Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Tamron Hall = Smart + Funny + Smoking Hot. I would change my name to S. Anthony HALL for her.

Talking heads on news shows now sound like the adults on the Charlie Brown cartoons. Just kidding, they make LESS sense.

When Jan Brewer retires, she's going to get a job pointing out black people at NBA games that aren't on the court....or a Kardashian.

If Justin Bieber and Ron Paul formed an alliance, they would command an unstoppable army capable of crushing all of their haters. Muahahaha!

Romney has gone from being a robot to being a dick.

Hurry up Newt, you only paid my Aunt to stand behind you until 9pm.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Save your attack ad money, I'm one of those voters that does...research. Donate it to the poor. Oh, I forgot, you don't notice them.

*Teen opens running dryer*
Teen: "Is someone drying clothes?"
S. Anthony: "Is the dryer...ON?"
*Teen grunts in the affirmative*
S. Anthony: "Are wet clothes INSIDE?"
*Teen grunts in the affirmative* 
 Teen: "So, I should put the clothes BACK IN and start it back again?"
*S. Anthony grunts in the affirmative* 

What percentage of your relatives would you actually spend any time with if they were NOT relatives? My number is rapidly shrinking...

Black kids, don't let the racism you're going to hear during the Presidential election make YOU feel bad. YOU aren't the problem. They are.

"PIPA, SOPA, ACTA....American public, stop stealing! Leave THAT to pros...like us!" - Politicians

If you have a tattoo on your face, you should NEVER lose an arguement. "I see your point but...I'VE GOT A TATTO ON MY FACE! You quit? Cool."

FYI, I have friends with tattoos on their faces and they are 500-1 in arguements. The One loss was to the guy with the tattoo on his balls.

If you have enough money to BUY the Presidency...why the hell would you want it? Let someone ELSE take the shit and just secretly run THEM!

Hi bullies, it's S. Anthony. Remember me? It's all good now. I win, you LOSE. It got BETTER. Much BETTER, oh...and fuck you.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Thanks dollar store, for your low prices and attractive cashiers that have attitude problems that immediately make them less attractive.

Newt Gingrich's favorite rap song? Self Destruction by KRS-One (Well it would be if he knew what rap was...or black people.)

Shouldn't the news tell us who "Won the box office" on Monday...and NOT Sunday AFTERNOON? CONSPIRICY! I knew it!!!!

A couple of newbies asked what they should do if they post something and no one notices. Like I'D know. *aloof laughter*

Pro Bowl. No. Eating a salad, unconsciously cupping own balls and watching Family Guy...yes.

I am going to get in so much trouble when I'm famous because of twitter. That's right, I'm abdicating responsibilty for my actions NOW!

Google+ is Google's penis. It keeps bragging about the size...but no one cares. They're fucking the Jock (Twitter) & the Nerd (Facebook)

Friday, January 27, 2012

Jan Brewer just kicked my ass and took my wallet.

Newt Gingrich's house is dirty. I'd better have some kids quickly.

"You mean I'm not super attractive? The strange hot woman that came on to me was a decoy!?!" - Every goofy looking, guilty guy on Maury

If these daytime commercials were true, EVERY nurse in the hospital would be a smoking hot, black or latina 20 something. They're not true.

I just downloaded the "Watch your neighbor shower" app. But I got the FREE version. It only shows old dudes. I'm going to BUY the OTHER one.

I want to play me in the movie of my life. I don't think anyone else can pull of my solo sex scenes.

Bananas like to watch women do things to my penis

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Breaking! Jan Brewer has severe muscle pull in her right arm after waving her finger for 3hrs 24min straight while watching  the movie Malcolm X.

Watch out President Obama, Jan Brewer was spotted at a store that sells LASER pointers!

No one talks about stalking in the news anymore, so I'll take that as an "S. Anthony, please resume!" Hello tree branch outside your rooms!

Dollar store deodorant is just as good as the brand name stuff. Also, orange bleeding armpits are sexy. Right ladies?

