If you've ever used the phrase ". I don't care how many people she's stabbed... look at that ass!", you're not setting me up on a date.

Wouldn't it be funny if the world ended at 6 pm but your life sucked so much you didn't notice? Huh, anyone?

Facebook now changes the ads on your page instantly according to what you post. My screen now looks like a strip club. Good job Facebook!!!

I want to be a family values politician. They get all the booty.

If there are any attractive virgins who want some tantric lovin' BEFORE the world ends, I would be more than happy to get it on with you.

By very popular request, I am now offering my end of the world tantric lovin' offer to NON-virgins also.

What's the difference between Mitt Romney and a credit card? Give up? A magnetic strip and a VISA logo...because they're both plastic.

Hey Santorum, McCain could STILL kick your punk ass. Seriously. He could. He still might even after your weak apology.

THIS is the guy that has people thinking the world is ending!?! THIS guy? His other big pronouncements?…”Those kids WON’T get off my lawn!” & “Peeing hurts!"

Tomorrow, worldwide, outdoor, flash mob, mega-power-banging at 6:01. WHO'S WITH ME!?!

Hey Glamour magazine, I just heard about your "Engagement Chicken" and I'm making some "Threesome with your hot friend torts" for dessert.

Anyone who thinks that elections aren't stolen...check out WI & OH. Blatant, disgusting, cowardly...(Insert your word here)

The world ends Saturday, ANYTHING to keep Oprah on the air huh?

#WI Brett Favre showed his d*ck, Governor Walker shows his ass*. (*If you're not familiar with that term, let me know)

I'm planning on doing a lot of consolation screwing starting 6:30 Saturday.

S. Anthony says...(Good Man)

Ladies, here's some advice from a "Good Man". When you see us do something nice or special for our lady, FOR EXAMPLE:

Notice her wince when she moves her neck and WITHOUT thinking begin to massage her or rub her feet.

Arrive when he says he will.

Actually be able to cook.

NOT be annoyed (outwardly) when "The Girls" are over AGAIN.

Being happy only f*cking HER, and doing it OFTEN and BRILLIANTLY.

Etc...

Please DON'T say stupid sh!t like, "Boy, you've got him trained!" It's NOT funny. Some of us came out of the box that way. To an evolved man it's as insulting to us as being objectified is to you. Thanks.

P.S. This does not apply to you if you give us some booty on the side. (C'mon, you knew I was going to throw a joke in here somewhere!)

Jack Kevorkian Hospitalized. Too easy....

Just installed SPEAKIT! from the Chrome app store. Now your dirty posts are read by a young woman's voice. Sorry hookers, it's cheaper.

As a young man it weirded me out how hard women stretched and pulled their nips when I was up in them. Now, I judge my performance by that. My ex used to tie me to the bed with hers. Yeah, I'm THAT GOOD!

I'm back! Who wants to make out!?! Not YOU Arnold Schwarzenegger!

I'm banging Arnold Schwarzenegger. NO, YOU'RE desperate for attention!!!

I've "Been with" a few nannies already, so, future wife, don't worry. I've gotten the nanny banging out of my system already. #notfamousyet

When do we vote on Microsoft, Google and Apple subsidies?

Google "Santorum" RIGHT NOW!!!! Hahahahahahahaha! So appropriate!Hahahahahahahaha!

If THESE politicians are the ILLUMINATI...no thanks. I didn't know that ILLUMINATI translated to "Rich d-bags"

You should see the discussions on my Facebook page when I post political jokes. People have fights that don't even involve ME, but I watch.

No Microsoft, I love waiting 7 years for my computer to boot up. Don't solve THAT problem. Just give me more pretty colors!

I've NEVER cheated, It's not worth it. Convince her to get it on with the stripper WITH YOU. (The more you know....)

Political wives, I am offering MY service to you. I will happily sleep with you to help you get back at your husbands. Also, I just want sex

How long after I'm famous should I wait to sell out?

Regarding that last post, I didn't write it. My servant's, servant's, butler's, assistant's, intern did. (This post sponsored by Pepsi)

You guys didn't really think Trump was running...did you?

Breaking News! Trump says he will personally UNLOCK the NFL players after chanting "Look at me!" for an hour outside of his casino film @ 11

Donald Trump, please say that you're boning John Ensign, please! It'll get you ATTENTION!....

KFC $5 meals. $5 foot longs at Subway. Prostitutes, it's YOUR move.

For those that are new, I mix politics, off color humor and random stupid crap effortlessly. You have now been warned.

Don't have coaches repeat the same two things to sideline reporters, let them just hold up a finger to let us know which one they mean.

I can't wait until next year's "Get a foul called on you and NOT make faces and cry like a 5yr old" competition at the NBA All Star Game.

Angry girlfriends/boyfriends, DON'T threaten to leave after EVERY argument. Either they eventually won't take you seriously...or they WILL.

