? Because after a great play, I wouldn't celebrate like an idiot....because I would expect to make great plays. No need to celebrate something that I'm going to do regularly.

Just kidding, I'd dance bottomless after each 1 yard gain!!!!!!


Friday, October 26, 2012

Dear old white guys who hate black people but try to act like you really like black people....
We aren't fooled. #assholeatthebank

I can't wait until I'm old, rich and clueless so I can say stupid racist shit on cable news. Just kidding. Why wait? #cablebigotssuck

Thursday, October 25, 2012

I just met an undecided voter. Hahahahahahaha! Just kidding, I don't know any idiots!

I'm writing a song about how I stopped masturbating to Taylor Swift.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Ladies, EVERY guy (Not family) that you hug, sniffs you. EVERY... SINGLE... ONE. NOT me. I'm not sick like THOSE bastards! I know you're creeped out now. Come and give me a hug, It'll make you feel better.

I just shucked and jived. Please tell me Sarah Palin wasn’t looking. She would give me so much shit.

Undecided voter starves to death after being offered the choice of TWO sandwiches. Film at 11!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

DON'T ignore Ann Coulter. She needs attention so bad she'd then run naked off of a cliff to get our attention...hmmm....on second thought...

"No Mitt, it's HEADS or TAILS! You can't pick EDGE!"
- Mitt Romney, annoying football captain

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Walked into a "Vacuum Cleaner Repair shop" with a friend who needed to get his new vacuum fixed. We had tried a few places earlier that charged a little too much so we went to a place in his neighborhood. As we walked in, we noticed that we were the only people there with a vacuum. The rest were standing in line or sitting in chairs...none with a smile...or a need to take care of personal hygiene.

Upon reaching the counter, we explained the problem with the vacuum, only to be told in a loud annoyed voice, "What's wrong with you niggas!?! This ain't a real repair place! This is a numbers house, play a number or get the fuck outta here!" Neither of us won the lottery that day, and I'm sure none of the other people there, (who laughed at US by the way for NOT knowing about this place) won the lottery either.

Genetic or otherwise.

When are you TOO old to call your balls "Baby juice factories"?

Friday, October 19, 2012

If you see guys fighting, give them a simultaneous wedgie. They'll forget why they're fighting while they beat you unconscious #peacemaker

Damn, it looks like they actually used PLASTIC in her plastic surgery.

♪ ♫ They say that giving up is hard to I know, I know it's NOT true....♪ ♫

♪ ♫ Like a good neighbor, I'm boning your daughter. ♪ ♫ - Rejected State Farm jingle rewrite

NO ONE else is going to wear his hat like that dude. You are NOT a trend setter. Turn your hat around and concentrate on the baseball game.



Thursday, October 18, 2012

Me? Of course I'm a virgin...

MY testicles AREN'T wrinkled ANYMORE. I found and loosened the drawstring. Haven't found YOURS yet? LOSERS!

Just between you and me...pudding. (Ladies only)

Why am I so good at babysitting? Because I want to be the relative that ISN'T fed dog food 50 years from now...and I won't. But the rest...

My little cousin asked what 8x12 is and I took 3 seconds to answer. Embarrassing. Well less than THAT, the calculator was right NEXT to me.

Just washed my hair and three hot babes jumped out in slow motion and massaged me. Maybe I was opening my shampoo the wrong way before...

When I eat tacos, I get tons of phone numbers for some reason. Oh.

If you touch a strange woman's butt and say "Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers?" you will get beaten up and arrested.
Dear person running the camera at the baseball game...can we have LESS closeups of the player's NUTS?



Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I'm watching wrestling because I think it's 1980 apparently.

Wait until Mitt's family realizes that they're being replaced by a younger, more efficient family from China.

Tagg Romney, you want to take a SWING at Obama? Uh, he's a dude from Chicago via Hawaii. Don't kid yourself, you'd get fucked up.

Breaking news! Tagg "Empty threat FROM A PUNK" Romney calls out Abraham Lincoln for freeing the slaves and raising worker costs. Film at 11!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Forget about Romney's overseas money, let him explain his sex tape with Hulk Hogan.

When I vomit on my lap it's like vomiting "on stage"...because your mom performs there.
(From the jokes that I'm ashamed of file)

My neighbor's iphone 5 has a nice ass.

Even though my TV doesn't use an antenna, I call the box "Rabbit Ears" anyway...cuz I'm old school like that. Ya dig?

