I'm trying to get "Hot Woman Armpit sniffing" into the Olympics.

Yeah, nothing is going to happen to you. Just keep walking around this bad neighborhood with that ipad in your hands...

Don't call your testicles "Baby baskets" on a first date.

If you DON'T dip your chocolate chip cookies in milk....I can't trust you. You're like the dealer that won't smoke weed...NARC!!!!!!!

Until you get out of the barrel, you don't realize that you used to be a crab. Speaking of crabs, did your sister get hers taken care of?

I defeat my enemies when I make them friends - The Dalai Lama
Crush the bastards! They shouldn't have screwed with me! - The S. Anthony

I'm not afraid of the "Friend zone". I usually get to date the friends of the friend...so....friend zone away. YOUR friends will thank YOU.

Google now just told me "Not now!". It changed it's mind when I started to hold it close to the "Old cellphone box".

I run THIS!

Women taste better when they're happy.

Women like to be licked awake...but not on the bus...or if they don't know you...or if they're riding home from Krav Maga class....

Dear guys STILL selling bootleg DVD's at the barber shop....you don't have a computer at home...do you?

If a person wraps their couch in plastic, pee on it.

I wait until a fly gets caught in a glue trap...then I trash talk it until it dies...
DON'T...FUCK...WITH...ME!

Obama...blamed for Katrina....no, not delusional or racist at all. Nope. C'mon, people, melanin isn't scary...c'mon, touch it. See?

"Ben Affleck as Batman? Bwahahahahahahahahaha!"
- Spider-man

You STILL watch DVD's? What are you 100?
- Teen about to get beaten up by an adult

Yeah, dude you DO look cooler pushing the baby stroller by one handle only. Hey, why don't you put on sunglasses too? Yeah...cool.

Ladies, you're not the only ones that like booty rubs.

I'm pissed off at the people that make bullet proof stuff necessary.

It doesn't matter how many "Friends" you have, what matters is that at least two of them aren't pieces of shit.

Cable news makes the WWE look like a emmy winning movie of the week.

When a cute woman says "Kiss my ass", I take it literally"...then, they come to me and say it daily, without prompting.

Dear thieves, I hope someone steals your teeth...

Now: Cute

9 months from now:

(After my new workout program) : Yummy

Tyler Perry directed my last relationship I think...

See those "Endless pools" where you swim in the same place, I've had whole relationships like that...including the big hole in the floor.

*slips envelope full of catnip to local cat and points to pigeon that crapped on his car, cat takes envelope and nods menacingly*

We hear you unreasonable lady at the counter trying to start an argument about nothing...we hear you....

In my past life I looked into the future and saw me being cooler than you in THIS life too.

I would pimp slap people but pimps want to be paid for using their slap...and if you don't pay they pimp slap you...

Weird huh?

I don't like Capri Suns because they make you look like a giant vampire drinking from a body bag.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, teach a man and he'll think, "Does this motherf*cker know there is a supermarket right there?"

I drew a bath and now I have an ass covered in paper cuts. Just kidding, the paper cuts were already there. The ink marks are new...

Passionate lovemaking burns hundreds of calories, boning your neighbor's sister burns your car and almost your house. 

Great, NOW I have to add sound to my fake laughs when my grandpa tells lame ass jokes! Thanks Miracle Ear!

"I don't do Windows."

- Everybody in my family that owns a computer

Your kid's ass stinks, no need to smell it. Also, she's 24.

Imagining people's cars exploding in front of you does make traffic jams go by quicker....I'm told...

Monday just touched my ass. I liked it. I'm going to ask for it's phone number...

Grandma's era: Lynchings
Mom's era: Civil rights movement
My era: Barack Obama President
My future kids era: ???

Dear racists, fuck you.

"Marco?"
"Polo!"
"Amerigo?"
"Vespucci!"

*other kids show up*

"Those two are a couple of a-holes!"

When you say, "She's out of your league", you mean she's out of YOURS.
I own my own league fool!
(FYI, I'm already dating HER tee hee)

"FYI, when a criminal smiles in a movie, he's going to go back on the arms deal and shoot you."
- S. Anthony advises movie characters

Dear people still scared at horror movies...
Really? I bet the microwave bell makes you crap your pants too.

