"I want to regularly put my penis in you." - Pick up artist at a Sodium Pentothal bar

My exit door is one way. Don't bother to look for your stuff, it's in the air and will be landing on the ground in front of you in 3...2...

"Why wear robes and sheets when we can wear our regular clothes and just block the vote?" - Racists


Dear people who start conversations with us as if we heard what was going on in your head BEFORE we got there, we DIDN'T and you're annoying

Yay! A news magazine is on! Now I can watch them turn someone's murder into entertainment! (Please stop doing that shit)

Just so you know, on MANY occasions here, I will be simply trying to amuse myself. I am weird...you are now warned. ;)

I forgot how cute Margot Kidder was in the movies. Yeah, Superman is on.

You have to be a huge steaming pile of guano to "Hold", "Delay", "Block" cost of living payments to Veteran's families. Fire this "Person".

Scott Brown says that I SOUND white on the phone.

If you try to suppress the vote, you should NEVER be allowed to hold or be near public office EVER AGAIN.

Why is there a moat filled with sharks carrying guns in front of my polling place?

Jerry Seinfeld's new online show "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" Watched it. Dig it a lot.

I'm going to re-mortgage my house, take CIALIS® and drive a Hoveround®. No I don't do EVERYTHING commercials say! *takes back pay day loan*

I'm ALREADY registered to vote...PLEASE try to intimidate me... please! It would be so much fun for me to crush one of those assholes!

That sharp pain? It's the fork in your ass, you're done.

I'm going to pitch a NEW talent show called "Pushed into the spotlight BEFORE you have the appropriate skill set!" it's gonna be AWESOME!!!!!

Dear annoying kid teasing the pitbull through that fence, it's "Ruff ruff" NOT "Roof roof"...that's why you get D's in school.

If you're one of those people that pretend to be turning right...THEN cut in front of a line of traffic, I hope you get hit by lightning....

I'd do aunt Esther. I have a thing about getting hit with a purse by people that I'm not attracted too. Call me weird if you want to.

It's a little more than a month until Halloween, get your razor blades NOW before the prices go up.

When women do that tilt their head down, look up at you and bite their lip thing, it means bury your face in their butts, right, officer?

Hi, I'm Facebook. I'm going to tell you how many people "Saw" your page to compound the rejection you feel about not getting any "Likes".

ME. THIS.

"These NFL replacement refs are doing a GREAT job!"
- Mitt Romney (while trying to roll down the windows on his plane)

"The MOST interesting man in the world" just told ME I was REALLY interesting! I think...I fell asleep while he was talking to me...

Police DON'T think it's funny when you put "Boots" on THEIR cars, apparently. Also, fat cops CANNOT outrun me. I mean...the guy who did it.

Tongue showers? No. Tongue baths? No. I give tongue Jacuzzis baby!!!!!!! I'm the MAN!!!!

I love women with big butts because I like to hear the sound of applause while I'm having sex.

If a tree falls in the forest, and NOBODY hears it...is it then okay to have public sex with your girlfriend the screamer?

I enjoy women's left breast more. They seem to taste better.

Ever try to "kill someone softly with a song"? Bull, I've killed plenty of people with songs...and that shit is LOUD!

While everyone here screams about the replacement refs, I sit here writing an angry letter to my 9 year old cousin for not fixing my car.

Did you say "Celibate" or "Selling butt"? I want to know if I should be annoyed or heading to the ATM.

Dear cute white lady with the big ass new to my old neighborhood, call your dad NOW to tell him about the black baby you'll be having soon.

"Yes, I do sometimes pass as white."
- ME talking to blind people

"Sugar", it's over. Sorry, I'm with "healthy eating" now. Sure, you were great, but "healthy eating" let's me put it in her butt. Huh?

Dear "rolling stop" guy, looking at you I can tell that you AND wherever you're going have something in common. Neither is THAT important.

No matter how good your meat loaf is, it's not as good as the one I made yesterday. Secret ingredient....meth. Just kidding. It was crack.

Breaking fake news! Romney releases 10 years of tax returns and as it turns out he’s OWED 40 billion dollars. Film at 11!

**********

"Breaking Bad"

A) Hit show

B) What happens to the bed after good S. Anthony lovin'

C) I've been awake too long and have started to lose it

Being a "Birther" is like trying Meth. How can you see the results of that...and STILL want to try it!?!

It's too noisy to read here, I'm going to a Romney rally so I can get some quiet.

