Dear Facebook, create a "Friends with benefits" request. Also, an "I was just kidding don't mace me" request.

EVERYONE has a price....I mean VALUE! VALUE! 

Sorry...

"You can be ANYTHING you want to be, if you believe!"

*seconds later*

"Let's keep it real, that guy is NEVER going to make it."

I try to be fair and nice to everyone, even the dweebs, losers, suckers, chumps and dumb ass people.

Keyser Söze was framed.

Dear "The sexes", less "Battling" and more "Boning".

Problem solved.

You're welcome.

Anthony Weiner used a stunt penis.

People on the stock trading floor that shower and hold in their farts...don't really want to win!

I'd NEVER pay for a hooker. I mean, by the time they get dressed, I'm the hell outta there. C'mon, as tough as pimps are, they cannot run!

What's wrong with me? Somehow, I don't seem to be able to be scared by cable news shows. Oh, I fact check...

Apparently, people with different political beliefs need to call each other names and not listen to valid points from the other side. YAY internet!