I wish there was something like windshield wipers for people. Sometimes I want to push a button and just sweep people away from me.

Breaking! Conservatives boycott Ebony magazine.

"Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"
 - Ebony Magazine

Powerball winner comes forward.

If I won, people wouldn't know a thing about it. I'd deny deny deny.

"No, I just found this golden car..."

Apple butter was invented by the devil. Yo, I was kidding. Jeez, my Amish friends are so freaking sensitive.

"Wow, what a bigoted, xenophobic asshole!"
-Archie Bunker hears Rush Limbaugh for the first time

Dear women who still get it on with you when they're mad at you....

...you...are...AWESOME!

Dear makeup commercials, stop making women look like fucking robots.

Thanks,

Dudes.