I edit myself on Facebook. On there my name is S. nt  ny T om s

"Ahahahahahahaha!"
-REAL refs at home laughing at these NFL refs

Jimmy Hoffa & Waldo are sitting on a unicorn reading Romney's tax returns right now. We'll see them when they're finished.

Gorgeous women that always look pissed off...stop that please. Thanks.

Please...please...someone tell me all about which celebrities are screwing each other!?! Please. I have no life. Just kidding STFU!!!!!!

HAIL SATA...I mean, how is your weekend so far?

If you call customer service about a forgotten password and find out it's "Superdick Mcpussystretcher" I'll laugh at you and tweet about it.

If I ever meet a woman who tastes like Checkers French fries, I'm marrying her on the spot!

Breaking fake news! Mitt Romney enlarges his prostate on purpose before speaking to an AARP group. Film at 11!

"Hold it, you can just say NO I won't show my taxes and get away with it!?!"
- Wesley Snipes yelling at Fox News on his TV

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore! Actually, an ebullism would kill you first. This song is stupid!

iphone 5...no. Magic penis...yes. I win.

Wait until Mitt Romney finds out that the Cayman Island bank he used is really the new scam by the Nigerian email scam dudes.

Apparently, the people in THIS restaurant think Sean Hannity's REAL first name is "Fuck".

Breaking! 2 Kindle fire HD’s seen leaving the scene of an ipad assault. The iphone 5 can’t testify because of update problem. Film at 11!

Dear Rush, space out your bigoted lies a little. When you do it EVERY DAY, you sound like a pill head who's losing his mind and...Oh.

Breaking fake news! Yahoo apologizes for saying CHRISTINA HENDRICKS has “Imperfections” They just misspelled “Mmm…PERFECTION!" Film at 11!

I grew up poor, then middle class. If my career takes off like I think it will, I'm talking so much shit about you people on secret videos.

Don't ever ask Mitt Romney "Heads or Tails". That coin flip discussion will take FOREVER!

I just got the new iphone 6, it has a new app that makes the phone laugh at you when the next version is about to come out.

The Romney campaign has just found a tape of ME from 18 years ago saying "I'll bet Mitt will STILL be a lying douche 18 years from now!"

I poured a little coffee into my Frosted Flakes, milk and fruit cocktail and my cousin looked at me like she walked in on me during a murder

Forget Mitt's 47%, S. Anthony would like to bang 50% of the population. And THAT you can DEPEND on

I’ll take your sister for 90 minutes Alex!

"Uh....we've got nothing." - The Onion drawing a blank on lampooning Romney after his stupid comments on the 47%

Mitt Romney’s dog took the hidden video.

Dear people that are JUST NOW realizing that Mitt Romney is a huge d-bag...you're the ONE that STILL hasn't found WALDO yet, aren't you?

Dear Victoria's Secret model that I'll be marrying after I'm rich....please bring some of your work clothes home. Thanks.

The iphone 6 will be powered by a hamster wheel. But you still have to go to the Apple store to replace your dead hamsters.

Smile, you're on ♪ ♫ "Candid insensitive, heartless, inaccurate, bigoted comment camera!" ♪ ♫
(Mitt Romney reality show theme song)

Oh yeah, well 47% of YOUR supporters have 47 million dollars, have 47% of their money in offshore accounts or have a 47 IQ!

America, please stop letting people who don't give a damn about you this close to the Presidency. Leave tightrope walking to the Walendas.

“Man, Mitt Romney really messed up! I wouldn’t want to be HIM right now!”
-Jerry Sandusky

We MUST be better than THIS!

I don't have the time or energy to answer all of the messages that I've gotten because of my last post about the black clergy telling people to stay home on election day. I can tell you that I'm disgusted with this ridiculous "crabs in a barrel" behavior that starts whenever someone reaches a high level of acheivement.

I am not gay. I am however a human being, so are gay people. Get that through your heads. People should be allowed to live their lives as THEY choose (I don't believe being gay is a choice, I believe people are BORN gay). People should be able to marry who they choose.

When I read of the clergy making this moronic request of their congregations, because of the President's support of gay marriage, I had to ask myself, "Are they so blind to the damage that would be done to their congregations if the President lost?" Aren't healthcare, education, the right to vote without bigot created obstacles, roads, bridges, wall street reform...you know what, read the list yourselves (http://obamaachievements.org/list) worth more than your right to hurt people that have never hurt you?

If the group being targeted was black and not gay, you would flip the fuck out if they were being targeted. Remember that...if your homophobia hasn't blinded you.

