Merry Christmas

When I follow my instincts, they're usually right. When my instincts follow me, they tell me I have a nice ass.

See?

They're right AGAIN!

Remember the “Big Bang Theory” episode where Amy Farrah Fowler dressed up in the Star Trek outfit?

I do.

Sheldon…dude…bro…dude…

So, you thought "Can I put some juice in your caboose?" was a good pickup line huh?
So...how many stitches did the ER Doctor give you?

Dear "The World", Trump is trolling you.

You're welcome.

Just spilled coffee in my lap... by accident. Yeah... "accident".

Sometimes boobs are salty... that's why I like to rub pretzels on them.

I used to hate always being on the outside looking in, then I realized... who the fuck wants to be INside? 

The party is OUTside! 

Yup.

"Okay people, I admit it now...he's a little nuts."

- Rodman finally starts to get it about Kim Jong Un

Public restrooms....

People, why?

How long can you sniff your date's armpits while repeatedly saying "Yum" before it gets WEIRD?

"Grandpa...did they really have a thing called "Fox News" or did my history teacher make it up?"
- Hopefully our grandkids

Expect people to give a shit?
Nope, you'll just get shit.

Waiting for the "Right side of history" to whip racist politician's asses is the new "Wait until my big brother gets here, he'll fix you!"

99% of the people that meet me, love me. The other 1% are assholes...

...dead...assholes.

*dramatic music, the sound of a hole being dug*

The black guy in my mirror keeps biting my rhymes...
Oh.

I wish I was famous so my opinion mattered...

Kim K's ass cheeks individually drunk text me.  

I put ass on my strawberries and whipped cream.  

The illuminati just called and said that they want to join ME.

If your lady's navel smells good. Marry her.

A guy just said his washer "Can take many many big loads"... and me and my buddy laughed. 

We're both on twitter.

That guy didn't get it.

I love ME. You can get in on this shit too if you want to.

But...you are not necessary. Wanted... but not necessary.

RIP Nelson Mandela

1918-2013

If sniffing a hot woman's armpits while she reaches over your head in the market is wrong, I don't want to be right.

I call them traffic "jellies" because I like being assaulted by angry people.

Hating people is ALL bad. Especially THAT guy. Yeah, THAT guy...

(Any Race) supremacist. No.
That is all.

Walk up to a stranger and say "Are you going to act like you didn't see THAT?"... then walk away in disgust.

Fun!

Oh no! Don't break up with me now that I hate you and wish you were somehow transported to the furthest reaches of an alternate universe!

Twerking ISN'T for EVERYBODY. For instance, did you read today?

Then twerking isn't for you.

I'd do a reality show where drug dealers give actual bags of dimes to people who ask for a "Dime bag"

It's called "Dealers getting shot"

My cousin's cat doesn't do anything cute, so I'm going to put my camera down and let it finish changing the oil in my car.