Google & Amazon probably fight over me like jealous teenage girls.

No, I love him more!

He just buys from YOU, he surfs the web with ME!

When a driver pisses me off, I turn on my windshield wipers and pretend they're my car's "Oh no you didn't" fingers. Yup, I'm a grownup.

Hear me out.

A shot for shot remake of "Chappelle's Show"... starring Kirk Cameron.

Well, should I start a Patreon now or not?

:)

When someone asks "Did you miss me?", do not pause and then laugh before you say "Uh...yeah?"

They will throw things at you.

It would amuse me if stores made people sleep outside to buy crap every day BUT black friday.

Me. THIS.

Yup.

Ok Google, how big is Africa?

*beep* You're black, shouldn't you kn...

Google, don't get your ass whipped.

*beep* 11.67 million sq miles

Not ONE trick or treat attempt. I rented this pitbull and the tarp hiding this pitbull for NOTHING!

People who use emotional violence to manipulate you in relationships suck.
Amirite mortal enemy of my ex that I'm going to bang all night?

I just *beat a guy over the head with a pair of rose colored glasses.
*this did not happen

The ghost in my bathroom is a LIAR! There is no way he needs to use that much toilet paper when he has no ass!

I have never Produced a baby, but I have directed and starred in tons of run throughs and rehearsals.

This Halloween I'm giving out advice.

*next day*

I now know how many eggs were in all of the local markets.

*calls pro cleaning crew*

**********

I finally understand women!

*gets shot for knowing too much*

**********

Being the ONLY BLACK guy with my white friends & having something happen to me because I'm black sucks

*hot women try to bang me*

Usually...

When they finally break down an put cheesecake in pizza crusts, I'm going vegan.... after I try it...I mean I won't...have they done it yet?

Today is the
ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY
of The S. Anthony Says Podcast.
Thanks for making it a great year everyone!

I'm going to show my next girlfriend's friends my penis so when we break up she can't tell them I have a small one.

Check and Mate.

Whoa! *cocks gun* I know that's not coal going into my stocking Santa... let's not make Mrs.Claus a widow...

- Kids finally get guns

Instead of pointing at others, point out a problem...then begin solving it you dickheads.

- First draft of my letter to congress.

"Facts" about S. Anthony Thomas:

Pistol whips himself in front of muggers to show them who REALLY is boss

Borrows sugar from mean neighbors and puts it in their own gas tanks because he believes in revenge AND not wasting HIS money

Taught baby seals hand to hand combat skills.... watch out poachers....SHIT IS ABOUT TO BE ON!

 Stopped the rain

So thoughtful, he gave Santa a *gift.

*The gift was "helping" Mrs. Claus reach the "North Pole" as he watched by Roudolph's nose light

Decided to throw salt straight down and not over his shoulder. He is currently sleeping with 14 supermodels after his lottery win.

Put a condom on backwards and now has a baby hanging out of his ass.

Pitbulls love it when you taunt them every day as you go to school kid. No, he won't remember that when he eventually gets out. Nope.

You don't HAVE TO wear pants when you use a McDonald's drive thru  no matter what they scream at you as you speed away from the angry mob.

Jump off a bridge? Hell no! Who told you that stupid crap?
- Billie Joe McAllister

 Black Jesus had better have ID when he comes back...

I tried to get people to replace the high five with the Isaac from Love Boat point...
Nope. Didn't work. And now I'm called a dweeb.

Remember the son "Chuck" that disappeared from "Happy Days"?
The Fonz killed and ate him. Yup. That's why they don't mess with him.

Aaay!

Junk food is good for you
- The little devil on my shoulder

Yeah, let's eat that shit!
- The "angel" on my other shoulder


A lady followed me to my car and tried to give me a religious magazine. I showed her my twitter, played her my podcast...holy water burns...

"Bwahahahaha! You think I care enough about you two to take sides in your dumb argument!!"

- Me when two people I know argue

George Clooney is getting married today.

GREAT!

That means there are more supermodels available to reject me. Life is good.

**********

I put my pants on one leg at a time. Then I quickly rip them off because they're held together at the sides with Velcro. Yeah.

**********

Plausible deniability < An angry guy with a bat that knows you did it.

**********

It's Official: George Clooney Is Married!

HA! I am NOW...

Bachelor NUMBER ONE!!!!

**********

I'm about to get drunk.

*looks at a picture of my dimples*

Well, I'm gonna need a ride home now. It's not safe for me to drive...

Sorry, I can't be what YOU want.

I can only be ME.

You'll let me do what, to your what?

*becomes what she wants and learns to like it*

**********

  Roger Goodell wrote iOS 8

**********

I want to have fans that attack people who diss me.

