Friday, December 30, 2011

"Fuck what science says, the world is FLAT!"
"It's cold outside, so there is NO global warming"
(Douchebags don't change, topics do)

Lopez...Kardashian....Perry.... your move next celebrity that I don't care about!

Thanksgiving, spend time with family.
Christmas, spend time with family.
New Years Eve, wake up nude on lawn of family. Not YOUR family...according to the police.

Fox News Forced To Apologize For Offending Jews In Christmas Poll
In other news, Obama converts, TAKE THAT FOX!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

If you are a young, attractive actress and you're trying to flirt with a casting director who is a little heavy....DO NOT have ANY of your sentences contain "...and you're a diabetic, right?"

That will make you less hot to him, and jobless.

But I'LL laugh silently, then write about it on the internet.

STOP doing things that fall into the stereotypes of your specific ethnic group!  You DON'T see ME doing PORNO anymore do you!?!  I mean...what's PORNO?

Maybe I need glasses, because I no longer see the point.

If I'm OLD and UNmarried, I WILL date 25yr old gold diggers, I will get DISAPPROVAL, I will NOT CARE because I WILL be getting LAID. Yup.

If we USED to have sex...and you call me, if the first words out of your mouth aren't "You may AGAIN have access to my lady junk!" Go away.

C'mon Kelly Clarkson. There are much better and less embarrassing ways to try for VP. 

Okay snooty flight attendant, you said "Turn off YOUR phone!"...but you didn't say I couldn't turn ON this guy's phone. Ha! I'm smart. 

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

...and in a shocking twist, a premature baby leaves her irresponsible mother in a box with a badly written note (how good can a preemie write give her a break) reading "Let's see how YOU like it BITCH!" Film at 11!

Dear long term girlfriends, LESS boudoir photos, MORE boudoir phucking. Thanks.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Hey, guy constantly complaining about his wife, I hate her more than you do. She's apparently turned you into a whining loser. STFU!

Pretending to care is HARD work, but CHEAPER than I'll stick with this pretending crap. But when I'm rich, WATCH OUT!!!

I accidently tripped my cousin (a black guy) and shot to the number two position in the latest straw poll.

My New Years resolution is (near the end of the year insert completed tasks so I can retroactively get credit and an unearned ego boost)

I'm BURNING ALL of MY old newsletters. You won't get ME ya bastids! Those pics of me in scooby doo drawers will REMAIN a secret! Oh crap...

"I'm changing the voting rules because I'm a lying racist...what? Who put the Sodium Pentothal in my coffee!?!" - Asshole Governors

Anyone else with Facebook TIMELINE getting wall posts from dead relatives? Weird. I deactivated THAT app....

Monday, December 26, 2011

It has come to MY attention....that the world will NOT just GIVE me what I want. What's up with THAT!?!

Have you ever looked at the people in your life and thought "THESE motherfuckers have go to GO!"?

"My penis tastes good...they say. THEY say!"  - A guy who wants the seat next to him to STAY empty

Friday, December 23, 2011

Stop saying "Mother nature has something up her sleeve". Mother Nature doesn't wear sleeves ...because Father Nature has an armpit fetish.

Why are women so much nicer to me AFTER I've had my penis in them?

I really want to kick the shit out of some people. Not people in general, specific people. You know who they are. Did YOU see the video of the "Men?" that BEAT, STRIPPED & STOMPED that defenseless woman in Egypt? Of course you did.

These pieces of shit are NOT men. I AM a MAN and I do NOT want this scum attached to MY gender. A man does NOT use his power to hurt someone. A MAN does NOT hit a woman. These are NOT men.  If you are a "Law" enforcement officer, someone given training, weapons and the licence to use them and you use that power to beat, strip and stomp ANYONE...YOU ARE SHIT.

Fuck you. Fuck your coward friends. Fuck anyone that condones what you did and I hope that YOU get what YOU deserve.  I repeat...FUCK YOU.

Sorry, I'm going to be ME. Don't like that?  Go enjoy self carnal knowledge and then dine on the biological waste of a diseased animal. Ok?

