Ever had food poisoning? Suggestion from a friend, DON'T get it.
You're welcome.

"Top of the food chain my ass! Call me when YOU can evolve in a way that overcomes attempts to kill you...in weeks!"
-Viruses to Humans

I'm putting Lemon and sugar on my testicles because I take tea-bagging SERIOUSLY.

I'm going to go to the bunny ranch dressed as a bunny....then NEVER reference the costume.

My friends are a lesbian couple, they were scissoring...and I ran with them. Mom was wrong. It wasn't dangerous at all. That shit was fun!

You'd think being so close to Monday, Sunday would know that it shouldn't suck.

THIS is what life is huh? *drops face into hands, jumps out window...realizes he's at ground level* Ah well, guess I'll keep trying to win.

Hulk Hogan has naked pics on the Internet!?! I consider making me know this AGAINST MY WILL assault & I'm suing the whole damned the world!

I'm making a ton of dough standing outside of congress selling "I'm an old, rich, white guy and I HATE pussy!" tee shirts.

There are TWO ways to be on 60 Minutes....
I have a feeling that I WILL be on 60 minutes. I hope it's because of my great comedy.... and NOT for my...whoa ALMOST told on myself there.

Dudes that wear eye patches ALSO only wear HALF A JOCKSTRAP over their manstuff. They...are...tough. DON'T MESS WITH THEM!

It's NOT the delivery guy she's screwing, it's the guy at the supermarket that sold her the Digiorno!

Remember when I said that people AREN'T laughing at you? The people that were laughing at you paid me to say that as we ALL laughed at you.

So, no one is here. Cool. Confession time. Two words, PROSTATE MASSAGE. One word, SELF. Two more words, RIGHT NOW. One more word, JEALOUS?

Buffet people, your "sneeze guard" isn't effective against my "lick my fingers and touch everything" assault. Checkmate. Step your game up.

I just "Mowed the lawn"...if you know what I mean. (Unfortunately, it actually means "Mowed the lawn"....life stinks)
;-)

When I buy deodorant & condoms I say to the cashier, "I like to smell good when I get booty!" I come back 45 seconds later to buy rope. Fun!

Are car companies trying to kill us with these punk ass jacks they give us? Am I fixing a tire or opening a can of tuna with this shit?

Apparently we're calling needy people "Thirsty" now huh? Well, I want to start something, let's call assholes "Brownies" now. Ya with me!?!

Bullet-free buttocks are the best buttocks....

Right Guard doesn't stop my left armpit from smelling. You know like the way left handed people can't use scissors. Those slick bastards!

Apathy. Yay! No, YOU'RE doing it wrong!

Alright life, YOU WIN!
*puts emotions into wall safe, locks it, flushes key down toilet*
(Emotionless)
...happy... now?
*lies down*

**********

DON'T gargle with OxiClean®, some ideas though "intuitive"...are really fucking stupid.

I wonder what the next social media site that we ignore each other on will be.

Guys don't know this...women that will lick you anywhere are basically asking you to marry them. And you're nuts if you don't. Nuts tee hee.

So, I guess no one can see the little blue check that I have on my twitter account just because it's only glued to MY screen, huh?

If you're outraged by the stupid shit Fox News says, do what I do to the urine soaked raving guys on subways. Hold your nose and walk away.

You've been using that teeth whitening gel and your teeth are really white. Ironic that your black teeth are all in the back now. RACIST!!

Dear teens, incense = mom and dad please burst into my room angry. You're welcome.

Want to see a woman's eyes roll to the back of her head as she screams?
Either let ME get it on with her... or make her watch the NFL Draft

Okay dude, you wipe your butt with your towel and THEN wipe down the bench? Ok. Hope you like what we ALL did to your gymbag. One-upmanship!

I wish porno directors would stop booking those guys with the tiny genitals in the films. Now women are going to expect ME to be that small.

Dear Youtube, how about making videos "Not available in this country" etc, not visible? You know, like someone who ISN'T a douche would do.

The PROS and CONS of possibly having sex with my ex...again.

"Michelle and I aren't delusional liars with money given to us by daddy"

"Uh, Mr President, that's WORSE than the SILVER SPOON line"

"Oh"

**********

Dear women with huge nipples, you do know that those things are going to be slurped EVERY DAMNED DAY, right?

