FINALLY! I can use my easy bake oven out in the open!

Dear casting directors of commercials, we can tell when the black person is a token black person. Okay? *whispers* I'm available for that...

Yeah, I know all about your spiritual rebirth. Would you please get your past deeds placenta off of my floor?

New name for the "Ove-glove" .... "Don't touch that you stupid bastard!"

I don't mind if you don't give a damn, it just means that we finally have something in common.

Never let a reputation beat you....unless the alternative is a bat. Then let the reputation beat you instead. Don't be stupid.

"....and 100% of your donations go to charity. Then I take the shit back from them and spend it." - Honest scam artist

Edible panties are as useful as a safe door made of chocolate. Cute, but get that out of the way so I can get to the good stuff behind....

ALL lipsticks should be flavored.

The Riddler from Batman is just a Koan thief. Yeah. I said it. He didn't come up with that shit. If those monks weren't meditating....

Karma is actually quite nice. I think you all owe her an apology for the name calling...

Watch your back ladies. Don't worry about your ass....I'll watch that for you. Oh yeah....

Why do you have to call THAT pencil "colored"? RACIST!!

How many calories are there in the butt cheeks of a hot woman? I plan on getting morbidly obese.

Guns. Religion. Politics. Gay Rights. Okay.....everybody.....FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know that moment when your woman holds your "you know what" in her hands...awesome! Thanks for cheating on her and making her available!

When you're about to hit on someone and they act like an asshole BEFORE you do, that's the universe's AUTO CORRECT.

I'm man enough to admit that I can't perform in sexual situations like I did when I was younger. I mean, the last 2 hookers were able to run me down after they realized that the twenty dollar bills I gave them were fake. Times.... they are changing....

"We get it, you're gorgeous, delicious even. Stop being so BEYOND perfect!"
- Everyone else in the world to ME

Dear entertainment news, young people like to dress in revealing clothes and fuck a lot. Young stars are no different, okay? Calm down.

Dear ALL of the people in the world that DON'T love ME, fuck BOTH of you! Huh? You do like me? Okay. Well then fuck that other person! Yeah!

I now can get into pants 10 sizes smaller....your sister's! *Dice Clay voice* Oh!!!

Nah. I'm good. (A nice person's way of saying "Get the fuck away from me asshole!")

The fact that my tablet let's me bounce between my two twitter accounts means that I can now bore TWO audiences at once. Yay!

Kiss the cook. I call my ass "The cook"

Hybrid car. Hairspray. Big bag of styrofoam containers. Uh.....no. I don't think you get the point.

Me+twitter=moot inner dialog.

Hold it, "Underestimating " ISN'T a sex thing? Then yes, I am pissed off about you doing it to me!

Holding your own balls in a non sexual way feels good. Let's ALL get together and take the stigma off of this activity. WHO'S WITH ME!?!

400 Christmas commercials in a row. No.

Octomom porno film. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Flo: Mel Sharples, kiss my grits!
Mel: I'd rather kiss you tits!
Flo: Oh...okay!
(S. Anthony rewrites TV classics)

Hey, Apple....slow the ihell down with the new product launches already!

Can you hold up a towel with YOUR erection? Can YOU unhook a bra with it? No? LOSER! I win!

Google voice search vs Siri vs Me just knowing shit.

Ever see a security guard that looks like HE is going to steal some shit? I just did.

I'm going to write "Viciously slams into cars that have signs on them warning of slow driving and frequent stops" on my car. Yup.

I just slept with the personal assistant on my android device. Can YOUR girlfriend play Prince music & search the web during lovemaking?

Dear eating healthy, screw you!

A lady rubs her boobs..sexy. A guy rubs his balls...perverted. A guy rubs his balls on a woman's boobs.... S. Anthony Thomas. I'm the man!

I give up.
(FYI "Up" is my nickname for massages to women's butt cheeks)

I have girlfriends shave half of their body so when we do it on the other side it's like getting it on with a street hooker. #nooneishere

You've made it when the media digs up things from years ago to smear you. Future media, fuck you & those that look like you. Love, S. A. T.

FYI, I didn't mean me. I've got nothing to dig up. I admit to all of my weird shit. You all should know THAT by NOW. :)

You don't have a leash on that pit bull, I don't have my foot on the brakes. My niece is in that school yard. Your move....

I HATE my morals. I just rejected a hot 19 year old. Well, she didn't see me and it was only in MY mind but I say it still counts. Shut up!

Guess what turns "Know where to turn?" into "Nowhere to turn"...this guy's bullshit GPS.

That new coffee lacks bitterness because elephants eat the beans...then shit it out to remove it? Uh, I'll take MINE bitter un-shat. Thanks.

Working on my autobiography. Is it too soon to put in flying cars and rapping dinosaurs?

Would I take Male Birth Control pills?

Yes!

But could beds take the pounding?

Tee hee, see what I did there? I gave the impression that my sexual powers were so overwhelming, that I'd cause damage to ANY bed that I'd make love in. Yeah. I'm a comic genius.

Also, that shit is TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!


Okay lady. I see your "Face down, ass up" and I raise with "Balls deep, womb filled" ....and....I win this hand and take the pot! Yup!


"Screw you, I'm NOT an employee! I don't HAVE TO!"
- Gross guy leaving a public bathroom


"Is this love - is this love - is this love -
Is this love that I'm feelin'?
Is this love - is this love - is this love -
Is this love that I'm feelin'?"

- Bob Marley lyrics or What S. Anthony says with his hands on a cute woman's butt cheeks?

YOU decide! VOTE BELOW!!!!!! ;)


Dear photographers, we know what women REALLY look like and we like THAT. Stop that stupid airbrushing crap. Skin should look like SKIN.

Thanks,

Dudes

So, you saw ME blush? Yeah....I think you called the wrong number lady.

Don't give me Bible verse locations, tell me what you want to say instead or I'll tell YOU S. Anthony 3:16. "I ignore obnoxious people!"

You ALL better pray that I never become the President. I have a notoriously low tolerance for bullshit. Can you say bull in a China shop?

Wishing wells only work on Thursdays at 3:25 am.

Are armpit fetishes weird? Asking for my tongue.

I just caressed my own ass gently. I now see why I'm so popular with the ladies

Pound for pound, I'm the best S. Anthony in the world.

Twenty years ago today, the first text was sent. The text? "Twenty years from now, teenagers are going to make this annoying."

MY laptop only gets warm because it's that close to MY genitalia. I don't blame it at all. Yeah, I'm #betterthanyou

Only I can stop forest fires. Yup, I'm #betterthanyou (And if you don't get THAT reference....I'm also #olderthatyou) ;)

GUYS + yoga pants = No.

A woman on Inside Edition sold sexless snuggles for $60 per hour. I'm giving out FREE, UNLIMITED power bangings. I win.

Uh, cellphone companies.....STILL trying to get people to sign contracts? Congress just called YOU "Out of touch".

A friend complained to me about finding a white pubic hair on his balls. He then had to complain about getting thrown the hell out.

Thanks a lot women who dance inappropriately in public, I was getting ready to use the word "Twerk" for something else.