Change the name from "Bidet" to "Junk shower" and sales to dudes would explode!
I want to be THIS good.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

"3 Inputs = 3 karats" - Impatient, horny, rich guys

Dear news people, when speaking about a dead person, say "The body was TAKEN", not "The body just LEFT". You know what DEAD means, right?

Tweets BEFORE 8pm in your time zone = Preseason games.

Blah blah blah. Yada yada yada.

I just had an "Out of your mom's body experience" aka, "I just finished getting it on with your mom" #Imtoooldandsmarttobetweetingthis

I reserve the right to not answer the phone if you are a big pain in the ass.

When THIS many crazy people, come THIS close to becoming President EVERY election year...the system and society are fucking broken. Yup.

If I made 20 million per year like Mitt Romney, I wouldn't even think about running for President. It would cut into my dating bisexual nymphos time.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

 Was offered a "Permanent JOB". Didn't mean what I thought. Long story short, running out of a building while putting on your pants is hard.

Snow storm = try out for hot new weather ladies. It's like a first date. Yeah, tell me how DEEP the snow is...yeah, the PLOW is COMING...

I throw wishing wells onto pennies. Yeah, I'm BETTER than YOU. ;-)

I "pimp slap" pimps. Yeah, I'm BETTER than YOU. ;-)

I jump up INTO planes to hand people parachutes. Yeah, I'm BETTER than YOU. ;-)

I don't need a knife and fork, I just look at the food and it just gets in my belly. Yeah, I'm BETTER than YOU. ;-)

I just felt like being silly. Sorry. :-)

Monday, January 23, 2012

Breaking! Billy Paul finds out that he's related to Ron Paul, claims the "Thing" he has with Mrs. Jones is impeding his personal liberty...

Blissfully douchey. #Newt

Old guys don't know how to make lies exciting. #FLDebate

Having worked in H.R., I can say honestly that I would not hire any of these guys. And I was in H.R. for a telemarketing company. #FLDebate

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Strap a woman to your bed and lick her for a few hours and all of a sudden, she wants to move in. Women are weird sometimes.

The blacker the berry, the more I want to have children with it. Huh? I need more sleep...

The guest diversity on late night talk shows is impressive. Here's a snorkle, I don't want you to drown in the sarcasm.

I guess "Any size coffee...$0.99" is better than "Hey losers, we just figured out how to charge you a buck for a small coffee!"

"E*Trade babies during the football pregame? Those guys are sellouts!" - Congress

When I get to 7 billion twitter followers, I'm going to lock my account.

With Facebook Timeline's new "Get it right" feature, I went back in time and dumped one of my ex girlfriends BEFORE she started cheating. Aw yeah! Thanks Facebook!

Why do players STILL do stupid celebrations that will cost their team 15 yards? Well, they also lose half their money to nail hookers..so...

I like to cuddle after sex....also, more banging.

Breaking Fake News! Gingrich discovers that most people on "Food Stamps" are white, then changes tune and claims that he invented them.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Driving to the doctor with my uncle, some ass on a cellphone ran a stop sign and almost hit us. I hope his wife is fucking a homeless dude.

Uh, people that pick "Fights" with strangers on twitter....really? Really? Get some "Friends" BEFORE you make enemies. Okay? Luv ya!

Why is the racism on 70's sitcoms the ONLY type that I find funny?

I'm trying out heckler lines for when I return to standup. "I will leave this stage and kill you...kill you!!!" Too much?

People OUTSIDE of PA/NJ/NY have NO idea how to make a cheese steak or hoagie. I'm going to start a class action slander suit!!!!

Not the same thing!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

"Hollywood threatens Obama over SOPA." Hollywood, you do know that YOU can be blacked out too, right?

Warning, if you try to smoke in my car, I reserve the right to pull over and kick you in the throat.

