New Years Eve!!!

IKEA., f*ck you & your kindergarten coloring book assembly instructions. If you catch on fire I hope the hose is UNASSEMBLED and from IKEA!

What do you think the over/under is on the percentage of twitter regulars that will wake up with an STD or kidney-less tomorrow morning?

Oprah interviewing J.K. Rowling. Two billionaires. Yes I would. So would you. Don't lie.

I've reached rock bottom...it has cable. It's only BASIC cable? Screw this, I'm going to become successful!

Happy revenge sex night! Huh? New Years? That's a thing? Oh. Well, happy THAT too.

Goodbyes...

I'll be saying goodbye to a lot of people...and things in a day or so. A life that is improved is sometimes a life that has been streamlined. There are times, upon reflection, when you realize that you DO NOT have as many friends as you thought. That's not always a bad thing. It sure isn't in my case. But if you really think about it, what makes a person a friend to you? It's merely a pattern of actions, reactions & habits. Once those things change...your feelings about that person change.

This change can be caused by something awful, drugs, bad choices etc. Or something wonderful, positive evolution, spiritual growth (If you believe in such things), trial and error etc. I've changed. I no longer fit in with MANY of the people around me. I've (Get ready for a Matrix reference in 3...2...1...) taken the red pill. (See, told ya). Life is what you make of it, and if you look at my resume it's pretty impressive...but I'm capable of exponentially more...and I shall have it.

Starting in a day or so, all "Adipose Tissue" will be expelled, permanently. (Hey, don't be a smarty pants...I'm speaking metaphorically. Although, I could stand to lose a few lbs...damn it. No more digressing!) Wish me luck. This will be a difficult journey, but I'm up to the task. It's life changing time!!! *insert 80's era rock montage culminating with a smiling me driving off triumphantly to a promising new future...but leave enough of a question about the future for a sequel...* (Damn it! I'm going to shut up now.)

SEE YA IN 2011!!!!

Special message to women who do the "Hot School girl" look....cut it out. That crap is gross and weirds me out. Thanks.

Maury...DAILY paternity tests, Regis....works with Kelly Ripa (Lots of kids). What's with old white dudes on TV and pregnant women?

I'm practicing my drop kick in preparation for the next unreasonable request for my time from my relatives...

I am so glad that Tucker Carlson didn't become a traffic cop.

Singapore style caning = END of prison overcrowding AND hot new reality series on MTV. You're welcome world!

I want a nude Angelina Jolie & Halle Berry to play ME in the movie of my life. No resemblance, but if I'm producer, I get to be on the set.

If there weren't so many that blindly follow them, it would be more amusing to watch cable news anchors try to "out stupid" each other.

Special message to "Over Explainers", shut up! When speaking to other adults, you DON'T need to OVER explain simple concepts. You've dealt with this haven't you? I loathe having an annoying conversation stretched out by someone going "...I just don't have enough money. It's like my bills come in and I can't pay them! You know what I mean, right? It's like when i'm grocery shopping, I can't get the name brands! I mean, I want to get my hair done but it costs too much....." Yeah, I got the point when you told me that you didn't have enough money!

"Hey girl, I don't know what would taste better, your tattoos or the boobs under them!" #pickuplinesthatshouldstayinyourhead

Sorry Tucker Carlson....you've got to be a little MORE crazy to catch up with the others. But nice try.

Man oh man, if this Stromboli had boobs I'd....hold on...it's food sculpting time!

Vagina. The one invention that seems to be beyond obsolescence.

I realize now, that I will NEVER have sex with an 18 year old EVER again. Wait...when I was 18, I was sleeping with 28 year old women...nevermind.

Validation. Appreciated, but not needed, enjoyed but not chased, addicting...but I AM NOT addicted.

Special message to the cheaters out there, over and above the disrespect inherent in the cheating itself...you are putting the health of you spouse or significant other at risk. Think about that the next time you smack genitals with the other person. Just saying...oh, and fuck you.

Have you ever seen someone in an ordinary job that was so beautiful, it was like seeing a superhero in their secret identity?

Shout out to the lady in the SUV 2 inches from my bumper on the black ice... you missed ME! Enjoy your future accidents, they ARE coming.

Mike Vick & Dogs, Kim K's ass, Jersey Shore, cable news, celebrity dating news....oh, I'm just working on my "Fuck it" list...