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Hot news anchors that hold notes over their crotches during standing news reads...we know it's back there and we're thinking about it. Yeah.

"You ungrateful muthafucka!" - spouse in car commercial watching as THEIR spouse eyes ANOTHER car after just being given a NEW one as a GIFT

"A guy with Dissociative disorder becomes a terrorist? THIS is what "Fight Club" was about? Why am I just finding out about this?" - Old guy

This newsletter scandal is going to hurt sales of Ron Paul's new Hip Hop CD.    Bad timing. His street cred is gone. What a waste of talent.

If SOPA passes, teach the BIG companies a lesson and BOYCOTT ALL entertainment but ME. Self serving? No, I'm trying to help YOU!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Facebook "TIMELINE" is great, I actually went back in time and found ALL of the money that I've lost in my lifetime. Yup. I'm getting a NEW wardrobe.

When did Vince McMahon buy cable news? That stuff looks like early 80's WWF wrestling now.

Members of congress run out of the house before taking a vote. Someone must have turned the light on in the kitchen.

I shave my head and my genitals within minutes of each other, because if I don't do it before the bus goes downtown... weird people get on.

I get the feeling that Jesus would probably laugh at the SNL Tebow sketch and call Pat Robertson "Disgusting". Just saying...

Voter suppression = Bigotry = You should NEVER be allowed to hold public office again.

On the bright side, after their sprint out of the house was timed, 14 members of congress qualified for the US track team. 

Limit the "Detention of American citizens" to Springer guests & women who won't let me do weird things to their butts and I'm cool with it.

I just looked up some of my old posts in my Facebook TIMELINE. I'm pretty funny sometimes. Also, severely disturbed...ALL  of the time.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

If a tree falls in the woods...and no one is there to hear it, is it still LOUDER than John Boehner is to Congress?

"Dear Jackie Mason....I'm now taking Ed Sullivan's side." -a now EX fan

"...and BOTH parties share blame. If he moved from where the guy was stabbing, this couldn't happen!" - DC media takes over the crime beat

Monday, December 19, 2011

Breaking! Fidel Castro receives his $5 payout from North Korea for beating Kim Jong Il in the World Leader death pool. Film at 11!

The White House releases pictures of Jon Bon Jovi alive and well. Relax middle aged housewives, you still have a shot. Hahahaaha! Nope.

Dick Morris eats a bowl of live kittens for breakfast in the morning.

Dear television, enough of the "Black guy ain't shit" & "Angry Black women" stuff. Thanks. I have no problem boycotting your ass.

Dear EVERYONE, Newt doesn't want to be President, he wants money and attention. That's why he's saying crazy shit. Okay? You're welcome.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

STOP walking dogs BIGGER than YOU, or I'm starting a petition to put your picture next to the word "Asshole" in the dictionary.

I'm officially old. Why do I say this? Because I can't tell if twenty year olds are flirting with me until someone else tells me later.

Kim Jong Il and Osama Bin Laden found in a Hooters in Dayton Ohio. Film at 11!

Dear Netflix, we ALL know you exist. STFU with the 40 commercials per hour. You don't see McDonald's doing tha....nevermind. Carry on.

Tyler Perry faces backlash after hiring Kim Kardashian to play Kim Jong Il in his new bio-flick Film at 11!

Kim Jong Il's death surprisingly hasn't lost him any momentum as he's STILL only behind Gingrich by 2 points in a new Fox poll Film at 11!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

A lady called me nigger. I was stunned, I didn't stop having sex with her though. Hey, I paid for the FULL hour.

Give me a woman with this look, Rachel Maddow’s intellect and personality (minus the not attracted to dudes part) and increase the melanin…

So, stopping your dramatic monologue near the end and passing around a tip jar is bad? I...MAKE...MY...OWN...RULES!

I tailgate people on elevators...only amateurs use cars.

Fetishes? Me? Nope. I'm going to do EVERYTHING to you.