Corn Flakes and milk...and coffee....at NIGHT. Yeah, James Dean, I humbly accept the torch from you. REBEL YELL!!!! *Billy Idol song of the same name plays*

GOP Debate = Dead reckoning hot potato #CNNDebate

Newt Gingrich is Rush Limbaugh's cover band. #cnndebate

Singing Al Green wasn't enough, President Obama confirmed string theory while creating a calorie free cheeseburger. You have my vote sir!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

When I lash out at people, I do it to people that don't deserve it, because the people that deserve it usually carry weapons.

Will you all please buy a sleep number bed so I don't have to see that commercial again!

Hey, movie companies, we ALL know that your movie is going to blow if the name of the reviewer is half the size of a quark. Nice try.

You dopes who beat up guys wearing an opposing team's jersey know that the guys in prison are part of an opposing team too, right?

"Hey! What are you doing back there!?!" #famouslastgirlfriendwords

I'm in the lab right now working on edible undies with increased fiber and antioxidants. Why not be kinky AND healthy?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Happy Birthday Mrs. Michelle Obama!

Happy Birthday Ali!

Hey, you're 19. You're age inappropriate for me, but if your ID says 28, I'll have to believe you. I know where you can get one...hurry up.

SOPA + Your business = Your Business - ME.

Newt Gingrich hasn't changed a bit since he played the prison warden in Cool Hand Luke.

Romney is keeping his info private because he doesn't want anyone to know what brand of batteries he runs on.

"Barack Obama...is a black man. I am not. Vote for me!" *audience of idiots cheers* - Newt Gingrich NEXT week

I would tell Newt to go fu*k himself...but then, he'd have to fu*k Newt Gingrich. I wouldn't wish that on ANYONE.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Dear voting public, when the canary in the coal mine dies....that's a BAD thing....no matter what color/size/shape the canary is.

Most women have stretch marks. I just think of them as "Places to lick suggestions" Yup.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

It sometimes amazes me how negative we tend to be regarding ourselves. Have you ever just listened to the negative crap that comes out of people's mouths? No one would do that to themselves if they really thought about it. It's the programming. People with better programming have better thoughts which produce better results.
Wait, why did I say all of that?

Let's say it more effectively.... You know those bullshit negative thoughts that you have about yourself? Fuck that and fuck the people who made you think that way!

Yeah, I like THAT better.


Wait until people realize that Tebow is really just trying to blow himself. Disappointment!

Instead of a SOPA law, how about a STFUWSIWF law? (Shut The Fuck Up While S.Anthony Is Watching Football)

How long until the NFL introduces a "Pay per quarter" fee? Calm down. You don't have to monetize EVERYTHING! (Reading this will cost you $0.25)

Why don't hookers tell you UPFRONT that pretending that they've never seen you before to the police costs EXTRA? I hate late night ATM trips.

If you use butter as a lubricant...DON'T make love on the oven. Without reading my new book "Oven-luvin'" for dumb asses. $19.99

Dear NFL AWAY crowds, want to be viral video stars? Chant "Hail Satan" every time Tebow has a bad play.

Although there seems to be a lot of Kim K hate....I would work that juicy ass of hers until I had permanent lower back problems.

Friday, January 13, 2012

If Tom Brady beats Tim Tebow, I would love it if he then announced that just before the game he converted to Islam. Sports radio would be great that week!

I call my "You know what" BIG GOVERNMENT. I'll bet no one is against it NOW!

Apparently the person that choreographs the "Happy Dance" people do on Extreme Home Makeover, moonlights from her job choreographing the "Oh my god, I thought he WAS the father" run and dive on the Maury show.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I working on a movie script where the super hot, model thin, multiracial actress who's identified as black, dates a black guy...that lives.

I just thought of something that amazed me. My balls are attached to a genius...AND contain millions of potential future geniuses. Ladies?

"Mitt Romney, you disgust me!" - Mike Vick

"Hey America, don't worry...I'll hose you down as soon as I unstrap you from my car roof." I'm Mitt Romney and I approve this message

Mcgruff the crime dog arrested for trying to Strap Mitt Romney to the roof of his car. A Hose & Flowbee were found in the trunk. Film at 11

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

"Shuuuuuuut Uuuuuuup!"....for when you want to say STFU but you like the person too much to say it.