I'm learning how to make my sneezes sound like the shutter sfx on my phone. I want to take butt picks WITHOUT getting my butt kicked.

S. Anthony says... (Sorry, but I had no choice)

I'd like to thank my nephew for showing me that my cardio isn't back yet. He should thank me for helping his by making him walk to work.

My tree leaves tons of flower petals on my car....EVERYDAY! The pigeons feel inadequate. Also I shot them. Hear THAT tree? I shot them!

This photo was taken with Eventualgram...

....it'll be up in a few minutes. I hope.

JUST racism? No, it's stupidity that makes people vote against their self interest. How bad do people have to get fucked before waking up?

Metta World Peace....Secret service agent. Yeah, my next pitch meeting is gonna pay off!!!!

Oodles of Noodles is TWO servings!?!
The terrorists have won.

S. Anthony says... (First Run through of New Show Material)

So armpit fetishes are common? Then why are the police here? I'll untie you when I get an answer!

The Secret Service was caught fucking whores, congress is full of fucking whores... BOTH are scandals in my mind.

In a word...get away from me you annoying douchebag loser. Alright, my count was a little off, but I meant what I said.

If people are not sleeping with you, they don't care what you say. ARE YOU LISTENING!?! Alright, I know what you want... *takes off pants*

Skinny dipping? Honey, what I dip ain't skinny. Ya dig?

Ladies think guys want to "Bang" tons of women. Not ME, I want to find ONE special lady... to "BANG" senseless daily.

If you let these people buy this election, you will regret it. Unfortunately, I'll ALSO regret it, so don't let that crap happen dumb asses!

Dear fat celebrities that get skinny, shut the fuck up. Thanks.

Dear people that aren't me. NEVER come to my house and wake me up BEFORE 8am. If you do, don't blame me for what happens to you next.

The eyes are the windows to the soul.... and from all the yellow in your "windows"...you have serious liver problems. Call your doctor.

**********

Newspaper Headline: Person A DESTROYS Person B!

Uh, no. Person A said bad things about Person B. Look up the word DESTROY morons. Thanks.

**********

Are black Buddhists really THAT rare? Some lady saw the book that I was reading and I almost wound up tagged and put on display at a museum.

My eye doctor should cancel the rest of the tests. My eyes are fine, I mean I've been looking down her blouse at her yummy boobs for 20 min.

Most people don't know that Mitt Romney made 1/3 of his money leasing out the tops of pizza delivery cars as rolling kennels. #themoreuknow

Dear racists, thanks for putting on the neon hats and matching clothes during this election cycle. It's nice knowing how many of you exist.

I'm creating a car freshener that smells like pine for a week, then slowly starts smelling like ass for the lucrative "People I hate" Market.

Why don't they just put balls on the bottom of liquid soap dispensers?

That last 20 pounds is hard to lose, because of the 100 pounds in front of it. Yeah, I said it!

Isn't it disappointing when you find out that someone you're related to has the "piece of shit" gene?

                                                                     **********

Just put a bowl on the washing machine….as it started to violently shake.

My bowl of cereal flies into the air….

…something sounds wrong and I turn just in time to see the bowl take flight….

….I toss the remote, lunge toward the bowl as it was in a rapid descent….

…..I slip, lose my footing, regain my footing and catch the bowl between my feet fractions of an inch from the floor….

….and NOTHING was spilled. Nothing.

WHY WAS THERE NO ONE HERE TO FILM THIS SHIT!?!

**********

Car crash dummies can survive high speed vehicular impacts, but are afraid to go home 5 minutes late to their wives. Punks.

Shaving cream is NOT a good lube. A friend told me that. It certainly wasn't me being too lazy to climb off of her and drive to the store.

Familiarity breeds contempt...if you're an ass, otherwise it's pretty cool.

You're not a "FAILURE", as long as you're ALIVE you have a chance to win. So I suggest not pissing me off while you pursue your goals.

When I smell LYSOL® I don’t think “Yay, clean!”, I think “Old people must have shit on the floor here recently. I’m outta here!”

I’m usually right.


Dear old racists on radio and television news shows, history much like the sun and gravity, will not be kind to you.

