Me: 10-0 in venereal disease blood tests. My perfect record stands! Take THAT STDs!! So, what random woman wants to get it on!?!

Dear EVERYONE, Marriage just called up and said that it can defend itself.

I HATE when my doctor asks "Do you mind if these students watch?" Why? Because I know I'm going to be the BEFORE picture in the text book.

No one is following this account yet, so I can post as much weird crap as I want! I have an armpit fetish, but it's for my own armpits. HA!


"...yeah, hung like a seahorse!"
- A guy finding out the hard way that you SHOULDN'T try corny pickup lines on female comics


“NEVER look outside of yourself for VALIDATION. Appreciation however, is food for the “Soul”. If the people around you are “Starving” your “Soul”… “Eat” somewhere else.”
— S. Anthony Thomas

Forget about the President's "Kill list". I think MY "Future booties to slurp" list is more fun to read. Am I right?

The head nurse at my uncle's physical rehab place is so gorgeous, I'm surprised that there aren't mass deaths whenever she walks by.

Have you ever seen someone so attractive that you knew the minimum time you'd spend licking them is 60 minutes? I mean besides me...


You can't use a fishing rod to catch members of the opposite sex...apparently.

Sugar substitute is a great product to use when avoiding sugar and also to tell if your crack whore is really a crack whore...or a damned LIAR!

Universal remote controls are the Walmart of remote controls. (Admit it, I'm a fucking genius)

Michelle Obama thanked me personally in an email, yeah, I'm better than YOU! What do you mean FORM EMAIL!?! Haters!

Did you know that Julia Louis Dreyfus has a net worth of 2.9 billion? Sorry Oprah, you AREN'T the richest woman I've pleasured myself to.

Quality OVER quantity applies to friends too. 

Do you know why I play with my balls? To save money.

I'm getting old, the police here haven't manufactured a bullshit reason to pull me over in months. Maybe I should workout more...

Apparently Romney thinks white guys have a good chance of becoming President. Where'd he get THAT crazy idea? Oh...

If you use "Keep it real" when talking to me, I'm going to kick you in the throat. There is no joke in this post, just a warning.

So, F, marry, kill is HYPOTHETICAL? I am so glad you told me NOW. And so is lady number three.

I'm going to play hard to get and start asking women out with my pants ON. Yeah, on my couch at home...

If you buy a Volvo, they throw in the kids for free. Yup.

Dear terrorists, leave our financial centers alone. If you really want to teach us a lesson, blow up the studios that make reality tv.

I like my "Blind spot notification" old school style. *Honk honk* Watch it ya dumb bastard!

Dear A**holes, THIS is for YOU, from EVERYBODY ELSE!!!

Dear morals, SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm the friend everyone confides in and tells ALL of their secrets. I'll tell you all about them in my new book "S. Anthony's friends are sick bastards!"

My young cousin just did a "Deez Nuts" joke....and I laughed at it. Yeah, I was just like that at his age....poor bastard.

"Don't ever let anyone tell you that you're not good enough. Make them write it down so you can hold it in their face and laugh as you get your trophy." - S. Anthony Thomas

The real world is sometimes more fake and staged than MTV's "Real World"....also, more actual music videos.

Being overlooked has it's benefits.

I'm "The Lead", blow me.

If THEY say "Ignore the man behind the curtain!" Do it. Just remember, they said NOTHING about having one of YOUR BUDDIES drag his ass out.

I just ate some Chinese checkers....they taste like chicken.

It's easy to not care about sports when your teams suck. In OTHER news, every man on the block doesn't care about your mom because...

Dear mob guys, just because he's a mob doctor operating on you out of a truck doesn't mean that you can't ask for a second opinion. Okay?

Fu*k the plate (Sorry Grandpa, you're wrong THIS time)

YOU smoke a Cuban cigar to unwind, I quietly resent my family.... yeah, soothing...

Prince sings his classic hit "Kiss", a confused Will Smith tries to smack him, film at 11.

If you're behind a pulpit spewing epithets, it doesn't matter how loud you speak, YOUR God can't understand YOU. He DOESN'T speak moron.

You are not served...

Battle of the sexes

Political Pollsters keep calling my house...
FYI, some of those polls are about to garner really weird results...

