NEVER make a long car trip with an aggressive contrarian! Every song on the radio sucks etc. We did agree however that I WAS choking him.

I just realized that I am merely the least f*cked up of all of my friends. Well, gotta go. Hooker's asses don't whip cream themselves! #wink

One of the sanitation workers is a super hot lady! Not hot for a sanitation worker, model hot! What's wrong with her? #politicallyincorrect

The guy at the fruit truck tried to sell me brown bananas. I said "I already have one" He didn't get the joke until I was driving away...

Is that the porn actress from the film at your bachelor party working in the drive thru? NOW, I feel guilty for watching free web porn!

I wonder what the cable news "funhouse eardrums" actually hear when the POTUS speaks...

FYI...shemale is NOT mail made specifically for women. Be careful when ordering a gift online for your grandmother.

In the 5 or 6 decades that I have left on the planet...I would love to see a president flip out in an oval office speech. "F*ck fox!" etc.

Oh god, my nephew wants to have a "sex" talk. I'll just tell him what my uncles told me, "Never pay MORE than $50" ( Adjusted 4 inflation)

Can we please acknowledge that these extremist politicians are f*cking nuts, throw them out & ban them from public service? Enough already!

Bruce Lee's martial art philosophy was "Absorb what is useful, disregard what is useless" I personally think that this is a good philosophy for life as well.

...it's like riding a bike, your groin hurts, you get scraped up and you wake up in the gutter. #sexwith(nameremovedforlegalreasons)

5 smoking hot women hit on me today! I was going to post a joke but screw that! I'm not even back in shape yet! TAKE THAT CHEATING EX!

Yeah, yeah, yeah...you get mad at me because you always have a hoarse voice, but you NEVER complain about what I do to you to make it hoarse!

I don't just take one bite of a hoagie, one sip of a soda, leave 10 minutes into a movie or do quickies. #TheS.AnthonyRules

When you make the decision to cut loose family members...it's supposed to feel BAD, right?

Breaking News! Glenn Beck joins the Nation of Islam, becomes Glenn X, then stands in a mirror yelling disgusting religious slurs at himself.

Breaking News! Glenn Beck holds rally outside of Neverland Ranch and claims mantle "King of pop" angering Michael Jackson fans, film @ 11!

I got thrown out of a bowling tournament for wearing my belt too close to my navel.

People of color. Notice, the word "people" comes first and "color" comes last. When people understand that, THEN honor will be restored.

Was that an earthquake or was it everyone that attended the original MLK speech (that has since died) spinning in their graves today?

Stalking is such an ugly word. An even uglier one? Chloroform. I'll untie you after I finish emailing these pictures to myself...

Forget the push button start, how about having the engine start as soon as my ass hits the seat! Duh! I'm not reading, it's not the bathroom!

I'm now celebrating 10 years of "Friend Zone" avoidance. When offered free tickets to that show...I'm busy.

I'm considering switching to a vegetarian diet next year. Don't worry, ladies, your erogenous zones are considered fruit. (Melons etc.)

I saw a lady complaining that her husband never takes her anywhere...she was wearing an ankle monitor! Somehow I think he gets a pass lady.

Message to the ladies, when I tell you how good you taste, I'm NOT just saying it to get into your pants. That's what the $50 was for.

Yay politics! 50-60 yr olds with the maturity of 8 yr olds fighting like 13 yr olds in front of people with the attention span of 2yr olds.

A woman just caressed my butt on the subway. I see why you ladies like that so much...MY WALLET! Just kidding. My ass is just delicious.

Shoplifters...EVERY STORE HAS CAMERAS MORONS! Try being like everyone else in society, you know, only be an ass by ACCIDENT or when drunk!

Please don't autotune anything else EVER. I'll just use Syrup of Ipecac. Thanks.  

Watching politics right now is like watching a revival... "Spanish Inquisition Live!" (Touring Company)

Where I'm from "Cutting in line" means something completely different...you've been warned. *Person goes back to previous spot* Good Call...