C'mon, get to work guys.

*VERBALLY ATTACK MY EX!!

(*Don't do that I'll get sued)

**********

If you buy the new iPhone 7, Derek Jeter will shag balls with you in your backyard... whether you want him to or not.

*Who knew driving a Camry could get you so much hot lady action?

Awww yeah.

(*None of that shit is even close to true)

Ideological discussions > Childish trolling

Facts > Fox (News?)

Anything > Fighting with assholes on twitter

Me today >Me yesterday

Remember those politicians that made it hard for you to vote?

Good, let's make it HARDER for them to EVER get a job in public office again.

I broke into U2's houses and put every episode of MY podcast on THEIR devices.

Deal with it!

(They'll probably quit music to join ME!)

I'm ashamed to say... I JUST noticed that Dolly Parton has big boobs.

Wait, Kim Kardashian has a huge ass!? Why was I not told of this!?

HEADLINE:

60% of Hong Kong women don't get laid enough

NEXT HEADLINE:

S.ANTHONY THOMAS MOVES TO HONG KONG

Guys, did you know you can tap the hip on the side of your body where the lower hanging testicle is and it will rise until they're even?

I usually only get called half of the N word. Somehow my facial expression seems to make the last half disappear.

'Only punks measure their "stuff" in inches/cm. I use scream volume and number of times per minute her eyes roll to the back of her head.

Well, THIS is awkward.
- Scotland runs into England at the supermarket after the independence vote

I'm having a vote today to secede from some of the people around me who suck.

Okay, the vote is in...

100% Fuck 'em
0% Keep them around

Larry Ellison is stepping down from Oracle with $46 billion. He should've finished college, he'd have made 1 million more in his lifetime.

After loading iOS 8, my sister's phone weighs 74 pounds.

Scotland votes to secede, right after iOS 8 comes out...

....coincidence?

I was never hit as a child.

NEVER.

Thanks Mom.

A 90 year old guy just told me that he has "The balls of a 70 year old".
I just asked how he was feeling. I will never ask that again.

It's grape the new Apple watch will pear with my computer, orange you going to get one?

*gets wedgied, pimp slapped and a pie in the face*

If you saw the way I just reacted to stepping on a rubber band in my bare feet, you'd probably put a spoon over my tongue and call 911.

I don't NEED Viagra, but I'm going to take some because I hate people standing close to me on long subway rides.

At this point, Anonymous is probably a little afraid of TMZ. Those bastards are getting all the celebrity elevator tapes...
#RayRice

TMZ > NFL = Eww.

I have no problem agreeing to disagree with someone. Eventually they'll realize that they're idiots, and wrong and will apologize.

Right?

Roger Goddell's great great great great grandfather banned Genghis Khan
for 3 games.

Bruce Levenson, owner of the ATLANTA Hawks is SHOCKED that he has so many black basketball fans...in ATLANTA?

Really?

Dude...ATLANTA...

                                (Photo: John Bazemore, AP)

The Illuminati hasn't given me a raise in years. Let's see how good the new guy is at sacrificing goats... I mean, what Illuminati?

*****

I just called someone the "N" word, so I'm selling my fantasy football team.

Wait, I have permission...

Never mind.

*****

Old guy: I don't agree with homosexuality

Me: Then don't blow or bang any dudes. Problem solved

Old guy: Hey, I'm no longer homophobic!

*****

*measures penis*

Nope, don't need an assault rifle or a "too big" truck.

I don't need to see leaked nudes of Jill Scott. That delicious woman has been nude, married to me and having my babies in my mind for years.

So far, I've thought "Nobody wants to hear that shit!" 15 times today during people's lame attempts at starting a conversation...

You've been served a restraining order with a side order of I have a gun now.

Just saw a KOCH INDUSTRIES commercial on my TV.
Well, I'm off to target to get a new one. This screen had a hammer through it...

My Kindle just called the local library the "O" word.

Obsolete.

Not so fast. I can't "date" hookers in YOUR bathroom Kindle. Calm down.

I have a ton of white friends and none of them act like the white people in romantic comedies... so I call bullshit on those movies!

Oh no the fuck you didn't!

- Thanksgiving conversation starter

*I see your point.
(*I will never talk to this asshole again)

The simplest explanation is always the one that gets you beaten up.

I want someone to share my ups and downs... and ins and outs... and 

...okay, you figured out I mean sex huh?

YOU'RE NOT SO SMART!

I would beat Usain Bolt by 50 yards in a footrace to yo mama's ass.
*gets beaten up by you while Usain Bolt watches and laughs*

I feel better when I eat vegetables and fruit. But cheese pizza is worth the stomach discomfort so screw that crap.