Mitt get rid of Ted Nugent. Get someone reasonable to talk about the President like Jon Voight. Oh...

Romney drives bus in circles around Obama speech, dog strapped to roof gets dizzy. Film at 11!

That thing you're about to do that'll hurt someone you care about so much that they never look at you the same way again...don't do that.

J.Krishnamurti - Be A Light to Yourself

I love Tamron Hall so much that I now use her name to describe how much I love other things. “Wow! I Tamron Hall this place!”

My uncle is getting a colonoscopy soon, so yay, I'm going to have to hear uncomfortable old guy anal sex jokes!

Some teenage college students just walked past me and said "You're kinda old, but you could still get it!" I choose to hear only the ending.

Dear "The Press", THIS is shit and THIS is shinola. Write that down please.

Does anyone have any powdered whoop ass? I don't want to use cans. My ass whippings are environmentally friendly now.

Dear Facebook, we know that those page recommendations are just a slick way of doing opinion polls....DON'T take mine literally. Ya dig?

If you ever want to find yourself perpetually looking like you just ate Oreo cookies, get your teeth whitening strips from the dollar store.

I asked for a black AND white milkshake....this is just a WHITE milkshake. RACIST!!!!!!!!

Who needs baby oil when you have a woman with boob sweat sitting right next to you? Boob sweat....it's not just for breakfast anymore. What?

Jackie Robinson: Breaks Color barrier in Baseball, remembered FOREVER
Racists who tormented him: Remembered FOREVER as A-HOLES #takeTHAT

If you're my woman, EVERY TIME we're alone I'm going to try to get in you.
When I'm too old, I'm still going to try to touch stuff. Yup.


Don't get angry at me if I don't get right back to you. I'm doing a lot of things right now, also I don't think you're that important.
;-)

Watching the Mike Wallace tribute makes me hope that I can leave that type of impact on my art form.

Hi. I'm S. Anthony an Independent voter. I'd just like to let you know that I'm informed and do my own research...so fuck your commercials!

"Golden shower" is too nice a name for that activity.

The last couple of months I've been an involuntary semen hoarder. I need help "cleaning out my garage"  ;-)

If seeing couples in love makes you want to vomit, you're not over your break up yet. Or they're just fucking annoying...

Secret Service dudes know how to PARTY!
Codename: GET SOME PUSSY.

Old guys who have the bodies of 30 year olds. You're fooling NOBODY! Stop with the steroids.

Sugar substitute, you're really not. Call yourself "I hope this shit will do" instead. Thanks.

It's going to come back and bite me on the ass? Good, then I won't have to PAY to get that done like I do every Sunday! I mean no I don't.

My Flintstone vitamins are fucking, so if I'm patient, I'm going to get more for FREE!

Mitt Romney thinks the movie "Transformers" is a documentary.

"Duh balls!" - Say this loudly at the most inappropriate moment in a serious conversation. FUN!

Hey, don't think for one minute....because you will get a headache. Yes sir, I'm calling you an idiot.

I am the ONLY guy at my table treating the Hooters waitress as a human being. These dudes are pigs. FYI, I am so going to get it on with her.

After watching "A day in the life: Marc Maron", it started to really make me miss living in Los Angeles. Quite frankly, it moved Los Angeles into the lead in the "What major media market will I make my permanent home" sweepstakes. Those shots of Sunset Blvd and his performance in the Comedy Store really got to me.

Cable news and talk radio....defending murderers since....

....since

....since they noticed that it was acceptable to hate.

**********

I've been feeling MYSELF up for the past few minutes, I don't see what that sleeping lady on the bus was mad about. I didn't charge her!

I'll never understand the small mind & ignorance of racists. I can't hate a person for nothing...ah well, I guess my intelligence is a curse

Allen West thinks Ghostbusters is a documentary.

If I didn't love this new stuff so much, I might think that writing an all new show was hard. ;-)

I have to admit it, I've had a lot fewer vomiting fits since I stopped buying my meat from the dollar store.

If a beautiful woman catches you staring at her butt and smiles...SCORE! Unless the smile is for the punch her boyfriend is about to throw.

Is there a deodorant for people with funky ass attitudes? Do they come in extra strength? Would you be willing to try it...now...please?