I'm having a salad with my dinner and working out tonight like Sarah Palin doesn't want me to.

If someone parks in a spot that you dug out of the snow, how long can you keep them in your trunk before it's kidnapping?

S. Anthony says... (Not Anymore)

How many among you, have people (Adults) in their lives that make so many requests for your time that you CAN'T complete tasks that are important to YOU?

How many of you then are pushed to the point that even the nicest among you have to begin to routinely deny those requests so you can merely "Live YOUR life"?

How many of you, after denying those ridiculous requests, then have the person or people become extremely passive aggressive? (By that I mean, allowing problems that THEY could solve, fester to the point that they become an emergencies thus FORCING you to help)

Fuck these people! That is all.

Anyone that can go from 0-the world is ending in two seconds...STFU and stay away from me. You are annoying.

Anyone that can go from 0-the world is ending in two seconds...STFU and stay away from me. You are annoying.

Haley Barbour probably pleasures himself to the movie "Roots"

I make my money selling Clichés to Maury Povich paternity test guests. Right now "Step up and be a father" is my hottest seller.

To make ME feel guilty, I first have to acknowledge your existence. That's too high a price to pay. #wordsofwisdom

Too many cellphone camcorders = you can NO LONGER lie about getting it on with a hottie in a church parking lot... they say...

With a new year coming up, the new congress will be in and they can finally start helping everyday Americans....HAHAHAHAHAHA! I tried!!

I need to borrow some money. My website wikimouthshut didn't work out as well as I'd hoped.

I get back to the east just in time for a snow storm. I should NOT have said "A little" when mother nature asked if her ass looked fat.

Do you know who's REALLY happy about Hugh Hefner's new bride? The pool boy. That is going to be a clean, clean, clean pool.

I guess, for the first time in her life she'll REALLY be able to f*ck the sh!t out of someone! #hughhefnersfiancée

Relatives that I COULDN'T get rid of now HAVE to go just before the snow starts... punk asses don't want to shovel. I'll remember that.

New Years resolutions? No. Definite goals and relentless implementation of positive actions leading to their completion? Yes.

It's bad enough to see writing in the snow...I DON'T want to know why or HOW someone corrected the spelling in RED.

How was I supposed to react to this compliment from an ex? "Your balls always smelled so good!" All I could think of was "Uh, thanks..."

Drama free Christmas family gathering. This of course means that my house will explode on January 1st.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!!!

Yes angel, show me their lives if I was never born. Wow, they still suck. Okay, show me a three way with me and the Williams sisters.

The guy who tied up my tree for the roof of my car was a little too efficient. I'd check his basement for bodies. Just saying...

Oh crap, I'm running late... *stops, remembers that I work for myself, sits back down* Nevermind.

For your future reference DO NOT say "You're right man, she is a real b*tch sometimes!" When giving your buddy and his wife a ride home.

I buy my tree on Christmas eve, that way I can haggle on the price. Also, I have weapons and large mean looking friends.

I have NEVER paid to have sex. NEVER. I do however have generous friends who love to share.

I love you guys, ALL of you. Thanks. (Editors note: When I become famous, you will be replaced with sycophants.)

♫On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me♫...I really don't know, I soundproofed the cellar. I need to get speakers installed.

Ow! Just kidding voodoo isn't real. But those guys from the psych ward are...see ya. Thanks for signing everything over to me. #evilsibling

Hey teens, the difference between YOU and ADULTS.... we're smart enough to change our body language when we're conspiring. You're grounded!

I've actually licked MORE champagne off of women than I've had out of glasses. More from asses than glasses. Yeah, I rap.

Practical jokes and on duty police officers DON'T mix. That is all.

Ever seen your trash ripped up by cats and wish a young serial killer in the making was in town? *Looks around, no agreement* Me neither...

Why do entertainers copy CONTEMPORARY artists? If they're still in the "Young and Hot" stage of their career...we want THEM, not YOU! If you copy someone in the "Legend" portion of their career, that's different. You can play on the nostalgia, you can actually be considered complimenting the artist. You know what's even BETTER? COME UP WITH YOUR OWN SHIT!!!!!

Did you know that pitching pennies is illegal in some places? In unrelated news, nailing two hookers in a parking lot in illegal EVERYWHERE!