Lastly, if Mr. Obama loses this election, it should be because he didn't do his job or didn't run an effective campaign. It should not be because people that look like him hate gay people enough to fuck over the nations first democratically elected President with obvious African ancestry. Your actions embarrass me and disgust me. You should know, do and be better that this.



-S. Anthony Thomas (Comedian, writer, actor, critical thinker)

AP: Black Pastors Say 'Stay Home' Election Day

SAT: Are you nuts!?! People DIED for MY right to vote. Keep YOUR homophobia to yourself

"Yeah, uh..uh..uh..Yeah! Yeah, uh..uh..uh..Yeah!"
- the beginning of EVERY song on the radio for the past 15 years

"Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? May I lick it from your huge boobs?"
- Directors cut of classic commercial

When asked “Paper or plastic?”, the correct response is “Paper”… NOT “Paper of course you global warming loving tramp!”
….apparently.

When a friend goes on vacation it's like the season finale of your friendship. When you bang his sister while he's away it's like a porno.

The tablet computer that I purchased 3 months ago works just fine computer industry. Blow me.

Paul Ryan. (No joke needed)

Just saw clips of the movie that started the riots overseas. I burned up some shit afterward. It was freaking awful.

Dear FUTURE drunk drivers, I think we have enough evidence that doing that is a BAD idea, so cut it out... you mindless morons!

I don't want to see Kate Middleton's tits. I want to see my new neighbor's tits. Sorry French magazines.

The riots illustrate how much freedom we have in America. We're so free our Presidential candidates can lie on TV even when PROVEN wrong.

Killing people..."for god". I think you're reading the books wrong.

It's only stalking if you get caught. Oh shit here she comes! *ducks behind trash can*

I’d make love to my local dollar store but it won’t take my calls. It saw me at Walmart. But I wasn’t there, I was just in the lot! Honest!

I can't wait until I'm famous so I can do expensive shows for crazy world leaders and bring that money back to the USA! USA! Also, hookers.

We're NOT widgets, checkers or toys. We're people! Treat us with respect DC! *wins lottery* What tax returns? Asking me that is Un-American!

I'm going to buy some $300 sneakers because I want to know what it feels like to be a douche bag.

Breaking news! YouTube video mocks Buddhists. They don't give a shit. Film at 11!

Wow, just got home and heard about Romney's response to the Libyan tragedy. He's NOT and EMPTY suit. His suit is full of guano. #dumbass

"Yo Mitt, THINK BEFORE you run out and comment!"
- Kanye West

Just when you think Palin has maxed out on stupidity and media whoring....

The devil doesn't give a shit about you. I'm just guessing.

The "5" in iphone 5 is for the amount of time in seconds that I'll think about it this year.

Heads or tails? Heads, you're too big of a punk to make a decision on your own without this antiquated ritual... tails...same shit.

A man IS what he thinks.... I am my neighbor's ass covered in whipped cream and spread across my bed... ...I like her.

I'm getting a tattoo of the back of your mom's head on my lower abs.

As soon as he referred to those guys as "Libs", I knew he was going to be a pain in the butt. And I was right...

How long will the web have to be around before trolls realize that they're worthless d-bags?


Dear "Media", let me know when you start REPORTING and stop being WHORES for your corporate bosses.

Thanks,

S. Anthony

**********

“FUCK TABLET COMPUTERS!”
- Laptops

I've been forced to see Mitt change positions daily and now I have whiplash. I hope my insurance covers THAT preexisting condition

Went to the car in basketball shorts commando style, was seen by neighbors and now I never have to bake a pie or cake or do my lawn again.

That “Confirm” button on my Facebook page is going to get less work. But my “Unfriend” link will start getting some overtime work soon.

Romney and Ryan AREN’T on the same page? Really? You’d think two liars who change their positions hourly would have it together by now.

Go Daddy to appease women, changes it’s name to “Pound my sweet ass harder.com” No word on why they STILL don’t get it. Film at 11!


S. Anthony gives dire warning to Clint Eastwood and Chuck Norris.
“EVERYBODY liked you guys…and now they ALL think you’re senile d-bags”

"I'm radical man! Everything sucks! I'll NEVER vote and be part of the problem!" - What is said to me moments before I say STFU to someone


A friend emailed a nude picture of Kat Dennings to me….It was so hot my penis became as big as I lie and say that it is.
I mean…I’m huge.
(The same happens if I see pictures of Nia Long, Serena Williams, Tyra Banks…)

Amazing isn't it?