Friday, December 16, 2011

I'm coming out with a clothing line called "Keeping my career afloat until I'm relevant again" Yes, It will be sold at Walmart.

I have NEVER had a Krispy Kreme donut. Yes, I am stronger than YOU. Also, none are close to me.

I am a horrible negotiator. I can go from "Let's talk" to "Fuck you, fuck this, bye!" two seconds after you stop being honest or fair.

I have some friends who are "Model/Pretty boy" types and although I'm sure that they didn't mean to be insulting (sarcasm)....they were confused by the fact that MORE women wanted me than them. They dated more "Model types", but I was approached by more women in general. I explained:  I have never been handsome, I am not handsome now and I will never be handsome...

   ...but I am CUTE.  

When you get a wrinkle, gain five pounds or a have an're "Losing it".  When that happens to me, I get more "cuddly and masculine". Yeah. You get laid more quickly, but I can get laid more often. SUCK IT! Hahhahahaha! I then assured them that I also did not mean to be insulting.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I'm NOT a 12 year old girl, so I don't care who celebrities are dating. #thenewssucks

I'm NOT watching the #iowadebate. The debates don't get really good until AFTER the 50th one.

Dear lion with seven heads, If one of these people wins....THAT'S your cue! #iowadebate

Dear people who allow negative attacks to decide who they'll vote for instead of doing are morons.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


When they reach a certain frequency, requests for your time become disrespectful. If everyone else gets their activities completed and you don't, you have reached that point. There comes a point when you look at the people around you and notice that you are merely a device used to complete tasks. Your feelings, desires and dreams are of no real THEM.

 Don't get me wrong, they don't wan't anything bad to happen to you. But tell me, how different is that than the way they feel about the family pet or a favorite pair of shoes?  Many people make the mistake of thinking disrespect has to be overt, brutal, loud or obvious. That type is actually easier to deal with. That person can be dismissed and all hostility and bad feelings travel out of your mind and life with their exit.  But what if they are close to you? What if they are friends? Family? A spouse? Change is necessary. Either their behavior has to change, or their distance from you must. Sometimes, you really do have to think of yourself first. Sometimes, it's the first time you've ever thought of yourself first. It's about time isn't it?
I just got Maury's wife pregnant. THAT show is going to be AWESOME! Maury...I AM the FATHER!

Who wants to buy a tape of Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain fucking? If you said You...are...sick.

The White House will NOT veto National Defense Authorization Act. W...T...F? Does anyone else hear conspiracy theorists laughing at us?

I'm NOT a lying, power hungry whore, so no DC, you DON'T represent ME. FYI, when you start detaining citizens know that I was just kidding.

Christine O'donnell endorses Romney. Makes sense, she's a WITCH and he can't decide WHICH Romney to be.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

NOBODY beats Steve Wilkos at musical chairs. NO-FREAKING-BODY!!!

When I greet women, I kiss them on the BUTT cheeks. You're welcome ladies...and it was my pleasure.

Celebrity wife swap. No.

I'm watching Family Guy on Hulu. The commercial is skipping badly but the show is running perfectly. WIN!

The NTSB will soon ban talking to asshole passengers...I'm all for THAT!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Would it be possible to expand the definition of ASSAULT to include overheard conversations, that are so idiotic, that they make you fear the future of society?

After seeing Romney look for a friendly face to talk to and seeing what the Veteran soldier he spoke to did to him (calling him out on his same sex marriage opposition), I can't wait until Gingrich goes to a "Swingers" club...and finds out that they just dance there.

Headline: Gingrich Takes Fidelity Pledge  -MY response: Oh, so THAT was his problem, he forgot to PLEDGE the first two times.

I will be signing copies of my new book:  Act like a woman, dress like a woman, think like a woman because I don't date dudes.   What's weird is I haven't written it yet. Why are all of these people in line? Weirdos.

Rick Perry thinks that he's running for President Of American Apparel

Sunday, December 11, 2011

NEVER say "Bite me" to the person that REGULARLY puts your genitals in their mouth. There may be a selective application of your request.