So, it's almost Christmas and the whole family is mad at each other...Santa, please keep it going through the holiday. Nothing is on TV!

The jokes on YOU Maury show producer, I'm NOT the father because I had booty lovin' with her. So there! *Hangs up* #youknowthishappenedonce

Breaking fake news! McConnell & Kyl block the door of a Ronald McDonald house after learning that they help kids and DON'T sell burgers.

It's NOT fondling if it's with your face lady. If you're going to be a tattle tale at least be accurate!

I thought her sex was so good that I was seeing god, but it was just her grandpa who's combo fetish is voyeurism and wearing mining hats.

I was PIMP SLAPPED by the Dalai Lama as Tony Robbins WHISPERED that he COULDN'T help me. #everythingisbackwardstoday

Please only thank Jesus once per sentence. Even he doesn't want to hear it as much as YOU say it...and yes, I do want fries with that.

I wonder if Sarah Palin has lots of LIPITOR stock? It sure would explain a few things... (Let's see who is up on current events) ;-)

Ladies, how long until a hug with a guy becomes weird? What if he's bottomless...on the subway...quickly...should I let go now or what?

You can tell how experienced your lady is by her reaction when the whipped cream first lands on her ass.

Do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but? It doesn't matter, we're stupid, backwards and we're drowning you anyway. #witchtrial

So you CAN'T forgive Mike Vick, but you WOULD vote for Bush if he ran again? WTF?

I'm going to the McCain Christmas party. I can't wait for when he changes his mind and bans the gifts at the last minute. Good times.

Hey, person who keeps giving me attitude & mean looks hoping to get me to return the favor...you amuse me, but nice try.

I'd like to give a shout out to the pot hole that the tailgater didn't see. Thanks, and I hope that the fender that you ate was delicious.

"Don't let the doorknob hit you, where the good lord split you" is not JUST a saying....and no, I will NOT pay YOUR hospital bill.

Even nice guys sometimes have to knock a motherf*cker out. #icouldNEVERbepresident

I'd better hurry up and get a dog so I can "accidently" let him loose on carolers that miss a note.

Tom Coburn would block a windpipe if the President was for it...and he's a Doctor!

You're against good childhood nutrition Mrs. Palin? How are the people who used to ridicule doctors for washing their hands between surgeries treated by history? Exactly...

The side effect to the medicine that I'm taking for my cold is "Vibrating Genitals" Ladies?

Haley Barbour says that the civil rights era in Mississippi "Wasn't that bad" *in his ear* You're WHITE jackass! Try being BLACK back then!

Breaking Fake news! Haley Barbour says "There was 100% employment for the poor during slavery", wants to try it again. Film at 11.

I love listening to people complain about how crappy politicians are as if they had nothing to do with it. You did you know.

Dear "Smart phone", going out of your way to show how much you know about me makes you a "Smart ass phone"....and still NOT waterproof. Dig?

In her next movie Angelina Jolie plays a really hot (Insert Job) that (Insert activity). Really, does it matter? I'm still going.

John McCain to filibuster puppy dogs. No one tells him that you can't do that...they just laugh. Film at 11!

Sorry John (McCain) you can't get away with saying crazy, stupid crap like Sarah Palin because no one wants to f*ck YOU.

Uh, ladies who take topless pictures but cover their vaginas...we want to SEE your boobs and get IN your vagina. Just letting you know.

Movie companies, stop putting songs in the commercials that have NOTHING to do with and are NOT in the movie. Dickheads.

Can we please skip dinner with family Christmas and go straight to sweaty pounding sex new years eve?

I have a special driver's license that lets the TSA know that my balls have been PRE-FONDLED. Jealous?

Someone please tell this teen to pull up his pants so the rest of us don't have to suffer through any more of his "chia ass".

It's amazing how people will be on their best behavior for strangers, but will shit all over friends and family. I call those people "Gone".

Animals can HAVE SEX on TV. I just LICK one TV reporter on the boob and it's "Cut! Mr. Thomas, we can't use this segment!" Double Standard!

This new reality show "Count the Senate Homophobes" on MSNBC sucks. Is there anything else on? #DADT

John McCain. Really? Today with that nonsense. Circa 2000 John McCain wouldn't even talk to you.

Breaking News! McGruff the crime dog was seen betting $100 dollars on the Philadelphia Eagles. Apparently all is forgiven, Film at 11!

