I'm pissed off at the people that make bullet proof stuff necessary.

It doesn't matter how many "Friends" you have, what matters is that at least two of them aren't pieces of shit.

Cable news makes the WWE look like a emmy winning movie of the week.

When a cute woman says "Kiss my ass", I take it literally"...then, they come to me and say it daily, without prompting.

Dear thieves, I hope someone steals your teeth...

Now: Cute

9 months from now:

(After my new workout program) : Yummy

Tyler Perry directed my last relationship I think...

See those "Endless pools" where you swim in the same place, I've had whole relationships like that...including the big hole in the floor.

*slips envelope full of catnip to local cat and points to pigeon that crapped on his car, cat takes envelope and nods menacingly*

We hear you unreasonable lady at the counter trying to start an argument about nothing...we hear you....

In my past life I looked into the future and saw me being cooler than you in THIS life too.

I would pimp slap people but pimps want to be paid for using their slap...and if you don't pay they pimp slap you...

Weird huh?

I don't like Capri Suns because they make you look like a giant vampire drinking from a body bag.