Saturday, October 31, 2009


On Halloween, all of america gets to see on their front porch the touring company of the smash hit show "Feed the Children"

A guard kept following me around a bookstore as if I was gonna steal something. I waited until he got close, spun around, handed him the books and told him "If you're gonna keep following me around, make yourself useful and carry these!"...he stopped following. True Story.

A friend was complaining about Valentines Day et al..."I hate all of these made up holidays!" he screamed. I paused and said "Dude, they're all made up."

Note to self: When driving...lights at NIGHT and windshield wipers when it RAINS.

Friday, October 30, 2009


I'm putting my friends Pit Bull on my porch on Halloween. Any kid that can make it to the bell deserves candy.

I'm pissed. Someone put spinach in my salmonella.

Dick Cheney. 8 time winner of the "Most Appropriate First Name Contest"

Thursday, October 29, 2009


I want to save some money so I'm converting to another religion until December 26th.

These ads on our FB pages are getting a little too specific. "Is your name S. Anthony, did you just have a birthday and recently break up with your woman?....Are you currently eating a chicken sandwich?...then we've got the girl for you!" Did George Orwell write these things?! Mac...PC...I don't really want to be in this commercial. You stay here and talk about computers, I'm gonna have a couple beers and then get it on with my girlfriend.

Condoms are 90% effective, but if you chant "Please don't get pregnant!" three times fast afterwards, it takes care of the other 10%.

I was gonna put razors in the candy that I give out on Halloween, but those ungrateful little punks only want iphones.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Someone should tell WalMart to begin selling illegal street drugs. Why stop at only destroying legitimate businesses?

WalMart Healthcare....Low, Low Prices....of course your doctor would be an underpaid 11 year old Chinese kid.....

This Atlas is thinking about shrugging......

Junk food and Drugs have the same addiction level? Really? So I guess the good news is that the SKINNY crackhead era is almost over.

Why do they call it "Baby Sitting" when it's really "Baby Chasing"?

Ate at "Friendly's" yet, the waitress....not so friendly. It was still better than the restaurant next door..."Hey Customers, Go F*ck yourselves!"

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


If Joe Lieberman blocks the healthcare that millions of people need, he will truly put himself in the ranks of the lowest of the low. Who is he really? A Democrat, A Republican....who? He should not be trusted by anyone. His tantrum (Joining a filibuster blocking healthcare) should make him someone that no person votes to put in public office again. I can't believe that this is someone that I once voted for. I am truly disgusted with this "Man?". Shame on you!

Joe Lieberman=Kanye West

Monday, October 26, 2009


I'm thinking of moving to Chicago in hopes of being one of Oprah's "Favorite Things"....wait, that joke is okay right? I don't want the Oprah Army after me.....wait there's a knock at the the poli......

Sunday, October 25, 2009


Why is punishment Corporal and anesthesia General?....thanks and good night! I'll be here all week! Tip your servers!

No not,, here......(My last girlfriends idea of "Anal" sex)

I wish the talking heads on the political shows were sitting in a dunk tank. We'd give the people at a bucket of balls and when ever the panelist lies......bam!!! Dunk the bastard!!!!

They're creepy and they're kooky, the husband's really spooky, the story smelled of dookie, the Balloon Boy Fam-i-leee.....

Life is like a box of chocolates...the longer you're in it....the bigger your ass gets!

Saturday, October 24, 2009


I'm going to start celebrating daylight spending time.

Just took a leak off of a high rise onto the pigeon that crapped on my car. Payback is a whaaaaaaaat!!?!!

Women's gymnastics world championships= Take out menu for Roman Polanski

Fast food places have drive AROUND windows, not drive THRU. Trust me.

An expensive dinner does NOT= guaranteed sex! Just because you take me out....Hear that ladies! I will not be used!

Let gays get married. If you wanna stop anyone from marrying... stop idiots. Where do you think new idiots come from?....Exactly!

