Dear NEXT serious girlfriend....oooohhhh are YOU going to get it good!

Shark Tank. Watched it. No Sharks, no tanks. I will be filing a class action lawsuit in the morning...

Chest of drawers files restraining order on Clint Eastwood citing extreme verbal harassment. Film at 6 & 11!

The President JUST sent ME an email thanking ME. I bet you losers don't get email from...THE PRESIDENT! (Huh? Form letter? Awkward...)

I just started watching Clint Eastwood in "The Outlaw Josey Wales" and I can swear that my empty chairs are planning an attack on my TV screen...

I was walking down the street with my camera and some delegates started throwing peanuts at me. What does that mean? WHAT!?! *kicks ass*

I just threw MY nuts at a lady at the convention...she didn't seem to mind.

If only women knew what we were thinking when we look at their boobs. We're thinking "I want to have sex with her!" Ya'll KNEW that? Oh.

"It's only CALLED "eating" stupid!"
- ER doctor to stupid boyfriend after "sex accident" with soon to be ex girlfriend

*on the phone with one of my gay Republican friends*...hold on, I can't hear you, I'm at a Klan rally helping them put a cross on my lawn.

This GOP convention is similar to a porno set.... a whole lot of fluffing, THEN the big dick comes out.

Breaking news! Obama to bring out Bruce Lee as mystery speaker at DNC Convention! Yeah, he's THAT good!

"Wave your hands in the air, show the elderly you just don't care!"
- Hip hop RNC REMIX

Light skin, dark skin, I don't care, I just want IN! Take THAT Shakespeare!

President Obama is going to bring out David Duke to try to steal some of the racist vote from Romney. Check and Mate!

...was thinking of grandpa today....

...and remembering his last words....

..."they'll know that's NOT my signature you sick bastards!"

....yeah, good times.

It's NOT "Giving up", if no one knows you're doing it...

Sign in the gym:

"DON'T BANG THE WEIGHTS"

Feeling in my heart:

"YOU can't deny our love!!!!!!"

**********

What's with Gordon Ramsay and FIRE in all of his show openings? I'd keep an eye on that guy...

I give anxiety attacks to anxiety attacks! I pimp slap headaches! I have an exaggerated view of my abilities in fantasy scenarios!

After the definition of RAPE in the dictionary, it says "If you think out of wedlock pregnancy is the same thing, you are a fucking moron"


"Pump up the racists! Pump up the racists!
Pump up the racists! Dance! Dance!"
- New Romney Campaign song

Politicians NOW in power, you do know that your draconian laws will eventually be in the hands of a pissed off opposing politician, right?

Todd Akin tried to glue my penis closed.

I want to start group called Americans for AMERICAN'S Prosperity. The difference between mine and the OTHER one? My title WON'T be a lie.

Breaking T.O. cut by the Seahawks.
....this JUST in, I don't care.
Film at 11.

Children, THAT is a phone-cord. Yes, It's a real thing....I AM NOT LYING!

If I was AL Bundy, Peg would get laid several times a day. And several times per night too. Alright, 3 times per week. I've got things to do

"Ahahahahahahaha!"
- Me to my ex's smug new guy as I hear in my head the ticking of the emotional time bomb that's going to go off. Sucker.

My testicles sing "Just the two of us" after I have sex....if I remember correctly...

Dear HALF naked women....you've go it HALF right. PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!
Just kidding take it off so we can get it on!

I sell long hairs to restaurants to put in your food if you're rude. #bigbusiness

Don't ride a motorcycle next to a Dodge pickup & "Mean mug" the driver. Not good. I wonder if the ambulance ride was better than his Harley?

MOST women WON'T fall for the "Let me nibble your boobs dry on this hot and sweaty day" trick...I've been told...by OTHERS...who aren't ME.

Friends send me e-mail complaining about the 400 anti Obama commercials per day they see in Philly. They HATE Romney now. Nice work moron.

PLEASE try to intimidate ME at the polls. I'm your nightmare, an informed black MAN! Your move bigots. It won't go the way you think

You don't get green teeth from green tea, you get them from soul kissing the Incredible Hulk's sister. Now don't you feel silly?

If you're swayed by political commercials, you aren't that bright. I mean, this plastic fork is worth $9000, but I'll sell to you for $5000.

REAL men drink green tea.

I want to star in a movie where guys ingest a substance, then act like d-bags. I am nothing if not innovative.

Dear children of super famous/accomplished people. Calm down, NO ONE expects you to live up to THAT! We also don't expect you to be a-holes.

You CAN'T hurt the feelings that I DON'T have for you.