Facebook. Instagram. Okay, admit it, you people are just making up words.

So everyone is just discovering that Mitch McConnell is a lying, delusional, turd?
The more you know….

"Who asks for a quarter at a bus stop? HELLO, there's a coffee shop across the street! Maybe being lazy is your real problem."
- Compassionate dudes

I see you, but you don't see me. Soon, everyone will see me, will you see me then? Or will I have to bang your sister? #beautifullovepoem

I hope to one day like people enough to make an unlimited plan on my cellphone worthwhile. Maybe not. Then I'd be just as annoying as them.

Scavenger hunt. Find a strip club owner that's a virgin. GO!

Social media seems to have moved into the "quaint" phase.

Fuck you KIA, stop making good cars so I can bust out my old KIA sucks jokes!

I officially don't care who Kim K is screwing, just keep the pictures of all of that ass coming paparazzi.

Sweet lord I'm a nerd. I just watched a video about xy canis majoris while eating popcorn. I'm going to take my own lunch money.

Porn sites need to give out warnings....some things can't be unseen.

Oh, about Mrs. Obama being disbarred….

Here is the pertinent excerpt from the Attorney Registration & Disciplinary Commission ARDC of the Illinois Supreme Court:

“E. Supreme Court - Non-Disciplinary Action

In addition to activity in disciplinary cases, the Supreme Court entertains pleadings in non-disciplinary matters that affect an attorney’s status. Chart 17 reflects the orders entered in such cases during 2000. With the amendments to Rules 756 and 770, adding an inactive status registration category and deleting Rule 770 court-ordered inactive status, effective beginning with the 2000 registration year, transfers to inactive status are now accomplished without Court order, and, therefore, are no longer reflected in Chart 17. As was true in 1999 when the rule amendments were announced, many lawyers who had transferred to inactive status under Rule 770 petitioned to return to active status under Rule 759, with the result that the number of petitions filed under Rule 759 was significantly higher for 1999 and 2000 than in past years. The transition stage will end during 2001, and there should be a significant drop-off in Rule 759 filings in future years. ”

This is a verbatim quote from the ARDC Website, found at:

https://www.iardc.org/main_annreport.html#7

To reiterate:

1) According to the ARDC, ALL lawyers who requested inactive status prior to 2000 had to obtain a court order in order to receive it.

2) There are NO disciplinary actions against Michelle Obama.

3) Her license is listed as “VOLUNTARILY [emphasis is mine] inactive.”

In other words, before 2000, any lawyer who wanted to go on VOLUNTARY inactive status had to get a court order to do so. Therefore, ALL lawyers who voluntarily became inactive - did so via COURT ORDER. There were NO disciplinary actions against Mrs. Obama. She is eligible to return to active status at any time by paying her fees and completing the continuing education required of all lawyers.

So, the ARDC’s site indicates that her VOLUNTARILY inactive status came at HER request and was granted by a court order, as was ROUTINE before 2000.

NOTHING on their site says or implies that there was a disciplinary aspect to it.

(FYI, it took 25 seconds for me to find this information. But then again, I’m not a liar with an agenda or a bigot.)

It's a shame that ANY article or picture of Mrs. Obama on the web, has racist idiots attacking her. Dear racists, you are an embarrassment.

Ladies, the way you smell after a shower...thanks for that, also for putting up with being tied up/sniffed for an hour. And the other stuff.

Just signed up for the "BK tap dance for your watermelon slushie" commercial. DON'T JUDGE ME I'M BROKE!!!!!!

Easter Pro tip, only bite CHOCOLATE bunnies. Just saying...

Bailey from WKRP. Me likes. Me likes.
Loni watch out! You’re not the only delicious lady on the show!

I also LOVE Janet MORE than Chrissy on Three's Company.

But I'd throw them ALL out and marry THIS woman TODAY!

Nia Long.

Pro tip. If you're on a porn site, and you hover over the icon for a movie, and the image DOESN'T give you a preview....DON'T WATCH!

I love my testicles most...when they smell like you girl. #Iwillnevergethiredtowriteforboybands #Iamapoet

If you see this, it means that YOU are invisible.