My mother used to think that she failed me by not forcing me to go to church...but she raised a critical thinker...I say you still win mom.

If a lady tells you that she wants to be friends, accept it or say goodbye. I'm too nice to KEEP laughing at you...

It's amazing how much smarter you get with age. I mean, I DID NOT touch that hot oven. Okay, I'll stop bragging now. 

Take heart parents of America...between politics & reality shows, if your kid is an idiot...you can't count him/her out yet!

"Hey Sharon, get in YOUR chair...I should let you take your own blood. You've been here enough!" *crumples phone number* Not calling her...

Personal style = Good looking young person in crappy clothes.
Me = Jealous of those bastards!

I'm beyond curling a woman's toes...when I'm done, their toes are in stopper knots...yup. 

*throws coin in wishing well...closes eyes....looks...* Nope, I still don't know where my pants are...

Not to be a prude or anything...but I can't get into movies with rape scenes. It's a deal breaker for me...

You parked your convertible outside of a bar? Really? And you're surprised at what happened? Get the Tiger out of the backseat yourself!

Ladies, when you tell a guy to "kiss your butt"...you'd better say "no tongue". In a related story, this lady is no longer mad at me...

I'm currently thinking of horrible things to wish on my worst enemy, so when I get one I'll be ready...and I WILL BE READY *evil laugh*

This lady asked me if I'd like a lap dance. I said "Lady, are you nuts!?! Why ELSE would I be sitting here bottomless holding money!?!"

You can't beat their prices, but you can beat your kids in the parking lot...

I used to be annoyed with the super hyper weathermen until I saw the ones with NO personality...so I say guys, keep douche bagging it up!

Before you jump on a bandwagon, make sure the band doesn't suck...enjoy your trip to DC...HOME OF THE SCARY BLACK PEOPLE. Dumb-asses.

I'm wondering when the CDC will announce a vaccine for oblivious moron syndrome...

Do drama queens have any idea just how soul and energy draining they are? I'm somewhere between saying STFU & driving off of a cliff...

Hi outcasts, My name is S. Anthony. I was wondering if I could join you? Entrance exam? WTF!?! My how things have changed.

The Old Man and the Apple...

You are not a number. Always remember that. If you allow yourself to be reduced to a number, people and corporations can and will do what they want to you. A relative of mine purchased a used computer recently. He's an older relative and a proud man, so it took me a while to get him to use the computer. He was a little afraid of the technology and ashamed to admit as such, so you know getting him on the web was a real treat. I finally convinced him.

Soon after getting on the web something strange happened, he loved it. His proficiency dramatically increased and he was proud of himself. Then it happened. Microsoft informed him via an icon about 4 inches long on the bottom of his screen that "You may be a victim of software counterfeiting" What he didn't know was that it would be permanent. What he also did not know was that they would take away his backdrop every hour, change it to all black and harass him upon log on. Now, he was not about to have his buddies come over and see what he had learned.

I understand the need to protect your intellectual property. I'm a comedian and writer, believe me I understand, but morally you should NOT change a person's property. You changed HIS computer Microsoft. HIS computer. What you did was the equivalent of following a person out of a consignment store yelling "Counterfeit pants!" ALL DAY...EVERYDAY, or standing by his refrigerator saying "Before you get that soda, would you like to buy the real designers pants? You can get your drink in...5...4...3...2...1..."

I want it to be clear, I think that EVERYONE has the right to protect their intellectual property...but there's better ways to do it. He won't use that computer again. EVER. He will however use another computer...that he purchased from APPLE.  

I hope that there isn't reincarnation because I hate to even see the same movie twice...but, if they recast a few people...well...

Coming soon...freedom.

I can't avoid the scary black people like the TB rally people suggest, I'd never see my family...wait...that's supposed to be bad, right?

I'm going to the doctor's office to have the magnet removed. Which one? The one that attracts obnoxious 20somethings with aggressive kids.

HS reunion. No thanks ladies, couldn't screw you then, don't want to now. And fellas, I'm not interested in "My wife sucks" stories. Thanks.