Friday, October 23, 2009


A friend of mine got a box of street bootleg movies for his birthday....what better way to say you love someone than involving them in a felony.

They grow the Flu Vaccine in eggs. I had a western omelet this morning, so I'm good right? ;-)

Was my last girlfriend from IKEA? She came in pieces and I couldn't put her back together because I couldn't understand the instructions.

Left foot, Right foot, Left foot, Right foot, Left foot, Right foot, Left foot, Right foot.....Too much information? Sorry.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


We need to relabel things to emphasize how dangerous they are. Cute names and euphemisms hide the truth. So...lets begin. High Fructose Corn syrup= Ass widener. Alcohol= Car crash juice. Etc.

"Mount Rushmore" shouldn't be taken literally. Sorry for what you had to see tourists. date says "please delete the photos".

I don't have a milk mustache, I have a milk afro. Talk about clumsy!

I want the police to taser annoying people. Here are some suggestions. Any dude over 21 that watches 90210 or that type of show, anyone that uses the word "wigger", people that celebrate their team winning by breaking someone's property, people who have super loud personal conversations in a confined area on their cellphones (Lady, I don't want to know that much about your pap test).

Blunts may be the right idea. Tobacco to give you cancer and weed to help with the side effects of the chemotherapy when you get it!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I gonna put out a television commercial for a prescription drug with no benefits...just a list of side effects and an 800 number. Then I'm gonna sit back and count the stupid people.

(Note to self)...unisex hair salons only trim the hair on your head...armpits are do it yourself.... must remember...

I just found a new curse word so dirty, I can't even show the first letter it's. "********************"

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Dancing with the Stars...Rocks!......No, the show doesn't rock...I'm requesting rocks to throw at the TV!

Don't feel bad about watching "Maury". It's just human curiosity. I'm with some friends and at the next table a man is fighting with his wife. He was trying to figure out a way to tell her that he got his girl on the side pregnant. I have never eaten a turkey burger so slowly. Ironically after he told her, it became an episode of "Springer". I've never sipped ice water so slowly...

How long till the verizon guy gets killed by the crazy cable guy in the commercial? Is the message "Cable guys are stalkers"? I know that they aren't because that would require them actually showing the hell up!

I think that I may still be traumatized (By the balloon boy story)...every time I look in the sky and see a balloon I'm afraid that a child might not be in it! I need help!

Why isn't there a Doughbolt?

If someone has plastic covers on all of the furniture....never go in the basement with them. I'm just saying....

Monday, October 19, 2009


If you are 25 or older and your crush on a star supersedes your affection for your significant other...U R A nut case!

"Coffee grinder"---> significant other of a Barista (From the book inappropriate definitions volume 1)

The "Octomom" has said that she has a crush on Jon Gosselin. I now have officially changed my stance on forced sterilization! They must not breed!!!!

Thanks to Balloon Boy drug mules will now have to find something else to call new recruits. Something without such a stigma attached.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


New definition of verbal assault-->Being stuck in an elevator with someone who's phone conversation is so stupid it makes your head hurt!

"Condoms are NOT reusable!?!" - Said the cheap guy who just found out that he got a hooker pregnant.

Poverty= involuntary portion control.

With all of these beer commercials during the football games, I'm wondering when the Cirrhosis medications are gonna start being advertised. It's the same audience.

I finally get it. When those guys hold up those signs that say "The End is Near", they aren't talking about US...have you ever seen THEM twice?

Saturday, October 17, 2009


Smarter animals have less physical gifts, cats/dogs can lick themselves. Salamanders can regrow limbs. I'd lose some IQ for those skills!

Didn't get much sleep, I spent all night waking up Jehovah's witnesses and telling them about The Buddha.

I am definitely buying that Jack Lalanne power juicer. I'm hoping with the proper nutrition I too can be a healthy 90 year old white man.

When I was a kid my mom said thunder was angels clapping and rain...them crying. Then I saw a mudslide...I didn't let her answer that one.