I don't put bumper stickers & slogans on my car. The fact that I'm NOT foaming at the mouth should be enough to tell you who I'm voting for.

Dear judges helping with voter suppression, take off the robes and put on booty shorts. If you're going to be whores dress appropriately.

Is it a bad sign when the President STILL looks more likable in your lie filled attack ads that you do? Just asking...

I had to delete my Romney app. I came back to my phone & half the other apps were downsized or sent to India.

Melanin isn't enough to make ME vote against my self interest. (Nor is it enough to make me vote FOR someone...I'm too intelligent for that)

If your butt looks the same nude as it does in jeans....lady, you need to see a dermatologist about that.

Lance Armstrong to be stripped of his 7 titles. In other news, S. Anthony’s ex to be stripped of thousands of orgasms for being a whore.

Lance Armstrong to be stripped of his 7 titles. In other news, Cheryl Crow releases a new song called "Ha ha ha!"

I really like the NEW Mitt Romney commercial that proves President Obama shot JFK while burying the Lindbergh baby. Good stuff!

LL Cool J breaks a burglar's jaw. Kool Moe Dee...your move.

**********

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Me"

"Me WHO?"

"I'm going to come in there and kick you in the butt hole"

"Oh, sorry S. Anthony...come in!"

**********

Those election buyers don't want YOU to be rich too. They want you to THINK you'll be rich...as THEY bang models and piss on YOUR mortgages.

So it's NOT sexy when you bite someone else's bottom lip....on the bus?

“It’s ironic that the youth is hostile at this youth hostel”
- A joke I would have written 20 years ago when I lived in a Youth Hostel

My uncle just found out that his diabetes is illegitimate, so they're going to fish his toes out of the biohazard bag and sew them back on.

Please stop talking about your just jailed again boyfriend so loudly...and with such knowledge of the specific judges personality traits...

"I'll take your word for it skank!" is not the right answer to ANY question EVER.

"Wow, what a sellout!" - Michael Steele watching Ron Christie on TV

ANYTHING is possible. Notice that guy over there peeing into your car? See? There's proof!

MALE meteorologist....on MY favorite news station? No. I will not have this....

On Madden 13, the players get kicked out of the game for head butting the cheerleaders. They get extra points for getting them pregnant.

I'd marry someone in show business. My being LOW maintenance would make me perfect for them... *looks at asst* "I" have to push send!?!

I can't quit you... Just kidding, your stuff is outside in a bag...next to the pitbull.

Yes lady, we see your NEW pregnancy boobs. Calm down. No I'm not filming them. I always hold my phone camera like that while saying "Yum".

Lord, have mercy....NO, on ME! To hell with THAT guy!!!!!

I'm kick-ass-iv-aggressive.

For the record, Lolo Jones' fame has NOTHING to do with my desire to marry and make babies with her. Just so you know.

Voter suppression.... Racism.
Potato.... ANOTHER freaking Potato.

Dear really hot young female celebrities. We ALREADY want to sleep with you. The "Wardrobe Malfunctions" aren't needed. Nudity is cool, OK?

I need Viagra. Not for sex, I balance my Kindle on my erection for reading....and I'm four hours away from finishing this book...


Dear horror movies. This is 2012, no one is scared of you anymore.

Shortcuts are for suckers!

*takes shortcut, wins*

Believing THAT is for even BIGGER suckers!

Dear racist guys blocking the vote. ALL of the old black people in my family and their friends have ID now. Ha!

Are people STILL swift boating? Hint: when they have a name for the tactic, stop using it. Also, you people are dick heads.


Dear 20 year old, thanks for flirting with me. I'll NEVER do you...but it's nice to know that I could.

Much love,

S. Anthony

Dear “Americans for Prosperity”, your commercials are horse shit. They are full of OLD, already debunked talking points although I’m sure I can find people that believed YOU at some point before they discovered Google and common sense.

I look forward to the endless barrage of commercials from you ending, and I look forward to you and your OWNERS becoming relics as you tumble toward your rightful place….

….the WRONG side of history.

Blow me,

S. Anthony Thomas

I can bring home the bacon.... Fry it up in a pan.... Then get no ass cause I forgot you're vegan.... #thisiswhyiamacomicandnotasongwriter

I'm putting together some plans to create a condom brand named "Vaga-filler-uppers". Yeah, I'm gonna be a Billionaire soon.

"MY bad!" - Dudes who think it's 20 years ago

Freedom!!!!!!!! (I can't explain what I mean by this...but just be happy for me ANYWAY!)

Only I, "S. Anthony Thomas" can make eating Lean Pockets and drinking pink lemonade look THIS cool.... Yeah, I am the man.