When I'm back in tip top shape, I think I should be rewarded with six straight FREE months at the Bunny Ranch...or just some cute lady to squeeze me in inappropriate places.

Sometimes, childhood sucks...

Ever get something in your eye while driving on the highway? Scary isn't it? Next time, the blindfold stays ON.

When I watch minorities become hostile and rail against the rights of other minorities.....my ONLY thought is, ARE YOU STUPID OR CRAZY?

Dear Microsoft, fuck you. I would explain why...but does it really matter?

Alright, NOW I know. It's only cute when your dog hangs his head out of the car window WILLINGLY. Noted.

 I'll show you my six pack if you can show me 1995 or 2013, because that's where they exist.

Erection length 3hrs and 53 minutes....
Doctor not called....
Cialis...not needed....
Me....making this up.

When I get old and I actually need Cialis, I'm not going to be one of those guys who's ashamed. In fact I'm going to add corny sayings to the lexicon ON PURPOSE. "Hey girl, I just took my pills....and in about 20 minutes....I'm going to let you SEE ALICE!" 

I'm tired of being cute and great in the sack.

Dear "RELIGIOUS" politicians, we never see you with a bible. Is it because they burst into flames in your lying, stealing, cheating hands?

I'm at that age where I see a teenager and no longer have lustful thoughts. In fact, I say "I'd love to have a daughter like her"....but I say it so their mothers can hear it. It's easier to nail their mothers that way.

Women taste best approximately 3.2 minutes AFTER they take a shower. I've done the research so you don't have to. You're welcome.

My baby cousin stopped goo goo ga ga-ing and yanked a hair from my nose. We don't look at each other the same way anymore..THE HORROR! Also, I ALMOST fought a baby.

If you're OVER the age of 15 and you answer ANY question by saying "....deez nuts!", you should be beaten and deported immediately.

I'm going to suck a woman's ass cheeks on the cover of Newsweek. Take THAT Time Magazine!

If a YouTube video has Russian lettering....DON'T WATCH! Unless gross crap is your thing. Well, I''m going to vomit and scrub my brain.

Why can the NBA guy say "They're big, long and will bang you!" on TV and NOTHING happens, but I get bad looks from everyone in the elevator?

That disgusting crap you do with your wife? Your dad did that to your mom and someone will do that to your daughter. Yup. You're welcome.

(ME + Critical thinker) - YOU trying to convert me to YOUR RELIGION = NO fucking chance/Get the hell out of here.

If you make an animated kids film and it bombs, you should quit the business and leave the country.

...and if you send a love offering of $100, we'll send you an autographed picture of me spending the money and laughing at your dumb ass...

Are THEY really out to get YOU? (NSFW)

I was almost run over by YOU because YOU were on a cellphone, I hope you find your wife, daughter & mom having a 4 way with a homeless dude.

Mitt Romney made a paper robot out of $100 bills and had them kick the shit out of the $1's in my wallet.

ME...THIS...NOW.

See you later.

We ALL have a "Thumbs Up" and "Thumbs Down" button on us....but WE can't see it.

"NO, just....NO."
- Me responding like my niece would when I was just asked an idiotic question

If you voted AGAINST same sex marriage... suck my balls! Wait, what?

Mitt Romney and friends just held me down and made me drink liquified money.

Gay people couldn't care less what YOU do. Try that sometime zealots. It's very liberating. I'm straight and it works for me. Join the sane!

Mitt Romney and friends hold down the homeless and make them drink liquified money. Film at 11!

If your religion/philosophy trumps compassion and human feelings, either it's fucked up, you're fucked up, or you're both fucked up. Yup.

I just strapped my dog to the roof of ....huh? We're not doing dog jokes about Romney anymore? It's gay stuff now? Ok. Duly noted.

Breaking Fake News! Obama's approval rating falls among homophobes, bigots and the unreasonable after today's pro-gay marriage announcement

President said that he agrees same sex couples SHOULD be able to get married....and the world DIDN'T blow up. What else ya got homophobes?

Clergy Rebukes Media for Asking Wrong Questions About Amendment One

Gender. Sexual Orientation. Color. These are a small part of who we are. NC, VOTE NO. We are ALL part of the human FAMILY. FAMILY...DIG? Don't forget, the power to vote away rights doesn't end with this. You too may find yourself on the other end of a similar vote.