Nipple rings. A wonderful non verbal way of letting strangers know that you routinely make bad decisions.

Friday, October 16, 2009


Man, they found balloon boy so fast that they didn't have a chance to blame a mysterious black guy for his disappearance.

Breaking News!! Jon & Kate seen buying 8 Helium Balloons!!! Jealous of Balloon Boy??? Film at 11.

Breaking News!!!! Rush Limbaugh to run for Presidency of NAACP!!!!!

Breaking News!!! Angry that coverage died down, Ballon Boy's Family Caught Putting Older Son In Giant Catapult!! Film @11

If I had a nickel for every mention of Balloon Boy today I'd have enough money to buy a gun and shoot the next person that mentions him.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


Guys want two women. Be careful. With the right ones, it's heaven. With the wrong ones it's a rough game of musical chairs...uh...I'm told.

I use a hands free phone when I drive, although according to what the police officer is yelling, I probably should have spent the money on brakes.

Now out at the NFL, Rush Limbaugh regroups and puts a bid in on B.E.T. Stay Tuned.

I wonder, how pick pockets get good? You'd figure they'd stop after the first few ass whippings.

I love watching cellphone companies brag about their coverage vs a competitor when really, it's more about who sucks the least.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


My new passion...sexting while driving.

Just found a hair in my sandwich wrap. I'm pissed, I ordered extra hair...those cheap mofo's!

In a 30sec TV commercial for prescription drugs, 28 seconds are spent telling you the side effects...doesn't anyone see a problem with that?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Why do they call unwanted mail Spam and not Scrapple...I'll occasionally eat Spam.

Wouldn't a better name be "Unplanned Parenthood"?

A moment of silence. It's winter time now and even the women who insist on dressing inappropriately must now cover up.....goodbye belly rings, goodbye impossible not to notice cleavage...see you next year.

Talk about false advertising, I watched "The Biggest Loser" and didn't see even one of my high school friends.

Computerized assembly lines, GPS Systems, we are so lazy as a society. A friend of mine even has a machine breathing for him....lazy ass.

Monday, October 12, 2009


...the landlord said your rent is late and gets mad when you obfuscate....don't happy....(Rejected line for Don't worry be happy...I say it works)

The year 1995, the place bullsh*t telemarketing job in L.A....."Mr Thomas, where do you see yourself in ten years?" Me (Outside) " Well, I see my self growing as a person and into a mgt. position here...selling computer ribbons..." Me (In my head) "...are you fu*king crazy...ten years? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Dude, this job is like toilet paper, I'm gonna wipe and flush. Ten years?... hahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Cialis for daily use. Daily use? Getting a little ahead of ourselves aren't we? You wouldn't put an old hose on a sports car would you?

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Reality TV is for lazy voyeurs. C'mon, buy a ladder. Get some binoculars. Drill a hole. Follow somebody. Don't be a lazy ass!

I ran out of clay pigeons while skeet shooting...anyone got any extra narcissists laying around? (FYI, Homeland security...I'm joking Okay!)

I would love to be a ref in pro sports....ah, to be that wrong so often and still get paid...

Signs in stores say..."No shoes, No shirt, No service." They don't ever say anything about "No Pants". They should. They really should.

When a woman says that she is "anal"...clarify. It will save you embarrassment, a restraining order and running from her black belt brother.

Saturday, October 10, 2009


Marge Simpson on the cover of Playboy! Time to get your cartoon of a bottle of baby oil & your cartoon of some tissue!

I am is starting a one stop reality show called "Jon & Kate+8+Michelle Obamas arms+Letterman's junk+The Real Housewives+DancingStars+AmericanIdol"

I'm starting a new religion called "Mindyobizznassism"

...are we done talking about Letterman's junk yet?

Nasa Bombs Moon. Moon Retaliates by staying Full, thus increasing the number of Werewolves in circulation. There's always consequences.