Dear people who think that I just used TOO MUCH salad dressing, YOU use TOO MUCH "NOT shutting the fuck up". So we're even. Your friend, S.

The devil you know, one you don't know....who cares? Just shoot that bastard! Oh, it's the devil. Shoot him a super soaker of holy water!

My heavy bag just called me fat ass. I'm glad that I kicked and punched it for an hour now.

Hey ABC, I can't wait until the B___ in APT 23, gets her ass kicked by the Ho in APT 24 (Must be pronounced with an accent for effect) ;-)

I'm going to make sure "Lola" gets nothing, I have nothing against her, I just want to fuck up that song.

Sporks....when you want to eat your food off of something that looks like a faceless hello kitty head.

If "Criminal Minds" is true, all serial killers are surprisingly fit, model pretty, 30 something dudes.

I don't celebrate Easter, but free candy is free candy.

*in the mirror practicing my NEW who gives a damn facial expressions*

Amanda Bynes. Drunk driving arrest. Me. Less guilty about wanting to get it on with her. Just kidding, I never felt guilty about that.

Every time I see or hear from that wacky named National Committee Chairman, I think..."Where do they get these Mickey Mouse motherfuckers?"


How to win friends and influence people
- Books at the top of the "Rick Santorum read and do the exact opposite" list

**********

*Woman crosses the street, looks at me about to turn the corner and assumes that I’m looking at her ass*

Her: What the fuck you lookin’ at?

Me (From car) “Oncoming traffic”

Her ”Yeah right!”

*A car blasts it’s horn as it swerves around her. It scares her*

Me “Maybe YOU should have been doing that too.”

Her “So you weren’t? Sorry…”

Me “No problem.”

*She walks away, but this time, I DO look at her ass*

Me (As I turn the corner) *under my breath* “Yum”

**********

I love when people honk at you...then realize they were being assholes...then try not looking at you. NO! I'm following you. Look at me!

This thrust is sponsored by Pepsi, this one by General Motors. this one....
- Google Condoms

This guy looks like he converted to your religion just to get his feet washed.

I dig the pause after people call me the "N" word. I don't know what reaction they expect. I give them pity. They NEVER expect THAT.

Mr Thomas has left the building. He has now snuck around back and re-entered the building. He has NOW locked YOU out and is laughing at you.

Learning to expect nothing from others...is the new black.

Check for dishes BEFORE you pee in your sink. Oh, and don't get mad at your friends for laughing at you when you don't.

**********

The Supremes...a group given songs to sing and paid to sing them as they're told by their rich bosses

The Supreme Court : Same shit

**********

Dear dudes who let their girlfriends "Peg" them only to find out your girl won't return the favor....hahahahahahahahaha! Dumb ass!

Reince Priebus is what you get when you smear Santorum on a radiator and wait 3 days.

The feeling in mutual? Oh, futile. Yeah, that makes more sense.

My balls are twins and they get along, but they like to celebrate their birthdays separately. You know...separate cakes and stuff...

Was just behind a lady with three anti-Obama bumper stickers. Really? Three? I think the president is the least of your problems lady.

I mean, no bumper sticker about an idea or a message PRO some ideological point... just hateful things about President Obama. Why would you proudly tell everyone that you drive past, that you're a hateful person? I guarantee she wouldn't put a "I have really bad body odor" bumper sticker on her car.

...well, she is telling us that her attitude stinks, so...

**********

You *express honest, well thought out opinion*

Person you don't know: *vitriolic, unsolicited, inaccurate reply*

WELCOME TO THE INTERNET!

**********

*I see nephews walking down the street, I start wearing my pants like they do*

"C'mon unc, you're embarrassing us!"

"Really? My job is done."

**********

Punch a time clock? ME? Never. Pinch it's ass....only with permission. Anthropomorphism anyone?

It's time for a fourth branch of government. The fruit from the other branches seem to have rotted on the way down.... and WE'RE STARVING FOR JUSTICE DOWN HERE!

Keep losing your contact lenses? Two words, CONTACT cement. Huh? Eh? Well? Yeah, I solve all of your problems.

"Silicone boobs, silicone butt cheeks.....are you trying to turn yourself into a sex doll? No, I didn't say I was AGAINST it. Just asking..."
- Dudes

**********

My niece is a teenager now, so my brother in law and I are practicing eye gouges and groin strikes.