Bin Laden's wives... Dancing with The Stars....Yes, I'd watch.

Wait a minute? Bad things are happening in Pakistan? 60 minutes, why am I just hearing of this!?!

I'm thinking of boning John Ensign, I'm not gay but everybody else is doing it and I hate being left out.

I choke out a couple people on my lawn and all of a sudden my cousin's dates are "Scared of ME" WHY!?!

"No, YOU hang up first!" "No, YOU hang up first!" - 2 very polite auto erotic asphyxiation practitioners

Newt Gingrich, making syrup of ipecac obsolete since 94'

Mike Huckabee announces that he will NOT run for President. In OTHER news, I have decided NOT to challenge Dwight Howard to a dunk contest.

Not to be outdone by "Botox mom", "Ass cheek implant Dad" releases photos. Film at 11.

People leaving Planet Hollywood get progressively fatter, people who enter Hollywood get skinnier...CONSPIRACY!!!!

Charlie Sheen replaces Ashton Kutcher in his marriage. REVENGE!!! Film AT 11!

In retaliation, Charlie Sheen digitally puts himself into reruns of that 70's show. Film at 11!

Karl Rove, Common ISN'T a thug rapper. You've typecast one of the most enlightened rappers out there. Know your subject, ignorant Bigot.

Don't say something mean to a stranger and look at me to co-sign, because I'll say something to YOU that someone else WILL co-sign, a-hole.

I don't want to hear any more about Pippa's butt or boobs! If they aren't in my bed covered in whipped cream and my saliva I DON'T CARE!!!

Bristol Palin. Plastic surgery. I feel bad for her. If you have esteem problems, the last thing you need is to be in the Hollywood machine.

Google. Chrome book? $430? Why not have a low price and get it into everyone's hands? You're going to "ad" people to death anyway mofos!

If I'm watching a show that you know I love...don't interrupt me with minutia, I'm not the ONLY one here that took that CPR class! RUDE!

The law of diminishing returns. Yup, THAT.

My laptop works much better now that I've throw it down the steps. You should try it!

Hey Botox mom, you know that in 15 years you'll be the subject of a 48 hours mystery, right?

Microsoft acquires for 2 billion dollars the advertising rights to the exposed body parts of extremely attractive people. Film at 11!

MY recycle people are now in the lead for the 2011 recycle bin smashing championship. Yeah, MINE. I know you're jealous! Deal with it!

Microsoft just bought my cousin's lemonade stand. Freaking showoffs. Now I have to wait 30 minutes for my 4 teaspoons of sugar to download.

It's also neighborly to know when you should shut the hell up.

Corporations have finally figured out how to manufacture "Viral" videos. Guess they got tired of just f-ing up TV, movies, music...

Possessing pictures of your hot neighbor taken from the P.O.V. of her closet, DISQUALIFIES you from the town watch. Ironic, huh?

They called Common a "Vile" rapper. Wait until they find out that Dr Dre is the new surgeon General.

Rapper reading poetry to kids, VILE. Billionaires making it hard to feed kids by buying anti-union politicians, OK. *writing that down*

If you are a Billionaire and you wear clothes of any kind on the bottom half of your body, you are a loser.

Is Kate Middleton's sis Pippa pretty? Yes. But I see women just as pretty in Starbucks. Why not...talk to/drool over one of THEM instead?

If brits are "Mesmerized" by Pippa Middleton's ass, then Serena & Kim K must cause spontaneous immolations.

Newt Gingrich announces his run for President. I'm announcing my plans for a threesome with Halle & Serena. I've got a better chance.

Sorry Newt, you are not racist or crazy enough to compete for the Presidency. Your time has passed, your hair too normal...

Boobs and butt cheeks taste the same...although the edge goes to butt cheeks ladies, because I simulate nipples with Hershey's kisses. Yup.

I'm going to call the 800 number of one of these daytime shows. Apparently they will have valuable offers for me.

Hey 20 something, not everyone driving down the street is looking at YOU. Look up, see that? It's called a street sign.

Hey extremely talkative person, repeat that boring and simple story AGAIN.

Congress doesn't like YOU...It'll still f*ck you though. There's your buyers remorse on the dresser. Turn off the lights as you leave.

Happy Mother's Day! And to those of you that aren't moms... *checks breath* *in voice of Joey from Friends* How you doin?

Thank you Genie Bra infomercial for giving men permission to look at delicious breasts for 30 minutes...and giving us the I'm buying one for you excuse if we get caught.

YOUR religion isn't better than someone else's. Oh, and while you're at church that guy is boning your wife AND daughter WHO ARE CONVERTING.

Wait FREE HD....for LIFE!?! Alright! Wait, FREE COLOR AND SOUND for LIFE too!?! Cable company, you are TOO generous!