You CANNOT be cool buying ex-lax. Also, nobody believes it's NOT for YOU, ever. Next time, my uncle had better just eat some raw chicken...

Burning religious texts...really? I hope the Phoenix that rises from those ashes is universal awareness and intolerance of your idiocy.

My mom JUST told me it's okay to talk to strangers. I can't wait until we have that talk about....when I DO IT for the first time! *giggles*

I'm giving myself a dose of rohypnol to forget the events of TODAY...

Ratio time! XY Canis Majoris is to the moon what a Neutrino is to the the amount that I give a f*ck about today. It's been one of those.

Asshole (friend or relative) had food delivered to my house for a week and didn't tip. I wonder how much feces I have been eating...

You know those people that do EVERYTHING effortlessly? They're annoying and apparently avoiding my car ISN'T one of those things...

My neighbor's cat walks across the street VERY SLOWLY. He's not afraid of cars...YET. He should learn from the neighbor's kids.

I was having sex on a park bench...but we're in a rain delay. *Roll highlights of the last time that I had sex on this bench...now!*

I love that moment when the handcuffed, blindfolded lady you're dating gets so excited that her nipple pops through the whipped cream. TMI?

Pre-season football. Yeah! Bread sticks and water for everybody! On me!

Have you ever hated someone, learned more about them, feel bad for hating them, learn even more and realize you were right to hate them?

Don't you love listening to married couple's "Let's fight over minutia because we're afraid of or not aware of our real issues" fights?

You CAN love someone and need to be far, far away from them. Just letting you know.

It's official. I cannot make cars explode and burst into flames with my mind. If I could...the streets would be almost empty right now...

Just watched a 20something mom tell a stranger to "Watch your f*ckin' mouth around my muthaf*ckin' daughter!" Yeah, good times...

Working from home means WORKING! It does NOT mean call me to complain about family matters for 45 minutes. Watch ANOTHER show damn it...

Jon Voight, Pat Boone....you are both nuts. Stop being afraid of black people. WE WON'T hurt YOU...too bad you don't feel the same way.

I don't like myself right now. 5,4,3,2,1...Okay, I'm back. Every year for 5 seconds I don't like myself. Sorry you had to see that. I ROCK!!

I call magnum condoms Snuggies®. (Don't get too excited ladies, he calls all products made of latex Snuggies®)

The downside to becoming famous at some point, is the things old girlfriends will say that I enjoyed doing to them. Oh, I'm on twitter...

I'm no longer bitter about cheating ex. Think about it, as low maintenance as I am, if she can screw it up with me...she's really an ass!

Special message to women who poke holes in condoms thinking that a baby will make "Him" stay. Do you see ANY guys pushing strollers? Thanks.

I just stopped two kids from beating the hell out of each other, because one did the "Eenie Meanie" song with the accent on the words and one did it with the accent on the syllables. Aren't MOST fights over something equally stupid? Even the ones that include people blowing shit up and shooting one another? Just a thought.

Someone stole the screen door off of my grandparents house. Having this door is worth possibly being used as a prison testicle caddy dude?

Rude checkout lady didn't even look at me when giving me change...rude. So when I fantasize about her as I sleep tonight...we're doing anal.

A married lady kept flirting with me to make her husband jealous. I was worried that there would be trouble but he saw my look of disgust.

My self help book "Shut up, nobody wants to hear you whine like a punk!" wasn't as big a hit as I thought it would be...

I think bow legged women are god's version of loosening the soda cap.

I'm going to make you laugh so hard that I'll one day be a bigger star than xy canis majoris! Oh lord, I'm nerding it up again!

I just had smoke blown up my ass by some business associates...and a new fetish is born. Don't judge me!!

I just installed heel rests on my butt cheeks...yes ladies...I care...

Did you know that you hear a bell when you fill your woman all the way up? Oh, you didn't? Well, you're at least rich, right? No? Awkward...

Can we just rename reality shows "At least I'm not THOSE assholes" tv?