I'm starting to think that the guy who invented "Spit Shining" things was just mad at the guy.

The lady in the car behind me was REALLY digging in her nose. When she put her hand down I noticed that she was hot, so I'm cool with it.

Congress looks like a bunch of people in the lobby of a bar in a bad neighborhood waiting in vain for their designated driver.

Okay, It may soon be time for me to get another girlfriend. I miss the companionship, the love and I'm betting burns from humping my pillow.

If you admit to drinking corn liquor, I'm just going to assume that you have webbed feet.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I smile EVERY TIME I see Betty White.

"Really? Really?" - Me to most black people on reality shows

I want to bang all of the lady contestants on "The Biggest Loser" because you know there are some new positions that they want to try out.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Dear people humping a celebrity after they break up with another celebrity....don't use the dresser, store your clothes in your suitcase.

My little brother used to compete in the Special Olympics. He won a few times too. Thank goodness they don't do steroid testing... WIN!

Just watched "Pumping Iron" while working out. Am I Austrian yet?

Breaking News! National Championship game is on CABLE, thus making everyone else REALLY stop giving a shit about it. Film at 11!

C'mon Illuminati, microchip us all already! Driving around with all of this crap in my wallet is giving me scoliosis!

What!?! The oil massage I just gave you DOESN'T mean I'm getting sex!?! Okay. That'll be $100. We CAN have sex now? Damn, you are CHEAP...yes, I'll STILL take the booty. I'm not stupid.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

I don't hate stupid people, I hate MEAN stupid people...and I certainly don't want them running my country.

"Dear GOP voters, when we figured out what a complete piece of crap that Santorum is, we threw his punk ass out!" - Pennsylvania

Have you ever seen someone that you wanted to lick into unconsciousness? Yes, I just cleaned my mirror...oh...and saw someone ELSE. Yeah...

You REALLY have to trust someone to let them tie you up...or be dumb enough to let THEM get YOUR drink.  Are these ropes BITE RESISTANT!?!

I WILL be famous, I WILL marry another star and I will do it so I can name my first child "Fuck the Press".

“There will ALWAYS be people that don’t like you no matter what. Fuck ‘em. They’ve given up their right to express an opinion.”
—S. Anthony Thomas giving life advice to his 19 and 18 year old nephews

Saturday, January 7, 2012

I'm selling bootleg copies of the SOPA bill overseas. TRY AND STOP ME YA BASTIDS!!!!!!!

If you read the fine print in The Constitution, you'll find that it's legal to punch people in the face for saying "Blah blah blah" while you're talking to them. FYI.

Ignore THIS post, I'm just testing this pen. hgxcmvfhc;jxhgxxjxjxjccxxztetsy9ov
Yup. It works.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Dear smokers, that shit is killing you. Just thought you should know. Also, when you die...I am going to bang the crap out of your wives.

Breaking! Snopes.com proves that S. Anthony Thomas is really a gorgeous Asian woman...

Spotify, may I introduce you to my friend YouTube? I know. It's awkward...but, she allows me to SEE things. There are NO LIMITS with her. She's FREE. NO, not CHEAP! Free! You see? THIS is why we CAN'T be together. You interrupt me with your commercials and...it doesn't matter. It's over. I'm going to YouTube's house to watch funny animals and drunk dudes fighting. GOODBYE...

This year at the Grammy's, Rick Santorum and Marcus Bachmann!!! Take THAT Eminem and Elton John!

If only we could CHOOSE our families. Nah, come to think of it, I CHOSE my last girlfriend. My family had better not fake a pregnancy too!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

"Lucy" is about to "pull that football" away from Rick Santorum. Enjoy.

I'm starting a cult where nothing changes in peoples lives, except occasionally, hot women get it on with me. I'm setting my sights low.

