Stop airbrushing women's bodies. We know what they really look like and we like that. We have sex with them you know...

I could never be as big a loser and d-bag as the husbands on any sitcom.

*5 years and a wife later*

These TV husbands aren't that bad...

I just realized that 99.5% of my tweets could get my door knocked down by the NSA. Not because they're evil, they just want to meet a genius

"If you ponder the meaning of life, an unanswerable question, you waste time better spent getting rich, laid and even."

- S. Anthony Thomas

The 13th step is smoking weed rolled up in a nicotine patch.