"Hey girl, I can see the SMALL of your back....but I'm more interested in the BIG of your ass!"
- Teens probably

867-530 ni-ee-i-een

"Why do THEY get a whole WEEK, and we get shit? *points to own body* Uh, HELLO!"
- Blue Whales find out about SHARK WEEK

I'm going to start talking like EVERY person on the TV show Dragnet. Yup, purposely annoying....

What good is eating health food if you're not sleeping with someone hot? I don't want to be a fit 90 year old who masturbates all the time.

Hey fast food manager, YOU hired the smoking hot ladies for the drive thru....
...so don't blame ME for what I do to MYSELF in MY car!

If the FIRST person in a line of traffic waits MORE than 5 seconds to move because they're NOT paying attention...you can slap them, right?

Soy foods are ALL made with meat juice. (Just kidding, I don't want to fight any vegans.)

When you Photoshop your genitals...they DON'T become 30 inches in REAL LIFE. A friend told me that. I certainly didn't do that crap...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to be popular here too...and look what happened to me!

The "Devil" didn't make you do anything. You're just an asshole.

Only one woman I've dated has grabbed my ass to pull me in for a kiss. I'll probably marry the next one that does it...

Dear ladies, no deodorant chips in your armpits please. I have a hard time distinguishing that from the whipped cream I'm gonna put there...

To help with temporary acid reflux, my doctor gave me a medicine that made my tongue numb...and with THAT my respect for porn stars grew...

That space between a woman's boobs ALWAYS fits my face PERFECTLY...

When I make love to a lady, I also have opening ceremonies with fireworks and a live band. During the closing ceremony I'm watching TV.

Imagine getting it on with an Olympic athlete right after they win a gold medal...or feeling up a lady right after she gets gold teeth...

Dear people who are in a privileged position whether by hard work or luck... STFU and STOP complaining!

I've done celebrity roasts before. What have I learned? Celebrities have plenty of money to hire people to beat you up. That is all...

Dear Illuminati, can I get in on this "Take over the world" thing? There's NOTHING on TV right now...

The echo on my phone is great for phone sex with a hard of hearing lady.

"No, after YOU...."
- Really polite threesome

"I hate that after the Olympics is over, I'll have to go back to hacking into security cameras to see half nude athletic women." - NOT me

NEVER cheated, NEVER will. I'm a relationship powerbanger. Yeah, date me ladies and prepare to be at least bottomless 75% of the time. Yup.

"After seeing the super slow instant replay of the rhythmic gymastics, complete with HD crotch shots....WHO NEEDS THE OTHER VIDEO?" - NOT me

Wait, I didn't have to use my real name and picture here!?! Nooooooo! I've ruined my life!!!!!!!

NBC, nobody would think your Bodies in motion video was "Porny" if you didn't put porn music behind it. Use Patriotic music and no problem.
....oh, and no super slow-mo while zooming in on the athletes tits.

Ryan: "Can we screw rich old people too?"
Romney: "No Paul."
Ryan: "You're no fun."
Romney: "Don't make me call Palin!" Ryan: "I'm sorry"

"Remember telling me to get off your lawn old people? Well if we win....IT'S PAYBACK TIME!!!"
-Early draft of Paul Ryan VP acceptance speech

Dear seniors in the crowd clapping for Ryan...cat food DOES NOT taste as good as you think. Don't let your cat's smile fool you...

"Gentlemen, the war in Iraq...is OVER! Wait, who left this old George W Bush speech on the podium?" - Mitt Romney

Why do I hear the theme from The Courtship of Eddie's Father when I see Romney and Ryan together? (No, I'm not THAT old.)

Romney and Ryan. Do you think that they have matching sticks up their asses? I do.

The two black people behind Romney's announcement podium....nice try. Were they the extra people that you couldn't fly to the NAACP speech?

"I picked him because he reminds me of myself when I had just BEGUN to NOT Pay taxes and fire people for fun." - Romney on his VP pick

"You picked the biggest idiot...well I picked the biggest asshole! So there, I one upped you McCain!" -Mitt Romney

Breaking fake news! Mitt Romney picks fox to guard hen house. Film at 11!

Annoyed at all the attention Paul Ryan is getting as VP choice, a confused Sarah Palin gorges herself on Chick-fil-A... AGAIN. Film@ 11!

In a fund raising move Paul Ryan sells "Fuck old people" shirts and hats. So far, ONLY his running mate has purchased one. Film @ 11!

"You picked RYAN and not ME!?! I've been a smarmy, lying, dick all of this time for NOTHING!?!"
- Eric Cantor learns of Romney's VP choice

If your lady giggles when you call it "Ball milk"... she's a keeper. Or she has low self esteem and bad taste. Nah, lets stick with keeper.