Would I have sex with EVERY woman in the world if they'd let me? No. My mom is a woman. But the rest of you...

I hate visiting relatives in the hospital. You walk in the room...and they're pointing you out to the cops...

A black president, DADT repealed...the groups bigots use to divide us are shrinking. Although, a redhead moved into my neighborhood! NO!!!!

Just a thought...

Why do people dismiss excellence, thinking that it is an aberration when we see it? Mediocrity is burned into who we are now. How else would you explain the people that "LEAD" us? This level of inaccuracy, incompetence, arrogance, evil and blatant greed would NEVER be allowed in the "Real world". Why do we allow it in DC? Don't we deserve better? Don't we deserve excellence?

I guess not.

If I'm disrespected by someone, a line is crossed. Not just a line of acceptable behavior, but a line through their name in my address book.

Have you ever seen a new relationship start, look at the couple and just know that cats and small animals are going to start disappearing?

If you're doing your hair & won't leave the bathroom to those who MUST go, you should be publicly pimp slapped as a warning to ALL A-holes!

Sometimes parents, it's okay to give up on your kids. If you saw this group, you'd think the same thing...

Dude, did your ear, nose and throat doctor cut back to just ear and throat? Put you arms down! You really can't smell that!?!

I just used a CLEAN public bathroom. Well, it WAS. Thank you and good night! Tip your waitress, no not money, knock her over! Thank you...

I'm like a sponge. No, I don't learn things easily, I'm wet, on the sink and partially nibbled on by mice.

TSA = The minor leagues for fluffers.

My nephews tease me because I have MOBILE web. I told them "I'll have full web & your phones when my sister sends you to military school."

I was everything she wanted but RICH, he was rich but not ME. I WILL be rich, he'll NEVER be ME. Nope, don't want you back. *BLOCKS NUMBER*

If anal ever gets really popular, Maury will have NO guests.

Mike Vick wants a dog? Really? You should avoid being in the same sentence with that word. You shouldn't even walk past Randy Jackson bro.

Hey, cellphone companies, I'm not on the bomb squad. It's okay if the lame email jokes get to me one second later. Relax with all the "G's".

Special message to the moron that tailgated me for 4 miles on the icy, slick road...I sooo hope to see you on the news later tonight.

If any of my former girlfriends release one of our old sex tapes I want "This is how we do it" to be on the soundtrack album.

So, window washing fluid is NOT the captured urine of widow washers who haven't lost their fear of heights? I guess I am the weird one.

Hi voters, there are people in the government that don't care if your fellow citizens live or die...probably wanna do something about that.

So, in retrospect setting my phone to camcorder mode and taping it to my shoe was BAD idea...as was being bottomless.

A hooker who takes coupons is a hooker with a heart of gold.

Hey ex, the next woman I sleep with thanks you. If I can turn a frigid shrew into a leg shaking screamer, a woman with a soul will be easy.

Well, I guess those were NOT sea shells she was selling down by the seashore...unless you were using the worlds worst euphemism.

Uh, couples that are REALLY happy don't have to be so loud and obnoxious about their love via cellphone. The clock is ticking ass wipes.

Hey ex, the next woman I sleep with thanks you. If I can turn a frigid shrew into a leg shaking screamer, a woman with a soul will be easy.

Weight lifting AFTER midnight...yeah, I really want my body back in shape. FEAR ME ADIPOSE TISSUE, FEAR ME!!! *evil laugh*

I knew about the Cliff Lee signing for months. Thanks wikileaks!

I wonder if Maury was ever tempted to "console" any of those distraught, bad decision making teens...

Part of me wants a sitcom...but there's an even bigger part of me that DOES NOT want to assume that people are idiots.

A divided country is full of problems. Togetherness solves them. And with those problems gone...we have more time to bang each other.

Wipe off your forehead. You've just been mindf*cked. You're welcome. Who's next?

Corn Flakes, milk & bananas for dinner...and with that I'm a shoe in for next season's "The Bachelor". Failed fake relationship here I come!

You're right. Portion control. I'll motorboat your booty tonight and your boobs tomorrow. I'll get the chocolate pudding and be right back.

Some people don't know that a favor implies that it's something that is NOT going to happen regularly. These people are called relatives.

