Thanks for telling me what God said. How did you hear him from that far away? I mean I just said get away from me and you didn't hear THAT.

I want to take the word "Swag" and ANY reference to that word, cover it with gas, light it on fire and shoot it as I throw it from a plane.

MultiTASK? I'm multiAPATHETIC, there's a ton of things I don't give a shit about...

Why do guys try NOT to get bitten by hot lady vampires?

The "N" word just called me the "N" word. Yes... words CAN hurt...

I'd rather cut you out of my life than leave more than two voice mail messages.

I don't know who came up with the term "Sausage Fest"...but you are not allowed to come up with any more terms.

I hate electronic cigarettes. Why? Because we have to come up with ANOTHER excuse to make you go outside...I'm too nice to say we hate you.