I don't care... who famous people... are screwing... I don't care... who famous people... are screwing... I don't care...

Okay?

"If you fall off the horse...get right back up there!"
- People who have a "fall off of large animals" fetish

LOL @people who don't know that politicians see them as disposable.

Dollar Stores... you are the best.

*buys brakes, uses them, realizes too late that it's a candy called "brakes", crashes*

I love telling the religious people that come to my door that I'm Buddhist. They haven't come up with a canned retort for that yet.

This water fits into this bottle AND this cup. They're DIFFERENT shapes! How does that happen!?

*gets sidekicked by the ghost of Bruce Lee*

My cousin's cat is here, It's gonna be pissed when it wakes up with my ass in it's face.

Don't. Hit. People.

I tend to gather information and think for myself so...

...no, I don't want to join your cult/ideology etc.  Also, fuck you.

Politicians shouldn't have their salary reduced every time they lie.

They'd SOON understand the poor better...

All bikes are stationary if you get run over by a car.

I saw the guy at the carwash had some money to the birds from the tree above my parking spot. Yeah... now I know the truth.

IT'S ON NOW!!

If I had a time machine, I'd use it to reconnect with all of the REAL friends I've had throughout my life.

Oh, and win the lottery.

Make sure BOTH of your balls are in your selfie. One is already jealous of the other because of the height discrepancy.

I take extra showers just to have an excuse to feel myself up.

Burger King is leaving the country because...well I'm not sure...but that King looks like he did something bad... really bad. Look at him...

I will stop charging hot women money to get it on with me starting in 2015.

I Want to start a trend. Instead of screaming "Oh god!" scream "I've had about enough of you!" just before orgasms. It's funny and true!

As a compassionate human being, be available to help those in need. I am. I saw how much trouble your mom had getting her bra off. I helped.

You're trying too hard, calm down...

SIX bullets? Pussy. 

- 50 Cent learns of the Suge Knight shooting.

So, kids are setting themselves on fire now huh? We used to fuck. We win.

Chris Brown Shot At, Suge Knight Hit At Pre-VMA party.

Rihanna...WHY!?!

Suge Knight GOT SHOT!

I am not writing one joke about that shit.

I'm back baby!

Hey guys, it's me, "The S. man" and I'm moving my podcast and weird things I think up blog back here. Yeah, I'm returning to my original blog home.

Yes... I'm back baby!!!! Get ready!

**********

I would like to be a whore for a corporate sponsor...but they want a long term relationship and I just want some corporate ass. Yeah...

I don't have it in me to hate you because of race, gender, sexuality, religion etc.
I only hate those who won't bang me or give me money.

Ladies, cellulite holds the whipped cream and frosting I spread on your butts in one place, so no need to get rid of it. It works for me.

Okay Google...

*waits a long time*

"WHAT!?!"
- Google

Your mom is like a Toyota Camry, parked in front of my house and occasionally covered in bird shit.

NEW Facebook app. Nope.

Saw a guy charge his mom $50 to shovel her snow. Loser. Not me baby! I'd just steal $20 out of her purse. Yeah $20...I mean, she's family.

Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER

What they REALLY want to say:

Gambling problem? GREAT! Your money will be MINE soon bitches!

Why should I pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming? I'm getting spanked IN the dream.

The football season is almost over, I'd better get out the flashcards so I can relearn my relative's faces.

Hi, when you drive way too fast you endanger me. So, maybe, I should randomly practice my side kick near your face.

"GOLDEN showers" can only be given by someone who is dehydrated. An adequately hydrated person would just give you a "Shower"... of pee.

I need to start paying attention to people so I'll know who to be disappointed in.

*decides not to keep promise to dead relative, relative comes to life and kicks my ass... I change my mind and keep promise*

You know those girlfriends that are ALWAYS hugging you, climbing on you, touching you and sitting in your lap?

I would like one...NOW!

I yell "Omaha! Omaha!" when I change sexual positions. I also do it when I actually have a woman with me...

LAST call for alcohol, FIRST call for WEED!!!!!!

- Bartenders in Colorado

Most guys get mad when women shout instructions during sex but not me, I love hearing their input on the lighting and camera angles...

*catches self in mirror, does finger guns, realizes he's not wearing pants, now understands the reason for the applause outside*

I will NEVER finish my bucket list. First of all, I'm sure the Williams sisters would say NO to numbers 6-27, so...there's that.

I'm working on an app that makes your phone melt if you do selfies.

A soft kiss and a warm hug goes a long way... toward sending you to jail.
Make sure it's your lady and not someone in the same coat.

Look, if I feel my own ass in public, that's MY business lady!
Jealous?

I'm too big to ride the dog. Also, I don't have a dog, my neighbor does. He also has a temper.