Unairbrushed Photos Of Victoria's Secret Model Leak Online! In other news, I still really want to have lots of sex with them.

Look, I STILL like you Facebook... but Tumblr gives me back rubs and Twitter lets me put it in her butt.

My little cousin had to have a doctor remove raisins from his nose. How many times do you have to tell kids NOT to copy what I do? I'm GROWN!

Just ate the HEALTHY version of my favorite Chinese food dish.
The fork tasted better. Yes, I ate the fork. DON'T JUDGE ME!

I just bought a dressage horse. You NON Billionaires don't know what you're missing.

Serena Williams could "Crip walk" ON a puppy and I'd STILL want to marry and make babies with that delicious woman. Yeah, I said it!

If you put out a Kindle Fire 2 right after I just bought this Kindle Fire, I'm going to be PISSED amazon! DON'T "APPLE" ME!!!!!

Dear smart women....I want to be IN you. Just thought you should know.

I love the ladies on our Olympic volleyball team! NO NOT THAT WAY! Okay, THAT way but NOT JUST that way. They are awesome!

A lady that I like playfully told me to "Kiss her ass." She has no idea that I have that on my "To do soon and often" list.

I get a kick out of watching these super strong male gymnasts needing to be picked up by some dude to reach the men's high bar.

Please hire me to be in the fake audience in an infomercial so I can scream out "THIS product killed my grandma!"

"Sustained Olympic coverage". That's what I call sex with me in the missionary position. It's better than the previous name "Hey, I tried!"

Not to be indelicate, but my stomach feels much better after I evacuated all of that Westboro Baptist Church out of my colon.

If only life WAS a game. Wait, it IS! Time to enjoy this shit! Also, time to start card counting....

Dear fast food places....
STOP making people ASK for KETCHUP!
D-bags!

Is EVERYTHING about sex? So what if the female track stars are hot...with perfect bodies...covered in sweat that tastes like rainwater....

"Sorry Mr Trump, you CAN'T join our congregation. We have standards!"
-Westboro Baptist Church

Uh oh! I just "Liked" the photo of a pretty 18 year old thinking "I'd be really proud to have a daughter like her someday." What the fuck!?! I'm objectifying the NEXT three hot black women that I see on my screen! Yeah, I said it!

If you stand at a pulpit, virtual or otherwise, and spew hatred...fuck you and you should quit. Enjoy the wrong side of history dumbasses!

I bring my own fine china to fast food places. Yes, I'm better than YOU.

Attention, attention whores! I see you! Just kidding, I was looking at someone else. Go screw yourselves.

Jenna Jameson endorses Mitt Romney.

Well, they do both BLOW. See what I did there? Huh? Well? GENIUS!

**********

Dear cute women, I want to date, marry, regularly bang, and then make babies with one of you. 

Your friend,

S. Anthony Thomas

***********

No interest for 18 months.

Rent-A-Center, or your marriage?

*Dice Clay voice* Oh!!!!!!

**********

Breaking fake news! After seeing the record sales yesterday, Chick-fil-A's founder announces that he's "Not fond of the coloreds either!"

I've dated 4 of the 83 million fake users on Facebook.

Ladies, shave your armpits CLEAN please. I'm tired of the stubble burns on my face and genitals. Thanks, your friend, S. Anthony

Hey, MEN are different than WOMEN. So, now that I've made this discovery, where's my short lived, lame, career damaging daytime talk show?

Christians line up at Chick-fil-A to support their values, meanwhile a homeless guy waits anxiously by the dumpster for scraps. Priorities.

"See the font that is used for the Chick-fil-A logo? Kinda gay."
- Dumb guys

Jennifer Lopez's Boyfriend Casper Smart Caught At Gay Peepshow ... Ahahahahahahahahahaha!"
-Marc Anthony

I pimp slap Alpha males to warm up for the tough parts of my day. Yeah, I'm smoother than YOU.

Cute 24, 30 and 28 year olds were flirting with me and telling me how cute, funny and cuddly I am. No joke here, just rubbing that shit in.

"Blah blah blah blah...."
- A guy working up the courage to say "Blow me!"


What song plays in YOUR head while you're listening to some dweeb drone on about nothing? (I NOW just pull out my MP3 player on them) ;-)

Inspired by the Olympic badminton players, I'd like to admit that my teenage premature ejaculations were ONLY to make ladies feel confident.

It’s not the NUMBER of people around you, it the QUALITY of the people around you. Sometimes, you just have to walk away…

Congress = Guano. That is all.