Marcus Bachmann. 1 YEAR from now. Big revelation to Barbara Walters. Count on it.

Special message to women who put out pictures of themselves with their butts and boobs exposed...yet insist on putting their hand over their vagina. Here's a few guy secrets:

We want to SEE your boobs.
We want to SEE your butts.
We want to be IN your vagina.... (it's still the best thing on earth even if we NEVER SEE it, but STILL GET IN IT)    But if it makes you feel better about letting us see your delicious bodies...I'm okay with it. are MORE than THAT to us....but we sure love THAT.

I like those new FORD commercials where the "Everyday Person" is ambushed by a "CELEBRITY STYLE" press conference, but why do they cut off the commercial BEFORE they are caught with the hooker, the blow and the tax evasion charges?

It’s time to “Occupy” all of the businesses, politicians and entertainment companies that back SOPA. How much money do you think you will get, when people buy NONE of your product assholes!?!

Don't say that The Pres has a huge ego, when your choices are betcha 10k Romney and my wife is sick gotta get a new one Gingrich.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

"Whoa, WHEN are WE getting OUR credit for this holiday?"
- Pagans

UFC 140....YES!  140TH GOP Debate?.....NO.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Compassion is NOT a BAD thing. Rugged individualism and Societal responsibility are only mutually exclusive to Ideologs without depth.

Newt Gingrich Doubles Down, Says We Should Replace Janitors With Five Year Olds (Then who's going to drive me to gigs? This guy is just irresponsible!)

Trump says that Obama shouldn't get credit for killing Osama Bin Laden in a weak attempt to "out stupid" Rick Perry. Nope, please try again.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

"AppeEEEEEasement.... AppeEEEEEasement.... AppeEEEEEasement.... "
-Mitt Romney learns a NEW word and uses it inaccurately.

Familiar with Flo from PROGRESSIVE? How can I put this? I was pantless, she just left, I have FREE FULL COVERAGE FOR LIFE. That is all.

We're STILL talking about Alec Baldwin's flight? That must mean that World hunger, Income inequality and Healthcare problems are OVER! YAY!

I'm only 17 points behind Romney in Iowa. And yes BOTH black people voted for had NOTHING to do with race!

To the people that smirk as the voting rights of minorities and the poor are taken away, I have one question. You don't think that they'll stop with THEM do you? Yeah, you're next. ENJOY!

Dear Newt, we get it, you're racist. You can shut up now.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Rick Santorum. Hahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahaha. Sorry, saying your name with a straight face is impossible now.

I'm hosting the last debate. My only question? ARE YOU PEOPLE FUCKING NUTS!?!

We all know that Rick Perry is a bigoted numskull, right? Oh, trolls...blow me. (Just wanted to put that out there.)

Dear people who initiate online conversations with attacks, epithets, and tough language... What is your endgame? Do you really think that a person you've never met is likely to be moved to YOUR ideology via your childish behavior? Do you not know that saying "Hello" while quaint, is important? Also important, respect. Try it sometime. You may be surprised at the amount of learning that can be done. ADULTS do that. TROLLS do not. (FYI, venting online is DIFFERENT than being RUDE in conversation) Chose which you want to be. If you choice is "TROLL"...move on. I have no time for you. I'm an ADULT. Thanks.

I just kicked Alec Baldwin's ass for playing Sudoku in an elevator. GANGSTA!

Ironic that Bill O'Reilly referenced Soul Train, he doesn't have one and wouldn't be caught dead on the other. Also he's an a-hole.

"Food Stamp President" Newt? That's interesting coming from a "Maury Guest GOP CANDIDATE"

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

(New definition)  Coprophagia: Noun
Watching Fox (News?) in a non-ironic way

Prostitution IS legal in two places that I know of, Nevada....and The House of Representatives

Also, just to let everyone know, I don't respond to trolls. So save the name calling, epithets and insults for one who is not above them.

"Oh yeah? YOU try to fail on such a massive scale! You can't can you? Loser!" - A guy who doesn't know how arguments work

Not to judge people by their looks, but Scott Walker looks like that little worm-like guy in school who screwed with people because he could.