How do hidden camera stings still work? If I'm doing something illegal I'm hiring ex TSA people to check you out BEFORE you enter.

Can we add "How NOT to Take out YOUR frustrations on other drivers because YOUR life sucks" classes to drivers ed?

NEVER live "Drop by" close to your family. That is all.

Politics disgust me. I'm starting to disbelieve evolution...because WE DON'T seem to want to evolve as a society.

Serial killers, LEAVE HOT WOMEN ALONE! In a completely unrelated topic, there are so many people in the telemarketing business...

Did you know that the dust bowl was ended when a young John Boehner was told that there was no Santa? NO, you're off by a decade and a half!

My mother NEVER threatened to wash our mouths out with soap. We were responsible kids. We washed our OWN mouths out with soap. So there! Jealous? ;-)

"...now that you've clarified your point, I realize that you are an even bigger moron than I had thought..." #notagoodstart

Every topic isn't dense enough for a 45 minute conversation. Tell the people here please, they won't listen to me.

Some people REFUSE to be happy. We call these people "Women that I was attracted to when I was in my twenties"

My taste in women has changed. I NOW like to eat LOW CAL yogurt off of their freshly showered boobs & butts. Yeah, healthy choices.

Ladies, just so you know...the following is the list of things that will stop us from sleeping with you--->Death. That is all.

The_____________________________________________Sand.

I want to travel back in time and thank the wright brothers for the 10 free testicle rubs this month. Great job guys!

You put plastic on your chairs, I'm sitting on them pants less....YOU STARTED THIS WAR GRANDMA!!! I'm gonna finish it!

Hey lady, why did you smack me? I actually DID say "Particularly nasty weather!"

The name of the Charlie Brown theme song is "Linus and Lucy"? That poor bastard Charlie brown can't even get his name in the theme song!

Phony friend purge is ALMOST complete. I'm going to start next year with the lowest "Moron in my life" count ever. Yes!

Kate Gosselin appears on Sarah Palin's TV show....ipecac syrup sales plummet. Film at 11!

"Hey NFL. You're supposed to protect ALL quarterbacks. Not just the ones you like. Thanks. " - Everyone who isn't an asshole

John Boehner and Jerry Jones both on 60 minutes. I guess this is the guys you love to hate edition.

Oh crap, I'm behind Bernie Sanders at the drive thru. This is going to take a while...

You can take the politician out of Chicago...and apparently you CAN take the "Chicago" out of the politician...

Single payer healthcare...hot women who apologize...I'm moving to Canada.

Parents getting into a fist fight in front of their kids over the "Last toy" as a shipment of the toy arrives behind them...Christmas time.

When you tie a mattress to the top of your car, be careful. I'm not going to say everything that happened, but cops will pull you over if a homeless guy is strapped to your roof... apparently. It's because I'm black isn't it!?!

I'm sorry (Insert name of celebrity that has widely covered substance abuse problem) there's only SODA in the coke machine. #tweetmadlibs

NO! Don't let Bernie Sanders say grace! Well, I'm going to be late for work tomorrow. Thanks honey! #okImdonewiththeberniesandersjokes

It's a wonderful life is on. Is it a bad sign when you think that the title is mocking you?

I only want to be a big TV star so I can do one of those "The more you know" spots. I'd be very concise. "All of the worlds problems would go away if people would just stop acting like dicks." *musical sting & animated star flourish* THE MORE YOU KNOW...

My ex nicknamed "It" "Brother in law"....think about it... (No, not because it didn't work!...because once "it" was in it stayed in!)

Some delivery guys scratched my aunt's new washer and dryer...they were so young. They could have done so much had they lived...

Real death panel...in AZ...RIGHT NOW...people HAVE died...recently...Mrs Palin...why so quiet?

I want to eat my nutritionist. Well, she IS low in fat.

Bernie Sanders doesn't fit the stereotype...but he is GANGSTA!!!

Sarah Palin to visit Haiti. In other news, Haitian boat making industry skyrockets to previously unheard of levels. Film at 11.

I love rational politicians and voters...and unicorns and the Loch Ness monster and drunk guys that don't act like dopes and....

When I get back in shape...I am going to have an orgy of epic proportions. You have all been warned.

I know, the Bernie Sanders filibuster is impressive...but I'll bet he still loses EVERY argument to his wife.

....and millions of progressives look at Bernie Sanders and say "I'll have what HE'S having!"