Hi teenage dudes!

March: In like a lion, out like a lamb
Congress: In like phony, out like a felon

Normally, I don't use the word "pussy" in a joke, but I hear that "bad boys get the most puss...sex, so I'm trying to fit in.

I want nothing from you, I want something IN you. (Buy something I mean my penis)
...that wasn't a typo. I have become a male prostitute.
...cash only. (No coins smart asses, they're uncomfortable to carry in my underwear)

Women, why doesn't it turn YOU on to watch US shave things?

If I eat ice cream cake off of a woman's sweet butt, that's not going to ruin my new dietary lifestyle change is it? Cause I'm still gonna.

You CAN'T eat 20 chicken nuggets. You think you can...you can't. At least you can't and get in MY car. Catch the bus Farty Mcpukesalot.

Open ended questions usually lead to the opening of a cliff. So when someone asks you one, close your mouth.

S. Anthony says... (10 minutes ago...)

A tall skinny young black kid in a hoodie who was in line next to me at the store looked at me and asked "Are you ok sir?" I was wondering why he asked me, a stranger, that question out of the blue. I then remembered that I have a face that very quickly and accurately lets people know what I'm feeling if I'm not careful. It's an asset professionally, but not so much in situations like this. I told him that I was having back problems (partially true) and thanked him for asking. I didn't tell him the real reason.

The real reason would have started an uncomfortable conversation. Especially given the surroundings and our lack of any relationship. Quite frankly, I wasn't completely aware of the reason for the apparently anguished look on my face. It took merely a few seconds of reflection to understand. I was thinking, this young man saw another human being upset and decided to try to comfort him. The next thought was... but if he was walking home, in Sanford Florida, he could easily be dead at the hands of an idiot. His memory could be assassinated by a world wide media empire and an army of bigoted bloggers.  Why? Because of his melanin count and his "false" belief that he had the right to use public streets. We both left the store at the same time and as we parted I though of my nephews who are approximately is age. I thought about how much better the world is now compared to when I was his age or my parents were his age...

...and I also thought, we can do better. Right?

Yada. Yada! Yada! No, I'm not mumbling, I'm trying to get the attention of my friend Yada. I wish she'd take off those damned headphones!

The fact that "Drive by pimp slappings" has gone down drastically since I joined twitter...is a coincidence. YES IT IS! DON'T MAKE ME...

I openly drink Green Tea...in the hood. Yeah.
I'm cooler than you.

Dear television series that try to keep me watching with 5 year story arcs. No. I only invest 5 years in women, you see, THEY taste good.

Don't cut me off in traffic while you're making a cellphone call and then thank me as if I let you in. I didn't and you're an asshole.

Self brushing teeth....inventors, GO!

"Oh yeah? You don't want none of THIS!"
- Things said by people that don't know that they've just told you that they CAN'T fight

Maybe I shouldn't have aired my "Fool proof way to ALWAYS find her g-spot" infomercial opposite the Superbowl. Well, you missed it losers!

It's not about how many give a shit, it's that SOMEBODY gives a shit that's important. Thanks, you know who you are...

There are black people in my house and you don't see me getting nervous.

I'm eating healthy and working out to get back in shape. It may all be a waste because if I don't eat some cake soon, I'm gonna kill people.

There's no way that your breath could be that bad unless you're doing it on purpose.

Women are surprisingly receptive to letting you hang with your boys after being handcuffed to the headboard and licked for 90 minutes. FYI.

Dear future employers, there's no need to ask for my Facebook password, my "Kiss my ass you nosy fuck" tee shirt should tell you everything.

"Are you single? No? You're mine now."
(That's all cute women need to do to get a guy)

Dear CBS news, do you really think big corporations are paying 39.2% in taxes? Really?

Did you see the study on 60 Minutes that says getting it on with ME increases the health and vitality of hot women? Just trying to help.

This guy in front of me should just get it over with and legally change his name to "A. Douchebag".

 From the makers of "Instagram" the new app,"Who gives a damn?" I'm getting THAT!

I knew it! A friend just bought a minivan and they accepted his balls as a trade in. You'd figure that they'd be satisfied with his old car but....