Those of you following me because of how cute I look in my avi, please do it on twitter only...and get off of my fucking lawn. tape.... huh? Don't act like you wouldn't buy it.

I just became the front runner in the GOP. These people will vote for ANYBODY!

Monday, December 5, 2011

I'm going to start a movement to make adult diapers cool. Yeah, I'm THAT good.

I don't brush my teeth counterclockwise, I brush them eyes hurt.

Women...your ass + stretch marks = me seeing your nude ass = me very happy = you even happier. Now...enough talking....

"Dear flies, you will stick to fly paper and die. Don't do that, we want to eat you." - Bigger insects

Okay Newt, I get it. Your campaign is just a live, real world version of "The Producers". Well played Andy Kaufman 2.0, well played...

S. Anthony says... (Facial expression flashback)

Something weird happened to me just now. I was in the corner store and saw something that really brought back an interesting moment of decision from my teen years. Let me explain. I started doing standup comedy when I was 17 years old. At that age, no matter the profession, you are impressionable.

I wanted to fit in with the other comics, most of whom where 10-20 years older that I was. Being adults, they used adult material and language. I never cursed in my real life...but to fit in I began to do so in my shows. One of the other things done was "crowd work". That's when a comic engages in a conversation with audience members (usually just a device to smoothly lead into previously prepared material). Some comics, and I am one, use "crowd work" to ad-lib and keep the show fresh for myself as well as the audience. Another aspect of "crowd work" is making fun of the crowd. Sometimes a comic will ridicule an audience member (not caring if that person is embarrassed) just to get laughs from others.

This brings me to the flashback that I had. I was in the store and one of the employees "playfully" teased a regular customer about his weight. He laughed...but I could see the micro-expression on his face that told me that the "teasing" hurt him a little. I've seen that face before. I saw it from stage as a 17 year old. I was doing a sold out show in New Jersey and the set was going great. I began to do "crowd work", as I spoke to a man in the audience I began talking about something that hit a little too close to home with this man. He laughed...but I could tell that I had accidently hurt this man's feelings.

I was able to get out of the situation and after the show he hugged me. I didn't know it, but he was aware of my choice to back off and move on. He explained why he was glad that I had moved off of the subject, and after he told me why, I was also glad that I had. I won't betray his confidence even after all of these years, but I had come close to really hurting this guy's feelings inadvertently. It was at that moment that I decided that I would not allow my comedy to hurt people. I still remember the look on that man's face.... I saw it again in the store today. The message? Words can hurt, and heal. It's our choice. I have made my choice.

P.S. (None of that applies to lying politicians, fuck them.)

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Headline: TIGER’S BACK: First Win In Two Years
My response: Uh oh, he’s fucking strippers again…

"Nothing tastes better than a warm glass of "MILF"..."
- Newt Gingrich going after Herman Cain supporters

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I’m trying to be a “good boy” and wait until I’m in my next relationship BEFORE I do any more “power banging“….but….

Have YOU ever just wanted to tie someone to your headboard and lick their moist places until the calendar changes?

Asking for no reason…

Friday, December 2, 2011

When one uses inaccuracies to rant on a popular movement to boost a podcast, you're NOT pimping the system, you're a broken system's WHORE.

With Herman Cain out of the cheating business, SOMEONE has to service all of those MILFS with bad taste. HERE I COME LADIES!!!

“Wait, THOSE guys (Cain, Gingrich) get to STAY in the race!?! W…T…F!?!”  — John Edwards

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Project “Do what it takes to REGULARLY FILL places THIS size”….

…begins… NOW!

Michelle Obama sent an email saying that she wanted to meet me. Michelle...NO, IT can NEVER be! Huh? It was MASS email? I knew that...

Chris Christie, rapidly achieving his goal of being a bigger disingenuous troll than Rudy Giuliani. (Not a fat joke, I don't do those)

Cash Strapped.....A NEW sex game. (FYI, my company has discontinued COIN STRAPPED. Too many injuries)