Dear voters, it's time to start doing some racist politician suppressing.

Photographers, STOP AIRBRUSHING WOMEN'S SKIN! We lick it, touch it, we love it! If their skin looked in real life the way you make it look, I wouldn't want to fuck them! STOP THAT STUPID SHIT!!!!!

It's weird, right after the John Travolta sex scandal came out, an old girlfriend reminded me that I used to ask her to sing the Barbarino song as she felt me up.

If you voted FOR discrimination in NC today, you are basically the same as the people in old civil rights videos yelling at Dr King. Shame.

Call them on it! (The story of a security guard who I'll bet knows bett...

Ever take something long and put it deep inside something tight and moist? Whoa, it's NOT what you think! I was talking about us having sex.

If someone tells you who they are, believe them, unless they're too complimentary. Then they're only telling you they're lying tubs of crap.

Don't do that wishful thinking or positive visualization crap. Just find people that don't know you and lie to the bastards. It's easier.

THAT many people sit in the audience of Wheel of Fortune? Does the census department know that there are that many dweebs here?

I like to break into hotel maid's homes and leave smashed, semi melted, stale chocolates on THEIR pillows. DON'T JUDGE MY HOBBIES!

My promise to YOU, when I have kids...you WON'T be seeing 900 pictures of them. You're preemptively welcome.

Guys should get a "Diamond Championship Belt" for being in a threesome.

"The Avengers" SHATTERS Box Office Record for BIGGEST Opening Ever!!!!!
But I'm getting none of the money, so who gives a fuck!?!

Could 22 of you play football in my backyard so I'll have something to watch on Sundays until September?

Relationship advice for EVERYONE. Be nice to each other and get it on three times a week. You're welcome.

"YAY! A Woman tells me that I'm a sweetheart, I'm nice and STILL gives me some of her delicious booty!"
- No dude has EVER said that shit

The Perfection Trap

Breaking Fake News! Phil Mushnick says that Mitt Romney is "Too White" to be President. Film at 11!

Starbucks coffee just accused 7-11 coffee of class warfare. The fight was broken up by half and half....who's more fair than half and half? ;-)

Only buy Febreze® if your house is CLEAN. If you buy it and your house is disgusting...we all know what's up. And NO, I'm NOT stopping over.

I like my women like I like my coffee...handed slowly to me over a freshly cleaned store counter by a slightly suspicious, pretty Indian woman at 3am.

Ever have a devastating break up, then meet someone so great that you're glad they left? Well I haven't, so shut up you SHOWOFF!!!!! ;-)

"He would spend several hours per night doing weird things to my butt...BUT I LOVED IT!"
- S. Anthony's ex girlfriends talk to the press

"Uh...yeah....I'm leaving now."
- Me rehearsing my answer to the next really stupid and or inappropriate question that I'm asked

I'm not 24, and I'm not 7....so when is this deodorant going to protect ME!?!

Have you ever faked having a conversation on your bluetooth to avoid talking to someone only to find out that it was turned off and still in your pocket? Me neither...

Mitt Romney, robots aren't supposed to lie to humans! Didn't you watch that documentary on yourself "I, Robot"?

Forget Wall Street, the real financial problem in this country is my cousins who think they need FOUR tea bags to make one cup! Facists!

Don't be a coat holder... This is some advice that I gave to a younger relative about.... Wait, I'm not telling you. Watch the video!

Just found out that I'm partially Native American....so some of my ancestors were here and got kicked out and some were dragged here kicking and screaming....yeah, good times...

Politicians, political talking heads, ideologues, willfully ignorant bigots and their ilk...
Please enjoy vigorous self carnal knowledge.

This a-hole cut ME off and got mad at ME. I should be mad! I had to slam on the brakes and his sister's head hit the steering wheel. Jerk.

I'm starting to think that it's the coffee TASTE that wakes me up and NOT the caffeine. This is decaf. Or maybe it was spilling it on my lap.

Twitter, helping you feel alone in a packed virtual room since 2006. Yeah, you thought it would be different didn't you? Sucka!

This Tuesday night is starting to act all "Monday morning" on me. Oh, it's friend Wednesday is over there. It ALWAYS acts like an ass then.