Obama promised to end "Don't ask don't tell" ...think he can pass something that'll stop my next Lady from always "Tellin' if I don't ask?"

Friday, October 9, 2009


Breaking news! Fox (News?) Trashes President. Stunned nation stands with mouths agape! "it's so out of character" says stunned citizen.

You know you are a country of lazy asses when you outsource telemarketing jobs. "I've got to dial this phone?...myself? man..."

Top Ramen Noodles and Oodles of Noodles should come with blood pressure medicine in them.

Thursday, October 8, 2009


I don't mind the strip search at the airport, but how does the cuddling help them find explosives? Just asking.

"Your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device." As a flight instruction...thumbs up. As a pick up line thumbs down.

Escalators, automatic doors, remote controls...why do we waste time making easy things easier? Use that energy to, uh..cure a disease or something.

A question. Are she-males the "spork" of the adult film world? Just asking.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


They say curiosity killed the cat....I say you should still bring in Michael Vick for questioning.

Tom Delay is leaving "Dancing With the Stars" because he got a stress fracture in his foot. You'd think Tom Delay's feet would be safe...they're usually in his mouth.

Hey son, throw that food away. Don't eat it all, there are fat kids in America. (Things heard in bizzarro Somalia)

Forget about WWE wrestling, I just found out that thumb wrestling is fake too. The world just doesn't make sense anymore.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


Saw a drug commercial on t.v. that said "side effects are: burning sensation, bleeding, dizziness, suicidal thoughts, impotence, death". Damn, what side effects did the drugs you reject have?


Lets get rid of the phrase "Actions speak louder than words". I do not want to encourage mimes, we need there to be LESS of them. They annoy me.


Rush Limbaugh wants to buy The Rams. That's a tough pill to swallow....oops, Sorry Rush. Sorry to bring up pills, but you must be high as hell to wanna buy the Rams! Apparently it's not just the president you want to fail, you wanna get in on the failing too!

Monday, October 5, 2009


According to "The Secret"....we are what we think about most. Now I know why, (On occasion)...I'm called an ass.

Sunday, October 4, 2009


I was an unintentional aphrodisiac today. Ever seen someone ramp up the PDA's with their significant other because you're around. Most people look away, but I get tired of that. I stare and critique. "C'mon man, you've got to do better than that!"

New Decision

In a close 5-4 decision by the Supreme Court, Starting Jan 2010, you will now get 15 years of bad luck for breaking a mirror. Oh, and throwing salt over your shoulder now only works in months that have 30 days in them.


Just saw the new Roman Polanski career DVD set in the store. It comes with Champagne & Quaaludes. Don't worry though, it won't hurt your pocket too much because it's on sale. The moral compass is missing.

Is there a way to start an internet database/registry for a-holes and douche bags? And yes I want to be notified when they move into my neighborhood.

The Civil War, World Wars 1 & 2, does anyone re-enact anything good that happened?

This is the longest time I've ever been sans girlfriend. I'm considering acting suspicious at the airport for the strip search. "Are you sure I don't have weapons honey?"

Saturday, October 3, 2009


This is the longest time I've ever been sans girlfriend. I'm considering acting suspicious at the airport for the strip search. "Are you sure I don't have weapons honey?"

My message to a certain narcissist...

My message to a certain not fish for complements here, I no longer stock the may leave now.

Friday, October 2, 2009

I Wonder...

Whenever I'm around older relatives and friends of all races they always tell stories of how they were spanked as a child, then they show the scars as proof. Scars from 50 plus years ago. Just makes me wonder, how many people would be on a registry if they had them back then?

Pet Peeves

Pet peeves: People that you can't have a brief conversation with. We all know people that you have to avoid, unless you have 45 minutes to spend talking about things only worthy of 30 seconds of conversation. Here's my message to them....shut the hell up! Can't you see that I'm in a hurry! If you don't mind I'd like to put out this fire, then we can talk endlessly about you cats' new coat!