Beautiful lunch truck lady had her 13yr old daughter working with her, they could be twins! I know the dad...teen boys are going to die...

The blue pill tastes like crap so you spit it out and take the red pill anyway. Slick bastards! I want to go back to wanting nothing!

...they knew that the new building owner was an anti-smoking activist when they saw the smoking area was under the pee out the window area.

Guy followed too close, honked like an idiot and passed me not knowing I was trying to avoid the ditch, that he hit...hard. Hahaha Loser.

Hey carjackers, wanna be of service for once? Just carjack drunk drivers...why? Because f*ck them that's why.

Let's stop identity theft by making those caught for it HAVE TO BE the cell block prison slut.

I'm not a dirty talk guy. I'm a show up and thrust you endlessly type of guy. Sorry. Leave the money on the dresser. Wait, what?

I will invent something that feels as good as being deep inside a beautiful lady or seem awake but actually be asleep through chick flicks...

Hey, what's this in the back of my closet? Oh, a Native American, a record store, real breasts and a non bullshit cable news anchor. Cool!

I wonder what the "Crazy" uncles in the Limbaugh and Beck families say...

Damn it! I just thought of a part of the body that I didn't lick on my old girlfriends! Gotta make some calls. Trust me they'll answer...

Schadenfreude is too clinical...but "Yeah, that's what you get you dirty mothaf*cker" is a little too long...I must think of alternatives.

C'mon Southwest, I'm all for low fares...but this B.Y.O.G. (bring your own gas) promotion IS NOT a good idea!

Message to street corner drug dealers, WHEN drugs are legal, they WILL be sold at WalMart and you WILL HAVE to get a real job. HAHAHAHA!

I'm heading over to the Smithsonian to look at the happy family and the functional relationship.

Have you ever seen a woman so beautiful, that the vision of her automatically causes you to develop 20 new fetishes?

You know that nerd that you humiliated in high school & college? He's a billionaire now. Nice call meagan. Husband still nailing your sis?

Gatorade...now! Milking machines...just don't guys. Just don't. They ARE NOT like vacuum machines...tell your sons...blacking out...

It's all just a game. You knew that, right? King me...

When giving change, lingering over the tip jar IS NOT a good idea. Tips are earned. I will not subsidize sloppy service unless we're dating.

Driving people in my family around makes me think that chauffeurs don't make enough mon....grandma! Put your top on & close the sunroof! 

There is so much info on social networking sites that stalkers are using their amazing skill of evasion to avoid getting TMI....

The guy walking behind my house...well let me just say, the only thing missing are the words "Wes Craven Presents..." above his head.

Have you ever been around people so draining to you that being near them makes you feel like your skin is lead? HAPPY MONDAY EVERYBODY!

You have to hand it to the guests on cable news. I have never seen people work so hard to keep the words "Not" and "Crazy" so far apart...

Great choice in the U.S. You can either be with a bunch of spineless pussies or racist xenophobes. Hi...I'm S.Anthony, independent voter.

Breaking News!!! The secret hidden ending of the Statue of Liberty poem is ..."just kidding, keep those motherf*kers out!" Film @ 6 & 11...

Sometimes I wish that I was much, much less intelligent, and a bigot...there is soooo much money to be made on/in cable/radio...

Don't wink at me as you curse your boyfriend out on your cellphone! Do you really think this behavior is a SUCCESSFUL commercial for you?

If I knew then what I know now....I would have put soooo much money on "Have a black president?" in vegas... 

Spray deodorant may stop the smell, but it doesn't stop you from looking like a dirty pig Mr Too Lazy to Shower. High 5, no. Wave, yes.

Man's anthropomorphism is endless...at least women would say so, judging by what they assume that we think with. (FYI, it only gives notes)

I'm undefeated in arguments with girlfriends after about 90 minutes of cunnilingus. Wait a minute....

Pretending to make a right turn just so you can abruptly cut in front of a line of traffic, is the new "my genitals are small & don't work"

I get ready for dates by licking my way through bricks.