I make exact duplicates of women's buttocks to practice on before I enter the real thing. #genitalteamsix

Singers of the world, advertising agencies, STOP doing covers of James Brown songs. He's cooler that you will ever be. Use the real thing.

YOU ARE THE HARBORER!!!! - Pakistan failing a lie detector test after the USA takes them on the MAURY show

Special message. Ladies, if we are in a romantic relationship and you're not on your period...I want IN. SURPRISE!!!!

In addition to the "Employees must wash hands" sign, how about an "Employees please don't drip sweat in the food" sign? Thanks.

If you lie to me, say goodbye to me. #yup

Even if you try to name it a "low five to the butt cheeks"...you will still get your ass beaten on the subway.

As I look around at the people around me, all I can say is "Helloooooo Peter Principle!"

Stick with cardio. You can't burn fat in the microwave. Also, you cannot fit in a microwave. Write that down so you won't forget.

Hey, sports radio...enough bin laden talk from YOU!!!!

I had a discussion with my mom about the need for critical thinking classes in schools. She agreed with me that they should exist, and also that a system designed to manufacture "wage slaves", would never create within it the keys to the chains that bind. Yeah, my mom and I are cool and smart.

When I watch cable news, I start to think that it's time to open a tin foil hat franchise...business will boom now!

It's funny how much that I want to sleep with famous women until I meet them. Then, I want to sleep with them VERY much. Yup.

When banks merge, who sleeps in the wet spot afterward?

I released my birth certificate. It came back. It must love me.

It's okay to vote for a smart guy who gives a damn. Remember that.

Coffee is good, this sucks, work blows and...huh? This ISN'T Monday? Nevermind.

So, tall dark and handsome is what you want huh? Is two out of three okay? I can wear boots if you want.... ;-)

This congress doesn't pick your pocket, it also takes your pants, and gives you a prostate exam....you too ladies!

Even if you agree ideologically with this congress you must realize, just like the mob, eventually they'll get you too. Dig?

I was going to watch the GOP debate but there are two drunk guys outside having an armpit farting duel. I'm not the type who wastes time.

Medicare for ALL! Also, beer!

I've become a little too nice and courteous during the last 5 years. I need to say something inappropriate... uh, your mom...is...a real sweetheart. DAMMIT! I'll try again later.

Writer's block? No. Editor's block? Yup.

Condi Rice on Lawrence O'Donnell. Hahahahahaha! C'mon. Still? Still saying that!?! How can you be blind in HINDSIGHT!?!

My car is parked under my tree, my tree sheds pink flowers, every time I go somewhere it looks like I was the pace car at a Hindu wedding.

Breaking News! S. Anthony Thomas has chosen NOT to release the death photos of his last relationship. Full story at 11!

Meryl Streep to play Osama Bin Laden in bio pic. She...is...good.

I also yell "Geronimo, geronimo, geronimo!", after I "Shoot". Ladies?

WARNING!! The next person that responds to what is obviously a joke with a serious response...is getting pimp slapped. You have been warned.

Political dialog in this country has made lobotomies moot. Childish, irrational, willful ignorance has become the norm. Too bad.

I've seen too much porn in my life. I saw an attractive older blonde & my first though was "She looks like the star of a MILF vs BBC video"

Going from SHEETS to SUITS or EPITHETS to EUPHEMISMS is fooling NO ONE. Racists... *said in sing song manner*...we...see...you.

90 minutes. Ladies?

One source of information = intellectual laziness = lack of critical thinking = xenophobia =

un-evolved human being = hateful, scared bully

Hey NFL owners, YOU aren't crippled at 35. Stop being f*cking greedy. How would you like it if the FANS locked YOU out?

Hey congress, gay people AREN'T scary....thought you should know. YOU on the other hand...

Limit YOURSELF. I'm NOT interested in that, you can also take your labels...my rapid personal evolution makes them instantly moot.

Well, there goes Osama Bin Laden's MTV reality show.

When you see someone wince with EVERY step, DON'T ask them if their back still hurts...or I'll drop kick you!

Hey d-bags that rob Rite Aides for drugs...I've got three words for you...."Hospital Toilet Water". Discuss.

Your sister is NO LONGER on my bucket list. #fightingwords

Do you think that the janitors got extra pay for sweeping up trump's face off of the floor after the correspondents dinner?

Special message to the "News" reporters on cable and bloggers who WILL disrespect Lara Logan even after her 60 minutes interview. Fuck you.

Osama Bin Laden Dead and will star in Weekend at Bernie's 3 this summer.

Osama Bin Laden dead, Waldo IMMEDIATELY releases mocking letter to US. Film AT 11!

In a stunning bit of irony, George Bush finds out about Bin Laden's death while reading a copy of "My pet goat"

Osama Bin Laden (Insert joke here, I'm tired already...)