Special message to famous people doing bong hits. Tell your assh*le friend to put the camera away...save that for later when you're fu*king.

I don't NEED anal baby, I just want to know that I can have it without slipping this in your drin...I mean when it's not my birthday...

Stop giving press attention to the Westboro Church please. Fuck them.

Why the hell do you have the birth of your kid on your iphone? Okay, I understand...but why surprise ME with it? I'm just her godfather!

It amazing how many people only recognize the "Shut up this is the wrong time to discuss this look" when THEY'RE giving it.

Special message to hotties that only date bad boys. HA! I'll be over here overwhelming your friend (who likes us nice guys) with pleasure. Say hi to your new guy...after he's done getting your aunt pregnant.

When I see a person who's supposed to be Christian but not acting like one wear a "wwjd" bracelet I show my "nts" bracelet "Not that shit".

Breaking Fake News!! Westboro Church starts kitten punting contest because they've run out of PEOPLE to hate. Film at 11!

I'm writing a movie called "Lick those Bauls" about a guy who wants to win a bowling tournament against the "Baul" family. Take that Deniro and Stiller!

Mrs. Palin, hurry! Jan Brewer has a "Death Panel" in AZ! Stop her! Tweet or something!

A bus driver honked his horn at me because I didn't turn the corner fast enough. Apparently when you drive a bus you CAN run people over.

Just saw a commercial for a sale on electronics very similar to black Friday prices. See grandma, a sale where a helmet ISN'T necessary!

I could soooo easily beat the POTUS in poker. "No, I'm NOT going to show you my hand...you fold?" *scoops up the pot....AGAIN*

If the wikileaks supporters REALLY want to teach THE MAN a lesson...they'd wipe out all of my debts and put 10 billion in my account. Yup.

I'm going to put a fake masturbating pyromaniac in front of my fake fireplace.

Ladies, the ONLY thing that makes you look unattractive is looking pissed ALL the time. (Full disclosure: I'd still mattress dance with you)

Stealing money, leaving you ill informed, jobless, not caring about the world left to even THEIR kids...this is who you voted for. Thanks.

Prius + Aggressive driver = Hahahahahahahaha! Really?

The foreshadowing on sitcoms and reality shows is shoved in your face so hard it should be classified as assault.

Special message to guys who like to tell long stories about how tough they were 20-30 years ago...STFU!

Some people think having sex without making babies is like O'Douls beer. I've had it. I did NOT have an orgasm...the first time...

Put two fingers as close together as possible. That's how close I am from making the decision to not have kids.

Kiss & hug your lady even when you're NOT trying to get laid. It'll show her you care...and increase the oral you get during her period.

My 7 year old cousin ALMOST makes me reconsider my thoughts about NOT having kids...and thus, she's in the backyard now.

People dying, losing their homes and starving...eh. Not getting THEIR way...THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!!!! #politicianssuck

Have you read the new book "Making Emotional Pleas To Psychopaths And Other Successful strategies" by the POTUS?

I dated a lady who used a shake weight a lot. My "deal" is now two feet long. I hope the finger grooves in it don't scare off the next lady.

I'm NEVER giving my friends a ride from the gym again. Unlike dogs, I DON'T want to know what my friend's asses smell like. Hello Febreze®!

The entire political system needs to be overhauled. It's not garbage in garbage out, it's ANYTHING in GARBAGE OUT.

If you lie on ME, I call you out. If you threaten ME, I'll knock you out. If I say I'll do something...I do it. I couldn't be in politics.

Kids can be assholes too. Just sayin'

To people who think they're going to get EVERYTHING they want from some PERFECT politician...really? Seriously?

I'm "Collateral damage" in a passive aggressive war...no peace treaty in sight. I need to come up with a good false flag distraction...

If it wasn't for those damned bullies in school 45 years ago teasing Boehner and McConnell they wouldn't be such (*edit)'s now. 
*add insult

It's kind of hard to give a damn when your home team isn't playing. Chess championships aren't for everyone. No, you're a nerd!

Drove by a "Stop and Go (corner beer store)". There is a surprising paucity of smart, good looking, successful people there. Interesting.

Duct tape + testicles = not a good idea. Also, telling me about it and getting mad when I laugh at you = gonna happen so deal with it.

The prostitute lobby has done an amazing job of getting rid of roofies.