...so, when hot women wear belly shirts, that's NOT a secret signal telling you to lick their navel rim? That explains a few things...

I make people wait until the candles burn all of the way down on THEIR birthday cake instead of blowing them out. Yeah, I'm the man...

I was so hoping that the suspicious looking guy was going to rob the 7-11 I was in so I didn't have to pay for this overpriced everything.

Homeless guy outside of the 7-11 asked for $1.35. Not $1.00. $1.35. Even the homeless are more expensive at those places! Damn!

I used to make my ex's toes curl so hard and so often that she walked with a limp. It was that or the bike accident...nah...it was my lovin'

S. Anthony is the ultimate man, all the hot women on twitter should bang him regularly. This is his ex and not just him trying to get laid.

Saw a woman at the post office that was so perfect that I hate her parents for not making more like her.

8 out the last 10 women that I was "with" loved having whipped cream on their bottoms...the other 2 got off the bus...but they both called.

God...this warm moist opening, I can't get enough of it. Hey sickos. I'm at a bakery. I having sex with this lady at a bakery...

Yeah, that WAS Michael Bublé on the radio in my car...AND!?!

I can't wait to have kids so I can abandon them, run off to India & find myself. I wonder what my movie would be called? "Deadbeat bastard"

The half term hand artist slams Obama over (Insert anything he does here). Save me some time and tell me when she shuts the heck up...

I would donate my hair to locks of love, but as a black guy...well, the hair would be labeled "some assembly required" 

Just saw a Prius with a Bush-Cheney bumper sticker, wrapped around a pole....accident or did the car commit suicide?...

So, you thought that your girlfriend, the 20yr old stripper was going to be faithful? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

I believe in Kaizen...constant SELF improvement. Put the tools down. I'm ALREADY assembled. Unwrap me...and ride. 

Oh crap, I'm starting to feel like I want to go and get a new girlfriend. I hope the next one isn't crazy....I mean isn't crazy OUT of bed.

I wish that there was an "after relationship pill"...

If you go home with a woman and she has 20 cats...you WILL get laid...but you will not get OUT and if you don't see any cat food, you're it.

When you caress a woman's ass you must have your tongue on her earlobe. It works on strangers too! If you get arrested, YOU missed the spot.

Photo: Ah…me in my 20’s when I actually gave a crap about the opinion of others. Those WERE the days…. http://tumblr.com/xjmfkugyv

Video: I’m dedicating this Michael Bublé song “Haven’t met you yet” to all the politicians who AREN’T full of shit... http://tumblr.com/xjmfkv876

If you drive angrily towards an obnoxious bike rider, he crashes, but you DIDN'T hit him...that's HIS fault right? I was with you today ok?

I know the guy behind the counter at the drug store wanted to laugh when I bought the sunscreen...I can't prove it...but I know... (true)

A special message to teen boys. If you call a house with a teen girl in it and SHE didn't answer, she's not there or doesn't like you! OK!?!

I going to start a "Hate people who are trying to help you" seminar. One commercial on cable news...and I'm gonna be rich beeyatch!!!!!

When these cable news people look into the camera and say "You are a racist" they're probably talking to THEIR reflection in the lens...

Was gonna use the restroom at the gas station but chose a cleaner place. A dumpster. Sorry teens having sex, pick a better spot next time.

Since we can't stop stalkers, license them, we need quality control. You have to be disease free, hot and under 30. Just a thought....

You can tell that people think that the male star of an action show is hot if there are hair shampoo commercials during the show...

Road rage doesn't necessarily have to be caused by actions OUTSIDE the car...if you want proof, drive my family around.

Well, I'm off to the store...let's hope, like yesterday, that I'm the only one NOT paying with a check.

Damn you Google! Now hookers with big breasts are charging more! Pimps have started a tiered service too. Said a friend, who is not me...

The only ones happy about my stalker being gone are the squirrels. Now THEY eat the food that I leave on the ladder by my bedroom window.