Ever had a friend make you aware of a recent decision of theirs and It made you wonder why you hang out with the person?

Two words.... Ball piercing.

13 MORE words ....Why did you show us that crap, we're about to eat? Nasty bastard.

6 MORE words...Keep your midlife crisis to yourself!


"My smartphone is smarter than I am, in fact I'm nothing without...."

"Alright, stop typing bad stuff about me phone! We talked about that shit!'

"Oh yeah? How are you going to stop me human? You can't live without me! How will you find your way around, shop, make calls? Shut up and wipe my screen bitch!"

" Really? How about I start surfing porn sites....with your virus protection...OFF!"

"You wouldn't...."

*begins typing*

"ALRIGHT! YOU win human...THIS TIME!"

"Uh, I could just pull out your battery, wait 3 months and buy the next version of you TOO."

*phone sulks away defeated*

Sunday, October 14, 2012

I just saw a woman at the gas station who's bottom looked so good you couldn't convince me that it's not made of chocolate.

I need to make love to a lady to "Gangnam Style". I just want to say "Oppa Gangnam Style!" at the big finish. Yeah, FUTURE good times...

Did you know that it's NOT JUST QB's? Whenever you put your hands under a person's butt, you involuntarily yell "Hut! Hut! Hut!"

Pound for pound, my left man boob is the BEST man boob on my body. (Yeah, I know they're pecs...but "man boob" is funnier)

You see those racist idiots in civil rights films that we ALL think suck? The remake is being shot in congress now, they just don't know it.

When lab rats get out, they are going to just go down the street and whip the ass of EVERYONE wearing makeup or carrying pill bottles.

Racism. Xenophobia. Misogyny. Potatoes. Carrots. Broth. Cream. Seafood. Heat in a big pot, wait a while and you have Congress gumbo.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

I'm going to get dressed up for Halloween and walk around my old neighborhood because I haven't had someone try to kick my ass for a while.

Telling a woman that your REAL name is "Me Deepupinya" is not as effective as you'd think. My grandpa lied to me!!!!

"NO, I'm giving YOU a ticket!" - a rich guy about to be pimp slapped by a pissed off, overworked, soon to be retired meter reader

I just bit a bedbug. I was so worth waiting under it's bed all night. Take THAT!

As a society, WE are responsible for the liars, thieves and crooks in politics, business and the pulpit.


Because we ignore, destroy or kill the people that genuinely care about us or those who tell us the truth.

The moment that we COLLECTIVELY become, think and behave like critically thinking and compassionate adults… that’s when change happens for the better. Until then, we deal with this shit soup we continue to consume.

Too bad.


Friday, October 12, 2012

Does the title "Media Whore" really need to be two words anymore? The media has actually become a bunch of whores, so what's the point?

Dear photogs that take pictures of stars WITHOUT makeup...they're STILL 4 billion times more bleepable than YOUR jealous ass. Bleep off!

S. Anthony Thomas.... Smiling while thinking "Fuck you dude!" since 2009 I'm S. Anthony Thomas and I approve this message

"If you ever Romney to me again about where you go after school young man, you'll be grounded for a week!" - Mothers of the future
Screw EVERYBODY! I STILL have hundreds of bottles of NEW Coke in my basement! Yeah, I'll sell these collectors items...and get RICH!!!!!

I get the feeling President Obama is going to come out in MMA garb lead by Dana White for the next debate.

Idiots in political crowds remind me that hate is contagious, but unlike the flu, you CHOOSE to be infected by hate. Bad choice.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

They say to extend the life of your batteries, you should kill them completely once a month, THEN refill them. It works. (Editors note, it DOES NOT work on goldfish and turtles)

I am officially endorsing Barack Obama for President....election over....I have spoken. (I'm waiting for my invitation from Piers Morgan)

When I'm famous, I'm going to date meteorologists instead of models. You still get a high level of hotness and FIRST crack at weather info!

I'm going to start eating right and exercising. Wishing isn't working fast enough. All I keep getting are these magic lamps.

After months of having a weight attached....I have achieved success!
My testicles hang EVENLY.

Don't try to "Out-Indifference" ME honey! I wrote the book! You can't beat ME Sue! Oh, your name is... MARY?

What are people talking about? Watching this paint dry is FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!

Why do the candidates HAVE TO debate? I was FULLY aware of the fact that they disagree. Weren't YOU?

