I did not fake my landing on your sister's moon.

Personal responsibility people! Personal responsibility! There has got to be a way to avoid that shit!

I'm selling armpit stains to people who want to fake working out.

Once you go black, you never go back... until the older relatives croak, then it's cool.

Dear politicians, I could never be one of you. Why? I'm honest and I bang women instead of sending pictures of my junk to them. That's why.

Dear idiots, jokes aren't to be taken LITERALLY. Racists, you DON'T have to comment on people's posts. Go home & yell epithets at the mirror

If you need two friends to help you whip ass...you need YOUR punk ass whipped.

Just saw a blind guy ALMOST pee on another guy's ass at a urinal. Almost. If it had happened...

That would have made my life.

Now that Bezos has purchased the Washington Post, it takes 7 hours to log into my Amazon account. So many fucking questions!

I don't care what Russell Brand said, I would have nothing bad to say about having sex with Katy Perry.

Just putting that out there Katy. I would say good things. Good things...