I know, you're wondering what the heck I'm talking about. I'm talking about the amount of time and resources people will take from you without caring about the effects it will have on YOUR dreams/goals. Ask yourself a question, what would my life look like, if I allowed what's currently going on to continue for an extended period of time?

It's basically the old "Give them an INCH and they'll take a MILE" scenario. How many times has a friend or family member overstepped the line. How many times have you put off something that was VERY important to YOU because THEY didn't do what they were SUPPOSED to do?

How many times have they kept you from working out? Studying? Working on your business plan? Sleeping? There comes a time when you have to say "Enough is enough!" I'm at THAT point now. I know that coming to this point and the changes that have to be made are going to make ME, just like EVERYONE else that reaches this point, get called an ASSHOLE. But sometimes it's better to be an emotionally, financially and spiritually healthy ASSHOLE, than a GREAT guy who has his dreams, hopes, goals and life crushed under the weight of OTHER people's laziness and their preventable incompetence. The time for change...



...is NOW!



I'm sure you ALL can relate to this.

"Oh yeah? YOUR guy stinks!"
"Oh yeah?"
" Yeah, and he's a nig...Nigerian. That's what I meant!"
- The "Adults" on EVERY comment board

Mexican Lesbian who practices Hinduism & ANOTHER black dude (THIS time with waist length dreads) For President/Vice President 2016. Hi Fox!

Don't confuse being a truth speaker or being joyfully politically incorrect...with just being a jerkoff.

Roger Goodell suspensions overturned. He was later reportedly seen mumbling to an empty chair about imaginary black people. Film at 11!

Using the pick up line "Can I put my big and brown up in where you sit down?" worked a lot better in my head. Also, less groin kicks...

If we've ALREADY seen you nude, wardrobe malfunctions don't mean anything. Just putting it out there for you... #hollywood

Headline: "Obama drags child from burning building, hailed as hero"

Fox News: "Obama seen at scene of mysterious fire assaulting child"

Don't get full of yourself Mr President. MY exes gave glowing speeches about ME TOO. My favorites are "Well, at least he tried" & "Really?"

I just stood up...and my NOW empty chair said "Nice ass!"

I pleasured myself as a boy to Jamie Lee Curtis & NOW she’s talking about regularity and…well, there I go again! Things don't change huh?

Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood....are there ANY action stars from my childhood that HAVEN'T gone nuts because the President has brown skin?

Ever see someone, find them to be delicious looking, THEN remember that they're nuts?

Dear overly hyped up guy, no one acts like that in real life. You're not exciting people, you've just inspired tons of d-bag tweets.

Acting in 70's sitcoms was...awesome. *looks around, adjusts collar, coughs, leaves*


No offense Mr. President, but after THAT speech, I’m starting to wonder how you got a woman like THAT!!!
;)

 (I love OUR FIRST Lady)

YOU say "Peer pressure", I say "Threesome"... to-MAY-toe....to-MAH-toe...

You probably thought that you were being slick when you bit me after I said "bite me", but I'm into that so jokes on YOU lady!

When all of your new shows suck, you shouldn't do a fall preview. Just putting it out there network Tv. You're welcome.

Avoid like a fly, sting like a wasp who stings someone with a severe allergic reaction! - Ali (early draft)

It's raining where you are... Stop grilling! Sometimes giving up is okay. Like those shorts, give up on wearing those things dude.

Wow, THOSE people are TOUGH! - REAL soldiers watching "Stars Earn Stripes"

Ever do something that you thought was "freaky" to your woman and got the "It's about time" face instead of the "Oh my god he's weird" face?

Dear Nicki Minaj's ass.... *fat bastard from Austin Powers voice* " I want to eat you!
.....you too Serena!

Stalking gets boring after a while, so I just mail women a picture of myself grabbing my stuff and looking at them intensely. Yay U.S. mail!

When the person you're talking to starts repeating themselves clap your hands, yell "You're DONE!" and walk away. I'm trying to start a trend.

THIS...says it ALL. Don't believe me? *smiles knowingly*

Just watch me...

"You're NOT the boss of ME!" - A person talking under their breath to another person who actually IS the boss of THEM

I JUST remembered that I have a Google+ account. Wait...I JUST remembered that I don't care.

Dear people who market Google+, may I recommend "The Tipping Point" by Malcolm Gladwell? (Yeah, just read it so it's on my mind! So what!?!)