I have lost so much weight since the food poisoning. I think I have a NEW weight loss infomercial idea...

I impress hot women MOST when I don't try to. My cuteness, awesome skills in the sack & potential for riches are things they find out LATER.

Waking up in bed next to a stranger is much better than waking up this dumpster with my topless grandpa. That man will throw a rave ANYWHERE!

Hey, guy selling illegal movie DVD's, do you have any music cassettes or news anchors with integrity or pinto keys in that bag?

Don't you wish you were rich, famous and powerful enough to treat people how you really want to?

Not me, I do that now.

"Love is a battlefield"
- Pat Benatar song or something said by the worst neighbors ever

When I'm at the urinal, I shake my body and keep my penis still. It doesn't work that way.

I've never gotten food poisoning from junk food.

That's all I'm saying...

Don't trust a dentist that unbuckles his pants as he puts the gas mask on you. Also, no one gets dental work lying on their stomach.

Dear future employers, if you're reading this, CONGRATS, I'M BONING YOUR WIFE! You are one lucky guy! She's awesome. She's also leaving you.

If you reach for your dream and fall short, we will laugh, say I told you so and rub it in until you hate us.

- Family

*crickets*

- Crickets

Did YOU get your daily prostate exam?

What do you mean they're NOT DAILY?

What do you mean the crossing guard lady doesn't do it?

I like to leave the empty boxes of expensive electronics outside of empty homes because criminals need practice and oh yeah, fuck them!

I'm an Independent voter. I think for myself. Scared? Good.

"I don't see ANY GOLD titties! LIARS!!!"

- Dumb guy watching the Golden Globes

Just lifted weights. I'm typing this with my nose.

People, congress... doesn't... like you. Understand?

I'm a little pissed that MY booty selfies aren't as popular as some of the female ones.

Ladies, your lack of interest smacks of SEXISM!!!!!

Wouldn't it be hilarious if the "Devil" just turned out to be a nerd with an anger problem?

You're not a REAL man if you have never slurped your woman's boobs just for the fun of it and not to get her into bed.

The muscles in my face that I use to pretend that I care are starting to hurt.

Oh, "Flash mob", NOT "Flash the mob".... well, that does cut down on the ass whippings and shootings...

Pro tip: If a cab driver tells you that you "took too long", DON'T say "Yeah well your mother takes it long". They don't like that.

"The BEST is not always the most popular" - Unpopular people

So, can you get these crocodile tears out of the carpet? - The Maury Show producers to the rug cleaner backstage

Say it, don't spray it, and definitely don't spit in my face on purpose screaming DIE DIE DIE!

I have never felt more "Fuck this shit"-y than I do right now.

Party crash? Nope. Start my own party, enjoy the people there and not give a damn about everyone not attending? Yup.

An Apple device a day, keeps the next tax bracket away.

I love Applebee’s & Chili’s because their menus look like food a 20 year old would make the first day after going shopping for himself.

My mirror just whispered "Thank you" to me.
Yeah...

When I sleep with a lady, I give her 50 extra orgasms on Thursday because I'm usually to busy to see them on weekends.

When a drunk friend vomits on your rug and falls asleep on your couch, it should be illegal to NOT write on his face and the post pictures.

No Google images, don't warn people about pictures of a person's surgery when they look up something innocuous. Nope, not gross at all.

Know how a light bulb pops up over your head when you get a good idea? I use fluorescents now so I REMEMBER the good ideas.

You know the commercial where the athlete wears a Beats headset to drown out the angry crowd?

Girlfriends hate that shit and will hit you.

My life will amount to nothing until these social media sites give me a verified identity check next to my name...

Yeah... the dream.

If you're over 30 and someone hits you with a snowball, you should get to smack that person IN THE HEAD. Even if it's not the same day.

The air in a 50 cent bag of chips must be expensive as hell.

Snow...sucks....

*realizes that it will keep his family from stopping by*

Snow...RULES!

I watch the movie 300 so I can see what it's like to be HALF the man I am.

I GREEN tea bag my girlfriend because it's healthier.

You get the SAME smack if you pinch or caress a strange woman's ass...and the same laugh from me when she and her dude whip your ass loser.

You can make a really nice wig if you dumpster dive behind a Brazilian wax studio.

I'm just saying...

Dear "Rock bottom", keep it down up there! Some of us are trying....ahahaha! Just kidding. If we actually tried we wouldn't be down here!

Every time congress speaks, they sound like the police captain that "doesn't get it" when the hero warns them in every bad 80's cable movie.

I'm doing the *reverse cowboy with your sister.

*treating Native Americans with respect and not shooting people

Happy New Year!!!!