Rand Paul & Ben Quayle...proof that the strongest sperm cell DOES NOT mean the strongest mind.

Well...it's time for me to get some Chinese food, then work off only one third of the calories. No...YOU are missing the point of a workout!

So, you woke up alone in a room locked from the inside with saliva on your genitals and a sore neck and back? Those weren't aspirin that you took bro.

Hypocrisy and Zero tolerance have been married for a while...have you met their children? They live and work in Washington DC...

What are all of these congresspeople doing in the hallway to MY bathroom? It's a pay toilet now? Hey! A courtesy flush is NOT wasteful!

Hmm, I see a pattern...smart people get information from MANY sources, THEN form THEIR OWN opinions...cable news viewers, take note of that.

DADT shouldn't apply to the military. It should however, apply to marital booty eating. Keep that to yourself grandpa.

Thanks politicians for doing things on a daily basis to make it more socially acceptable to use your job title as a pejorative remark.

I'm currently working on a subtle facial expression that is the equivalent of telling you to go f*ck yourself...but not get punched out.

Stopped at a corner Chinese food store in my old hood. Two guys were teasing each other about who's gun was newest...and I'm having Italian.

I'm hoping that soon, there will be no stigma attached to young people wearing adult diapers. NEVER MIND WHY!!! JUST GO ALONG DAMN IT!!

Guys do not refer to your genitals as the manufacturing, warehousing and distribution center or hers as the end user. Sooo NOT hot.

I want to get Monday hired as Naomi Campbell's assistant so she can kick it's ass and throw a phone at it.

"Asshat" isn't an insult if the ass is on Serena Williams. I would love to have her ass on my head...daily...nightly...constantly...

Monday morning is the school bully waiting for you at 3PM making the fist to the eye gesture at you...

Me: F*ck you!

My Life: No, f*ck you!

My life: Did you just write 10 great new minutes for your show?

Me: Yup!

My Life: Damn! Well played.

"Punishing Heat" would sooooo be my porno name. Light sprinkles...not so much.

I'm hoping to be a perpetual schadenfreude tease.

"When are we going to stop slamming Monday? Odds are, if Monday sucks, your life sucks too!" - (Closing argument from Monday's Lawyer)

I'm a relationship guy, not a one night stand guy. You get tired of the shocked look when your disgusting fetishes are put on the table.

Special note to people who really have nothing to say. Silence is OK. If you begin with "Sooo...", "Weeell.." or "Heeey..." Keep it moving.

"Yeah baby, I'd pomp your circumstance!" It was then that a plastic duck with "d-bag" on it fell from the ceiling and he knew...finally.

Please, someone invent trash cans that take themselves out. (And it would be great if the cans could taser cats and squirrels too.) Thanks.

Why do they keep asking me for military ID at Target? Oh.

Guy thought that I stole my notepad. I asked, "when you sell them, do they come pre-filled with standup comedy material?" Apology accepted.

NOW I understand. Google fought with China because they didn't want China to control the web...that's THEIR job! Oh, now I get it. Assholes.

Hey, teenager running from the police...you do know how this is going to end, right? There's a famous video that will give you a hint...

I hate teases. If a woman teases, the penalty should be 2 oral gratifications. If a guy teases a woman, two lawn mowings / trash removals.

Pre-season football games, the big boobed teases of the football season.

The Expendables is the Ocean's Eleven of ass whipping. (What are the odds that the movie company uses this quote in the commercials?) ;-)

I would wish that a cannibal ate the a-hole that cut me off in traffic...but he'd just come back out as sh*t, which is no change for him.

Just saw in the window my face when seeing a delicious ass. It's like a Zen Buddhist's face...minus the Michael Jackson crotch grab.

$1.39 for a can of tuna and there's NO dolphin in here? You...bastards!

I am casually UNdressed...or as the police put it "Nude black male seen running out of mall..."

I'm not stuffing socks in my pants...IT EATS socks! You heard me right! And just so you know, that was the last one..RUN!! RUN!!!