The POTUS needs to add "the guy next to the drunk guy who wants to fight" as an adviser...someone to say "I know you ain't gonna take that!"

New Twitter, new Facebook...and I looked down just now and my balls are square. People need to stop changing things without asking!

I saw a picture of Sarah Palin online...and "It" moved. Damn you genitals! I thought we had a talk after the Hasselbeck incident! No more!

Forget that fortune cookie, I need a fortune Stromboli...my family is here this morning. Make it two.

I can already tell by the way people are acting in the family that this will be a Schrödinger's Christmas.

I'm nostalgic for the days when gunfire startled me...alas those days are long over. (I still duck if they sound like they're close)

Without racism, homophobia & misogyny etc, it wouldn't be so easy to divide us...then we'd really see what goes on in D.C. Scary...for them.

Filmmakers sometime create over the top, evil villains and you think, c'mon that's too much. Welcome to D.C. Electorate, YOU wrote this one.

Stop it with the crazy internet conspiracy theories...or WE WILL GET YOU...

I practice my trash talk during animal shows. "F*ck you Lion! You can catch that deer. Your mama dates cheetahs!"

I give the homeless candy and on Halloween I step over little kids, walk 10 yards, look back at them and scream "Get a damned job!" Yup.

Stop it with the canned milk. Play the game and take your chances with the rest of the regular milk drinkers, punk.

Stabbing at the USC-UCLA game huh? And people say that the US doesn't make things anymore. Look, we produced some grade A morons.

No Mr. Boehner, for the last time, you CAN'T have a casino! Now wash your face! You're being very culturally insensitive!

Every once in a while someone really good looking will be a guest on Springer. How low must their self esteem be?

Hey, if you text with the back of your middle finger, you can insult people, text and drive at the same time. Yeah...multitasking.

Deodorant soap? Really? Have you ever heard "Yo man, your elbow stinks!"? I didn't think so. Use the regular stuff damn it!

If you draw on your mustache with a pencil, write "Please point and laugh at me" above it. That way people will think YOU WANT it to happen.

I'm hiring a call screener to avoid my family, but it's going to be on their end. "Are you calling him about something stupid?" *cocks gun*

My new cellphone mocks me with it's silence. The loneliness I feel...Oh, I turned it off.... Damn, everybody called! I'm the man!

Come over here conventional thinking...come get pimp slapped. Don't make me chase you!!!

I love the fact that teens think that they're "tolerating" US.

No corner store, making your aisles so close together will NOT make it easier for kids to steal...oh and I'm an 80 year old Chinese woman.

There is NO alien machine kicking gay people out of the military, it's people. People who could just STOP. Cut the bullshit! Get it done!

My ex was the "gateway drug" to a woman who ISN'T a skank. (Cheap shot yes...deserved...yes...feel sorry?....Are you new? Have we met?)

I wish that in addition to citizen's arrest, we had the power to make people go to parenting class. You should hear some of these fools...

Jiffy Lube near my uncle's house, your bathroom was ridiculously clean. What are you compensating for? Scary...

Birthers? Still? Really? Just call the President the "N" word. I'm sure you do it at home. Be done with it. Don't be racists AND cowards.

After watching guys in wheelchairs play basketball at my brother's assisted living place, I realized how lazy my other relatives are...

Being an asshole is a CHOICE...which means that you can make ANOTHER choice...do you hear me House & Senate? Nah, you NEVER listen.

Enjoy your place in history next to J. Edgar Hoover and Richard Nixon! (Special message for the House and Senate)

House...Senate...Fuck you.

Signed,

Everyone that isn't rich.

Hey, Politicians....gay people ARE ALREADY IN THE MILITARY! Just STOP firing them! We don't need hearings! Nice to see you on TV though...

5 times today I was almost hit by people driving while on their cellphones. Where's the police brutality when you need it?

You're right nutritionist lady, these salads are much better than cheese steaks. Are you going to recommend low pleasure vaginas next?

Women, stop trying to be hot with the banana eating etc. We immediately imagine doing 100's of disgusting things to you. Save your energy.

...the secret ingredient? Shaved toenails! (The punchline that was passed over before they decided on "The Aristocrats!"...good choice)

It hurts to lose contact with friends, but with distance physically, comes distance emotionally. Well, back in the basement with you.