Dear NSA, I don't appreciate you cutting into my phone call to ask me if I'm "Hitting it"...I mean if you were so good you'd know that I am!

Guys in movies must really love their wives. I mean, going against the mob? The divorce rate is still over 50%, right? Hmmm?

Anyone who doesn't think that quitting is an option, doesn't know how great it feels to abruptly stop doing something hard or not fun.

I'd like to apologize to my British friend for laughing...but it's just funny hearing a proper British accent curse out a guy in traffic.

Dear every baby ever....what did table tops do to you? Hey, let's stop the violence...okay?

As I watch these UFC fights, I think of all of the boring ass conversations this week that I wish I could have "Tapped out" of...

Citizens should be able to filibuster congressional vacations.

There are people right now wearing fake hair that don't know some of it is ball hair.

I decide on which music to buy by looking at wacky outfits on awards shows. So yeah, they need to do that.

I had to click on "Do you want to delete this account?" on my last relationship...I didn't want my "Computer" to catch a virus...

I don't do drugs or drink. What I'm addicted to is hearing hot women screaming "Oh yeah, just like that big man!

Then my neighbors moved.

Dear women who have let me in them...YOU ARE AWESOME. Dear women who haven't...you COULD BE awesome too!

Fred Sanford was a piece of shit father. But who cares, that shit is funny!

Whenever more than 3 relatives are at my house, I sing the closing theme from Good Times when they leave.

Someone...anyone, please create salads that taste like chocolate chip cookies and cheeseburgers. C'mon Monsanto, you want GOOD press, right?

To the people who are mad that Blair Underwood is the new Ironside...
You're going to hate my new single with Taylor Swift "Deep Chocolate"

There's a time in a man's life when he must sit back and reflect on the women he could have gotten it on with if he didn't say dumb crap...

Dear people who hold up racist signs... it's not working.

When you fly below the radar, it's best not to scream "Down here ya bastards!"

Future Presidents will be brown, black, female etc. So, jackasses who spread hate, I say from everyone else, bye bye AND fuck you.

There's no REAL difference between loaning money to a friend that always pays you back a little late and a savings account...except, the bank gives you no interest....and you have no interest in hearing your friend's bullcrap excuse for being late.

I just told Oprah that she couldn't afford me.

She totally could though.

Uh, Oprah...I'm for sale....

You wish people would leave you alone? Your wish blows.
Dig THIS, I wish I was celebrating my billions with my pregnant wife Kelly Rowland

If Schrödinger's cat talked to S. Anthony's cousin's cat, it would bite you before you could get it into the box.

Thought experiment over.

Just watched half an episode of According to Jim and...
STOP MOCKING ME! I said HALF! Hey, the sisters are hot! DON'T JUDGE ME!

Those roaches are dropping like flies!

"Whoa, don't lump us in with those losers! They don't have HALF of OUR talent! We FLY!"

- Flies

People get suspicious if after your pants split, you say "Finally!" and point to your man stuff smiling. I'm told...by OTHER people...

Sometimes, as a man, I just want to be held. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Sorry, I tried.

"Ironic huh?"

- Cannibal eating a vegan

If women's boobs, buttcheeks, armpits and legs had calories, I'd be 700 pounds. Not to mention the other stuff... tee hee. I'm naughty.

"You can pay $5 or $10 for.."
*guy pulls gun*
"How about free?"
"I'm just making a point about cell service"
"I'm making one about crime"

Paper covers rock.
Rock smashes scissors.
Scissors cuts paper.

I slap the shit out of adults that use this game to make decisions.

I wish there was something like windshield wipers for people. Sometimes I want to push a button and just sweep people away from me.

Breaking! Conservatives boycott Ebony magazine.

"Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"
 - Ebony Magazine

Powerball winner comes forward.

If I won, people wouldn't know a thing about it. I'd deny deny deny.

"No, I just found this golden car..."

Apple butter was invented by the devil. Yo, I was kidding. Jeez, my Amish friends are so freaking sensitive.