I call my first cup of coffee "Tamika" instead of "Joe" like everyone else does. I prefer having some hot brown "Tamika" in my mouth. Just saying...

The funny thing about Hollywood...in 3 years people will be PISSED if Gervais DOESN'T diss them. They'll be sitting up front begging for it!

Dear young female relatives, as your elder, it's my job and my pleasure to tell any future boyfriend about his disembowelment if you're hit.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Celebrity Apprentice? No. That "dog whistle" birther stuff put you on my permanent "go bleep yourself" list.

Pepper spray....for when you have an upset stomach and your teen cousins take too long doing their makeup in the bathroom.

Well... I WAS right. The sign says "NO TURN ON RED" and not "Turn on red if there is an impatient moron behind you" I feel vindicated.

Spoiler Alert: Pat Robertson, here's ANOTHER message from God,
 "Paaaaat....You're an irrelevant, disingenuous phony. Shut the hell up."

Newt Gingrich, the worlds UGLIEST vindictive ex girlfriend.

I sang Happy Birthday to my little cousin yesterday and just got a bill from the record industry for $7! Damn you big government!!!!

I apologize in advance for this. Rick Santorum has NEVER had his balls slowly & lovingly slurped. It's hard to be such a douche after THAT.

*after beating up 5 guys by himself* "Hey, I'm a MONK, not a PUNK!" Yeah, you're welcome bad action movie script writers. That ones on me.

My 70 yr old uncle saw me playing with my cousin's kitten and innocently said "Damn S., you're ALWAYS playing with that pussy!" WIN. (True)

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

"It's okay to shut the hell up sometimes."
-What I'm thinking when people I DON'T KNOW talk for more than 15 seconds in an elevator

If I was famous, you'd "like" THIS post even though I'm not saying a damned thing. Okay YOU wouldn't...but THAT guy would. SEE, HE JUST DID IT! I'm NOT famous YET dude! Ha!

Someone asked if I'm "African" or "American" first.
My Reply? "I'm S. Anthony first...and that's the ONLY label I'll begrudgingly accept"

"Google+ Experiencing Massive Membership Growth!"
- Google+'s mom

Exit poling shows that 46.5% of Santorum voters are confused fans of the underground Iowa band "Fecal Froth"

If Romney, Paul & Santorum tie...they should be forced to perform the Three Stooges' "Niagara Falls" routine.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Ya really DON'T know who you're voting for yet Iowa? REALLY?

Hey S., leave (insert politician) alone! I like you but you're making me mad! *I just trolled MYSELF. Yeah, I'm FULL service. Jealous?*

Wait, if this law passes, I'd have to be IN the state of New Jersey to gamble? Nah, nevermind. Not worth it. (Just fucking with my buddies)

My ego is constructed of a new lightweight and more efficient material. I can NOW happily survive on "validation FUMES" ONLY. Jealous?

....*awkward silence*...okay, no one else got the email about wearing see thru codpieces huh?  I can still stay, right? Cool.

Breaking! Frothy mix of lube and fecal matter SUES ALL search engines for slandering it by lumping it in with RICK Santorum Film at 6 & 11!

I just beat a spammer over the head with a telemarketer. Yes... I am your HERO!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Self...cleaning....Fleshlight. MY prediction for 2012

"If he buys dinner, he's IN. If he DOESN'T and her ex boyfriend calls, the EX BOYFRIEND is in!" - NFL analysts doing color on a dating show

"Dear PIMPS, you are NOW unnecessary!" - Ad campaign for new smartphone that has condom dispenser and stun gun attachments.

Dear older female relatives, PLEASE STOP cornering me in your houses and telling me about your FUTURE home repairs. Thanks.

Dear older MALE relatives, I see you laughing because I'm stuck listening to this mess. Enjoy the dog food in home I'm picking for you.

(Insert lame attempt to flirt with ladies...I mean really lame, you know..."oh shit, why can't I erase this now?" lame)