I grew up poor, then middle class. If my career takes off like I think it will, I'm talking so much shit about you people on secret videos.

Don't ever ask Mitt Romney "Heads or Tails". That coin flip discussion will take FOREVER!

I just got the new iphone 6, it has a new app that makes the phone laugh at you when the next version is about to come out.

The Romney campaign has just found a tape of ME from 18 years ago saying "I'll bet Mitt will STILL be a lying douche 18 years from now!"

I poured a little coffee into my Frosted Flakes, milk and fruit cocktail and my cousin looked at me like she walked in on me during a murder

Forget Mitt's 47%, S. Anthony would like to bang 50% of the population. And THAT you can DEPEND on

I’ll take your sister for 90 minutes Alex!