You've been served a restraining order with a side order of I have a gun now.

Just saw a KOCH INDUSTRIES commercial on my TV.
Well, I'm off to target to get a new one. This screen had a hammer through it...

My Kindle just called the local library the "O" word.

Obsolete.

Not so fast. I can't "date" hookers in YOUR bathroom Kindle. Calm down.

I have a ton of white friends and none of them act like the white people in romantic comedies... so I call bullshit on those movies!

Oh no the fuck you didn't!

- Thanksgiving conversation starter

*I see your point.
(*I will never talk to this asshole again)

The simplest explanation is always the one that gets you beaten up.

I want someone to share my ups and downs... and ins and outs... and 

...okay, you figured out I mean sex huh?

YOU'RE NOT SO SMART!

I would beat Usain Bolt by 50 yards in a footrace to yo mama's ass.
*gets beaten up by you while Usain Bolt watches and laughs*

I feel better when I eat vegetables and fruit. But cheese pizza is worth the stomach discomfort so screw that crap.

I don't care... who famous people... are screwing... I don't care... who famous people... are screwing... I don't care...

Okay?

"If you fall off the horse...get right back up there!"
- People who have a "fall off of large animals" fetish

LOL @people who don't know that politicians see them as disposable.

Dollar Stores... you are the best.

*buys brakes, uses them, realizes too late that it's a candy called "brakes", crashes*

I love telling the religious people that come to my door that I'm Buddhist. They haven't come up with a canned retort for that yet.

This water fits into this bottle AND this cup. They're DIFFERENT shapes! How does that happen!?

*gets sidekicked by the ghost of Bruce Lee*

My cousin's cat is here, It's gonna be pissed when it wakes up with my ass in it's face.

Don't. Hit. People.

I tend to gather information and think for myself so...

...no, I don't want to join your cult/ideology etc.  Also, fuck you.

Politicians shouldn't have their salary reduced every time they lie.

They'd SOON understand the poor better...

All bikes are stationary if you get run over by a car.

I saw the guy at the carwash had some money to the birds from the tree above my parking spot. Yeah... now I know the truth.

IT'S ON NOW!!

If I had a time machine, I'd use it to reconnect with all of the REAL friends I've had throughout my life.

Oh, and win the lottery.

Make sure BOTH of your balls are in your selfie. One is already jealous of the other because of the height discrepancy.

I take extra showers just to have an excuse to feel myself up.

Burger King is leaving the country because...well I'm not sure...but that King looks like he did something bad... really bad. Look at him...

I will stop charging hot women money to get it on with me starting in 2015.

I Want to start a trend. Instead of screaming "Oh god!" scream "I've had about enough of you!" just before orgasms. It's funny and true!

As a compassionate human being, be available to help those in need. I am. I saw how much trouble your mom had getting her bra off. I helped.

You're trying too hard, calm down...

SIX bullets? Pussy. 

- 50 Cent learns of the Suge Knight shooting.

So, kids are setting themselves on fire now huh? We used to fuck. We win.

Chris Brown Shot At, Suge Knight Hit At Pre-VMA party.

Rihanna...WHY!?!

Suge Knight GOT SHOT!

I am not writing one joke about that shit.

I'm back baby!

Hey guys, it's me, "The S. man" and I'm moving my podcast and weird things I think up blog back here. Yeah, I'm returning to my original blog home.

Yes... I'm back baby!!!! Get ready!

**********

I would like to be a whore for a corporate sponsor...but they want a long term relationship and I just want some corporate ass. Yeah...

I don't have it in me to hate you because of race, gender, sexuality, religion etc.
I only hate those who won't bang me or give me money.

Ladies, cellulite holds the whipped cream and frosting I spread on your butts in one place, so no need to get rid of it. It works for me.

Okay Google...

*waits a long time*

"WHAT!?!"
- Google

Your mom is like a Toyota Camry, parked in front of my house and occasionally covered in bird shit.

NEW Facebook app. Nope.