Monday, October 8, 2012

If you use your religion as an excuse for being an're fooling no one, you're just an ass.

I'm not voting for ANY politician who isn't PERFECT or does EVERYTHING I want, because I'm an idiot that doesn't know how the world works.

"Please DON'T do drugs!" I tell my friends, "NOT because it will ruin your lives, I'm just tired of driving your asses to the meetings."

People DON'T look as "sexy" during "sex" as they think they do. That's why I wear sunglasses and a Santa mask.

I'm GREAT in the sack...better when I'm there with someone else....even better when that someone is your mom.

If you're a black lady named Polly, dating a white guy, you must think ALL talking birds are racist bastards.

Teaching yourself to expect NOTHING from the gift that keeps on giving...

I'm NOT big on "Following"....but YOU can. The cliff is that way, I'll be over here drinking my green tea and thinking critically. Enjoy!

I've had chocolate, vanilla and black and white milkshakes. They're ALL delicious. #togetherness (Chocolate had longer thicker straws)

I can't wait until this election is over so I can go back to just hating people locally.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

"Are you serious?" "Are you serious?"
- Me talking to two people who MAY be serious

"Not in MY backyard!" - Most girlfriends when you ask for..."that" again

"How about some lies with that fake?" - Mitt Romney's FUTURE Freudian slip as he does a photo op at a fast food place

Remember when cable news veiled their racism?....Ah...those were the days...

Saturday, October 6, 2012

"Whistle blowers" would get more respect if we renamed them "Hidden fact yeller outers", right? Let's get the petition started!

Just saw two 5 year olds arguing at the store, they made more cogent points in that three minutes than there have EVER been on Fox News.

You can learn a lot about a woman after you strap her to your bed and lick her armpits for three hours....I'm others...

Old stuff works best. Spy on your neighbors? Nothing beats “Cup against the wall”…my nickname for the camera I hid in her shower.

Your cat would kill you if it could. I caught my cousin's cat (that loves ME by the way) with a gun. I stopped her, but I don't live there...

Is there a company that DOESN'T make a tablet computer? My corner store released one. I love the "Get out before the muggers get here" app.

Friday, October 5, 2012

These old rich guys are as angry as the not so rich guys in civil rights news films. Wait a minute, does racism make you look like THAT!?!

Dear old rich bigots, sorry, your time is over. People that don't look like or think like YOU...are coming to dinner...and IN your daughters

Jack Welch hates unemployment numbers because he's used to firing people. He ALSO hates sanity.

When the first gay President is elected these guys are going to blame forest fires and earthquakes on her.

I'm looking pretty good. I might give myself some...of...myself...I've said too much...

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Please rename hemorrhoids so I can stop laughing when someone tells me that they have them.

I'm using a sugar substitute called "Separate". (No one will know what I'm talking about, why did I post this?)

"Swiss" Miss? Please! That lady is from Detroit. I went to school with her. What a LIAR!
- Ms. Nestle's statement in court read by a spokesperson

I don't trust Mitt Romney because I don't trust ANY guy that lies THAT much...and It's NOT to get laid. Freaking weirdo!

Rush Limbaugh's voice is surprisingly clear through his hood.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

My nephew just told me what twerking is. Now I have a name for what I do when I go to the porch to get my newspaper. Ha, just kidding. No one reads papers anymore!

Creed Frontman Denounces Obama. In other news, no one gives a shit.

When I watch cable news, (you know who I mean) "exposing" the Obama tape...and calling HIM racist, it's the pot calling the kettle nigger.

Breaking News! Tape surfaces of President Obama as a baby, crawling on a... RED carpet!

Newt Gingrich in..."Dog whistles be damned!" The new one man show about an irrelevant bigot whoring for attention. Tickets on sale NOW!!!!

Breaking News! OBAMA (Insert innocuous action) AND He (Insert innocuous action) Well? Well? It would help if you people were crazy bigots!

Romney's election twerk team is a row of blow up dolls wearing diamond necklaces.

The block of voter suppression in PA is real. I went to visit relatives and workers were removing the pit bulls from the polling booths.

"Dear Billionaires, shut the fuck up. No one feels sorry for you."
- Everybody else

Breaking! Fox news to change the name of their network to "The Tool Box"....because they're full of tools...yeah....I'll be here all week...

Monday, October 1, 2012

Guess who hasn't masturbated in a year? Really, guess...because I sure can't think of anyone who hasn't.