Dear inventor of the grilled cheese sandwich, there is no greater person than you.

Dear TV networks, just admit that you don't even try on Fridays. It'll make you feel better to come clean

Why would you want someone to pinch you to see if you're dreaming? Doesn't the bilingual unicorn slow dancing with the Mona Lisa tell you?

Coming this fall, a new show, "Fu*king with poor people for the amusement of strangers"
Fridays at 9!

I don't have guns in my house, they're dangerous.
*to nephews*
Hey! It's your brother's turn to play with the grenade launcher....selfish.

Dear drug dealers doing perp walks after getting caught with MILLIONS of dollars of drugs...it's okay to make just 100 thousand a year.