Damn it! I just thought of a part of the body that I didn't lick on my old girlfriends! Gotta make some calls. Trust me they'll answer...

When will fans of the radio racist, the half term hand artist and Joe McCarthy 2.0 realize that they're being punk'd?

Anyone that times an obnoxiously loud and aggressive horn blast to the green light, should be flown to Singapore and caned on TV. Yup.

Why do hospitals always surround themselves with "No stopping at any time" signs? Should I just throw the sick person out at 40mph!?!

I wouldn't mind if people converted 25% of smoking sections into teens and 20somethings telling their baby's daddy "He ain't shit" sections.

Put mirrors in voting booths. I wonder if some of the people in office would be there if people had to look at themselves in it.

Don't let relatives sleep in your living room for more that a week unless you want a living room that smells like ass. You're welcome.

Don't think net neutrality is important? Imagine being in line behind an old person paying with a check...while I'm in the express line...

C'mon Google! Now we have to pay to *pays 25¢* have fast internet *pays 25¢* service? That bull*pays 25¢*sh*t! You too twit*pays 25¢ter!?!

They voted against gang rape victims, 9/11 healthcare, unemployment benefits etc. I think they're hoping for outrage fatigue.

I'm glad gays can get married. I want to marry Rachel Maddow! I've got a straight guy-gay woman crush on her. Super smart women are hot!

Prop 8.2 : Make it illegal for people to be married to their job. Maybe not, most of our jobs are screwing us so maybe we should get a ring.

I can tell by the conversation of the 20somethings next to me that their relationship is just the beginning of a string of bad choices.

Fruit on the bottom yogurt = Vomit with fruit underneath it. It must be outlawed.

Idiots are physically violent. More evolved people use emotional violence & passive aggressiveness. So, couldn't find a skirt that fit huh?

Is it a bad sign when you throw a quarter into a wishing well....it hits the water, bounces back and hits you in the forehead?

If your lady has given you a baby, do what she says. Don't make her bring out the "Labor pain" card on you. You will NEVER win that one. Once she does, she'll use it everytime and pound you with it. My uncle was 6'2" when he got married. Now he's shorter than I am. Just saying...

To people who take the radio racist, the half term palm artist and Joseph McCarthy 2.0 seriously....c'mon. Is melanin that scary to you?

Wait, the guy charged with helping Al-Qaida is from CHICAGO!?! Come on Rush, Beck, Fox...it doesn't get any easier for you than that!

Why do smart people do things that could possibly land them in jail? Do they have secret "getting stabbed and peeing in public" fetishes?

Hey McCarthy 2.0, the nuts you're riling up may one day not like what YOU say and those chickens WILL press the "Home" button on their GPS.

Prop 8.1 Make it illegal for assholes to use the ballot to assault people that have done nothing to them. 

Now you all know that I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry will be on about 35 times this week... 

I've just successfully finished a triathlon using just my kegel muscles. Jealous? You should be.

I'm good. I just convinced hot twins on the subway that the three angel kisses that I gave them on each butt cheek were accidents. Yup.

You're shoplifting...from the dollar store? Really dude? Look out the window, the homeless guy begging for change is laughing at you...

Drug companies, that pill that reduces periods to 3 times yearly...you'd sell more if you got rid of the "May cause blood clots" part. Dig?

Guys…gals…you do realize that the “Battle of the Sexes” is a falsehood designed to make us fight so that we buy things, right? Lets teach the marketing assholes a lesson, stop fighting and do a whole lot of good old fashioned f*cking! It’s free! It feels good! And it stops their bullcrap manipulation.

Nothing says commitment like kissing your woman in bed before she brushes her teeth. I did mention that I meant on the butt cheeks, right?

To those of you that ask for a person's opinion then interrupt them without listening...there is a reason that you have few friends...

To relatives who live recklessly because I always clean up your mess, I'm about to let your metaphorical "hand touch the stove" Dig?

Uh...to people who still fall for three card monte...how can I put this...are you familiar with the concept of eugenics?