"Wow, what a bigoted, xenophobic asshole!"
-Archie Bunker hears Rush Limbaugh for the first time

Dear women who still get it on with you when they're mad at you....

...you...are...AWESOME!

Dear makeup commercials, stop making women look like fucking robots.

Thanks,

Dudes.

Okay, let's do a drinking game! Every time a TV show that blows comes on...drink!

*3hrs go by*

So, it seems that everyone here is dead

Pee in the pool? No.
Pee on people who are about to get into the pool? Yes.

Waterpiks® will mess up your afro. Don't let the name fool you.

Please end your long boring story BEFORE earth's sun burns out.

"Price check on Viagra!" 
- Teller

*grabs mic from teller*

"That's right, I'm STILL getting some action people!"
- Me when I get old 

I don't approve of seeking the approval of people that don't approve of you.

I have figured out how to shoot spray cheese into my mouth in the supermarket, still look heterosexual and avoid arrest. I am a Genius!

I did not fake my landing on your sister's moon.

Personal responsibility people! Personal responsibility! There has got to be a way to avoid that shit!

I'm selling armpit stains to people who want to fake working out.

Once you go black, you never go back... until the older relatives croak, then it's cool.

Dear politicians, I could never be one of you. Why? I'm honest and I bang women instead of sending pictures of my junk to them. That's why.

Dear idiots, jokes aren't to be taken LITERALLY. Racists, you DON'T have to comment on people's posts. Go home & yell epithets at the mirror

If you need two friends to help you whip ass...you need YOUR punk ass whipped.

Just saw a blind guy ALMOST pee on another guy's ass at a urinal. Almost. If it had happened...

That would have made my life.

Now that Bezos has purchased the Washington Post, it takes 7 hours to log into my Amazon account. So many fucking questions!

I don't care what Russell Brand said, I would have nothing bad to say about having sex with Katy Perry.

Just putting that out there Katy. I would say good things. Good things...

The world is a dark place, people only care about themselves & love is just a chemical process.

Goodnight kids, there's school tomorrow.

DON'T expect anything from anyone.

There, I just made your life easier and better.

You're welcome...

Kiss the cook... between the butt cheeks

- Original and low selling early version of the popular barbeque apron slogan

I just switched THEN baited.

It doesn't work THAT way...

I read your life story to a cow because I was told cows taste better if they are bored to death.

Cut off MY ear to impress a woman? No. I did however make a wonderful desk gnome out of ear wax for a lady.

...yeah, got the drawers.

She was on the phone laughing with friends...you came home with lipstick on your cheek...she saw it...

...climate change.

*sees kid in baby stroller*

"Damn, you need to screw better looking people! Look at that ugly little..."

*wakes up in ER*

The NSA just broke into my phone call and screamed ."Get to the point already!" To be fair, that guy was rambling a bit

Stop airbrushing women's bodies. We know what they really look like and we like that. We have sex with them you know...

I could never be as big a loser and d-bag as the husbands on any sitcom.

*5 years and a wife later*

These TV husbands aren't that bad...

I just realized that 99.5% of my tweets could get my door knocked down by the NSA. Not because they're evil, they just want to meet a genius

"If you ponder the meaning of life, an unanswerable question, you waste time better spent getting rich, laid and even."

- S. Anthony Thomas

The 13th step is smoking weed rolled up in a nicotine patch.

No matter how angry I get, I NEVER use racial slurs. I will however say disgusting things about your tramp mother and punk ass dad.

Wait until Snowden realizes that Putin is going to want him to be his personal "take pictures of me with my shirt off" photographer.

The people that design laptop speakers must have some super sensitive ears.

Ladies, random "junk" grabs = guy who's always in a good mood.

You can practice on me.

Please...

Seriously...

If you love someone, set them free & replace them with someone you love more. If they come back, convince them to join in. If they do, YAY!!

Dear mirrors that make people look bad, enjoy this rapidly advancing hammer..

Stop saying “The N word came out so easily" He speaks english. Of course it came out easy. No one goes “Nig. Nig. Let me try again, this is hard you guys!"